There is Love Here

"You're never happier than when you have a whip in your hand." He teases with a grin.

"No, I'm never happier than when I have a man at my feet."

"And I won't object to kneeling."

"I know." I laugh, shaking my head. "You're shameless."

We lay together in companionable silence for longer than usual. I'm perfectly content, perfectly relaxed until Gideon props himself up on his elbow and asks "Is that why you like him? Because he objects?"

I sit up. "Why're you talking about Vinya?"

He shrugs. "Because I can tell you're thinking about him. You were before we fucked and you are now. I'm just trying to understand it."

I sigh and lean back against his rich down pillows. "I don't have feelings for Vinya because he objects. But my feelings come in part from thinking him a kindred spirit, you know, caught in a web of expectations, and those same expectations cause him to object so vehemently, so-"

"So they're still tied together."

"Correct." I mutter.

"Are you and Vinya?"

"Are we what?"

"Tied together." Gid clarifies. "After he left you, then came back to beg forgiveness but ended up insulting you."

"I don't know." I answer.

"What does he have to do to make you hate him?"

I laugh a little. "More, I assume."

"I'm beginning to think you're secretly a masochist." Gid jokes, but his eyes stay serious. "You need to let him go, Kat, before you end up heartbroken all over again. I'll never forget how lost you were when we first met."

I frown, pulled back in time against my will by Gideon's warning. Yes, when Vinya left, I was lost. The future I'd laid out evaporated overnight. I was left with no plans and no money, which led me to begin an unorthodox apprenticeship at Einstarr Publishing, which in turn led to a very complicated relationship with Einstarr's heir, one Gideon Achor.

"I was lost well before Vinya left me." I say. "That was only the tipping point. I'd been at war with myself for years. Thinking I should be a lady who wants to make love on a bed of roses and all that. I felt like I was broken."

"I know how hard it is to grow up with 'unconventional desires,'" Gid murmurs.

"That's part of why I don't hate Vinya yet." I tell him. "You and I, we've both more or less accepted what we want and rejected what society tells us to want. Vin hasn't gotten there yet. He's still negotiating between his desires, his truths, and his family's expectations. I keep thinking that maybe I can help him get there."

"And then you get to keep him." Gid finishes, giving me a knowing look.

"Ideally." I admit.

"If he isn't ready to admit what he wants, don't waste your time." Gideon says definitively. "I just don't want to see you hurt, Kat. I may not be in love with you, but I love you all the same."

I smile and lean forward, kissing his cheek. "Thank you for everything, Gideon. I'll see myself out."

"You're still coming next Tuesday?" He calls after me.

"Wouldn't miss it." I say with a wink, easing the door shut behind me.

2. Vinya

I lean closer to the antique mirror and examine my neck. A slight bruise peaks above my stiffly pressed collar. I undo a button and loosen the restrictive collar, revealing another imprint on my skin. Slowly I trace the outline of her mark, shivering from the touch and the memory alike.

Shrugging off my shirt completely, I see all eight bruises; four on each side of my neck. They remind me of typewriter keys. Delicate little circles that my fingers seem compelled to press.

Her silky sweet promise echoes in my ears. I can give you what you need.

"Dammit!" I hiss, leaning forward onto my bureau. "Leave me be, Kath."

But she won't. Kathryn Dover can haunt a man better than any ghost.

I'm terrified of losing her, but I'm also terrified of gaining her. She gets under my skin and makes me question what I want, who I am, even. She's an alchemist who turned my pain into pleasure, who looked me right in the eyes and said she knew what I wanted when I didn't know myself.

I look up, as if the man in the mirror knows what to do any more than I. I run my hands through my hair and tap my fingers across the dark wood, I pace, I try to get some work done but keep getting distracted by a memory of her eyes.

Days pass like this. I can't decide which will destroy me faster: never seeing her again or letting her see all of me, and seeing all of her. Seeing what madness we make together.

The thought of never seeing her again is madness in itself.

So what choice do I really have?

It's no surprise that I find myself standing on her doorstep less than a week after I told her I didn't want her. The invisible thread binding us together is still intact, after years of wear and thousands of miles of travel and what I can only call erotic strangulation.

I knock and try to steady my breathing as the door swings open. She's scowling.

"You came back." She says in an icy monotone.

"I've accepted that no matter how hard I try I can't stay away for long."

"Try harder." She starts closing the door, but I stop it with my hand.

"Please, Kath. Let me explain." I plead.

"What is there to explain?"

"That I'm sorry for what I said. Terribly sorry. I had no right to insult you in any way. I- I was cruel."

"I'm getting tired of your apologies." She says calmly.

"I know." I smile weakly. "I'm sorry for that, too. I thought I knew you- knew us- but that was foolish. Two years is a long time, and anyway, we hide from each other what we hide from ourselves." I clear my throat and look down, blushing. "I want to know you, whoever you are now. And I want to know that part of myself that- that only you bring out."

"What part?" Kath says.

"Let's discuss this inside." I say, feeling suddenly exposed.

"No."

I sigh. "The part of me that likes your hands around my neck, squeezing. The part of me that wouldn't have minded if you bit me that night in the ivy."

I look up and search her gray eyes for any hint of softness, of yielding. "I want to know all of us. Don't make me beg, Kathryn."

"I like it when men beg." She says, but she steps aside and lets me into the house.

We sit in her parlor again, on the oerly plush chairs, facing each other. She's poured tea. I sip from the delicate cup and watch her do the same, noticing small changes in her appearance and manners.

She used to keep her gold hair pulled back in an elegant chignon; now it's down. Women out in society never let their hair hang so simply, but it suits her. She's traded a lady's embellished dresses for a simple white linen frock, well made but much too simple to be considered stylish. Even lacking her usual finery, she seems more self-assured. Freer.

"You said you wanted to know all of me."

"I do." I assure her.

"Even if you don't understand all of me? Even if I'm a 'pervert'?

I sigh. "I'm sorry I said that, Kath, but you shocked me. This is a lot to adjust to."

"Do you even know what we're discussing here?" She asks, putting down the teacup and meeting my eyes. "Euphemisms aside."

"You like pain. I mean, you like causing it."

She smirks. "And that doesn't bother you, Vin?"

I don't hesitate. "It does, but not as much as the fact that I liked feeling that pain. And not enough to keep me away from you."

"I've learned that pain sharpens pleasure." She says. "And I certainly use pain. But mostly I like control. And you like being controlled."

"Maybe I do." I admit.

She smiles openly, maybe for the first time since I've been back. I forgot the power that smile has over me. My body warms. I want nothing more in this moment than to keep Kathryn Dover smiling at me, maybe believing she doesn't smile that way at anyone else.

Anyone else. I swallow and ask "who's Gideon?," remembering the name she threw at me when she left last week.

Her smile fades. "We work together." She mutters quickly.

"You work?" I ask, dumbfounded.

"You know we were never as rich as my father wanted everyone to think. He lost a lot in the stock market after you left and tried to get me to marry an old oil baron to make up for it. I refused, so he cut me off, thinking I'd come running back to do his bidding."

"Stupid man." I murmur.

She smiles slightly. "I took on an apprenticeship at Einstarr Publishing. They hired me earlier this year."

"Your father came around eventually, I assume?"

She shakes her head. "He's still furious at me."

"It can't be unfixable if he still pays for the house." I say. "He's not leaving you to fend for yourself entirely."

"He doesn't pay for the house."

"What? I know you're a working woman now, and this is just a summer home, but the mortgage is too expensive for you to pay alone. "

She hesitates a moment before answering me. "I own the house. Gideon Achor loaned me the money to buy it."

"Gideon is Gideon Achor? The publishing magnate?" I ask, stupefied. Kath nods. "What's he doing buying a house for you?"

"We're very good friends." She answers placidly.

"Friends!" I snort. "Rich men don't just buy houses of their young female friends. You don't know what it's like out in the world, Kathryn. He'll expect something in return. In all honesty, he's probably setting you up to be his mistress."

"That's unlikely." She says lightly.

"Kath, trust me. You don't want this kind of debt, friends or no. I have enough money saved, we can pay him off-"

"We're lovers, Vin." She cuts me off.

"You're-what?" I sputter, horrified. I feel jealousy rising within me, that and a fierce regret I ever left. "Is he courting you?"

"He tried once." She admits. "But I stopped him. We don't have that type of future together."

"You should've married the oil baron." I spit. "At least then the rich man taking care of you would've been your husband. Now you're just his- his whore!"

I expect a stern reprimand, but Kath just laughs. "More like he's mine."

"What?"

She lifts her skirt, suddenly and with no hesitation. "What are you doing?" I ask, unable to tear my gaze away from her stockingless thigh.

She ignores me and pulls something out from under her petticoat. A moment later she tosses it into my lap; I quickly realize it's a whip.

"I'll use pain." She tells me. "But Gideon really loves it. Craves it. I'd go so far as to say he needs it- and I'm the one he comes to to fulfill that need." She pauses to take a sip of tea, but her gaze never breaks from mine. "And dominating him, well, it's something I need too. He taught me to accept a part of myself I'd been running from for years.

He loaned me the money to buy the house so I wouldn't lose it and have to move away, but beyond that, there's no payment exchanged. Gideon and I- we give each other what we need."

"Then why am I here?" I ask.

"Because you came begging at my door."

"You know what I mean, Kath. If you have someone who 'gives you what you need' why even bother with me?"

"Because I love you." She says quietly.

"You-you do? Still?"

"Still." She sounds resigned. "Though god knows I shouldn't."

I smile, overjoyed at her confession. Even a sullen love is more than I expected- more than I deserve. "I love you too, Kath. So much. If you don't love this Gideon, leave him and I'll support you. I want to marry you." I say quickly, unable to stop my words. "But I understand if you're hesitant, we can go slow. But it can be good again. We can be good together-"

"No, Vinya." Kathryn responds firmly, cutting off my gushing. "That's not how this is going to work." She sighs. "I'm not talking about marriage with you now, maybe ever. I'm not leaving Gideon for your sake just because you've come to the conclusion you want me unconditionally. And I'm certainly not giving up my job to be taken care of."

"Kath, I didn't mean to-"

"Listen!" She snaps. "I told you I've changed. I'm not changing back for you. If you want me, you fit into my life, not the other way around."

"I-okay." I agree. "You're right, of course. I was the one who left."

"It's not that." She says. "I'm not trying to punish you. I meant it when I said I forgave you, Vin. And I meant it when I said I loved you. But the future we might have had is gone, and I'm not looking to recapture it."

"Then tell me what you're looking for." I prompt.

"I want to work in publishing and make my own money. Then, at the end of a long day, I want to come home to you. We'll eat good food and drink good wine while we talk and laugh together. Then, before a good night's sleep, I'll fuck you within an inch of your life." She adds with a bawdy grin. "No more proposals, no more apologies."

"That sounds almost eerily domestic." I comment. "Except for the 'fucking me within an inch of my life.'"

She laughs. "Maybe I have a traditional side. But believe me, you won't be thinking me domestic when I've got you bound and blindfolded in front of me."

A shiver goes down my spine, prompted by both arousal and fear.

"What would having me at your mercy like that do for you?" I ask.

Kath smiles dreamily. "Its hard to describe. I feel... buzzed, like I've drunk something strong, but also really peaceful. I'm completely enveloped by the experience, so I can't worry about anything else. And controlling someone else's pleasure, causing their pain, makes me feel incredibly powerful.

But there's also this feeling of grand connection. It's almost transcendent, Vin, I wish you knew... when someone trusts you enough to give themselves up to your care, trusts you to push them over the edge and bring them back again, an incredible bond forms."

"I-I don't know if I can do that, Kath." I admit. "I want to try, to explore, but the thought of completely ceding control terrifies me. And so does the whip."

She laughs. "The whip, among other things, is negotiable. I have so much to teach you, if you're willing to trust a pervert."

"I trust you." I say.

"Brave boy." She coos, running a hand along my thigh. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." I answer honestly. I feel like I understand, if only a little, who Kathryn has become. And nothing she's said has changed the way I feel when I look at her, when she gently traces circles along the inside of the thigh. "I'm not running this time."

"Then I have something to show you."

3. Kathryn

"You're insane." Gideon says.

"So that's a no?" I ask, hands on hips.

He sighs. "Kathryn, I don't think this is a good idea. He'll end up running, you'll end up heartbroken, and I'll be in the middle of it all. Not to mention the risk of his indiscretion."

"He won't talk." I assure.

"How can you promise that?" Gideon asks, his tawny eyes burning into mine. "He's been back for two weeks after two years gone. Who's to know what he'll say if he feels slighted?"

"If he speaks against you, who's going to believe him? You're an industry giant, and, like you said, he's been gone for two years. But he won't speak up. He won't risk his own reputation."

Gideon sighs, sitting down on a worn wooden chair while he considers my request. "You're insane." He repeats, this time without much force. "Even if this doesn't cause trouble for me, why would I want to be involved with him in any way? He hurt you and if you two reconcile, I'll most likely never see you again."

"That's absurd!" I laugh. "Of course you'll see me."

"Really?" Gideon says. "When you get a shiny new toy, what use do you have for the old one? You came to me because he left; why is it absurd to assume you'll leave me because he's returned?"

"Because you're not a toy!" I snap. "God, Gid. You're the one who took me on as an apprentice even though your father thought it strange. You're the one who taught me to accept all of myself. You've been by my side for two years and I'll be by your side for two score more, no matter what happens with Vinya!"

He looks startled at my outburst. "I love you, too." He says after a moment, smiling warmly. "And I want you to be happy. If this will help, if you need to do this, I suppose I have to agree. You are my Mistress, after all."

"Thank you." I whisper, kissing his ruddy cheek. "I owe you a million times over."

He waves his hand, dismissing my thanks. "Consider the debt already repaid."

3. Vinya

"Keep up!" Kath chides, moving purposefully through the dark streets, skirts swishing against rain-dampened concrete.

"Why the hurry?" I ask her. "Where are we going?"

"I already said I'm not telling you."

"Maybe I'd go faster if I knew where we were going." I suggest.

"No you wouldn't." She answers curtly. "You'd run."

"I wouldn't!" I hiss, lengthening my strides. "I made a promise; I meant what I said."

"I hope you'll say the same when the night's concluded."

"Ye of little faith..." I grumble.

"Shut up, Vin." Kath chuckles. "I'd be a fool to trust you."

"Then be a fool." I answer just as lightly. "Be a fool and never doubt me again."

"I think I'm a fool already." She mutters. I just smile and keep pace, following Kathryn Dover like a dog at heel.

We trace our way through silent streets, the night's heavy darkness interrupted by the light of a few street lamps and a waning moon. I recognize a few storefronts- an old pharmacy, a dressmaker, a pub I used to frequent- but the city's changed while I've been away, and we make far too many turns to remember. Each alley looks like the next and I imagine we could go on forever, exploring the backs of buildings and side roads and gutters until the end of time.

We finally stop in front of a simple wooden door. Kath pulls a key out of her pocket and fits it neatly in the lock. A gust of wind blows by us, rustling her skirts and causing a sign suspended above the door to sway. A sign that reads Einstarr Publishing.

"What are we doing here." I ask, this time more forcefully. Kath ignores me and opens the door, beckoning me inside.

I could ask again, but she wouldn't answer. I know that look- that challenge in her eyes. I sigh and step inside, smoothing my coat nervously. She follows, shutting and locking the door behind us.

"It's the original Einstarr Publishing." Kath explains, turning on a large lamp to reveal a musty room filled with dust, boxes, and books. "They moved to Market Street years ago, to a much bigger building, but Mr. Einstarr couldn't bear to sell the original location."

She leads me past the first room to a carpeted staircase, which we slowly climb. "Now it's used to store old records and manuscripts. No one comes here anymore. No one but me and Gideon."

"Kath, can you please just explain the point of showing me this?" I ask.

"I'm not showing you this." She answers. "Well, I am, but that's not the point."

"Then what is?"

She ignores me and opens another small door at the top of the stairs. "Inside."

"What?"

"Just get in the closet, Vinya!"

I do. She turns on a small light for me, illuminating a small closet empty except for a few old chairs. "Here." Kath says, pointing to a spot on the musty wallpaper. "Look through here."

I examine the spot she's pointing to and notice a small hole. Curious, I close one eye and press my face against the wall. Through the peephole I see another room- this one much cleaner than the rest, with fresh-looking carpet, a fireplace and mantle, and several small couches.

"A parlous?" I ask, confused.

"I want you to keep looking." Kath instructs. "I'll be back for you in an hour. Just stay quiet."

"Kath, you have to tell me what's going on. This is too strange."

She shrugs. "Strange or not, you agreed to trust me. I need you to see this, Vinya, that's all. I need you to see me."

"I do see you." I reassure her, taking her hand. "Believe me, I see you."

"You've never seen me like this." She says with a shake of her head. "And you need to. You said you wanted to explore, but you deserve to know- to see- what you're getting yourself into."