There and Back Again Ch. 146

Conrad watched her hands, then answered. "That's the only recent plan she's aware of. There was the other -- to put all people through the Joining to make them Wardens, but even she could see the problem there -- too many deaths, and then no babies. And then trying to kill the Archdemons -- and we all know how well that worked. But she didn't know about that until you told her."

"Are there any more Broodmothers out there? Any more 'free' darkspawn?"

She shook her head, almost... sadly? "She killed them all, she says. All of the rest of the Mother's, and all of the Architect's. They trusted her, ignored her because she is a ghoul, so she was able to kill them all."

I reached out and patted her arm, careful to avoid the blood. "Thank you." She looked at me, perhaps wondering if I was sincere. "Honestly. I don't...I can't condone the choice you made. Following him was never a good idea, and it went against everything you were supposed to stand for as a Warden. I think at first you wanted to believe him for your own reasons -- maybe you were afraid you'd have to go on your Calling, or you thought it would somehow bring justice to your family if you could accomplish something so important before you died. I don't know -- and then later, well, it was clear he could impair your reasoning, mess with your emotions. But killing them, stopping him -- that couldn't have been easy. So thank you."

She finally nodded.

I looked up at Aedan, then over to Alistair and Conrad. "So what now? What are we going to do with him?"

Utha signed something. "She says the poison should last a few days, during which he will remain unconscious. She said she has only a little bit more, but if he swallows it he might stay out for a week. After that, her suggestion is we find somewhere to hide him -- but not allow anyone near him, not ever. She says that he can influence Wardens like he did her, and shouldn't be given that opportunity."

I thought of Corypheus -- how the Wardens had tried to do that, had gone to extraordinary lengths to do exactly what she said, and he'd eventually broken free. But what choice do we have? Killing him isn't an option either. Maybe Avernus has some ideas.

Thinking about the ancient mage gave me an idea -- one I wanted to wait and discuss with Aedan and Alistair alone, well away from Utha or any other Wardens. "I have an idea, but we can talk about it later." I gave my brother and my husband each a hard look, and they nodded. I turned back to the ghoul in front of me. "And what about you?"

She reached out, making me twitch, but merely picked up the dagger from where I'd set it, and handed it to me again hilt-first. She didn't sign, didn't even make eye contact with Conrad or the others, just wrapped my hand around the handle of the dagger and gently pulled my hand toward herself.

I froze, searching the ghoul's ruined face. The implication was obvious; she wanted me to kill her. Why me? I couldn't ask, couldn't even figure out how to verbalise the question. But, I realised as I continued to examine her, she looked tired. Her milky eyes drooped, her hair was patchy and brittle-looking. What little normal skin she had left was wrinkled and spotted, and the corruption of the taint was starting to eat away at her lower lip. I looked away, horrified by what she'd allowed herself to become.

And then it occurred to me: she was probably horrified too. And what else did she have now? Where could she go? She'd betrayed the Order she once stood for, betrayed her only ally in this new disgusting existence; she had no hope now that the Architect's promise to her would ever be fulfilled. She'd condemned the man she once loved to death at the hands of the darkspawn she'd sworn to fight, and would never be free of that guilt. She had no future, no hope, and I'd seen no sign that darkspawn ever died of natural causes. So she was stuck with this existence, until she either killed herself or went mad and really joined the darkspawn she'd hated for decades.

I tried to put myself in her shoes, and knew without thinking about it, without a doubt, that I'd wish for death too. I risked a glance around me, and saw only expressions of pity and horror on the faces of my friends and family. I knew none of them would expect me to be the one, but looking back at Utha's face, I could see hope and resignation warring within her, and knew that, with my knowledge, I was the one most likely to understand all of it.

Through all of my introspection and hesitation, the ghoul merely held my hand, waiting patiently. And in that moment, I was decided. I gripped the dagger for the second time, leaned forward to loom over her, and whispered "Maker forgive you," loud enough for her to hear it and nod, looking almost hopeful. And then I thrust the dagger up under her ribs like Zevran had taught me, twisting my wrist until I felt a torrent of hot, sticky tainted blood flow down my hand.