Third Try's a Charm

I was in the grocery store when I saw my therapist from hell.

"Steve, I thought you died," she said, in a not too compassionate tone of voice. "I see you're still sitting in that crutch, looks like you finally gave up. Too bad, I thought you had enough balls to work through it."

"Karen, you don't have a clue what I had to go through," I retaliated back at her.

"You're right, I don't know what it's like to be in a wheelchair, I do know one thing, if it were me and I had a chance to get out of it, I sure as hell would have given it a lot more effort than you showed. You gave up, plain and simple. It got hard and you took the easy way out. So don't expect me or anyone else to feel sorry for you. You had your chance and you blew it. You can sit there and wallow in self-pity, or get your ass up and do something about it. Just don't cry poor me, because no one cares any longer." I hated to admit it—she was right.

Sue took me five day a week for the next three months. The first couple of weeks I cried myself to sleep it hurt so much—it only got worse. I spent more time on my face than Carla or Robert did when they were learning to walk, but I didn't give up.

I saw the kids every Sunday, and for the first time in ages I tried to put on a happy face. With a new attitude they started to spend more time with me because they wanted to, not because it was expected of them.

I got cocky one day at a session and fell flat on my face. On the way down I tried to catch myself with my right hand. I badly sprained my wrist, which made matters even worse. Now, not only my legs hurt but also my right arm—I didn't stop. When I made it down the whole length of the walkway from hell my sister hugged me with tears in her eyes. I already had tears in my eyes, not just tears of joy—I hurt like a son of a bitch.

"Gary, give her half of everything including the sale of the house," I told my attorney. "She deserves it being married to me all these years. However, I would like joint custody of the kids, if at all possible. See if you can make that happen and have her sign the papers so I can list the house and put this all behind me." I was beginning to feel human again.

"How much weight have you lost?" Sue asked me at my next session.

"Thirty-five pounds," I proudly announced. "It's a lot easier trying to walk without carrying thirty extra pounds of love handles." We laughed at that. "And you know what? Yesterday I made it all the way upstairs and slept in my old bed." I was proud but lonely too. "You ever see her?"

"Occasionally. She asks about you once in a while but that's about it. She says she's pretty busy what with the kids and work and all. Why don't you give her a call, I know you want to."

"Naw, she's better off without me. Too much baggage on both sides to start again. She's probably got some hot, rich guy with two good legs to chase her around by now. I just need to get back to where I was and start again, hopefully right this time."

When I went to work on crutches the following week I was given a round of applause. I still hurt but sucked it up with the help of a few meds. Next I threw out my old bed and bought a new and better one. I thought about a waterbed but settled on one of those new Tempurpedic mattresses that was supposed to be the best thing for your back.

"Dad, you sure have strong arms," Robert said, when I lifted him over my head, lying on my new bed with Carla looking on.

"You try dragging one hundred and ninety pounds around for this many months and you'll have strong arms too.

"Dad, how come there is a For Sale sign out front?" Robert wanted to know.

"I don't need this big house anymore. I plan on getting a smaller place somewhere."

"We are still going to have our own rooms, aren't we?"

"We'll have to talk about that later, okay?"

"Maybe if we all moved back home you wouldn't have to sell the house." Robert was not letting up on this.

"Kids, it's just a house, nothing else anymore. Remember, a home is more than just four walls. It's a place you go to feel safe, loved, and wanted. This house doesn't feel that way to me anymore, too many bad memories. Besides, don't you like living with Grandma and Grandpa?"

This time Carla got in the act. "It's nice and they're always buying us stuff, but we hardly see you anymore."

"Don't worry, you'll always have your old dad, that will never change." Sue picked up the kids shortly after eight Sunday evening. Shannon never came for them. They put up a little fuss, but when I told them we'd be going to the zoo next week it made it a little better.

"Steve, you can't walk around the zoo."

"For my kids, I'd walk through hell and back."

"Too bad you didn't come to your senses earlier, then maybe they'd still be with you."

"Yeah right, when pigs fly."

Life was improving, work was going better, I was seeing the kids, yet something was missing—I could feel the emptiness. At the hardware store Sue's new advertisements were bringing in a lot of new business. We were making more money than Dad ever dreamed we could. Sue had to put on two additional employees, and we expanded into the vacant store next to ours.

It was Tuesday; Sue was still picking me up and taking me to my physical therapy sessions every week.

"This is the last one you're going to need to take me to," I told her on the way home. "I'm taking you away from the store and David, and it's time I do some things for myself. The pain after the sessions is not so bad. I can drive myself now."

"I've got the store covered, besides I like going with you. This way I know you're working hard." I gave her the look. "Okay, so you'd be working hard even if I wasn't there."

"It's just that it's time I do a few things on my own," I told her cautiously. And I think it's time I started over." Then I added hesitantly, "Maybe some place different?" I waited for the eruption.

"Say what? What the hell did you just say?"

"It's just that I've been offered a position with a different division, that's all."

"And where is this new division and position located?"

"Sheffield, England."

"No fucking way in hell are you moving all the way to England. I'm sorry, I just won't allow that," my sister said, slapping my hand away as I tried to reach for her. "You're the only family I have and you're not leaving, and that's that! Think about your children. Think about my children. No, it's not going to happen." She kept saying that over and over again.

"Sue, as soon as my divorce is final I'm accepting the position. If I haven't sold the house by then, I'll rent it out. The kids will survive, and I can take them for two weeks in the summer. The rest of the time we can talk on the computer. I just need a change, too many memories I need to get away from."

"Have you talked to Shannon about this?"

"I haven't spoken to Shannon in months, and she has nothing to say about it, or won't in a couple of months."

"Steve, you're making a huge mistake, you know that, don't you?"

"I guess I've made a lot of them over the last year, but it's time I put the past behind me and start fresh somewhere far away from here." She started to cry, which made me hold her even tighter.

"It's not fair. I almost lost you once, and now you're running away." I was going to argue that point with her, but I knew she was right.

"You really are an asshole, you know that?" She was sobbing on my shoulder.

"You're not the first and probably won't be the last to call me that. Just think of it as your home away from home."

I was still negotiating wages and room allowances. Since the cost of living would be a lot higher there was no way I could afford a house. Maybe a condo or a townhouse, but nothing like what I was giving up. My boss asked if I sure about this, I shrugged, telling him there was nothing keeping me here any longer.

"Steve, you know you have to sign a two year contract. Once that's done you're obligated for the full twenty-four months." I told him I understood. Why was everyone trying to talk me out of it?

Two weeks later I had my last session with Queen Bitch Karen.

"I hear you're leaving and moving to England. You do know the weather there sucks, don't you? It's cold and the dampness will make your legs hate you everyday you are there. Now, if you were going to the tropics, that's a place I'd move with you. Just think, you'd have your own personal therapist to take care of you seven days a week."

"And what would your husband say about that?"

"Husband? What husband? Randy is just my roommate, that's all. He may think he owns me but he really doesn't." We laughed at that one. "Well, since this is your last session let's see how far you've come."

I hated her by the time I left. She twisted, pulled, and stretched my legs beyond what they were made to do even before the accident. I was limping by the time I left. I hurt but felt good at the same time, if that makes any sense.

I received only one offer on the house and it was a poor one at that. Sue told me I'd be a fool to accept it. Even though nothing was moving in this market, I had to turn the offer down. Looked like I would be renting the place. Sue and David agreed to oversee the upkeep. Our attorneys were working out the final terms of the agreement, and by Tuesday that would be that. I wouldn't even have to appear in court when the papers were filed and it became final.

My legs woke me up Sunday somewhere around seven. I popped a pill and did something I hadn't done in forever. I laced up my running shoes and headed out to the trail.

Okay, I couldn't run and truth be know I had a hard time even walking, but I was upright and moving forward. I found I had to stop about every ten minutes—I figured for a cripple I was doing pretty well.

I know what you're probably thinking. Shannon ran by, we fell into each other's arms and everything went back to the way it was before. No such luck. What actually happened was this: my legs stiffened up, and I ended up having to have two guys help me back to my car. If not for them I probably would have ended up sleeping somewhere on the trail.

I had dinner with David and Sue Sunday night. Sue tried again to convince me not to go. "You're making a huge mistake, believe me, I know what I'm talking about. Why don't you take a couple of months off to get your head straight? You're mobile now, take a cruise, live a little before jumping into something I know you'll regret."

"It's time to move on. It'll be tough for a little while but I'll adjust, and if not, it's only two years."

We argued for about twenty more minutes before David said if we kept it up he was going taking the damn job himself, and I'd have to take care of Sue and the baby for the next two years. We finally shut up.

Monday was tough. I hadn't gotten much sleep Sunday night and was a little off to say the least. At about two o'clock in the afternoon I called it a day and went home. I spent the night fully dressed on my bed looking up at the ceiling. I was angry, sad, and lonely all at the same time. At that point I think if I fell asleep and never woke up, it wouldn't have bothered me one bit.

The final meeting was scheduled for nine o'clock at Shannon's attorney's office. My stomach was in such a knot I couldn't handle breakfast for fear of throwing it up. I was going to wear a suit and look my best to show her what I'd become after so many months of hard work, but ended up in a pair of Dockers, new sneakers, and a Harley Davidson tee shirt. Putting that tee shirt on brought back memories both good and not so good.

I met Gary outside the building; we went up to the office together. Shannon and her attorney were already there waiting for us in the conference room. We walked in, refused their offer of coffee, sat down, and went at it.

She looked great, what I could see of her. Her head was down and she never once looked me in the eye. I'd forgiven her months ago but forgetting her was going to take time—a lot more time. We'd pretty much agreed to almost everything when Sue burst into the room followed closely by the receptionist.

"You're both idiots, you know that?" she said, shouting at Shannon and me.

"Excuse me, Miss, we're conducting a meeting here and if you don't mind..." Shannon's attorney started to say when Sue told him to shut the hell up.

"Shannon, tell him or I will," she demanded, looking directly at a now visibly shaken Shannon.

"Tell him how you watched the store so I could take him to therapy every day. How you goaded him into going to therapy by having him served with divorce papers. How you monitored his damn weekly progress and even had weekly meeting with Karen to see if she could push him a little harder so he'd walk again. Steve, ask her about all the ads she designed for the store and the new business ideas she came up with. You were too blind to see what was happening right under your damn nose. She loves you so much she was willing to let you go because of what she did, but I'm sorry I just can't sit idly by anymore no matter what I promised Shannon. You two had a good life, and although it wasn't perfect, you belong together. And, as God is my witness, if you go through with this I'll hate you both until the day I die."

She was breathing hard and staring at the two of us; all eyes in the room were on her.

"Well? Jesus Christ, will someone say something?" I pretty sure none of us knew quite what to say.

For the first time since we'd arrived Shannon looked up at me. There were tears, her mascara was smeared, and she looked a mess, a beautiful mess. Her blonde hair had grown out and was tied back in a ponytail like the first time I saw her. She still hadn't said a word, but I didn't think my sister would lie about what she said.

Gary indicated that maybe a break was in order. The two attorneys headed for the door leaving the three of us.

"Look, life isn't easy, and the two of you have both made some huge mistakes. But correct me if I'm wrong, there is still something there between the two of you? I can feel it even if either of you can't. What's the big rush? Take six months and if you still want to go through with the divorce after that, the paperwork is already done. If not, you've both got a lot of catching up to do." Sue smiled, her eyes pleading with us. I was numb, and didn't have a clue what was going through Shannon's mind.

I needed to get out of there and breakfast sounded as good as anything about now, since I hadn't had any.

Shannon and I sat at Denny's, a pot of coffee, and two grand slams in front of us; Shannon had the French toast, I had pancakes. Neither one of us had a clue how or where to start, knowing it had been way too long.

"I'm sorry," she said with a weak smile, reaching for my hands.

"Shannon, lying in that hospital bed I was so angry with you, I would have choked you if I could have." I needed her to know that, but at the same time trying not to start an argument in the crowded restaurant. It was important I be perfectly honest. "I wanted you to pay for what you did, no matter what the cost, but I lost myself somewhere in the process. It wasn't until much later that I realized what type of person I'd become. Revenge had consumed me. Would you really have gone through with the divorce without saying anything?"

"Steve, we no longer had any resemblance of a marriage. I had my hands full taking care of our children, the house, my job, all the while being eaten up inside by my guilt. It was only a matter of time before I finally broke."

"I wasn't much help, was I?"

"I didn't want your help. I was going to fix the problem I'd created on my own without anyone's help, but I didn't have a clue what that entailed. I tried, I really tried, but I couldn't fix it. Our problems became too huge for me or anyone else to solve while we were under the same roof. When it started affecting our children I knew I had to do something. I could ill afford to drag Robert and Carla down with us. You had become someone I no longer recognized or liked, and we weren't even going through the motions of being a couple any longer." She paused, wiped her eyes and looked at me. Sad is the only word I can use to describe what she looked like. Her hands were wet but cool as she took a deep breath and tried to compose herself. I was almost afraid of what she was going to say next.

"My dad was the one who told me I had to do something, if for nothing else but for our kids. We were no longer a family. Robert and Carla deserved more than what we were giving them. He took both you and I to task for letting it go this far, and he stepped in to break my cycle of hate and self-pity."

"Divorce takes about seven to eight months start to finish," he told me one Sunday afternoon at their house. He said that since we were no longer talking nothing was going to get resolved. He reminded me we are adults and if we couldn't work out our problems and our marriage goes down in flames so be it, but he said that his grandkids deserved more. He said I should file, get my ass out of that house, and take care of what I'm supposed to. He hoped that maybe with us being apart we might be able to jump-start our marriage, and if not, well, life goes on, only this time separately. He was right—I took his advice, I had no choice.

"Steve, I wanted nothing from you but your love, and I felt like I'd killed that through my own stupidity. I told Sue I would help her and do whatever I could. Mom and Dad babysat while I covered for Sue at the store. After being there for a while, I came up with a few ideas to bring in additional business and thankfully they worked. The only thing I wanted now was for you to walk again. I told Karen to push you hard and not let up. I know what you are capable of. All you needed was a little push. Anger can be one hell of a motivator. I guess you can thank my dad for that one." She smiled for the first time.

"Well, your plan worked. I may not be one hundred percent but I'm upright and walking on my two legs again, although I'll never be able to break eighteen minutes in a 5k again—I can live with that." We were still skirting the issue of where we were going from here.

I finally had to address it. "Okay, where do we go from here? Sue made it pretty clear how she feels, but I'm not sure we have anything left." Shannon was still holding my hands, looking up at my eyes. I grabbed our bill and started to get up from our booth. "Let's get out of here. There is no use airing our dirty laundry in public anymore. Why don't you come over to the house? It may not be as neat as it once was, but at least it will be quiet.'

We didn't get much done in the four hours we talked. She was sorry but angry for what I'd put her through. And me? I still had major trust problems with what she'd done with and without Jerome."

"I need to ask you something. I don't want you to get angry, but I have to know," I said a little nervously. "Are you using anything?" Shannon gave me a look that could have frozen water at twenty paces.

"How stupid do I look? After all that has happened, do you really think I'd still be using? I guess we really don't know each other any longer."

"Look, I had to ask even though Sue said she had you tested. You fooled me for quite a while. I just needed to know."

"Do you want me to take a drug test, is that what you're asking? If you do, I don't have a problem with that, but I'll have you know I've been clean since that night." There was still a lot of anger between us, and until that was resolved we were going nowhere. We did decide one thing. We would put the divorce on hold for the time being, to see what happens. Sue was elated at the news. Shannon and I were apprehensive, but hopeful.

We were right to be concerned. Shannon and the kids came over Sunday. We had a barbecue, trying to make it as normal as possible for Carla and Robert. It gave us another chance to talk and maybe work out a few issues, but that didn't happen. It seemed no matter what one of us said the other seemed to take offence, and when it started to get a little heated we just stopped. We both realized that there was no way in hell we could do this on our own.