Tied Up in Knotts Ch. 07

"Nash."

My heart was racing. I wanted to yell at him and tell everyone at the table what a terrible person he was. I also wanted to take the high road. I was torn. No matter what, I had to advocate for myself.

"Clearly I'm not doing nothing. Last year during my review, one of the things you, as committee, wanted to see me improve upon was delegating tasks. With that said, Paul is partially right, I have been off my game. I don't think I've neglected things the way he's described, but I have been delegating more and more to other people so I had more time to deal with some—personal matters." I shifted in my seat as I prepared myself to continue. "Last month when I was supposed to speak at the College Summit, I found out Lee was cheating on me."

Instantly the room was filled with concern, surprise, and anger. It was a little chaotic as everyone asked questions. It wasn't until Paul's wife Shayla spoke that everyone quieted down.

"Nash. I'm so sorry to hear this. I think I can speak for everyone when I say I'm shocked. How are you guys doing?"

"Not well."

She frowned. "Have you discussed counseling?"

"We're in counseling right now. Unfortunately, I don't think it's going to help in the long run. I think this is the end of our marriage."

"You sure?" She asked, not rudely, just sad.

I looked at Paul for a long second, then back at the room. "The affair lasted for several years. So, yeah, it's pretty over for me."

"Shit," she said. "Given the situation, I'm surprised you're even here. You should be focusing on her mental health and wellbeing."

"Do you know who the other guy was?" Cindy asked, then backtracked when she realized how rude and insensitive the question was. I think her intention was to gauge how deep the pain ran. Was it someone I knew? A total stranger? What kind of support was I going to need?

Little did she know....

I looked at Paul and, if looks could kill, I'd have been a fully decomposed body.

But here's the thing about sleeping with another person's husband, it tips the scales of mercy and forgiveness in your favor exactly none. He slept with my husband behind my back. I owed him no favors, no mercy, no leniency. If it wasn't for Shayla, I would have already shouted his name for the whole room to hear.

"Yes, I do know him. But I feel that person should have the chance to come clean on their own. He has a family to consider and I'd rather the truth come from him and not me."

Everyone seemed to respect my decision, even if there was a bit of selfish disappointment in the air. They agreed and hoped that whoever it was would do the right thing and tell his family. Paul continued to glare at me. I don't think he appreciated being called out like that in front of his family.

As much as I wanted to expose Paul, I was satisfied with how I handled the situation. For Shayla's sake, I really did want Paul to be the one to tell her. I liked her, she was always kind and generous. I wanted her devastation to be as minimal as possible.

I wished I had been given the same courtesy.

As it turns out, Paul mistook my compassion for more than what it was. Maybe he'd been talking to Lee and thought I was going to keep my mouth shut, maybe he thought he was safe. All I know is that he took every chance to belittle me and undermine my authority. After a half dozen disrespectful comments that I tried to ignore, his dad snapped.

"Paul! What has gotten into you?"

"Me?" he looked shocked. "What about you guys? No one seems to care that Nash's personal life is falling apart and he's no longer fit to hold this job. Is everyone going to pretend like this isn't a big deal? It's blindingly obvious that he needs to step down. How's he supposed to lead the community when his own husband doesn't want to be with him?"

That started an uproar. Everyone had something to say. The crazy part was; Paul had a point. How could my personal life not affect my work? I should have taken time off work. I knew it, they knew it, everyone knew it.

"Actually," I said. "I agree with Paul. I should have taken personal leave while I sorted this stuff out. It's not fair to anyone that I'm working while going through this. Nobody wins."

"I think personal leave is warranted in this case and we will absolutely support you in whatever way you need. Maybe we could lessen your workload to part-time?"

Dennis shook his head. "This is bigger than a reduction in hours. He should be able to fully focus on his personal life."

There was an agreement that I should take time off but disagreement as to what that would look like. The conversation continued, including Paul and his snide comments. I didn't know who Wayne would punch first, Paul or the rest of the committee. Besides Dennis' initial outburst, no one was correcting his behavior. The more I sat and listened, the more I realized how unhealthy the group had become. Even if they didn't know that Paul was rotten, he was behaving worse than the most entitled kids I've ever worked with and no one was doing anything about it.

"Nash," Dennis addressed me directly. "What do you want to do? Would you like to take time off? Go to half time for a while? This isn't a decision we should make without your input and you've been awfully quiet."

"Excuse me," Paul interrupted. "I don't think Nash should decide. His judgment is clearly impaired."

"What? Are you going to quit your job and take over?" His dad asked, clearly annoyed with his son.

"Maybe I should."

"That's a no for me dawg," Wayne laughed. "Considering you're the reason we're having this conversation in the first place. Honestly, I've been trying to respect Nash but, at this point, I don't care anymore."

The table looked between Wayne, Paul, and me as they tried to figure out what was going on. Strangely, Paul having sex with a man wasn't their natural conclusion. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This was it. Whatever privacy I had was no longer my own.

"What's going on?" his mom asked.

Wayne, calm as ever, rested his hands on the table. "To be frank, Paul was the one sleeping with Lee. I'm sorry this is how you had to find out, but it seems Paul lost his self-preservation a while ago. His disrespect has reached concerning levels. There's a lot to discuss here but Paul lost his input two years ago when he stepped out of his marriage and into Nash's. Then to sit here and treat Nash the way he has? Nope," he shook his head. No way, no how.

Wayne spoke with the grace and elegance you achieve after years of dealing with conflict. He was so versed in this crap you could hardly tell how pissed he was.

I glanced at Shayla. She was looking at Paul like he was a total stranger. Yet, I could see the truth, Wayne had confirmed something she'd known for a while. Maybe Paul hadn't hidden his lies as well as he thought.

His mom was the first to break the silence when she sobbed into her hands. That was Shayla's cue. She stood and walked out of the house without a word. She just straight up left. I felt that deep in my soul. How horrible it is to deal with something like this in front of people. That's exactly what I wanted to save her from.

"Is that true?" His dad asked Paul, looking at his son like the world was falling apart. Paul sat there stoned faced and indifferent. If his father's kitchen table was the court of law then he was pleading the fifth. "Are you going to say anything? This is serious, Paul!"

Paul knew he was in trouble and had dug his heels in the sand. No one could force him to say anything. It was almost like he thought that, if he didn't say anything, it would all go away.

"I don't know what to do," his mom whimpered. "We could have Paul do something that doesn't involve working with Nash directly."

Everyone seemed to consider that as an option. It was almost as if having Paul removed from the group was not an option. I was baffled. How was this happening? I truly respected these people but if they weren't going to hold Paul accountable then who would?

I loved my job, I loved the kids I worked with, I loved the community that surrounded me, but I no longer felt supported by the people who were supposed to be there for me. With all the toxic stuff happening in my life I couldn't afford to have it roll into work more than it already had.

"I have a solution," I said, breaking the pointless discussion. "I'll resign."

"What?" They said in unison.

"I think it's best if I step down from my post and remove myself from the situation. What's happening right now is no longer healthy. We're supposed to live above reproach. It's not just the youth that look at me—at us, to see how to live; it's everyone. In today's culture of 'anything goes', we're the exception. When one of us is having an extramarital affair and the rest of the group doesn't see that as a reason for dismissal, it's no longer a group I want to be a part of. By not picking a side, you've chosen Paul. Even before tonight, no one reached out to me when Paul was spreading lies about me. You admitted that everything Paul said was out of character for me, yet no one called to see if there was truth behind his words or, at minimum, a reason why. I can't do it anymore, not when everything else in my life is falling apart."

A responsible person would've stayed but I couldn't. I got up and walked out, just as Shayla had done a few minutes earlier.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and found Penn's number. I sent him a pin with my location and a text that said 'come get me, now'.

A few minutes later I saw his black truck in the distance. I got in without saying a word. Penn flipped a u-ey and drove off. We were halfway through town before he asked me what was going on.

"Do I get to know why I rushed across town to find you walking down the street alone?" His face held nothing but concern. Penn didn't care about anything except my wellbeing. A far cry from what I experienced earlier. Seeing that concern and care made everything a little better. How one person could cancel out all the negative in life baffled me.

He gave me a hurry up and answer look but then noticed I was watching him. His face flushed and his concerned frown turned into a dimpled smile.

"I quit."

Penn's head snapped in my direction. He didn't believe me. "C'mon," he scoffed. "What really happened."

"I'm serious. I quit and then I left."

"That's all I get? You quit then walked out?"

I sighed and leaned against the headrest before telling him everything that had happened. By the time I recalled everything, we were outside the cottage. I thought I'd feel better but I didn't, I felt worse. I lost my marriage, my house, and now my job because of him. Because of them.

Penn parked in the driveway and leaned his back to the door. I don't know what it was about him but there was something in the way he looked at me, like he wholeheartedly understood my pain. Like he knew how much I didn't want to leave my job and how desperately I would miss the kids. I didn't have to explain any of it to him, he knew. It was his understanding and compassion that made my stomach sink.

"Oh God, did I make a mistake?" I groaned, flopping my forehead against the dash.

"Of course not. Why would you think that?"

"I'm single, mooching off my friends, and then I quit my job?! A job I love. What was I thinking?"

Penn got out of the truck, walked around to my side, and opened the door. "Come here." He pulled me out of the truck and into his embrace. "You've spent your entire adult life catering to everyone else. You're one of the most selfless people I've ever met. You've influenced more people than you'll ever know. It's time to focus on you. It's okay to stop and say 'hey, my life is total shit and I don't have the capacity to give to anyone right now'. There's a reason the flight attendant tells you to take the oxygen mask for yourself before helping those around you. If you're dead, you're no use to anyone. Did you make the wrong choice? Not at all. If you quit, I fully trust the why behind it. Don't start questioning yourself now. I know I'm not."

I wrapped my arms around his waist and took a minute to cry into his neck. Eventually I pulled away. I sat in the passenger's seat with my feet hanging out the door and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. "I know it's the right choice but I can't help but feel like I abandoned ship. Years of investing in these kids, this community, and I'm just walking away without a word? What kind of person does that make me?"

"There's a whole team of people who love those kids just as much as you do. You're not leaving a box of kids on the side of the road. You're amazing at what you do but you're not the only person who can do it. There's nothing wrong with letting other people step up once in a while."

He had a point even if his point was a bruise to my ego because sometimes it felt like I was the only one who could do my job even if I wasn't. "Okay," I conceded. "But I have an appointment next week with a lawyer to start the divorce filings. No job means no money. How am I supposed to pay for her? What am I supposed to do with no money?"

"What?" he said, his eyes wide with shock. "You're filing for divorce? Why didn't you tell me? What about the six-month bullshit?"

Penn was too cute when he was emotional. "I'm not required to tell you everything." It was a joke. I meant it as a joke.

Penn did not take it as a joke. The second I saw the way I hurt him, I regretted my words. I opened my mouth to apologize when Wayne's small SUV came bombing up the driveway. When I turned back, it was too late, Penn had stormed off. I was going to yell but Wayne burst out of his car.

"Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do," Wayne said as he shut the door behind him.

Torn between obligations, I walked into the house and threw myself on the couch. Wayne removed his jacket and joined me. "That was quite the show you put on. If you wanted to get their attention, it worked."

"That wasn't what I was going for," I said, feeling defensive and frustrated. I glanced out the window but Penn was nowhere in sight.

"Calm down cowboy. I was just giving you a hard time since you dropped a bomb and left me to pick up the pieces. How are you feeling about everything?"

"I don't know. I haven't had time to think about it."

Wayne stretched out. "You think you're really gonna do it?"

"I don't know," I sighed. "I don't want to quit but do you seriously think it's a good idea to stay on?"

"No, not at all. Not with the way everything's falling apart."

"What should I do?" I asked.

"Let's start by taking a year off? You have a great group of volunteers. I don't think we'll have a problem transitioning. I'm sure Terri and Mark will step up and lead the area. That will give us time to breathe some new life into this committee and it gives you time to do whatever the fuck you need to do for yourself."

I thought about it. It gave me hope that I might not have to walk away completely, that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Everything was changing so fast and it was hard to keep up. Less than six weeks ago I was 'theoretically' a happily married man. Now I was getting ready to file for divorce, living alone, and newly unemployed.

Direction I never expected my life to take' for two-hundred, Alex.

Maybe it was a good idea or maybe I was desperate to hold on to normal, either way, I was considering it. "Yeah. I could take a year. I'll probably need it anyway. But I'm telling you right now, I'll never go back if Paul is still there. That's the biggest bunch of bullshit."

"Paul won't be there, promise." Wayne unbuttoned his cuffs and rolled his sleeves up. "We still have a lot to discuss. You have to have a proper exit. The earth ain't flat, you can't just fall off. You'll regret not wrapping up loose ends and saying goodbye. We'll work it out, but right now, I can tell you need a break."

"Have I ever told you I love you?" I said, so thankful for the break.

"No, but you can show me how much you love me by making me some tea."

"I don't love you that much," I said but I got off the couch and fetched the man his tea. He'd been good to me, it was the least I could do for someone who had my back.

We sat in the living room; drinking tea and talking about everything and nothing. Despite the conversation, my mind wasn't far from Lee, Paul, and committee, from my job and what the next few weeks would hold.

We were finishing up a light dinner when the front door opened. Not many people barged into the cottage so the short list was pretty easy. Ryan looked happy and carefree because I don't think anything got the guy down.

"Watch broken?" he asked. "You're late and everyone's waiting for you."

"I'm sorry," I said, feeling bad that I'd completely forgotten about game night. "I'm actually going to pass on tonight. I should've said something, sorry." I gestured at Wayne, "I have company"

"But you're the Game Master."

Wayne looked at me and grinned. "Yeah, but you're the Game Master," he mocked. Wayne wasn't going to let me mope. I knew at that moment that I was going to attend Sunday night with a man who would surely find a way to embarrass the crap out of me. I didn't have the energy to argue a losing fight so I got up and changed my shirt. Ryan and Wayne looked far too happy when I came back.

Ryan held the door open. I caught his eye on the way out and knew this was his way of making sure I actually went. If he didn't watch me leave the cottage, he knew there'd be a real chance I'd squirm my way out.

"You're very loved," Wayne said as we walked to the main house. "They're exactly what you need right now. You're fucking blessed, Nash. Fucking blessed."

"They're great," I agreed. "They just don't know how great they are."

"Why's that?"

"Well," I hesitated. "I haven't exactly told them about Lee and I splitting." Wayne didn't even pause before whacking me upside the head.

"Are they idiots?" He asked. "They know you're living in that tiny home, right?"

"I mean, yeah, I assume. We haven't exactly talked about it though."

"I fully understand not wanting to shout your business from the mountain top but at some point you have to deal with this. Step one is talking about it. You need a support team and from everything you've told me, these people are a prayer answered. You're disrespecting yourself and them by not letting them in. You will tell them tonight."

I knew he was right and I wanted to tell them, I just hadn't found the right time where I wasn't feeling like a total failure.

Ryan had long since left us so I led Wayne through the garage and into the kitchen where everyone was waiting for us.

"They sure are huggers, aren't they?" Wayne asked after everyone finished bombarding us.

"Yes. Just wait 'til they find out about Lee. It'll be a damn dogpile."

"Can't wait," he chuckled.

We grabbed food then made our way to the table. Penn was doing a pretty decent job of ignoring me. He managed to stay on the opposite side of the room and avoided all eye contact. I wasn't the only one who noticed. I could tell the others were trying to figure out what was going on.

I wanted to apologize to Penn about my remark earlier but, when Penn didn't want to be approached, there wasn't much you could do about it. He couldn't run forever. I figured if he forced me into a friendship then I could do the same. He wouldn't be leaving tonight without a face-to-face.

"So, Nash, why are you the hubs fighting?" Ryan asked. He had this arrogant smirk on his face and it was wildly out of place given the delicate nature of the questions. I had to wonder if he knew something, why else would he call me out in front of everyone?