Tomorrow is Promised Pt. 01

Department of Defense Directive (DoDD) 1304.26 was issued just before Christmas, the so-called "Don't ask, don't tell" directive. DoDD 1304.26 would go into effect on February 28, 1994. The Clinton administration made a compromise directive since the Joint Chiefs were still adamantly against homosexuals in the military. They could still be thrown out if found engaging in proscribed activities. Still, they couldn't be asked about their sexual orientation. They couldn't be investigated as long as they didn't participate in proscribed activities. It was better than nothing, but at least a step in the right direction. The gears ground slowly but eventually got there. It sure would have been nice to have had that while I was in the Air Force. It wouldn't have helped me in my situation since I was actively a lesbian. I knew some of the airmen who had been entrapped and thrown out. They would have been able to stay in and serve rather than be forced to leave, many under shameful circumstances.

We went to Midnight mass at St. Anthony. I told Matthew and Mark I had planned to go, and they asked if they could go with me. I know Bonnie hadn't been especially religious and hadn't taken her boys to church. She had never disparaged religion and wouldn't have dissuaded the boys from going if they wanted to. My heart swelled with happiness when they asked. I coached them on when to stand, sit, kneel, and how to behave during the mass. I think they were intrigued by the ritual and did everything correctly. When we got home, we sat and discussed what we had done. I assured them that it was their decision whether they wanted to do it regularly.

Christmas was a more upbeat event this year. We all thought about Bonnie. We were all starting to move on with our lives, except maybe for Grace. I knew she was a bit down and couldn't blame her. No mother should outlive their children, especially if they'd only had one child. I'm glad she has Kathy to help her through this.

Matthew had introduced me to his girlfriend, Lucy, just after Thanksgiving. I didn't ask Matthew if he had told her about my and Grace's sexual orientation. I figured Matthew would drop her like a hot potato if she had a problem with it. I told Matthew that he could invite her over for Christmas dinner if he wanted to.

Lucy was a real pleasure. She carried the conversation, at all times looking adoringly at Matthew. Matthew was looking back just as adoringly. It was so cute. I knew from experience that this would probably not last, but I wouldn't spoil their enjoyment of the moment. Lucy seemed okay with Grace and Kathy, and they were being discreet so they wouldn't upset her.

March 1994

As I had surmised at Christmas, Matthew and Lucy were no longer together. They parted on good terms. They had drifted apart. Once the initial glow of love had worn off, they could look at each other more rationally and realized that they didn't have enough in common to make it in the long run. I'm glad my sexual orientation hadn't been an issue. Lucy had once told Matthew she thought it was cool that I was a lesbian.

So far, I've had no luck finding someone to replace Bonnie. While I have had fun being with Lori for the last six months, there wasn't anything other than we enjoyed going out and having sex. The spark of love just wasn't there. She wasn't into Matthew and Mark like I'd hoped she'd be. I tried to include them in our activities. However, she always managed to wiggle out of it by either suddenly being unavailable or arranging something that would have prevented them from participating. That was a deal-breaker, and now I fully understood what Bonnie was saying and feeling when we first got together. Thank God I had made that effort to include Matthew and Mark in our relationship right from the start.

***

Well, I finally bit the bullet and told Lori I wouldn't be seeing her anymore. I told her we had no future together if she wasn't interested in including Matthew and Mark in our relationship. I thanked her for the fun times we had. She didn't take it badly at all. I think she was relieved I had taken the initiative so she wouldn't have to be the one to do it. At least we parted on good terms so our work relationship wouldn't suffer. I wasn't going to be there much longer anyway. After this semester, I would have graduated and would be looking for a new job.

I sat down and talked about it with Matthew and Mark. I told them Lori hadn't been interested in getting to know them. I said we were a family and that we were a package deal. While they were okay with me finding another person to love, I insisted that it would always be on the condition that Matthew and Mark would be a part of the equation. They were okay with it and said they wouldn't want it any other way. I hugged them and told them how much I loved them and that I was glad they understood.

With that taken care of, I reassessed where I was. I still haven't had any luck finding someone to take Bonnie's place. I thought back to Alex. I knew we had been in love with each other. While I had suppressed that love and hardly ever thought of her while with Bonnie, I never really stopped loving her. Even though we had reconciled to the point that we could be civil towards each other, I wondered why I had never heard from her after we had met five years ago. I knew Bonnie had been pleased to meet her and even said she could understand why we had a relationship. It suddenly occurred to me that she had, in fact, approved of Alex.

The memory came flooding in ...

Bonnie grabbed my hand, leaned onto my shoulder, and said, "I like Alex. I'm glad I got to meet her. I can see why you two got together. I know that if I was still unattached, I'd make a play for her," she finished, giving my hand a quick squeeze.

"I'm glad you like her. She's a dear friend. Thank you for accepting her as a part of my life," I said, squeezing Bonnie's hand back.

As I recalled that memory, I suddenly realized what I had done. "Oh, my god," I thought, "I can't believe how stupid I was."

I had broken it off with Alex because I was concerned about how our relationship would have affected my career. I had walked out on her. It had been the hardest thing I had done up to that point in my life. So what did I do? I entered into a committed relationship with Bonnie four years later. Then when Alex wanted to meet with me, I insisted on bringing Bonnie along.

"I'll bet Alex thought I was flaunting our relationship in her face, that she hadn't been good enough for me, but Bonnie was," I surmised. "God, no wonder I never heard from her again."

Over the next week, I checked around, calling some of my old contacts, and discovered that Alex had worked on an assignment to HQ AFMC at WPAFB. By this time, I had worked myself up thinking about Alex. All of the old feelings I had had for her came flooding back. So it was with some trepidation that I called the base operator and asked to be connected to Major Alexis Summers. The operator said, "One moment," followed by some clicks, clacks, and buzzes as connections were made.

Then I heard the phone ring. It rang twice before it was picked up. My heart clenched as that unforgettable sultry voice asked, "Hello?"

"Alex? This is Virginia. Can we talk?"

To be continued ...