There Must Be a Mistake Ch. 05

"One day you must ask Jennifer how we met, fell in love, and decided to get married. You will not believe it was me talking to her."

"I don't believe you opened your mouth to talk to a woman Even."

"That's all the more reason to speak to my bride. I will see you at 4 PM. I promise I won't be late."

************

After more than an hour of meeting, greeting, and talking with my peers, I reached for Jennifer and put her on top of a concrete planter that surrounded the building. I put Gordon next to her, and I jumped up to join them.

Our group of friends applauded us.

I saw Delicious standing in the front row, and I signaled to her to come forward. When she did, I grabbed her and pulled her up so she could be next to me. I introduced her to all the guests. It seemed that everyone from Jennifer's side of the family knew her and waved.

I looked at my own personal little devil and asked, "What did you do now?"

"Uncle have you ever heard of Skype?"

"Oh God, how many men have hit on you so far?"

"I've only talked to people in Jennifer's family. How much trouble could I get into?"

"Give me one minute please."

I raised my hands and asked for quiet.

"Friends, relatives, I have known this young lady, for almost 4 months, and she has become the light of my life. Her mother died in a car accident, and now she is my burden to bear. Trust me when I say when God created the word 'TROUBLE' this is the package he was thinking of at the time. She is beautiful both inside and out. She has an IQ of 207 and she just now asked me the dumbest question which I am going to repeat: 'I have only talked to Jennifer's family; how much trouble could I have gotten into.' This sounds like an innocuous question to most of us. However now I am going to give you the answer. Would all the unmarried men, between the ages of 17 and 30, please step forward."

Eight young men did.

"Thank you gentlemen. Now I have a question for each of you. Since Delicious first contacted you on Skype, how many times have you contacted her in an attempt to get a date. Starting from left to right if you please begin: six, four, two, five, two, five, six, eight."

The audience laughed.

"Delicious would you care to tell everyone how many times these gentlemen attempted to take you out on a date?"

"I hate you Uncle Even."

"I hate you three times as much. How many times did these young men attempt to take you out?"

"38 Uncle Even."

"Should I rephrase your initial question about how much trouble you could possibly get into?"

"You should've stayed in the forest and grown a beard."

"You would have missed me terribly."

"I did miss you terribly, but you do this to me every time a boy is involved."

"I'm just trying to protect the boys from you."

(This time I ducked in time and the crowd laughed louder.)

I called out to Rod, and asked him if we were going to dinner as a group."

Rod was ever efficient. He joined me on top of the planter and we hugged like brothers, which we are.

"Ladies, gentlemen, and honored guests. We are having dinner at 7:30 PM in the Starlight room on the top floor of the Hyatt Regency Hotel. The dress code is casual, and this will give each of you plenty of time to go to your hotel rooms to rest and freshen up. However, the bride and groom have other appointments, and they will be busy. No, they will not be sexually involved. Even has no idea what sex is or what it involves. Jennifer will have to teach him everything she knows because he is an innocent."

"I am going to kill you Rod."

Delicious said, "How do you like being on the other side of the needle, Uncle Even?"

I whispered, "Keep quiet young woman, I still have to talk to you about an airplane."

Rod continued, "Don't worry about it Even, all your friends know you are a virgin."

Jennifer's family laughed raucously.

"Rod, I'm going to do to you what Michael did to that deer, and it wasn't pleasant."

"Gordon your mother and father are going to introduce you to my six children. If you would like you could join them, while your mother and new father take care of the things that must be done so they can get married Sunday afternoon. It will be your decision that matters."

"Ladies and gentlemen this meeting is adjourned."

Everyone applauded and began to disperse.

I helped Delicious down, smiled at her and said, "How much trouble could you possibly get into."

"Three of them are absolutely gorgeous. Did you see them?"

"I saw eight men there, all with one intention in mind. They want to change your sexual status. I am buying you a chastity belt, and only I am going to have the key. Did you ever get that mark off just above your pubic...."

"EVEN, stop that, we are in public."

"Did you look for it?"

"Of course I looked for it, but I didn't find that thing."

"That's because there are no cameras in the house, just in the basement. There are no cameras on their phones either. I couldn't see a thing my dear girl. You are the easiest mark I know."

I moved quickly behind Jennifer and Gordon. I watched as Delicious turned a color red that was so deep and vivid it almost looked black.

I shouted to her, "Use the scientific method."

She shouted back, "I am using the scientific method. Each and every one of them has you winding up dead. Jennifer are you absolutely sure you love that bastard."

"Yes, I am very sure I love that bastard."

I smacked my future bride on her backside and she yelped.

"You said you weren't going to do that until after we were married."

"You deserved that one and you know it."

Gordon said, "Mommy you used a bad word about daddy, and he spanked you. If I did it you would have spanked me."

I picked Gordon up, kissed him, and started to walk with Rod towards his minivan.

Jennifer yelled, "I am going to get more than even with you Even."

I turned and smiled. "I would certainly hope so."

Delicious caught up with me, and asked, "What was wrong with the airplane?"

"What did it cost me to rent a Boeing 787?"

"It didn't cost you anything. The secretary for Boeing's chairman called to find out if I had any more information about you just like all your friends did. She made me promise to call with any updates. I called her to tell her you had come out of the forest and were now in the hospital in Fairbanks and we were going to rent a jet to get you home. She talked to the chairman and he came on the line. He said he would send an airplane to Fairbanks to pick you up and bring you home. I didn't ask him what type of aircraft. I thanked him for making it easy on me and on you, and invited him to this gathering. He apologized and told me he had a previous engagement for today, but he might be able to make it for Sunday. I thanked him again and told him we would look forward to having him at the wedding. I had no idea he was sending a large airplane to get you, no less the newest one in their fleet."

"Little girl, you just avoided the longest spanking of your life. The airplane was beautiful and holds more than 180 people. There were four crewmembers, and three passengers. If Jennifer did not sit on my lap all the way home, it might have been a little disconcerting."

*******

In a vacant area of an old parking lot, Rod's six children were playing soccer, or something that resembled it. I put Gordon down, but I held onto his hand.

Delicious said, "General Jeffrey lineup the troops."

Gordon looked at me and said, "He's a general?"

"No, he is just a play general, because he is the oldest of the children."

I said to Delicious, "Tomorrow, when we have time, Gordon is going to test you to see if you are as smart as I told him you are."

Delicious put a mean look on her face and said to Gordon, "So you think you are smart. I'm going to test you now. I'm going to introduce you to these six children and give you their ages. When I'm finished I'm going to ask you a question about each of them. You better know the answers Gordon, or you will fail the test."

Gordon looked Delicious straight in the eye and said, "Can't you think of something harder?"

Delicious was taken aback by his brashness. "If you pass this test I'll find something harder for you tomorrow."

"I am ready."

Pointing to each child as she went along, Delicious said, "Jeffrey is seven, Steven is six, Rod is six, Rose is four, Lily is three, and Adam is one."

Gordon waived everyone. "Hello, my name is Gordon, and I am 4 years old. My mommy is going to be the bride. Her name is Jennifer."

Jeffrey pointed to Rosalynn and said, "That's my mom her name is Rosalynn, but everyone calls her Roz. Hello Gordon." The five other children said hello shortly afterwards.

Gordon walked over to Rosalynn, reached out his hand, and said, "Hello Mrs. Laver."

"Hello Gordon would you like to play with my children?"

"I am thinking about it. I have never played with that many children before. I may get squished in the middle."

"You should never worry about getting squished in the middle, because your body bounces right back to its original size."

"Oh I didn't know that. It's like what happened this morning when daddy threw me in the air. Mommy was afraid I was going to hit the ground until daddy caught me. She worries about me a lot, because we have been alone for a long time."

"Well Gordon anytime you want to play, you can come over to my house and play with the children, or we can come over to your house and play there. The one thing about playing is that it is always fun. If you get a bruise or you bleed, you always get better, and go out to play again."

"Gordon it's time for you to take your test."

"This is going to be so boring."

Delicious and Roz shrugged their shoulders.

"General Jeffrey lineup your troops."

Gordon tugged on Delicious' skirt. "What?"

"Would you mix them up please to make it more interesting."

Delicious did more than that. She made Gordon turn around, mixed up the children, and had them lie down on the ground so there would be no visual clues as to their height. Then she had Gordon sit on the ground and turn to face the children.

Gordon clapped his hands.

Delicious asked, "You can't do it can you?"

"It's still easy, but this is the first time anyone's tried to do it to me this way."

Delicious tried to confuse him by skipping children, asking an age without the child's name and Gordon didn't miss a beat. It was over almost before it started.

Delicious said, "Excellent work Gordon. How much is 5×25?"

"125."

"8×42? "

"336."

"15×17?"

"225."

"What is the square root of pi?"

Gordon replied, "I always liked this one. If you take Pi and square it, and take the root of that square you wind up with Pi."

"That's funny Gordon, I always thought you wound up with cake."

"That's what my mommy always says."

"Gordon you and I are going to have a lot of fun."

"That's what my daddy says."

"Is that what you decided to call Even?"

"Yes. You will call him daddy soon too."

"Yes, maybe I will. Would you like to stay and play with Jeffrey and the other children?"

"Yes, please, if it's okay with you Mrs. Laver."

"It's fine with me Gordon. You can call me Roz if you'd like."

"Isn't that being disrespectful?"

"No, I am asking you to call me Roz."

"Thank you very much Roz."

"Delicious, it's time for you to go back to Even and Jennifer."

***********

23. CREATING AN ILLUSION

The one thing Jennifer and I wanted most was to stay together as much as possible once we arrived home. Her family and my friends had other ideas, and good intentions, but neither of us was happy.

Jennifer was whisked off to Brighton and her family would not tell her why. I was taken to a high-class men's store to be fitted for clothing.

I looked at Rod and said, "WHY?"

He replied, "Even, in a few months you will be a billionaire, yet you insist on walking around like a street bum. You don't have a decent pair of slacks or a shirt that matches them. I have already had all your underwear burned, because they were at least eight years old, stretched out behind recognition, and stained with God knows what. It is time that you dressed appropriately. You are going to be measured for suits, sport coats, shirts, ties, handkerchiefs, loungewear, socks, shoes, and underwear.

You will also have four tuxedos made for you in various shades of dark colors, with ingrained stripes, and bow ties. One of each of these will be ready for Sunday. You are marrying a beautiful young woman. You will look your absolute best for her. I love you as a brother, but if you argue with me about these changes, I will break both of your legs and get everything I want you to have done that way."

"Rod at any other time I might argue with you about these changes. After what I went through with Michael, I don't have the strength in me to do it. Whatever you want let's get it done, I have to get some sleep."

"That works out perfectly for you and for the next set of people who will work on you. Let's get you measured and get out of here."

For the next 20 minutes, Even was measured from foot to collar, inseam to waist, and armpit to wrist. When the tailors were finished with their measurements, they did it again for accuracy. They only had one chance at getting this right for Sunday. There would only be one fitting. They would have no second chance to get the clothes right for Sunday's nuptials.

Rod was paying for this from his own money. He was paying a premium for them to do it extremely fast, and accurately. The store would make a handsome profit if they did it right the first time. They would lose their shirt if they did it wrong. Rod wrote up this contract, and the wording was explicit. He explained it in detail to the owner of the store, and had the contracts signed and notarized. As I have said many times to many people, Rod is the finest lawyer I have ever known, and you don't fuck with Rod Laver, when it comes to the law.

********

Jennifer was sitting in her grandmother's living room wondering why her relatives were in another room screaming and hollering at each other, and she was not allowed in there. She was so frustrated she was about to scream for someone to tell her what was going on.

Her mother's mother came into the room, asked her stand and turn around. She wanted to say no desperately, but the sparkle in her grandmothers green eyes told her that something good was about to happen.

She did what she was asked to do.

Her grandmother said, "Please cover your eyes, and don't uncover them until I tell you."

Jennifer heard the laughing and giggling of her aunts and cousins as they rolled something into the room. She heard the sound of fabric being moved around and then there was no sound at all.

Her grandmother turned her around and said, "You can look now."

Jennifer uncovered her eyes and what she saw took her breath away. Displayed on a mannequin was the most beautiful wedding gown she had ever seen. It had a high scalloped neck that ended right at the throat. There was a three-inch diamond shaped opening that started just below the collarbone and ended at the beginning of the top of the breasts. The long sleeves were fitted, and ended just before the wrists, and they had same scalloped design as the collar. The bodice was fitted to the waist, then flared out into a soft bell shape that included a 15-foot train.

Jennifer had not said one word since she started looking at the dress.

Her grandmother laughed. "I guess she likes my dress."

Jennifer was shocked out of her reverie. "Grandma, this is your dress? Are you sure you want me to wear it? I don't deserve to wear white, I already have a child."

"You made a mistake when you were young. It does not mean you do not deserve to wear white at your wedding. You will wear my dress or I will take you over my knee and spank you."

Jennifer laughed. "What is it with spanking me all of the sudden. Everywhere I turn, someone wants to spank me."

Her cousin Bernadette said, "That's because you have a beautiful ass."

Her family laughed.

Jennifer's grandmother said, "Take your clothes off, we have to put the gown on you to make any alterations, or adjustments to it, so it fits you perfectly."

The living room drapes were closed, the overhead lights turned on and Jennifer began taking off her clothes. She was very self-conscious about doing this in front of so many people. She had lived alone for so long, with so few visitors, this was an unnatural act for her. Most of the family had ostracized her because she had Gordon out of wedlock. Although her parents with the wealthiest members of their clan, she was rarely invited to family functions. Suddenly, she's getting married, and her entire family is fawning over as if she had a visitation from the Holy Mother.

As Alice said while she was visiting 'Wonderland' "Things are getting Curiouser and Curiouser."

************

Delicious was standing in a ballroom of the Hyatt Regency hotel with one of the Party Planning Directors attempting to bring together a wedding motif for the bride and groom. They had gone through seven volumes of previously used designs, and they both agreed none of them were useful for this occasion.

Even was a top tier scientist, but also eccentric in the way he approached science. Of all his colleagues that came from around the country to see him, he had more patents, and was wealthier than all of them. However, 99 percent of them were better known and more respected than he was in the world of science, because of the fields they worked in. It didn't matter to them, and it didn't matter to Even, because they considered themselves peers, and let the outsiders make the comparisons.

It was up to her to make this event a happy medium between the scientist and the brides' family. So she return to the basics. She was going to do what her devious uncle told her to do when in doubt. (No it was not to PUNT.)

Delicious said to the party planner, "My uncle always says if High-Tech doesn't work, use Low-Tech. If low tech doesn't work, use High-Tech. In this case, neither works alone, so why can't we use them both? Give each person the big I-Pad 4th Generation unit. Hire a balloon artist, and have them make every type of scientific device they can make with balloons. High-tech and low-tech, Uncle Evens' way of solving a difficult problem."

The planner responded, "The high-tech way is going to be very expensive. $600.00 piece times 170 people. Let me get my calculator."

Without blinking, Delicious said, "$102,000 plus tax. No store is going to have 170 of them in stock. You are going to have to search around and get them in by Sunday. How about the balloon maker."

"Charlie and Ann are no problem. I will verify they are available for Sunday, and $5000 will take care of them."

"Have a varied menu in place, so everyone can order what they would like. No menus on the tables. Each guest will write down what they would like for dinner when they arrive. You had better have the item in the kitchen for them. Everything from sushi to steak, to truffles to tomato cherries; I don't care what it is or what it costs, have it here and make sure it's the finest available. If my uncle's attorney is dissatisfied with anything, there is going to be hell to pay."

"I know; I have had dealings with Mister Laver before, and I don't want to see him in court again. He is a very nice man to meet socially, but once he enters the courtroom he is a totally different person."

"Yes, that's the Rod I know and love. He will send over the contract later today. I would suggest you read it carefully before you sign it."

"I am not going to sign it. I am going to give it to our lawyers and they are going to sign it."

"Smooth move Karl; that is a very smooth move."