Thoughts on Suzanna Ch. 01

After my orgasm, I felt really disgusted with myself. My wife and I had not really made love. It was actually more like masturbation. I had simply used Justine's vagina instead of my hand. Honestly, I would rather just not have sex at all if this was how it was going to be. I'd rather just jerk off in front of my laptop when Justine wasn't home.

So you could imagine my relief when Justine quickly fell pregnant and there was no longer a need to have sex.

Nine months later our son Vincent was born. He was so beautiful and I was so happy that we had started a family. Justine was an attentive and loving mother who doted on our adorable baby boy. And while having a newborn is definitely exhausting (to say the least) Justine and I were both overcome with pure love for our child.

But as the weeks and months went by, Justine made zero attempt to lose the baby weight. I totally understand that the mother of a newborn should not be expected to lose the weight right away. But as Vincent turned six months old, Justine was heavier than she had ever been.

I made a concerted effort to be a fully involved father. When I would come home from work, I did nothing but cook, clean and change diapers. On the weekends, I would take Vincent in my arms and tell Justine that she had the entire day to herself. She could do whatever she pleased. I never said it aloud, but I secretly hoped she'd go for a long walk or go to a healthy cafe and order a salad. But Justine's "self-care" days always seemed to involve more television and junk food.

While Vincent was only a few months old, I was surprised to learn that Suzanna had eloped with a tall blond German named Felix and had moved to Frankfurt. I remember in college when Suzanna had dated other men, she had never really been into blond white guys. But there was the photo of her and her new husband, attached to the group email she had sent all of our mutual friends. He wasn't a bad looking guy with his rosy cheeks, sandy blond hair and broad shoulders. And with Suzanna's olive skin and dark hair, they contrasted each other nicely. I emailed her and told her congratulations and that I looked forward to meeting her new hubby the next time they visited Chicago.

It turned out I wouldn't need to wait that long. When Vincent was around nine months old, Justine decided that it was time to visit her family in France and introduce them to our son. I had accumulated quite alot of unused vacation days at work, so the timing was perfect.

"Where in Germany are Suzanna and Felix living?" Justine asked as we were making our travel arrangements. "We should get in touch with them and see if they want to get together.

I emailed Suzanna and told her that Justine, Vincent and I would be flying to France. We made arrangements to meet in Saarbrucken in Germany, not far from the French boarder.

After spending a week and a half traveling around France and visiting various members of Justine's family, we finally made our way to Germany. Justine and I were booked into a different hotel several blocks away from where Suzanna and her husband were staying. So we decided to meet each other at a restaurant located roughly halfway between our respective accommodations.

Justine, Vincent and I arrived first. A few minutes later, Suzanna entered the restaurant holding hands with her new spouse. She looked good. Pretty much the same as she always had. But more importantly, she looked happy. She hugged me and gave Justine (who was holding our son) a kiss on the cheek. Then she introduced us to Felix He didn't seem overly friendly, but he was nice enough. Then Suzanna turned toward Vincent. "Oh, how adorable!" she exclaimed as she tickled his chin.

As we sat down at the table, we enthusiastically discussed the different changes that had happened in our lives since we had last seen each other. Felix didn't seem like much of a talker, but he listened attentively and was polite.

Justine and I had made plans to stay in Saarbrucken for four days. But it turned out Felix could only stay the first two. He needed to return to Frankfurt for work. But I was happy to learn that Suzanna would be staying for the entire four days.

We spent the first two days sightseeing in the city and the nearby countryside with Felix as our tour guide. He was relaxed, helpful and patient. It definitely isn't easy traveling with a nine month old infant. But Suzanna and Felix were both understanding and accommodating whenever Justine and I were running late to meet them. Or if Vincent began crying in the middle of a restaurant during one of our meals.

On the third day, after Felix had left to go back to Frankfurt, I was worried that Suzanna might feel like a bit of a third wheel. But she seemed to have no problem hanging out with Justine, Vincent and me without her husband present. We talked, just like it was old times.

And it was actually really nice to spend time speaking English with another American. For the eleven days prior to meeting up with Suzanna, I had been in France visiting with Justine's family, of course. And while most of them were extremely welcoming and kind, I spoke almost no French. And while many members of Justine's family could speak some English, most of them chose not to. I tried really hard not to take it personally. But I couldn't help but feel excluded. And while I don't think Justine did it on purpose, she was too focused on Vincent and her family members to notice my discomfort. So being in Saarbrucken and speaking English with Suzanna was like being able to breathe again after holding my breath for eleven days.

On the evening of our second to last day in the German border city, Suzanna took us out for a fantastic meal of sausages and beer just across the street from our hotel. Well, it was beer for Suzanna and me. Justine was still breastfeeding Vincent and had to avoid ingesting alcohol before nursing.

After dinner, Suzanna suggested going for a walk by the river. Justine declined. She was tired and wanted to head back to the hotel to put Vincent down. I inwardly sighed in disappointment. I didn't wanting the evening to end. I knew this would be my last chance to spend time with Suzanna until ... well, I didn't know when I'd see her next.

But then, luckily, Justine turned to me and said, "You two can still go if you want. I really need to put the baby to bed and then I just want to go to sleep."

"You're sure?" Suzanna asked. "The river's beautiful at night?"

"No, but thanks though," Justine said.

I kissed my wife of the forehead and watched as she headed across the street, our son in her arms. She entered the main entrance of our hotel and disappeared from sight.

I turned to Suzanna. "How about one more beer before this walk down the river?" I suggested cheerily. I had already been in a pretty good mood to begin with. But for some reason, the thought of getting to spend time with Suzanna one on one put me in an even better mood.

"Another beer?" she said raising an eyebrow. "You sure you can handle it? I think your alcohol tolerance may have gone down over the years. I think your time being a parent has cut into your drinking time."

"Yeah," I exhaled. "Being a dad doesn't leave a whole lot of time for going out and drinking. But still, I'm on vacation and tonight's my last night in Germany."

"Well, alright. Seeing as how you're on vacation and all," she said leading me towards another pub. "Just as long as you promise not to drink yourself into a stupor. If I send you back to your hotel stinking drunk, Justine will never allow me to take you out again," she laughed as she took my arm.

One beer turned into many. Three hours later, Suzanna and I were drunkenly stumbling along the walking path next to the river. It was a miracle that neither of us fell in. As we walked and talked, I started to become more and more honest about my feelings regarding my life as a family man.

"It's not that I don't love Justine. I do. But I just don't desire her anymore," I drunkenly confessed.

"Sam," Suzanna said with a pained look on her face. "I don't think I should be hearing this."

"Suzanna, please! I need to talk to someone about this." The alcohol had made me too truthful. But I didn't care. I really needed to vent.

Suzanna sighed and reluctantly nodded her head.

"She just looks completely different from how she did when we first met," I slurred.

"Sam," Suzanna exclaimed. "She just had a baby!"

"Justine gained weight before she got pregnant," I informed Suzanna. "And she had Vincent nine months ago. I'm not expecting her to lose all of the baby weight. At least not all at once. But she could have lost at least a few pounds in nine months."

"Sam, I don't feel comfortable discussing this!" Suzanna said with a furrowed her brow.

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked, exasperated. "I've tried everything!"

"Listen, your wife is still beautiful. She's got a lovely face, great hair and beautiful skin. And as far as her weight goes, well ... she can always change that. It's probably just temporary. She can start eating healthy and working out again."

"Yeah, but she doesn't," I replied bitterly. "That's the thing. If she was trying to change it, even if she was still overweight, I would be happy that she was at least trying. But she's not trying. She's doing absolutely nothing to change it!"

"I don't know what to tell you," Suzanna said looking down at the river.

"I love my family and I don't want to do anything to risk losing them. But if Justine doesn't lose weight soon, it'll only be a matter of time before I cheat on her," I said with a heavy sigh. Saying the words out loud, I shocked even myself.

"Sam, how can you say that about your wife? She's the mother of your child!" Suzanna sounded truly troubled by my confessions. "I know you're frustrated right now. But you need to be patient with her. You need to encourage her. She'll turn things around eventually," Suzanna said soothingly. She affectionately placed a hand on my arm and gave me a gentle squeeze.

Inebriated, I looked over at Suzanna. Her big brown eyes were wide and round, framed by thick lashes. She looked at me with a mixture of concern and pity. Her olive complexion had turned a bit rosy, especially on her cheeks. She was looking a little redder than usual due to our excessive alcohol consumption. Her dark pink lips were parted ever so slightly. Her long wavy hair rested on her smooth tanned shoulders. My drunken gaze followed the line of her thick dark hair down to her collar bones. And then further down to her prominent cleavage. Suzanna was not dressed in a particularly revealing outfit, but her low cut sundress was not exactly conservative either. And it enticingly displayed her bust.

Suddenly Suzanna removed her hand from my arm. Seemingly startled, she straightened her posture and took a swift step back. She had caught me staring at her breasts. I sheepishly looked up at her face. She lowered her eyes and quickly looked away from me, turning her gaze back to the river.

"No marriage is perfect," she said softly. "Every couple has problems. It's not exactly like Felix and I have sex every night."

"Oh, is that so?" I inquired with interest, relieved that I wasn't the only one experiencing marital problems.

"Of course, before we got married, we did it all the time. But after we eloped, we make love a couple of times a month ... if that often," she said wistfully. "I don't know why he's not interest. May there's something about marriage that makes people ..."

I did not let Suzanna finish articulating her thoughts on matrimonial mating habits. Instead, I grabbed her around the waist and pulled her towards me. She inhaled sharply. I could tell that I had caught her off guard, but I didn't care. I leaned forward, placed my mouth over hers and pressed firmly against her soft pink lips.

Her body stiffened somewhat in my grasp. She placed her hands on my shoulders and I could feel the subtle pressure of her pushing on me as she tried to pull away. And had I been sober, I would've let her pull away. I would've released her immediately. But in my sex-starved drunken state, I didn't notice immediately. Or maybe I didn't want to notice. Instead, my grip around her waist tightened as I pulled her even closer. I could hear her whimper as she made another dispassionate attempt to push against my chest.

However, despite my intoxication, it did eventually dawn on me that Suzanna wasn't kissing back. Not only was she not kissing back, but she was actually leaning away from me, trying to get away. She wasn't into this. I had made a mistake. A horrible terrible humiliating mistake. Not only was I cheating on my wife, but I was also jeopardizing a friendship and opening myself up to rejection and embarrassment. The combination of alcohol and sexual frustration had clouded my judgement. I was just making an ass out of myself in front of an old friend. An old friend who I happened to share a bunch of mutual friends with. Oh god! What if Suzanna told everyone that I had behaved like a drunken jerk and a desperate loser?

I realized that my advances on Suzanna were going nowhere fast. And not wanting to commit any acts of sexual assault, I knew I needed to take my hands (and mouth) off of her right away. I loosened my grip on her hips and began to pull my lips away from hers.

However, right before our lips broke contact, something unexpected happened. Suzanna's mouth opened ever so slightly. And her wet velvety tongue slipped past my lips and into my mouth. She softly and tentatively touched her tongue to mine. She stroked her tongue against my own. And before I knew it, we were kissing by the Saar River.

I firmed up my grip around her waist. I pulled her even closer, feeling the softness of her breasts against my chest. One of my hands wandered up from her hip toward the back of her head. I stroked her thick wavy black hair, which was so different from Justine's straight blond tresses. Not better or worse. Just different. Everything about Suzanna was different. As I pulled my mouth away from her lips, I leaned my head down and to the right to kiss the bronze silky skin of her neck. I kissed her all the way down to her shoulder. And then all the way back up to her ear. I could hear Suzanna sigh and I could feel her shudder in my embrace. I wondered how far she would let me take this.

Unfortunately she didn't let me wonder for long. Abruptly, she straightened her posture and took a big step back, breaking away from me. "Sam, this has to stop," she stated decisively, sounding more sober than I felt. "We're all supposed to have lunch together tomorrow. I can't look Justine in the face be all friendly with her when I've been messing around with her husband behind her back. And I'm married, too. I can't do this to Felix."

I heavily exhaled, but it probably came out more like an angry growl. I couldn't really argue with what Suzanna was saying. But I was so disappointed, I'm sure my frustration was palpable. Suzanna and I stared at each other few uncomfortable moments. The sounds of the flowing river was the only thing to fill the awkward silence between us. As I looked at her in the moonlight, I watched as her chest heaved up an down with her breath.

"Fine," I finally muttered. "You're right. I really do love Justine. And Felix seems like a cool guy. I guess we shouldn't do this," I conceded.

Suzanna seemed to relax a little. Then she smiled ever so slightly and said, "Hey, if we were both single, who knows what could've happened? But we're both married ... to other people."

"Yeah. And I don't want to do anything to lose my family," I acquiesced.

"Come on, let's get a taxi. I'll make sure you get back to your hotel and back to Justine and Vincent," she said. She looped her arm into mine and we ambled away from the river and back toward a main road.

The next day at lunch, as I was sitting next to my wife and infant son, I was feeling more than a little hangover. However, if I am to be completely honest, I really did not feel that guilty. I know that what I had done the night before was wrong. But as I looked across the table at Suzanna, the only thing that I really felt was that an opportunity had been squandered.

Hey listen, I know that cheating is wrong. And I know that most of you out there probably think I'm a total asshole. Fair enough; I don't blame you for judging me. But when you're in a sex-starved marriage with someone you're not attracted to, always doing the right thing becomes harder and harder to stick to.

At this point, found myself very attracted to Suzanna. And I know she had definitely been into me while we were kissing by the river. If only she hadn't stopped us. If only we had gone back to her hotel room that night. The things I would've done to her! Being married and living on different continents, when would we ever get the chance to be alone together again? I couldn't help but be a little irritated with her for wasting a chance for the both of us to get some much needed action. But she made her choice, so what could I do? I would never force myself on a woman. I had to respect her decision. Even if her decision didn't benefit either of us.

During lunch, Suzanna seemed friendly enough as the three adults at the table conversed and joked. But she did not seem completely at ease. Her body language seemed slightly uncomfortable and she was just a little too eager to be nice to Justine. There was a subtle hint of nervousness in her voice. She obviously felt guilty about kissing me. Fortunately Justine picked up on none of this. She was too preoccupied tending to Vincent. But I could tell that Suzanna felt badly about what had happened the previous evening.

After lunch Justine wanted to do a bit of souvenir shopping. I offered to watch Vincent. Suzanna offered to go together with Justine.

"Why don't you stay here with Sam and the baby," Justine suggested. "I only need to pick up a few things. It'll be faster if I go by myself."

Since we had already checked out of the hotel, Suzanna and I settled ourselves down on a couch in the hotel lobby. My infant son explored his surroundings, crawling around on the couch cushions. Suzanna and I made awkward small talk, mostly about Vincent and how cute he was. Neither of us mentioned the kiss by the river. Neither of us spoke of the difficulties in our marriages - a topic we had discussed quite openly the night before.

When Justine returned from shopping, Suzanna walked us to the station so we could catch our train back to France. The two women lightly embraced, kissing each other on the cheek. Then Suzanna gave Vincent an affectionate pat on the head. As I hugged Suzanna good-bye, I knew I couldn't hold onto her too tightly, lest I rouse Justine's suspicions. But I did press my chest to Suzanna's, desperate for one last feel of her ample bust. As the train pulled away of the station, Suzanna waved farewell to us. And my family and I headed back to France for another week with Justine's family.

After Justine, Vincent and I returned to Chicago, I threw myself back into work and tried to forget about Suzanna. She's not even my type, I kept telling myself. And even though I wasn't happy with Justine's weight, I knew that Justine's personality was much better suited to mine. And we had a child together, after all.

Work and family life took up most of my time. But that didn't stop me from dabbling in a few hobbies. I joined a CrossFit gym where I tried to go at least three times a week. As I watched the toned lean bodies of my fellow CrossFitters, I couldn't help but feel some bitterness over the fact that Justine would never entertain the idea of joining such an activity.

Now, I know many of you at this point are probably wondering why I just didn't get a divorce from Justine. I clearly wasn't attracted to her anymore and our marriage was anything but romantic. And looking back at the situation now, I probably should have divorced her before Vincent was conceived. But I didn't divorce her when I had the chance. And Vincent had been conceived and born. And I love my son. And in a platonic kind of way, I really did still love my wife. I simply no longer lusted after her. And, for better or for worse, we were a family with a small child. Divorce would have ruined me financially and I would have only been allowed to see my son every other weekend. The price of freedom just didn't seem worth it to me.