All Comments on 'Traipse Ch. 01'

Okay, so while the majority of the writing was well-done (sentence structure, spelling, plot), you have a tendency to flip between past and present tense, which is a bit distracting, and you also made a rather drastically-misleading statement towards the beginning of page 1.

"A few minutes went by before I felt the gentle pulling of the FTL relay, then I knew I was in space. In reality, I knew I was hurdling through time and space at thousands of miles per minute, but I was far too distracted with my own thoughts to dwell on it."

If you're going to write scifi that includes FTL, then please, for the love of all that is sane, be accurate about the stuff we know.

As a fan of scifi and imagination in general, I celebrate authors who come up with new and interesting worlds to place their stories within.

But the speed of light is *rounded* to "186,000 miles/second". According to Wolfram|Alpha, the exact value is "186,282 mi/s (miles per second)". That's 11,176,920 miles/minute.

Traveling at FTL speeds and expressing it as "thousands of miles per minute", is like saying the temperature of the core of the sun is "thousands of times the temperature of Death Valley", or an atomic bomb releases energy equivalent to "thousands of tons of TNT"

Sure, it isn't *technically* wrong, but there's a pretty big disconnect between the scale of the first thing and the scale of the second. It's so misleading that it leaves anyone who knows the context totally thrown for a loop, shaking their head in bewilderment, and heavily disrupts the immersion from the story because of how mentally jarring it is.

I love it...yes the flipping back and forth needs getting used to but hottt nevertheless..

The tag line alone is worth a star or two!

Thanks everyone for the comments thus far :). There are a few things I should say about it before I post anymore chapters. First off, this is a complete story that borders on 90K words. Originally, it began as a simple story that was written to prove to my wife that I could write erotica. Like most of my stuff, it turned into something longer than intended. Let me make this abundantly clear: this story is more fiction than science. I am a long time lover of minutia and scientific detail everywhere, but this story was intended for an audience of one; someone who wouldn't be interested in such details, trifling and fascinating alike. It was a lot of fun to write and was never meant to be a science fiction epic. Anyone looking for long, drawn out explanations of how things work will be sorely disappointed. This story focuses on character development, a decent yet somewhat weak plot and a fairly copious amount of sex. This is the only disclaimer I will write. As always, I am open to critique, but I will ignore any trolling comments. If there are any huge plot holes or horrendous inconsistencies, by all means, let me know. I also apologize for the constant back and forth; its meant to be written in the form of a diary entry, but the story as a whole doesn't go on like the first chapter. I simply do not have time to go back and change the entire story, since I have so many projects to work on, but of course I intend to edit it as best I can before I post them, assuming anyone is interested in the rest. Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate it. -SC

Very hot. I had to laugh though when he suggested helping her "move on." Trask, Trask, Trask... It's amazing how willing you are to help when it also means you get to screw your lovely cabin mate. Also, glad they have a huge shower for clean-up. The cum...oh my God...all that cum. :) Great first chapter and looking forward to more!

Really hope you continue this story I'd love to read more of this one.

OK, you've got my interest, but there was a bit of false advertising with CH 01. Yeah, it has "an okay plot", but I wouldn't characterize this chapter as having "lots of smut". Let's hope the smut levels pick up in the next chapters.

One small continuity error: For their dinner date, you said, "She was wearing the same outfit I first saw her in". When he first saw her, "She was wearing a cream white button up blouse with short sleeves and a dark skirt, white tights and black ballerina shoes", but when they began to get busy after dinner, you said, "I firmly re-positioned her to remind her who was doing the work, then brought my hand around her waist to stroke her smooth thighs through the black tights". She first appeared in white tights, not black ones, as you have her wearing later. (BTW "repositioned" is not hyphenated.)