Tinky Winky

Uncle Kevin's cross. He's cross with me and he's cross with Mummy and baby Gemma. Most of all, he's cross with Tinky Winky. I get frightened when Uncle Kevin is cross. He shouts and says nasty words, the kind of words that Mummy says I mustn't use. But Mummy never stops Uncle Kevin from saying those words.

I've lost Tinky Winky. He's my favourite toy. He's the only Teletubby I've got. I never let anyone else play with him. At night, when I'm frightened, I go to sleep with him next to me on my pillow. Daddy gave him to me when I was little. I still remember Daddy a bit. We used to go to the park every day, after Daddy came home from work. We used to play together a lot. He used to lift me onto his shoulders and I used to hold on to his hair and scream because I was frightened.

Now I feel frightened all the time, but it's a different kind of frightened. It's like I've got tummy ache all the time, and I want to go to the toilet. When I was on Daddy's shoulders, it was a laughing sort of frightened, like I knew I was safe even when I was screaming.

One day Daddy went away. Mummy is very sad about that. She says that he has gone to heaven to be with baby Jesus. She says that baby Jesus loves him so much that he wants him all for himself. I think that he is very mean to keep my Daddy to himself.

I wonder if Daddy puts baby Jesus on his shoulders and makes him scream like he made me. I like talking about Daddy and all the games we used to play. Mummy gets sad when we talk about that and she wants to cry, so I try not to talk about it so much now.

I try to cuddle Mummy when she cries, but my arms won't go all the way round her like her arms go round me when she cuddles me. Then, when I'm on my own in bed, I cuddle Tinky Winky because he's crying, too. Tinky Winky misses Daddy just as much as I do.

One day, after Daddy went, Mummy met Uncle Kevin. Mummy smiled and laughed a lot then and we were all happy again. Uncle Kevin was really nice when Mummy met him. He used to give me sweets and he gave Mummy flowers. He said Mummy was his princess.

Sometimes he stayed the night. I didn't like that because it meant I couldn't creep into Mummy's bed in the night, like before. Mummy said she loved him, just like she used to love Daddy. I was sad, then, because I thought Mummy only loved Daddy and me and baby Gemma.

Uncle Kevin came to live in our house. At first he was nice, but then he became horrid. When Mummy's not there, he tells me that I am something beginning with B. He says he hates me and baby Gemma, but because Mummy loves us, he will let us stay, otherwise he would throw us into the canal. He says he will get rid of us one day, anyway.

I get frightened when Uncle Kevin shouts. I ask Mummy what that word beginning with B is, but she says it is a bad word and I mustn't use it, ever. She doesn't stop Uncle Kevin using it, though.

Sometimes, he and Mummy have arguments. I sit on the stairs in my pyjamas with Tinky Winky and we listen to them. Mummy says he is drunk, and he shouts at her, and calls her all sorts of things. At first he just used to shout. Now, though, he hurts Mummy. Even when he hits her, she tells me afterwards that she won't complain because Uncle Kevin says he loves her and he won't do it again. She says that deep down, he is really nice, but he has had a bad time, and he needs her to love him.

I am really frightened when Uncle Kevin hurts Mummy. She cries and I want to put my arm round her and cuddle her, but Uncle Kevin shouts that I am that word beginning with B and he will hurt me if I don't go back to bed. I cuddle Tinky Winky in bed. Tinky Winky and I talk about how Uncle Kevin hates us and Mummy and baby Gemma.

Uncle Kevin hurts Mummy lots of times now, much more than before. Mummy has to go to hospital sometimes, and Uncle Kevin tells her that if she tells the doctors about him, then he will hurt baby Gemma and me, and he won't just hurt us. He smiles at Mummy, and her face goes all white. It's not a nice smile, like when Mummy smiles at me when she tucks me up in bed and tells me she loves me. It's more like a smile of someone who is thinking something really nasty when he is trying to smile, like the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood. I know that story, because Daddy used to read it to me.

At night when we are hiding in our bed, and we are trying not to listen to Uncle Kevin shouting at Mummy, Tinky Winky and I try to think of all the stories that Daddy read to us.

Mummy tells Uncle Kevin that if he does anything to us, then she will kill him. He just laughs and says some more nasty things to her, but when she gets to hospital she never tells the doctors why she is hurt. They tell her that the ribs will heal and she must get some rest. I think she has been to hospital lots of times now, because she says the nurses all know her, but she never tells them how she got hurt.

Mummy tells Uncle Kevin that she will leave him, but he says that she never will because he is always at home, and he will always keep one of the children with him when she goes out to the shops. He's un-em-ployed now, so he never goes to work like he used to and like Daddy used to.

At least now he doesn't get drunk so often. Mummy says it's because we don't have very much money. Tinky Winky and I don't play downstairs any more, because Uncle Kevin sometimes tries to kick us if we are playing near the telly. We play in my room instead.

He never gives Mummy any money, except to go shopping, and she always has to give him the change and the receipts too. Uncle Kevin tells Mummy that if she is good and does what he wants, then he won't hurt baby Gemma and me, but if she is naughty then he will hurt us a lot. Mummy smiles at him and tells him that she will always do what he wants. She says she doesn't know why he is so horrid to her, because she loves him and she tries to do everything that he wants. It's not a real smile, though. It's a sort of quick smile, like she's trying to please him. I try to smile like that sometimes, so Uncle Kevin won't be cross with me. Mostly, though I try to make myself really small so he doesn't see me.

But he hurts Mummy anyway. I find her sitting on the stairs, crying. She's got lots of bruises nowadays. I put my arms around her sometimes to cuddle her, but she still cries. I wish I could stop her from crying. I must be getting bigger, because I can nearly reach all the way round her now with my arms, not like before.

"You're a real man, aren't you, Jason," she says. "I wish I could take care of you properly."

I don't think I'm a real man yet, because I can't stop Uncle Kevin from hurting her, but I wish I was. I'd hit Uncle Kevin then, and kick him, and make him go away.

Mummy doesn't smile much any more, and she cries nearly all the time. It's a sort of quiet crying, like she doesn't want anyone to hear her. She used to look really pretty, like a pop star, but she is sad all the time now. She used to brush her hair every day, and it would sparkle and shine, like a real princess, but she doesn't brush it any more.

Tinky Winky and I love looking at photos of Mummy and Daddy together, but I have to keep it secret because Uncle Kevin gets cross if he catches us. He hates those pictures.

Today Uncle Kevin says that we are all going to his Mummy's house for the weekend. He says we all have to behave and be good and say that he's nice to us, or he will hurt Mummy again. He knows that I hate it when he hurts Mummy, so I try to be good. I can be really mousy quiet when he's around. Tinky Winky and I make ourselves really small and quiet so that nobody can see us.

Today we were on a train. It was exciting. We sat together in a carriage by the window and we watched the count-ry-side going by. We haven't been away from home since Daddy went away to be with Jesus.

I can see lots of cows and sheep in the fields from the window, and I show them all to Tinky Winky. He likes the count-ry-side. I have to tell him very quietly about the cows because I don't want Uncle Kevin to get cross. I make a moo sound like a cow, and Tinky Winky thinks that's funny.

When we get to the station, Uncle Kevin picks up his jacket and takes the big suitcase and tells me to go in front of him. I think that's when I leave Tinky Winky on the train by mistake. Mummy comes behind us, carrying baby Gemma and all the little bags. Baby Gemma is not really a baby any more, but she is not very good at walking yet, so Mummy has to carry her off the train.

When we are on the platform I can't find Tinky Winky. I want to be good, but I want Tinky Winky, and I start crying.

Uncle Kevin shouts at me, but Mummy says Tinky Winky must still be on the train.

She tells Uncle Kevin to look for him. "For god's sake, Kevin, I've got Gemma on my arm, I can't go back on. You've got time before the train leaves. Jason loves that toy. We'll never have any peace if he doesn't get it back. Here, I'll hold your jacket."

Uncle Kevin is cross, and I wish Mummy didn't tell him about Tinky Winky because I am frightened. My tummy hurts like I want to go to the toilet, and I know he's going to hurt us all when he gets back. But, after shouting at Mummy, he goes on the train to look for Tinky Winky. Mummy is pointing through the window to show him where he is. I don't really want Uncle Kevin to find him, because I am afraid he will kick him just like he kicks Mummy, so I start to cry again.

Mummy shouts at Kevin, "It's got to be there. It must be on the floor or somewhere."

A whistle blows and the train starts to go with Uncle Kevin on it. He is shouting from the train. He can open the window, but he can't open the door because the train is moving. I have never seen him so cross. His face is bright red and he punches and kicks the door, and shouts lots of bad words at Mummy and calls her lots of names.

He shouts at Mummy to wait with me and baby Gemma on the platform. Then he will get out at the next station and come back for us. Everybody on the platform is looking at us.

It's really quiet now that the train's gone with Uncle Kevin. Mummy is laughing and smiling and crying all at the same time. She makes us all run out of the station with the suitcase and all the little bags, and get into a taxi. I've never been in a taxi before.

Mummy says to the driver, "Take us to the Women's Refuge. Here's the address, and here's ten pounds if you can forget you ever saw us." I don't understand how somebody can forget he saw us.

Mummy gets the money out of Uncle Kevin's jacket pocket. That's stealing, but I don't want to tell her, because she's so happy now. I am glad Mummy's happy, but I'm still crying because Tinky Winky's on the train with Uncle Kevin. I know when he finds Tinky Winky he will throw him out of the window.

Now Mummy opens her bag, and she gives me Tinky Winky. I don't understand how she had him all the time when she told Uncle Kevin he was on the train. I think she told him a lie. That's naughty, but Mummy's so happy I won't tell her.

Mummy says we are all going to be happy now: Mummy and baby Gemma and Tinky Winky and me.

***

I once saw this happen - a man had gone back onto a train to search for a child's toy and the train departed with him on it and his family on the platform. He was furious, kicking the door and shouting. I then made up the story, but decided to tell it from the child's POV.