There and Back Again Ch. 187

Chapter One Hundred Eighty-Seven: The Great Unknown

Fergus handed a second slip of paper, one I hadn't noticed, to Alistair. "Cailan sent you a letter too. He's asked the two of you to return to Ferelden."

I startled. "But...I should be in Kirkwall. I'm the one who knows—" I interrupted myself, tripping over my own words in my panic. "What if—"

Fergus smiled at me, not unkindly. "Sierra, is there something you could do, right now, to change what happened? To influence the Chantry or change the outcome?"

I considered his question briefly, thoughts ricocheting around my mind like a giant pinball machine. "I...no?" Dorothea, the new Grand Cleric of Ferelden, might like me, in theory, but I wasn't going to be able to make her do anything - even if I could figure out what needed to be done, with everything I once knew now completely invalidated.

"So, with Cailan away, someone of the royal blood - someone in the line of succession - needs to be safe in Ferelden. We can't afford another civil war if something were to happen."

I gaped at Fergus, horror-struck. "I hadn't even considered that!" I sat forward urgently. "He can't be there - what was he thinking?" I jumped up to pace anxiously. "Cailan needs to get out of Kirkwall!" Alistair looked a little sick too, as we both contemplated the disaster that would strike if Cailan died.

Fergus frowned. "I agree, actually; sending troops is one thing, but going himself was foolhardy. If I can, I'll get him headed home on the first ship I can find." He sighed. "Highever can live without me for a while, and whatever Cailan needs done in Kirkwall, I can do."

Fergus turned to look at Alistair seriously. "In the meantime, please, will you do as Cailan asked? Will you return to Ferelden, your Highness?"

Alistair reached out to me, and I dropped down beside him again, lacing our fingers together and squeezing. He examined Fergus' face for a moment. "Do I need to be in Denerim?"

Fergus shook his head. "No, Soldier's Peak is fine - but stay somewhere safe and accessible, would you? No trips into the Deep Roads or chasing after darkspawn. You're the next in line for the throne, and if, Maker forbid, Ferelden needs you, you can't be off dying in some tunnel somewhere."

Alistair glanced at me and then back at Fergus. "I don't want to be the King, you understand? You must get Cailan home safely." His shoulders were stiff, but his face softened. "Get my brother home safely. The Theirins don't have the best record with boat trips to the Free Marches."

Fergus nodded, and I could see he meant it. Alistair looked at me with his eyebrows raised, and I flushed.

"Oh, of course we're going back. I might not worry too much about defying Cailan when he's being stupid, but it's not like I do it just for spite. This is different." Alistair chuckled, and even Fergus smirked a little. I wasn't feeling very comical, though, and my mind was still racing. "How did this even happen? This wasn't supposed to be how things went. Meredith was supposed to live for another five or six years! Elthina was supposed to stay in Kirkwall until...well, for a long time. What did I do?" I sat back, considering everything I'd done since coming to Thedas, trying to figure out which ripple it was that had ended up with this situation. Have I done irreparable damage to Thedas? I wished I knew what thing it was that had set this off - not that I could undo what had already been done, of course.

Alistair continued looking at me, but his expression had turned to surprise. "I'd think you could guess what happened," he murmured. When I didn't look any less confused, he clarified, "Leliana happened. Or so I assume."

My mouth dropped open as I considered his assumption. I'd told Dorothea and Leli as much as I could remember about Kirkwall and the events that would happen there - and they certainly had some motivation to stop what was going to happen before it ripped the Chantry apart. I couldn't even blame them for wanting to change the future I'd seen, but would Leliana really do this? Murder a Knight-Commander and embarrass the Chantry? Surely there had to be other ways to remove a zealot from power that didn't involve killing or humiliating the institution they claimed to believe in so strongly.

"Do you think?" I tried to picture Leliana, my perky, sweet best friend, or even the hardened woman I'd seen in the second Dragon Age game, doing such a thing - and the worst of it was, I could. I could see it. She would hate it and herself, but if she thought the outcome important enough - and if Dorothea commanded her to do it - she would.

I dropped my face into my shaking hands. "What have I done?"

Alistair pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arms around my upper body. "Hey, hey. It's okay. First of all, it's not your fault. If Leliana and the Chantry do something stupid because of the information you gave them, that's on them, not you." I sniffled doubtfully, and he rocked me gently. "And honestly, given what you've said about Meredith - I'm not convinced this was the worst idea. Not that I condone murder, but the Chantry needs a little shaking up. Maybe something like this will force them to stop and reconsider where they're heading and who they have leading the way. A bit of embarrassment could actually go a long way. Maybe that terrible future you've seen - with a war between mages and templars - maybe that can be prevented, now."

He kissed my temple, and I relaxed in his arms. I wasn't certain that he was right; the tensions between mages and templars had been rising for a long time, and one zealot living or dying shouldn't be enough to make the difference. And what if it did prevent a war? I knew only a little about the outcome of that war - enough to know preventing it was an honourable goal, and I'd been trying to push things in that direction since I'd arrived - but what if the alternative was no uprising, and mages just continuing to live like they had been, oppressed and abused? I'd never approved of Justice's plan to blow up the Kirkwall Chantry, but what if he was right? What if a confrontation was necessary?

I couldn't think about it anymore or I'd be the one exploding. My head was spinning and felt like it was stuffed with cotton, and my eyes were burning with unshed tears. Part of me still wanted to insist on going to Kirkwall to see what the outcome was going to be - to see who would take over, to see if the future could be put back on track the way I was familiar with, to see if I could find any hint of Leliana's involvement - but I wasn't going without Alistair, and I did understand why he needed to be back in Ferelden. And if he was right - if this unexpected event caused a correction that improved the future - did I really want to even try to fix it?

It was too late; I couldn't change the past, even if it was my fault. I was going to have to live with whatever the future turned out to be.

"Okay." I sat up, resolute. "I can't change it. Fergus, you're going to Kirkwall, and we're going home." I looked up at Alistair, who was watching me with a concerned expression. "So what do we do now?"

Fergus sighed. "Now I go back to the docks and find myself a ship to Kirkwall, and you two need to book passage back to Highever."

In the end we didn't go ourselves - Avanna, Charles, and one of Fergus' guards went to the docks and spoke with the harbourmaster until they could find us ships. Fergus wouldn't even be staying at the inn; he repacked his bags for an evening departure to Kirkwall. Alistair and I would have two days in Ostwick before we could leave for Ferelden.

Fergus leaving us was strangely emotional. Our relationship had improved, but still wasn't exactly the norm for siblings - and was currently rather full of guilt and awkwardness and history that just wasn't going to be easy to leave behind. I'd hoped to have more time to work on it - to get to know each other a little and make some memories not so steeped in resentment and anger - but apparently it wasn't meant to be, at least for now. For all that history, though, I was curiously depressed about the separation.

Alistair and Fergus exchanged polite forearm-grasping things - the Thedosian equivalent to a handshake - and then Fergus turned to me with a rueful smile. "When I get back, maybe I could come visit Soldier's Peak? I've still never even seen it."

"I'd like that." I smiled shyly, fighting the urge to pull away. My first instinct was to protect myself, but he really did seem to be trying. "Imagine how shocked Aedan would be."

Fergus laughed, and I realised it was the first time I'd heard that sound. It was rich and hearty and contagious, and my smile widened involuntarily. "Indeed. And I wonder...would you let me read that journal? The one m-my," he swallowed loudly, "parents left for you?" I nodded. "I'll send a raven when I'm back." He held out his hand awkwardly, and I honestly wasn't sure if he was expecting me to hug him, shake his hand, or wave. I don't think he knows either. In the end I gripped his hand - not the way Alistair had, but more the way Aedan might squeeze my hand when he was trying to be comforting - and he squeezed back awkwardly before turning to leave. "Take care of yourself...si-Sierra." For a moment I wondered if he'd been about to say 'sister', and my stomach leaped a little inside my abdomen.

"You too." I sighed. "Oh, Fergus?"

He turned and nodded.

"Do you remember Leliana? The redheaded archer we used to travel with?" He nodded again. "If you happen to run into her in Kirkwall, will you tell her..." I trailed off. What to say? "Tell her to come home. It's time."

He agreed, and with a slight wave, he was gone.

Alistair and I looked at each other once the door had swung shut behind him. "And so we're alone."

I looked at Avanna and Charles, sitting at the table behind us, and huffed.

"More or less," he amended. "Which is still weird."

I couldn't agree more; I didn't think I'd ever get used to people following me wherever I went, but we hadn't been this close to alone in...ever, really. "I can't wait to get home."

"That eager for the snow and the cold, then?" he teased.

I chuckled. "Well, maybe not that. But I miss our bed and our friends and having a routine. I just want things to be...normal, for a while."

He laughed, but it wasn't his carefree, mirthful laugh; it had an edge of bitterness or even hysteria to it. "Normal? What's that?"

*****

Our one, full, free day in Ostwick passed uneventfully; we walked around a little, but the city wasn't much different than any other city in the Free Marches - lots of white stone, and a depressing disparity between the rich and the poor that grated on my nerves. We went back to the inn early and played a few card games - I suckered Avanna into playing with us, and then lost all the coppers I'd bet against her - before going to bed early. We had passage booked for us and our seven guards, on a ship leaving shortly after noon. I couldn't wait.

The trip was also uneventful; we were the only passengers, and had been given the captain's quarters - I guessed Avanna had something to do with that, but didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth. It still wasn't a huge space, but it was comfortable and only for a few days anyway. It was cold on deck, so we mostly stayed inside, entertaining ourselves however we could think of...the usual way, mostly.

In that regard, I'd definitely noticed a difference in Alistair since I'd thrown out the contraceptive powder; he was always sweet and attentive and willing, but now he became much more assertive. For once it was him initiating sex more often than me, as though he honestly couldn't get enough. It was like those first few, heady weeks we'd spent together - I'd find myself woken in the night to make love, dragged back into bed for seconds after morning sex...

It was glorious. And it wasn't even all about trying to conceive; we couldn't keep our hands and mouths off each other either. I'd never felt so sexy - or been so chafed, which became a topic of much hilarity between us.

So, all in all, the trip was pleasant enough and before we knew it, we were climbing down into a tender to bring us back to the dock in Highever, our bags and trunks accompanying the others we'd promised to take care of for Aedan and Zevran.

Being back at Castle Cousland without either Fergus or Aedan there was...odd. Fergus had given us a letter explaining that he had been called away, and it wasn't like the staff weren't accommodating. It was just a strange sort of purgatory where we weren't quite family nor were we strangers; we were guests with no hosts, royals with no reason for staying, Wardens with no mission. I was relieved we would only be staying a couple of days before borrowing a couple of pack horses and going back to Soldier's Peak.

It was a bit of an emotional reunion with my brother's dog; poor Prince had been miserable at being left behind in Highever when we'd boarded the ship, but a mabari on a boat for extended lengths of time didn't make any sense - and Aedan had expected to be coming back with us, not go haring off to Antiva. When Prince came bounding down the castle steps and nearly knocked me over, it broke my heart to have to be the one to tell him Aedan wasn't with us. His little tail, which had been wagging so hard he just about knocked himself off his feet, drooped, and he sank to the ground with a whine, staring fixedly at the gates. He wouldn't move, and I was forced to leave him there - though he did eventually join Alistair and me in our room for bedtime.

It was, however, good to see Larus and Arathea again. The healer had surreptitiously gone to work helping out castle staff with injuries or illnesses, and had even ventured into the Alienage with Arathea to do some healing there. He'd managed to avoid the few templars and the Chantry-sanctioned clinic Fergus had set up in town, instead helping the folks who couldn't - or wouldn't, for whatever reason - even go there for aid.

Arathea was, I thought, bored. She enjoyed being with Larus, of course, and she accompanied him everywhere, but I could see the same urge to clean up after herself that I often felt, and even the first night I saw her start to clear the table after the meal before having to remind herself to sit down and let the servants do it. I wasn't sure Larus even noticed until he approached me in the library after supper where Alistair and I sat reading together.

"Your Highness?" The humility was strange on the normally haughty mage, and I raised an eyebrow curiously as he stood in front of us tensely.

"Well, now I've seen everything," I teased. "Please, relax. I hate titles, and this...deference just makes me feel weird."

He sniffed, but I thought I caught a tiny smile as he settled into a comfortable armchair by the fire.

"What can I do for you?" It was clear to me that he wasn't looking to speak to Alistair, though we were cuddled together on a sofa enjoying a quiet evening.

"I wanted to talk to you about Arathea." He looked worried, and it made me feel a little anxious.

"Is she alright?"

"She's fine," he assured me. "It's only...well, I understand we're to accompany you when you leave here, and I wondered if you could tell me more about where we're going."

"Oh! Of course." I wondered why he hadn't brought Arathea with him for the conversation, but answered his question anyway. I spent a few minutes describing the Keep, the people who lived there - Wardens, soldiers, and servants - and our mission to train Ferelden's forces against any future risk of invasion or Blight.

Larus listened as I spoke, but I couldn't help but feel he was hoping for different information than what I was giving him.

Finally, he asked, "But what do you actually do, all day?"

I tilted my head curiously. "Me? Mostly paperwork." I grimaced. "A little bit of mediation if there's disputes. Meet with various people - the seneschal, the cook, my captains...And read about Fereldan politics. Oh, and try to get in some physical training too."

He looked disappointed somehow, so I went on, "Are you worried about how busy you will be? I assure you that while there's plenty of work to be done - between the soldiers and servants, there's always someone sick or injured, and we were hoping you might be willing to teach some of the other mages, too, because not all of them can heal much - most days you'll have your evenings free and I'm sure there'll be quiet days as well. We're not super demanding, for the most part, even of the Wardens. We try to be fair."

My assurances didn't improve his expression any. "Yes, but...are there many women around?"

I sat up, feeling strangely anxious at the odd question. "Women?" He'd better not be looking for someone to cheat on Arathea with. "I mean, there's me, a couple of female Wardens, a small group of female soldiers, and then of course many of the staff are female. Why are you asking?" I couldn't seem to help a rather harsh tone from entering my voice.

He blinked at me for a moment and then started laughing. "No, no, not for that!" He guffawed again. "I'm not asking for myself. I was trying to figure out if there would be people for Arathea to talk to, or something for her to do with herself. She tends to be nervous around human men, for obvious reasons. As much as we are both grateful to be here together, and safe, she's clearly rather...bored. I didn't want her to have to work, but she won't be happy doing nothing. I was wondering if you had, I don't know, ladies who might need an assistant, or something like that. She's quite clever, she reads and writes well...wow, that sounds terrible, like she's a possession not a person. Like I'm trying to sell her." He rubbed his upper lip with his fingers, an odd gesture that looked like a nervous tic, and muttered something under his breath I couldn't catch. "I just don't want her sitting alone in a room all day long waiting for me. I'd hoped to find a place where she could have a life of her own, too."

I smiled at him, so relieved that he wasn't being a creep, and grateful that he cared enough about Arathea to pay attention to her needs like that. "Oh! I noticed that as well, honestly. I'm sure we can find something, though I don't want her feeling like she has to be a servant or something. I treat my staff well but they're all there of their own volition. I wouldn't force anyone."

I considered the options. I already had an assistant, but Levi didn't, and might be able to use one. Also, since Seranni left I was sure Jowan could use help with the gardens. Felsi could probably use help at the tavern, and there were plenty of jobs in the Keep that needed doing, though I worried Larus might be offended if we offered her a position as a maid or cook... "How about we plan to have her come talk to me when you're both settled at the Peak? She can tell me what she's interested in doing and we can find something for her."

He nodded gratefully. The difference between this Larus - the polite, solicitous healer who helped city elves and cared about an escaped slave - and the rude, imperious, demanding one from the ship was dramatic, and I couldn't be happier.

I was still intensely curious though. "Can I ask a question? It's probably rude, though I swear I don't mean it to be, and you can tell me to piss off if you don't want to answer..."

Larus nodded uncertainly, interrupting my word vomit. He also rolled his eyes slightly, and it made me wonder if his confusion was more related to my Earth jargon. I took a breath and tried to force my thoughts into a linear pattern that would make sense to someone else. "Why? Why did you leave Tevinter? What was in it for you?" I heard Alistair release a breath, and realised I'd made him nervous.