Tied Up in Knotts Ch. 05

"I want to check the cameras."

Lee looked at the camera and covered his face in defeat. He kept repeating my name then he started crying. That was all the confrontation I needed. I took a deep breath and walked to the bedroom. Lee cheated and now my marriage was over.

I packed a bunch of my stuff while Lee cried and apologized. Then he begged and pleaded. I had to wonder how much he meant it because he didn't even try to stop me. If the roles were reversed, I would've thrown myself in front of him, I would've unpacked everything he tried to pack. I would've made leaving me so hard.

It was almost like he was more upset about getting caught then he was about the actual crime.

I had so much I wanted to say and so many questions I wanted answered, but it wasn't the time. I bit my tongue and packed my life into two bags. Then I left. Lee followed me through the door to the car as tears streamed down his face.

"Please, Nash. Don't do anything rash before we can talk. Take a few days, a week, a month, whatever you need, but then can we talk? Please."

I didn't say anything, just closed the door on him. He started to panic when he realized I was leaving. Before I could pull away, he knocked on the window looking totally devastated. Even though it was his fault things were ending the way they were, I could feel my chest swell with emotion. I still loved him more than anything in my life

"Please? Please tell me we can talk about this."

"When things settle," I said.

And then I pulled away from everything I ever called home.

****

I don't know how I felt. I was hurt and angry and completely devastated, yet, part of me felt like I had my shit together. I was composed enough to stop at the grocery store and bought enough food to keep me alive for a few days. Then I waited for Len to call.

What I would have given to be twenty-four hours younger. When I thought love was forever and happiness was my every day standard. It was a simpler time, a far cry from sitting in my truck, eating a candy bar and waiting for the all-clear that my temporary living arrangement was free from prying eyes.

Speaking of prying eyes, I finally read all the text. Ryan gave me a hard time for ditching earlier and Penn made sure to know both Lee and I were invited to stop by. Len's text never came so I decided to bite the bullet and go, I was tired and didn't want to fall asleep in my truck.

As I neared the top, it was obvious everyone was still there. I parked, tucking the truck behind the cottage as much as possible so no one could see I was there. I snuck around the side and entered the cabin, which was unsurprisingly unlocked.

The cottage was beautiful thanks to Tia and her love of decorating. It was country chic; white, with white accents, and colorful flowers paired with more white accents. The kitchen was small with a little refrigerator, gas stove, counter space for one, and enough cupboard space for a three-day getaway.

Past the cozy living room and kitchen was a small bathroom, also white, followed by two bedrooms. I claimed the larger of the two by setting my bags on the floor against the wall.

This cottage, torn straight from the pages of a Joanna Gaines book, was my new home.

I turned the heater on, kept the lights off, and flopped down on the couch. The sun had already disappeared over the horizon. I had a perfect view from the couch and watched as what little light was left faded to black.

I thought about Lee. I always thought about Lee, more than anyone else in my life. I thought about him when I was excited, when the day was total shit, when my mom drove me nuts, when I couldn't decide what ice-cream to get. There wasn't anything that didn't make me think of him.

I was thinking about Lee when I heard truck engines come to life in the distance. The shadows began to move, moments later the convoy of cars began their descent. One by one they passed the window. Abby's newer Escalade lead the group, followed by Logan and Ryan in their white work trucks; if it weren't for the different work logos, I never would've been able to tell them apart. A few vehicles passed that I didn't recognize, then Penn's truck.

The cab light was on and I could see Camilla sitting in the passenger's seat looking for something. She said something that made him smile. The casual, intimate moment between them made me think of Lee. Because that was us, that was how we used to be.

I closed my eyes. I knew that one day I wouldn't think about Lee anymore, but it was a long way off. You don't forget your husband overnight. Seventeen years meant something, at least it did to me.

Not so much to Lee.

****

Despite waking up in a strange bed, I felt surprisingly...normal. Emotionally, it felt like any other day and I went about my morning routine without missing a step.

I had always been emotionally mature and excelled in times of distress, which you could easily categorize a cheating husband as such. As great as I felt, I knew the emotional warfare that lay ahead and I was prepared to face that beast.

Lee gave me one whole day before he reached out to me. I guess the whole 'take however much time you need' was code for 'twenty-four hours'. I told him that I needed more time and then ignored his calls and texts. Let me come over. Please. Yeah right. There was no way I was telling him where I was. And when he told me he missed me, I almost made a comment about Paul but didn't because the high road had all sorts of rules and regulations.

For two weeks I laid low and tried my hardest to keep a normal routine. I woke, ate breakfast, ran, and worked. When the evening came, I planned. Everything I owned was intermingled with Lee. Our savings, investments, and two rental properties were all shared.

I spent a good part of those two weeks thinking and stressing about finances, something I never did before. Lee made bacon compared to my peanuts and I was nervous about the adjustment. Once we split everything, I'd be a broke boy. I know it sounds selfish, but I was thinking about booking the trip to Thailand while we still shared money. Even if I could've done it behind his back, I knew it wasn't the right way to go.

Even if he deserved it.

The phone didn't even ring before he answered.

"Nash?"

"Hey."

"I'm so glad you called. I—" he hesitated. He was nervous, I could tell. "It's so good to hear your voice." I imagined his cowering tail wagging between his hind legs.

"I was hoping we could talk?"

"Yes," he responded quickly. "We can meet this weekend or, if you want to do it sooner, I can clear my schedule. I don't want to sound too eager but I will do whatever you want."

"Saturday is fine. I'll come by in the morning."

"Yes, that's perfect. Why don't you come for lunch? I'll make us food."

I sighed. I didn't want to draw this out, which is what would happen if I stayed for lunch.

"Please Nash. We have a lot to talk about and I'd like to make you lunch."

"Okay," I said. "I'll come by for lunch."

"Good, that's good," he said, relieved he wasn't rejected. "See you on Saturday."

****

I didn't have a single issue waking up every morning in a bed that wasn't mine or coming and going from a place that wasn't home. But pulling up to the house that I had designed from the ground up but was no longer my home, really threw me for a loop.

In the beginning, when it was being built, I thought we were creating our forever home. We picked fixtures, fought over upgrades, and dreamed of how we could entertain a house full of teenagers on the weekend and our family during the holidays.

Now all I could was Lee pulling Paul through the front door so they could fuck before I got home. Did Paul park in my spot or walk from his house?

I shook the thoughts from my head and knocked.

"Hey Nash," Lee opened the door and let me in. His smile was bright but his eyes were reserved.

I don't know why, but I was surprised when the house looked the same. The house was spotless and the table was already set for lunch. The table settings weren't the only thing Lee had spent time on. He looked amazing. His dark blonde hair was styled and he wore a flattering outfit; faded jeans and a white shirt. He looked like an angel—a lying, cheating, good for nothing fallen angel.

"I wasn't sure what you wanted so I made soup, salad, and club sandwiches." Lee rushed around until everything was on the table. I watched as he double checked his work. He was trying so hard to impress me. If he thought a well-decorated lunch would fix what he broke then he had another thing coming. Before he even sat down, Lee started talking.

"The last two weeks have been so hard. And I know I don't have any right to say that after what happened but that doesn't change how I feel. There are so many things I want to say and, we'll get to all that but, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm really glad you're here."

I stirred my soup and tried not to dwell on the awkwardness that filled the space between our once easy relationship.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say to that. The last two weeks have sucked for me too. Honest, I don't want to be here and I don't really want to hear what you have to say."

He busied himself with food to cover the hurt feelings. It wasn't the normal quiet we once shared, the kind that was comfortable and full of love, it was tense and sad. He tried to make small talk but, as it turned out, there weren't a lot of safe topics once you cheat on someone.

Lee wiped his face with his napkin then stacked his plates and pushed them away. He patiently waited for me to finish my lunch before clearing the table and refilling our waters. We sipped our drinks. I stared at the table and Lee stared at me.

"I'm sorry, Nash. I'm so fucking sorry."

"Me, too," I said.

"What can I do? Please tell me there's something I can do to save this," he pleaded.

"If you truly wanted to save this, you wouldn't have ruined it."

"I didn't want to! It was stupid and when I tried to break it off, he started blackmailing me."

"Yes, continuing a relationship with Paul because he's 'blackmailing' you makes more sense than coming to me and admitting your mistake."

"I'm not saying that," he panicked. "I—I wasn't sure how you'd react and I was terrified you'd leave me."

"I might have! But, if there was ever a chance at reconciliation, it would've come from the truth, which I didn't get from you. This wasn't a one-time fling, Lee. You cheated on me for years!"

Lee cried. It wasn't the ugly messy crying, it was the silent, stoic kind. He sat, unmoving, as the tears ran down his cheeks.

"Why?" I asked, silently.

"I don't know," he cried. "You and I started dating when we were so young. Paul paid attention to me. You were busy with everyone else—"

"No," I interrupted. "You don't get to blame me! If there was a problem then you should have come to me. How was I supposed to know you weren't happy when you only ever told me how happy you were? I can't fix what I don't know is broken," I shook my head in frustration. "I have always put you first! So, to sit here and listen to you blame me for your infidelity...no, I won't do it."

Lee grabbed my arm when I got up. "I'm sorry. You're right, Nash. You're always right. It's all my fault and I'm angry that I don't have a good excuse. I'm so terrified, Nash. I'm so scared you're going to leave me."

"You should be. Do you want to know why? Because I don't think you want to be with me."

"That's ridiculous!" he shouted. "Of course, I want to be with you."

"Do you?" I asked with a harsh undertone. "Because two years is a long time to carry on a meaningless fling. Heck, two years isn't a fling, it's a relationship! You've been in another relationship where you put him before me. I'm not the one who needs time to think about what I want, you do."

"I don't. I know I want you. I love you."

I could feel the anger rising at his lies and excuses. "You don't, though! I refuse to believe it because if you did, you wouldn't have cheated on me for as long as you did. That's not love, Lee."

Lee cried into his hands.

I was no longer looking at the man I'd known and loved for half my life. I was looking at a stranger. There was a part of me that wanted to find a way to make the future work but no matter how I laid the pieces, staying together didn't seem possible. To make it work, I'd have to give up a part of who I was and I couldn't do that. Not for Lee, not for anyone.

"I think we need to let the lawyers handle things from here on out."

Lee looked at me in shock and shook his head. "No, please no, not yet," he begged. "Please, Nash. I'm not asking you to stay, I'm just asking that we give it a little more time. Six months. Can we keep everything the same for six months and then we can make the decision? I know you hate me so much right now and, maybe that won't change, but I don't want to rush into a divorce if there's even the slightest chance we can make it work."

I thought about it. I didn't see a future, but was I ready to walk away from everything we'd built together? Six months seemed reasonable and when the time was up, I'd have no regret about the decision we made.

"Okay. Six months."

"Really?"

"Yes," I nodded. "But we need to straighten some things out."

"Okay. Whatever you want."

"Finances. We need to have a plan." If there's one thing I had learned from Lee's work cases over the years was how sensitive finances were. It seemed like money always ruined the best-laid plans. "Do you want to split it and open separate accounts? I don't want to wake up one day to an empty account. And I want to purchase tickets and make deposits on the Thailand trip but I don't want to do it behind your back."

"Oh," Lee pursed his lips in thought. It almost looked like he hadn't thought about that part which was surprising given his profession as a lawyer. "Do you think your expenses are going to change? Are you paying rent or anything?"

Did I expect my expenses to change? My life was heading toward divorce, of course I expected my expenses to change. "I'm not paying rent and probably won't for a while, but I have no clue what the future holds."

Like my husband having a secret lover.

"We should keep things the way they are. Let's agree to not do anything financially drastic for the six months."

"Do you think that's realistic? I mean, what if one of us gets petty?"

"It's a risk we'll have to take. If we start splitting our accounts now then we're practically setting things in motion and I really don't want that. You don't trust me, I get that, but I trust you and I know you wouldn't screw me over."

"And if I do?" I asked.

"Then I'll take my punishment."

"Okay," I said, skeptically. I wondered if I should slowly start moving money, not to screw Lee over but to protect myself in case he went off the deep end. In the end, I knew the lawyer in Lee wouldn't do something so rash and crazy.

"So, I'm going to go ahead and buy my tickets."

"Yeah, whatever you want. You can do whatever you want. I'm not going to tell you no."

"Okay, I guess we'll keep things the same until a final decision is reached?"

Lee nodded and I got up to leave. "A few more things," Lee said. "I'd like to see you once a week. Coffee, lunch, whatever. And I'd like for us to go to counseling."

"Lee..."

"C'mon Nash. You know how important counseling is. Even if things don't work out, the benefits outweigh everything else. Six months, Nash. Let's make an effort.

"Not divorcing you tomorrow is me making an effort." He pleaded and I caved. "Anything else?"

"I know it's a lot to ask but can we keep this to ourselves? I don't want to deal with the court of public opinion while we try to sort things out between us."

I sighed. I felt like that was a really unfair request but I didn't feel like arguing. "I'll try."

I left Lee's feeling frustrated. I didn't want to wait six months, I didn't want to go to counseling with him, I didn't want to work on things, but I didn't want to make a rash decision either. Lee knew that as a counselor, I wouldn't deny a request to see a professional. He was manipulating me. The only one of us getting what they wanted was Lee. He got to cheat on me and now I was accommodating him. Did he even realize what he was doing? Did that even matter?

Trying to leave your husband isn't for the faint of heart. There was no manual of right decisions. The hurt was deep but the hope was too, even if it was nothing but a desert mirage.

Meeting with Lee had been too much and I couldn't take it. When I got back to the cottage I laid in bed and cried. It felt like I lost everything. My husband, my house, my life, my security, and my sanity.