Third Time's the Charm

Doctor Klein looked at me with a somewhat concerned expression. That made me very curious. "How are you feeling, Glen? I mean really feeling. Be honest with me."

I shrugged. I felt okay. "I'm fine, sir. Some mild headaches, but I've had that for years. What's going on?"

He sipped at his own coffee before answering. "We've got a lot of sick people around here. I'm wondering if it's just some kind of bug or if we have something to be worried about."

"You talk to CDC recently?"

"Yesterday. They said there's nothing going on that they're aware of, but they want us to keep an eye on it and let them know if it gets worse."

I nodded, thinking about my circle of acquaintances. Several of them were sick. Mild things, but enough to make me curious. "Yeah. Wanda's been sick and Clint's not looking too good. We got some kind of internal epidemic here?"

"I don't think so, but it bears watching. Glad you noticed about Clint. That's what I want to talk to you about." He sipped at his coffee again, then continued. "Clint's diabetes is getting worse. I'd like to keep him closer to home, just in case. Are you willing to travel?"

"Yessir," I assured him. "I enjoy travelling. What would you like me to do?"

"I'd like you to take over P and T. Right now, it's too much travel for Clint. I want to take some of the pressure off him. You interested?"

P and T, procurement and transfer. That got my attention. It wasn't exactly a promotion and it didn't entail a salary increase, but it was a major career ticket punch if I was going to stay in this line of work. It was a good opportunity, and something I would enjoy.

"Absolutely, sir. I'd enjoy that."

A relieved smile crossed his lips and he nodded. "Thanks, Glen. I appreciate this. I'll push the paperwork through this morning and get you authorized through accounting and finance. Might need you to go to Nashville shortly"

"Something happening in Nashville?"

His smile widened. "John Werden called me last week. They might have that Jameson's you've been looking for. Said I could send you up there to talk with Tommy Ross and see if we can work something out. You want to go?"

A Jameson's; a Jameson's mamba. I'd been wanting one since starting at the zoo. Beautiful snake, certainly the most attractive of the mambas. They were the half-way house between the black and green mambas, both genetically and geographically. Their venom was in the middle, too, but more than powerful enough to kill. They were dangerous animals. They weren't exactly rare, but there weren't a lot of them available. They were pricey, and we'd just blown our budget on Sun King. Still, couldn't pass this up.

"Yes, sir, I'll go. You gonna set up the appointment or do you want me to call Tommy?"

"Why don't you call Ross and set it up? That would be easier. No middleman. Just tell Clint when you're going to be gone and how long."

"I'll take care of it, sir. I've been wanting a Jameson's for a long time."

"I know. Don't go overboard on this one, but you have my permission to be aggressive. Bring him back. And thanks for taking some of the load off of Clint."

"My pleasure, sir."

"Okay. I've gotta get moving. Let me know if you need anything else."

"Um, before I leave, can I ask you a question, sir?"

"Sure. What's on your mind?"

I shifted uncomfortably, but this should probably be taken care of before it became embarrassing. "Sir, a number of the staff are referring to me as 'Doctor Morris'. I don't have a PhD, and it makes me nervous. Do you think maybe a memo to the staff would make them realize I only have a Master's?"

Klein chuckled and shook his head. "That doesn't bother me in the least. I've actually heard some of the visitors call you doctor. Don't worry, Glen. I'm planning on sending you to UT Knoxville in the next year or two to get that PhD. If they jump the gun a bit, that's okay with me, Doctor."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wanda had been sick, and I was soon to find out why. It had nothing to do with whatever everyone else was passing around. I came home one afternoon after she'd had a doctor's appointment. She was beaming, bouncing around the house with a huge grin on her face.

"Guess what?" she said as soon as she saw me. She raced into my arms, giving me a tight hug and a passionate kiss.

After I recovered from her greeting, I admitted. "I don't know. What?"

Her smile got even wider and she kissed me again. "We're going to have a baby!" she announced.

"You're pregnant?" I questioned. "Really?"

"Yep, about 10 weeks or so."

"They know if it's a boy or girl?"

"Not yet," she smiled. "Maybe next month when they do the ultrasound."

"Well," I smiled, hiding my inner consternation, "You up to eating today?"

"Yeah. I feel good for a change."

"Then I'm taking you out to dinner. Let's celebrate."

She picked an Italian restaurant, which was fine by me. She ordered lasagna while I had a platter of ravioli. She chatted happily as we ate, while I mostly sat and listened. Didn't have much to say at the moment, and I didn't want to steal her thunder. This was her day.

After dinner, as we drove home, my mood started to darken. She didn't notice, which was a good thing. I didn't want to talk about it. In fact, I didn't want to talk about anything. She went totally nuts in bed that night, but I think I was a bit reserved. Again, she didn't seem to notice, which was just as well. When we finished, she went to sleep quickly. I didn't.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I called Tommy the next morning. "Hey, Tom. Glen Morris at Memphis. How's it going?"

"Hi, Glen. Going well. The boss tells me we have something you're interested in."

"Oh, yeah," I confirmed. "We need that Jameson's. Calling to find out what you're going to ask for him."

There was a delay on the other end. Then Tommy replied, almost apologetically. "Yeah, I've got a Jameson's, but he's gonna be kind of pricey. I understand you guys almost broke the bank on Sun King."

I took a deep breath. The possibility that this snake was going to slip away was not a pleasant thought. "Yeah," I admitted, "we're kind of cash strapped at the moment. Could you hold him until the next quarter starts?"

"I can't promise that, but I might have a better idea."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"We're hurting for exotic vipers right now. Understand you guys have quite a few of them."

I pursed my lips. "Guess that depends on your idea of 'quite a few'. We've got four Gaboon Vipers, three Russell's and three Rhinos."

There was silence on the other end of the line, but I could hear breathing and a pencil scratching. Then Tommy asked, "Are your Gaboons mated pairs?"

"I wouldn't exactly call them mated, but it's two males and two females."

"Okay. Well, how about a pair of Gaboons for the Jameson's?"

I thought about that for a minute. We would still need a new enclosure, but we had four or five empties right now. Besides, that would be two fewer mouths to feed at the price of adding one. "Yeah," I responded. "We can do that."

"Why don't you call me sometime next week the day before you want to come up. We'll get the cage ready for the Gaboons and get Jimmy ready to transport."

"Wait a minute," I chuckled. "You named a Jameson's mamba Jimmy?"

"Hey, don't blame me. It was the staff's idea. Besides, I'm betting your male Gaboon is named Gabby."

"Nope," I advised him. "Gabriel."

"Huh. That's kind of a cool name for a... wait a minute. Don't tell me. The female's name is... "

"Yep. Gabriella."

Tommy started laughing. "Talk to you next week, Glen."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

By the time the next week rolled around, whatever creeping crud was circulating the zoo had caught up with me. Urgent care told me there wasn't much of anything to do about it, just rest, fluids and aspirin or acetaminophen. Besides, no damned cold was gonna make me miss out on the Jameson's.

It's about four and a half hours from Memphis to Nashville. I told Wanda I'd be back very late tomorrow or the following morning, depending on what happened in Nashville. I left Memphis at 3am. That got me away from Memphis without any traffic and into Nashville just after the zoo opened.

Tom and I had talked the previous day, so all of the paperwork was filled out. All we had to do was countersign each other's copies and physically exchange the snakes. I was back on the road before ten.

I had to take it easy on the return trip, so it was a bit past three when I got back to the zoo. Clint said I looked like hell. He took control of Jimmy, signed the transfer log, and told me to go home and take a couple of days off. I almost wish he hadn't.

The door had just swung shut when I heard the noises coming down the hallway. Just a few steps in that direction told me they were coming from the bedroom. The groans, grunts and giggles made it pretty obvious what was going on.

I went back to the living room and sat down in the upholstered chair that faced the sofa. My mind was in a cold-inducted fog, but I still couldn't figure out why the hell she would bring him to my house to screw around instead of just going to his place. Unless, of course, he was married. I figured I'd know soon enough. A series of loud groans and a sharp moan told me they were finished. Now it was just a matter of waiting.

About twenty minutes later a well-proportioned young man walked into the living room. He was wearing jeans, but what caught my attention was the dark blue t-shirt with the gold shield emblazoned on it. What caught his attention was my fingers tapping the butt of the.380. I pointed to the couch and he sat down.

Only a minute or two later, Wanda came bouncing out of the bedroom in a pair of bikini briefs and a t-shirt. She froze when she saw me. I pointed to the couch again and she sat down next to her lover.

"Okay," I began, "you're a firefighter?"

"Yes, sir," he replied. His attention, however, remained riveted to the pistol.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Mark, sir," he answered nervously.

I shook my head blowing out a long breath. I looked at Wanda for a long moment, then back to Mark.

"Relax, Mark. If anybody gets shot, it won't be you." I'm not sure how he reacted to that, but Wanda paled. "Is that your baby?" I asked.

"Glen!" Wanda protested, "It's your baby! You know that! Why would you think it's not yours?"

"Stuff it, Wanda," I snapped. "I've been sterile since I was 18. I can't father a child. Now keep your mouth shut. If I want anything from you, I'll ask for it."

The firefighter couldn't contain his curiosity. "What happened, sir?" he asked quietly.

"Severe infection. I had a 104 fever for several days. When it was over, the doctors told me I was sterile."

"I'm sorry, sir," he said.

"Don't be. It's one hell of a great form of birth control."

He snickered at that, then looked at me with alarm. "Sorry, sir."

"Why?" I chuckled. "It is funny. Everything still works, I'm just shooting blanks." He looked like he was afraid to laugh, so he just gave me a thin smile and shook his head.

"Now, Mark, once again, is it your baby?"

"Probably, sir," he replied.

Now it was my turn to snicker. I found it kind of ironic that Mark now knew that it wasn't my child but could only reply with 'probably' when asked if it was his. I doubt that Wanda caught the inference. Probably above her grade level.

It took me a few minutes to gather my thoughts. I couldn't miss him reaching for her hand. She gave it to him, but she was staring at me with fear-filled eyes.

Finally, I asked, "Do you love her?"

"Yes, sir" he answered immediately.

"Wanda, do you love him?"

"Yes," she said in a nervous whisper.

"Okay. Mark, take her back into the bedroom. She has two suitcases in the closet. Help her pack them. When you leave, take her with you. You can come back for the rest of her stuff on the weekend, while I'm here. Wanda, I want your house key. I'll have the locks changed tomorrow. Go ahead."

It took a while for them to get the suitcases packed. I doubt that either of them was fully functional at the moment. Regardless, in about forty-five minutes they came back into the living room, Mark carrying the suitcases. He placed them on the floor and looked at me. Wanda lay her key on the end table.

I walked toward him and offered my hand. He took it uncertainly.

"Congratulations, Mark. I wish you the best of luck."

Then I turned to Wanda. "You've got a good man here," I told her. "Try to be worthy of him."

She tried to hug me, but I wouldn't let her.

"I'll see you both this weekend."

- - - - - - - - - -

I tried to watch TV after they left, but I couldn't get interested in anything. I locked up the house and headed for a little bar that I occasionally visited. The bartender waved as I sat down and walked over to me at the end of the bar.

"Hi, Glen. The usual?"

I nodded. "Chivas on the rocks. Make it a double."

Nick walked to the shelf and pulled down the bottle of high-priced Scotch. Pouring the drink, he walked back to me. "This is pretty heavy for you. Snake business not doing too well?"

"Nah," I indicated, taking a sip and letting the delicious spirit burn its way down my throat. "The legless snakes are doing just fine. We got our Jameson's Mamba this morning. He's beautiful. Nashville let us work out a trade, so we didn't have to buy him."

"That sounds good," the barkeep agreed. "So why the heavy-hitter?"

I snorted. "Two-legged snakes are a different story."

He took a deep breath and his eyes widened. "That doesn't sound good. Think I'll just leave this alone."

"Yeah," I agreed. "That's probably a good idea. Thanks." I sat at the bar sipping at the drink and watching a football game on the television. It didn't take long for me to realize that drinking on top of how lousy I felt wasn't a good idea. After a good morning, this day had sucked, and it was about to get worse.

The Chivas lasted about two hours. When it was finished, so was I. I thanked Nick for his understanding and dropped a twenty on the bar. A big tip, yeah, but he earned it. I needed someone to commiserate with.

I had started for home when the worst possible thing happened to me. Without warning, my rear-view mirror was filled with flashing blue lights. I was next to a convenience store, so I pulled in and parked. The police car pulled in behind and blocked me in. A female officer stepped out and walked up beside me. I lowered the window. When the officer looked in, she smiled in recognition.

"Evening, Doctor Morris. Are you okay?"

I smiled. Maybe my luck was turning. It was Officer Harrison, from the cobra incident. "Hi, Officer Harrison," I responded. "I'm really not sure. I've got some kind of bug, and I think I might be a little drunk. Am I DUI?"

"Probably," she advised me. "You taking any prescription medicines with the alcohol?"

"No, but I'll probably take some aspirin when I get home."

"Okay. Come on, we're going inside for a minute."

The nighttime clerk at the convenience store was a Pakistani native who'd just been nationalized an American Citizen. He was one of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet. Officer Harrison took the lead.

"Hi, Rashad. How's it going tonight?"

"Ah, Officer Anne," he smiled. "Is good to see you. Would you like some coffee?"

"That would be nice," she admitted. "May my partner have some, too? He's not feeling too well."

The clerk was only too happy to let us take the coffee, offering donuts or other pastries if we wanted them. We both took small cups of coffee but declined the sweets.

"Rashad, there's a green Honda Accord parked outside. It will be there overnight. Consider it a police impound. We'll be back for it tomorrow. Please pass that on to your relief in the morning. Doctor Morris here is the owner, and he'll probably be the person who picks it up."

"That is fine," he agreed. "I will keep an eye on it. Teresa will be coming in at seven. I will tell her."

"Thanks, Rashad. Anything new going on in your world?"

Officer Harrison drew the clerk into a comfortable domestic conversation as we drank our coffee. When we had finished, we went back outside.

"Lock your car up. I'll take you home."

I looked at her, a little surprised. "You're not arresting me?"

"Doctor, you're sick, not drunk. You need to take a few days off and just watch TV. You can come back for your car tomorrow. It'll be safe here. Now, come on. Get your car locked up and climb into mine."

Doing as she directed and locking my car up tight, I slid into the front seat of hers and listened as she advised her dispatcher that she was escorting a sick motorist home. The vehicle involved was secure in a parking lot, so no wrecker was needed. The dispatcher acknowledged her call and assigned her a report number. Fifteen minutes later, I was home and climbing into bed. I'd been damned lucky.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was out for a week. Turned out it was some kind of viral thing, not exactly the flu but close enough. I was pretty sick but it was tolerable. Probably shouldn't have gone back quite as soon as I did, but I was bored.

Clint was concerned but allowed me back, seeing as he'd gotten a flu shot and made everyone else in the department do the same. After seeing what I looked like, they were all happy to have done so. They'd put 'Jimmy' in the enclosure next to Sun King, which was fine by me. They'd also changed his name to 'Mason', which I found a bit more palatable. I spent the first two days back trying to catch up on paperwork. It was a bit slow, but we made progress.

At the start of the following week, Clint walked into my office and sat down. "Got an interesting phone call Friday afternoon," he advised me. He had that contemplative look in his eyes that said whatever this was, it was likely important. "Lexington called for you, but I told them you still weren't feeling well. Said I'd have you call them."

"Okay," I nodded. "What does Lex want?"

He took a sip of his coffee, biting at his lower lip as he often did. "They're interested in getting one of our Retics. I told them that Big Boy probably wasn't available, but the 22-footer and 14-footer were likely in play. Tony said they had a blue and gold Tiger they'd be willing to trade."

That got my attention. Tiger snakes were beautiful animals and the blue/gold variant was the top of the line. They were also the eleventh deadliest snake on the planet, measured by venom toxicity. "You sure you want something that hot here?"

"If you think we can handle it. Would only be the two of us working with it, and we'd have to get somebody to stock the anti-venin for us. Memphis State would probably do that."

"Well," I reflected, "there's a polyvalent for Tigers that isn't too expensive. Too many variants to try for species specific. Still pricey, though. About $4 thousand a vial."

"How much do you think we should stock?"

"At least twenty vials."

Clint frowned, shaking his head. "That's a bit rich for us right now."

"Yeah. What else did they have to offer?"

"They have a Death Adder, but that's even worse."

"Yeah," I agreed, "a lot worse. That stuff's about twenty grand a vial. Maybe I should just call them and see what we can work out. I won't agree to anything without your okay."

"That sounds good. I'll leave it with you."

I called Lexington about three hours later and worked out a deal with them. When I ran it by Clint, he approved it. I didn't really want any of the Australian snakes they were offering. Anti-venin for those animals was absurdly expensive. Instead, we agreed on a flying snake, a carpet python and a rock python. None of them was the size of the reticulated python we agreed to swap, our 22-footer, but they pretty much rounded out our python collection and we didn't have a flying snake. It was a good deal for both parties.