Trials of Love Pt. 02

"Kay, that wasn't the only thing I was worried about. You were different over those months. We'd agreed that we would inform the world about our relationship, then suddenly you wanted to wait. Then he called, and it sounded like you'd had plans to meet up that evening. Let's be honest, even our lovemaking those last months was different, more frenzied, desperate, as though you needed to prove something. I convinced myself that you were overcompensating for being unfaithful."

"I just missed you so much. He'd made me doubt myself, and I needed you to fuck my doubts away." Her hand came up, and she let her fingertips trace the line of my chin under my beard. "I wasn't myself, I wasn't in control of my emotions," she whispered so softly I almost didn't hear her.

I continued, "Then for the first time that I can remember, you tried to suggest I would be happier if I didn't attend a reception with you. Well, I know why now, seeing Nigel propose to you sure explained that."

"I didn't mean it like that. I didn't know what he was going to do. It just seemed that the damn thing had been taken over by Nigel..." She felt me stiffen at that statement.

I snapped back, "Yeah that would have been fucking nice to have known that in advance. How do you think I felt, left standing outside like a pillock. That fucker Nigel didn't put me on the invite list, nor did Stephen."

I tried to calm down, but I failed miserably. My voice rose as I continued. "The three of you just pissed off after the concert. You knew I would be joining you backstage. I'd sent you a text which you'd replied to. Then what happens, I have to chase you halfway across Manhattan, and when I finally get in finally that nightclub, I'm just in time to hear him propose to you.

"He implied a great deal of intimacy with you," I almost shouted the last words. "I believe he said something like 'We are no longer just business colleagues, we are so much more.' What the fuck was I expected to think; that you'd been fucking him and now planned to marry the man -- I assume after you divorced me?"

"I'm so sorry, I can't imagine what that must have felt like. I'd just spotted you at the back of the room. Then Nigel ruined the evening and my life when he made his stupid declaration of love. By the time I'd recovered, you'd gone. I almost caught up with you outside the nightclub, then I made Stephen take me back the hotel, but you'd already left. I was shattered. I saw that you'd packed and left, passport and all."

" I still don't understand why Nigel was holding the fucking reception in the first place. As far as I knew, it was supposed to be hosted by the agency, backstage."

I could see tears streaming down her cheeks. Caroline went to console her but Kay waved her away and answered my question.

"It was because I'd told Nigel that there was no way I would be doing any recording sessions in our off time. He and Stephen came up with the idea that we record some of the concerts over the last month, then they could release the albums gradually. I'm surprised you didn't notice the mics all over the place. Nigel really wanted to hold a party to celebrate the end of the successful recording sessions. I didn't want to go to another party, so Stephen came up with the proposal that Diamond records sponsor the last night reception instead."

"So, it was Nigel who purposely dropped me from the guest list."

"No, no." She was frantic, "I got Stephen to explain to me why you weren't on the list. He said that our agency had given Nigel a list of the invited guests. You weren't on that list. why would you be, you were supposed to be one of the hosts. When the error was noted, one of Stephen's people contacted Nigel's personal assistant to add you. It seems that by then the list was more than full, and because the assistant didn't recognize your name, nor the importance of having you there, they ignored the request."

Why wouldn't they recognize my name I wondered. "Kay, did you see the list?"

"Yes, of course, I was asked to check it."

"And did you?"

"Yes."

"Was I on it?"

"I don't remember. I wasn't looking for your name, I was checking it to confirm that the special guests were on it. You know, people like the Mayor and his wife, the British Ambassador. I guess I just thought you would be on it so I didn't check."

"But you didn't check, did you? Because if you had, you'd have known I didn't get an invitation. Did you know about the venue change?" She nodded.

"At any time, did you think that it might be a good idea to let me know it was changed, or were you just hoping I wouldn't turn up, especially since I'd said I'd meet you backstage... or did you forget that, too."

"Christ no, it was nothing like that. It just seems that everyone from Stephen's side thought that someone else had checked that you were on the damn list and told you where it would be."

She gave me a sad look, "None of Nigel's people knew how important Peter Ryan is to me, you were just another name to them and they didn't recognize it. If you'd been on the list as one of your aliases and not as yourself then it would have been different. That damn assistant of Nigel's would have known who you were and wouldn't have ignored the request."

Cassie interrupted, "Aliases? Why, who is he?"

Kayla said softly, "Peter writes under several aliases. He writes as Marion Peters, Sylvia James and also Ryan James."

"Just an author!" Caroline snorted, remembering my earlier comment. "I've got at least six of your books."

"Christ, I've got a few, as well," Cassie exclaimed.

I managed to look embarrassed, but I was also a little bit pleased that they had read some of my books.

"Why don't you send both of them a full set of signed first editions," Kayla suggested. I agreed but felt we were getting off track and there were still lots questions I needed answers to.

"Okay, fine, the list was a fuck up, I can accept that. But then why did you leave without me? That still make no sense to me unless you did it on purpose. You knew I was at the concert, Christ; you had them shine a spot on my seat to check. We agreed to talk after the show, yet when I get backstage, you've gone. There is only I one conclusion I could draw; you didn't want me at the reception to hear your lover propose to you."

"That not true, I don't know what happened, it was all just so fast. One moment I was backstage, changing out of my performance dress. The next I was in the back of the limo taking us to the club. I tried to ask Stephen where you were, but he was on his phone."

"So at no point did you think about telling the driver that someone was missing and he should go back?" Kay's head dropped, and she gave the barest of shakes.

"Okay, let's come back to that later," I said. "The big question is, why did Nigel feel he was entitled to propose to you. Trust me, it's not something you do on a whim. He had to expect that you would say yes. Everything I saw and heard at that moment, told me he was convinced you loved him. He looked certain that you'd say yes; he had that confidence. He was doing it in public; he was that certain. That doesn't sound like your description of a few kisses and caresses. He'd heard words of love from you, I'm guessing. There's something you're not telling me."

Kay just sat there sobbing. After a few moments, it was fairly obvious she wasn't going to say anything more for a while. I was getting to the end of my tether so I got up and walked off down the dockside. I needed some time to calm down, or I was going to say something that would push my marriage well past any chance of recovery. Hell, I wasn't sure if it had already reached the point of no return.

I sat down on the same bench the Capitainerie, and I had used just yesterday and pondered my next move. Thanks to Caroline's meddling, the Nevermore was no longer my sanctuary. I wasn't going to be able to sail away again.

Something was very wrong in the House of Ryan. Kay was definitely hiding something from me. The only thing that made sense to me was that she'd had an affair with Nigel. Jesus, what a convoluted life we led. If Nigel wasn't aware that Kay was married, was it an affair from his side or just a beautiful romance leading towards marriage? It would have been an affair from her side, and certainly was from mine.

That didn't make sense either, as she'd said that he knew she was married, in which case, he'd been targeting a married woman, with all that implied. Christ my head hurt with all of these contradictory thoughts

A fair time later, most likely more than an hour, a hand touched my shoulder. I turned to look expecting to see Kay, but instead, it was Cassie.

"Can we talk," she asked? I gestured to the bench, and she sat beside me.

"Paul's taken Tom off to the bar down the street to get him out of the way, so that we girls could talk to your wife in private. He says you are seriously going to owe him big time for that.

"We've both been talking to her, oh, she's definitely been foolish, and let things get out of hand. She did a lot with him she shouldn't. Far more that she wants to admit to you. She's so scared that if she admits what she did you will never take her back. But she's adamant that, how do I put this for your delicate ears, she's never fucked him," she concluded with her customary Australian bluntness.

I looked at her in disbelief.

She shook her head, "It's true, she's not that good at lying. I can spot one from a mile away. She may be a tad economical with the truth."

Christ, a tad, I thought, it seemed as though our ideas of what a tad was, were somewhat different.

"But she can't lie her way out of a wet paper bag," Cassie continued. "She loves you and while she may have briefly fallen for his charms and played around a bit. I'm fairly sure she never went the final mile. She is so scared that regardless of all the circumstances, you'll leave her."

What circumstances, I thought? Either she had, or hadn't had an affair, and if she had, I wasn't sure I'd be able to forgive her. I'd need to decide what I was going to do if she had.

Cassie must have worked out what I'd been thinking. She held out a pair of small pill containers to show me. "I'm not going to make excuses for her, but I'm a nurse, and I recognize these as fertility enhancing drugs."

What, why would she be taking fertility drugs? Then a second thought, what did it matter if she was taking them, it didn't make any difference.

"I'm not sure where you're going with this," I said.

"She told us that the pair of you decided that you wanted children and this two years away from the limelight was the perfect opportunity, correct?"

"Aha." I murmured.

"She knew you weren't firing blanks. Apparently, you've got very strong swimmers." I raised my eyebrows at that statement.

"Kayla saw the report from your last big medical," she added.

"Her periods have always been a bit erratic; she was concerned about her ability to conceive," she continued. "So, she went to a gynecologist, one a friend of Stephen's recommended. She'd been using a strong type of the pill since she's was fifteen to regularize her cycle. She was really concerned that it might have affected her chances to have a baby. The doctor told her to take these." She pointed at the containers I still clutched in my hand.

"They are used to improve the odds, so to speak. She started taking them several months before the tour ended. Christ knows why the doctor gave her those, she shouldn't have had any problem if she'd just stopped taking the pill."

I thought quickly, "So she stopped taking the pill first?"

She shook her head, "Ah, no, and that's where her little plan went off the rails. She was told to stop the contraceptive pill for at least a month, preferably two, before starting these drugs."

Of course, she hated having to perform if she was menstruating. She got bad cramps. She'd plan her performances around her periods.

I said, "Let me guess, she didn't want the hassle of erratic periods during the end of the tour, but wanted to be as fertile as the Loire Valley as soon as we went away."

"Give the man a plastic peanut. She now knows that for some people, there can be a huge side effect if you are taking the pill she was on AND these drugs."

I could see where this was heading. "Oh, come on, she's not going to use the 'it was the drugs that made me do it' excuse is she?"

"She's not; I am."

She held up her hand to forestall the retort I was about to make.

"I checked with a pharmacist I know back home to confirm my suspicions," she said. "He wasn't impressed at being awakened at the crack of dawn, but he was able to confirm her story. Both drugs influence the body's hormones, and they can interact with other drugs, such as the pill. Well, as I understand it, if you are one of the unlucky ones, the effects are a bit like you've got a sexual itch that needs constant scratching. Actually what he said was, 'she'd have been like a bitch in heat'. You weren't around those last few weeks and..."

"Nigel was," I finished. "Did she get scratched by him?"

"Only partly it seems. Her story is that she let herself get worked up by him then run away to the safety of her room and finished herself off with her trusty vibe."

She gave a quick laugh, "Apparently she wore the first one out. She found one that she could take with her on her dates. From the sound of it I've got to get me one of those." She said the last with a degree of conviction.

"Why for Christ's sake, you've got Tom."

Yes, I know I was getting distracted, but who wouldn't want the answer to that question. Was he really that big?

"You mean the walking dildo, yes I know what you all call him. Yeah, well, he's got a great big fat cock, and shit, he really knows what to do with it, but fuck is he dumb! I love fucking a man with a big cock, and he's just perfect for when I need someone to fuck me until I can't come anymore, but live with him? Fuck no, he's most definitely moving into the friend with benefits category after this holiday."

I laughed at her assessment of Tom. I'd forgotten how forthright Australian women could be about sex, and it was a refreshing diversion. I had sort of lost where we were going with this conversation and quickly asked her the first thing that came to my mind while I tried to get the rest of my thoughts back on track.

"So what's so special about this vibe thingy then, if you are going to replace Tom with it?"

She gave me an amused look. "I don't remember what she called it, but it's a springy J shape, and both ends vibrate. One end goes inside your pussy and presses against the g-spot. The other end rests over your clit, and it holds itself in place. You can control it with a little remote. Fuck, clit and g-spot at the same time, who needs a man." She gave me a happy smile

"Hang on, you've got to be kidding, did you say she took it with her on her dates!"

"It's true; if she used it when she was on a date, she didn't feel as though she'd been unfaithful to you. Her body kept wanting more, and she began not to trust herself around Nigel. She sensed something was wrong with her. It wasn't until her assistant found her all over him after a performance five weeks before the end of the tour that she found out what was wrong with her.

"Her assistant insisted she sees a doctor. He worked out what was wrong and took her off both drugs. Unfortunately, it took a while for the effect to wear off, so she was still getting the occasional urges. Nigel interpreted that as Kay still having feelings for him."

I sighed, I hated to admit it, but it almost sounded plausible, but there were one or two points I was unsure of.

"So, did he know she was married; did Kay tell him?"

"I didn't have to tell him I was married because I thought he knew," Kayla spoke, neither of us has seen her approach the bench.

"I talked about you, but only in the briefest of ways. I don't discuss you with people you don't know, and he definitely fell into that category. He was NOT a confidant."

She sat down on the other side of me. "Our marriage is common knowledge with Stephen's assistants, and I guessed that they'd told him. I'm sad to say that because of my behavior, they all thought I was having an affair with him, so they kept quiet around you."

"Were you?"

"I suppose it depends on what your definition of an affair is. I didn't think so at the time as I never loved him. Even in the worst moments when I desperately wanted someone, anyone, to fuck me, I couldn't betray you, but did I let it go further than I should have, yes, I'm afraid I did."

There was a long silence after her last statement while we both gathered our thoughts.

"Why didn't you tell me," I finally asked. "I'd have cancelled the rest of my engagements, you know I would. You were the most important thing in the world to me." I noted after I said it, that I'd used the past tense.

"How was I supposed to tell you there were times those last couple of months that I was feeling so sexually needy, I'd happily have fucked the whole of the orchestra. I didn't know what was happening to me. It was only my love for you that kept me from making the ultimate mistake."

"People knew I'd changed and there was no way I wanted you to find out what I'd been up to. There was a good reason why I didn't want you at the reception. I was sure someone would tell you about Nigel and me. I didn't want you to hear that people were convinced we'd been fucking like rabbits the past couple of months."

She heard me gasp in horror.

"We didn't... we really didn't, please believe me. By that last week the hormones were no longer affecting me and I was just so embarrassed. I just wanted to forget the whole thing. How could I stand up in front of all those people and tell them that we'd been married for the past eight years after some of them had seen what I'd been like around him? You would have heard the rumors about my behavior, it would have sounded like I'd been having an affair.

"I was only intimate with our friend George in your absence. You remember George, that cute pink vibrator you got me as a present when I began the tour? He'd been my constant companion on tour; he'd been the perfect lover in your absence. Well, he died after two weeks of hard labor."

She grinned, "He died a happy death, pulsing his last as I came."

Both Cassie and I laughed at the mock sadness in her voice.

She turned serious, "The trouble was, the urge would come on at any time. When it was at its worst point, I'd just need to see an attractive man and I'd feel the need. There's only so many times you can run off to your room, or the loo, for a quick wank without everyone around you thinking you're a complete nutter."

"I found a solution, though." She held a hand up to forestall the obvious question. "One that involved no bodily contact with a second person."

She passed me a purple soft rubbery object from a large pocket on her skirt. "Meet George the second, this little toy kept me sane after the first George died, until the effects of the stupid drugs wore off. He was mail order."

Cassie's description had been relatively accurate. A U-shaped vibrator with ends that were flattened and slightly flared out. One arm was a bit longer. As it sat on my hand, it began to buzz, and Kay showed me the remote in her hand.

She continued talking as I absently turned George the second over in my hand. "It seemed that those last few months I was attending a lot more than the usual round of social events. Nigel was at almost all of them, I guess because he and Stephen were working on me to commit to a lot more records with Diamond. Stephen seemed anxious that I should still do the odd concert over the two years."