Try Whatever, It Won't Help

We were on a trip, staying in a hotel during a conference for trauma healing therapy. She came to my room wanting to talk about stuff that came up.

She was crying and put her head in my chest and I wrapped my arms around her. Her voice had that husky emotional tone and I could feel the heat of her breath against my wet shirt from her tears.

"My body feels numb and unnatural to be in.." she said and looked up into my eyes.

"..I want to feel my body but I don't think I can.."

"..I probably shouldn't be here.. I don't care what happens to me when I get like this.. so long as I'm not alone"

She looked me in the eyes, waiting endlessly. I considered, wondering what she was asking for.

I thought for a moment, then I put my hand to her cheek, and brushed her hair behind her ear. What does she actually want or need?

"What if I make you feel something?"

She scoffed, then resumed looking at me.

I placed her hand on my chest, over my heart so she could feel my heartbeat. Then to my cheek and neck, tracing my skin with her finger tips. I got goosebumps but she was the same, egging me on, expecting no change, wanting to prove to me her numbness.

We were in a sort of trance and I didn't want to break it, but I wanted to try more things. I ran my fingers along her forearms and hands, gently grazing her skin with the backs of my fingernails. She rotated her hands slowly and looked at them, as if she wondered what she might feel but nothing came. She returned her gaze to my eyes.

I touched her ears gently, rubbing the lobes, then running my fingers through her hair across her scalp. Her eyelids drooped a little but went right back to gazing endlessly.

I guided her to a chair and sat at her feet. She was wearing black sweatpants and a white t-shirt with no bra under. I asked if she could take off her sweatpants. She did so matter-of-factly.

I squeezed her feet gently and traced around her ankles. From that angle, her expression almost looked forlorn, as if I was a whisper of the past attempting to right a wrong that was long since confirmed into the history books. Like she felt sorry for me that I was trying, no hope that I would succeed, but didn't have the heart or impulse to tell me so.

I traced my fingertips up her calves to her knee and back down. Her skin was rough there, and cold. Her legs shaved but with stubble growing. She didn't seem to notice or care. I ran my fingers up her thigh and noticed the little tiny hairs there stood up against my touch. I looked up expectantly, but she still gazed at my eyes passionless.

I took a deep breath and ran my fingers back down her legs.

"Are you cold?" I asked

She continued looking at me, then slightly shook her head.

"Can you lie on the bed, on your stomach?"

She did so, and only after that did I notice how strange it was to not have her gaze on me anymore. It felt both relieving and also uncomfortable given what we were doing.

I traced my fingers across her low back and hips. My fingers were starting to feel a little numb from all the light friction. Again her tiny hairs responded, but nothing else from her.

I could see her chest rise and fall as she breathed. For some reason the silence that had hung in the room for so long felt heavy and I tried to ignore it. We were there and trying it, I was going to give it my best shot. I wanted her to FEEL something, in her body, from my touch. I wanted it for her, but also for me, for my own sanity I guess.

I traced up her back, over her shirt, at first with more pressure, then more lightly on her bare skin, pushing her shirt up as I moved. Her back muscles twitched a few times on her upper back.

I felt her shoulder blades, strong but small. Further apart than I expected. I pushed down into the flesh of her shoulders, still under her shirt and they were tight. I kneaded them a bit, almost on instinct. She breathed a little deeper and seemed to relax a little.

I moved my hands back down her back, squeezing and kneading and pushing, harder than it seemed like she could handle but of course she didn't complain. Her body just moved against my hands and the bed, her breath adjusting to the cadence of my pushing.

Over her hips, I rocked them side to side, alternately lifting and letting fall the right and then left, kind of hoping she would giggle or be ticklish from it. Of course nothing, though her body seemed very relaxed now. I almost wondered if she'd fall asleep while I was doing this.

Keeping a firmer touch, I ran my hands now over her butt and down the backs of her thighs to her feet, then back up. As I got back to her butt, I put my thumbs under her butt cheeks and in the crease of her underwear and gently spread them apart.

She seemed to stop breathing for a second and I got nervous I'd gone too far. I should've been checking myself. Shit. But also if she felt SOMETHING, that would also be something! Anything!

After a quick moment, I ran my hands back down her legs and started massaging her left calf muscle. Surprisingly she giggled at that!

"Haha haha" she squirmed her leg involuntarily.

I smiled thinking I'd won. She was smiling too and trying to look at my face with her neck craned to the side, but I could tell that same gaze was there.

I continued more slowly then, kneading her calf more gently but firmly and she didn't giggle. She was still watching me, which now felt uncomfortable, like she knew I was doing something naughty. I felt my cheeks flush a little.

I went above her head then and worked her shoulders a little more through her shirt. Her shirt was still high and I could make out all the little bones and muscles of her back.

From this view, her butt looked amazing as it rocked back and forth slightly.

"Are you thirsty?" I asked

"Sure"

She picked her head up and I got her some water. She laid her head right back down after, facing away this time. I rested a hand on her bare lower back.

"Can I try something?"

"Try whatever. I told you.."

"I'm going to lay on top of you.. "

She didn't respond, then shrugged a little.

I climbed on to the bed and took my shirt off. I wanted my skin against her back. I laid down on top of her, my hips against her butt, my elbows next to her head. I took some of the weight off with my elbows so she could breathe, but I put my full lower body weight on her.

I was a little worried I'd get hard. I'd been aroused a few times already with what we were doing, but it always went away quickly. Now my hips were pressed up against her butt, and there was no way I could hide an erection if I got one again.

I pressed my chest and belly to her bare back and her skin felt cold against mine. I heard her breathing change to short, labored breaths as my weight limited her ability to fill her lungs. I thought I heard her whimper a little as she exhaled a few times, but she didn't say anything or try to adjust herself.

I felt silly lying on top of her. Why was I thinking this would have any effect? But I didn't want to seem like I was giving up, so I just relaxed a little more of my weight into her and tried to breathe and wait it out for a few seconds.

She shifted a little under me, almost like she was trying to get comfortable. I was so focused on the possibility she might be compelled to react, I didn't even notice the blood rushing to my hips. My dick swelled slightly and I felt it throbbing a little, but hopefully nothing she could notice.

"honestly, you could fuck me right now and I still wouldn't feel anything"

My breath caught and my dick swelled involuntarily to a full size erection, pushing against the space between her ass with the top of my shaft. I didn't know what to say. What do I say to that? I clearly want to, at least my dick is saying so.

She shifted a bit again and I realized she was arching her lower back and pushing her butt up against my hips... and against my now rock hard dick, moving it side to side across the gap in her cheeks.

"do you... want me to try?" I gulped nervously and stupidly, not sure how to think of this situation and my heart now in my throat at the casual invitation. Is this something I even want to do? Shit. I better figure it out fast if not, cuz this looks like it's happening.

"Sure. Try whatever. I already told you it won't help."

I hesitated. Breathing hard now. I'm lying on top of her, completely pinning her to the bed with her shirt up, back bared to my shirtless stomach and she's rubbing her ass into my dick telling me I can fuck her IF I WANT TO?? as if it didn't matter to her at all. What is she going to think tomorrow? What the fuck is happening right now? I know I probably wanted this in some part of my mind, but how is it actually happening right now?

I took a deep breath and realized my body had been tensing up unconsciously. I relaxed my weight against her again and thought I heard her whimper a little again.

I shifted my weight to my right elbow and used my left hand to brush the skin up and down her left arm. My erection subsided a little and I felt some of the fear of the situation wash away. This was crazy, but I was in control and in some way it was relaxing to know that she really meant I could try anything at all.

I slowly brought my left hand up to touch her cheek and her ear. She couldn't look at me, even though she'd turned her head to the left and I could see her eyelashes moving so her eyes were open. I brushed her lips and opened them a little with my thumb, pausing for a moment.. with her lips slightly parted. I gently leaned my thumb into her lips and she opened her mouth slightly. She was breathing a little through her mouth now, so my thumb tip felt her breath, hot and wet.

My heart was racing again and my dick was bulging into her butt. She hadn't shifted her hips again so this was all on me and what I was doing to her. I waited for two more breaths, then slowly eased my thumb into her mouth, touching her teeth and the tip of her tongue. She opened her jaw to let me in, but stopped at that, just breathing more through her mouth.

I smiled. This was ridiculous. What the fuck were we doing? I took another breath and relaxed my weight into her. I kept tensing up without realizing it. Probably because I keep getting super turned on. She's telling me to do WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT with her body, as if it doesn't make a difference to her.

I ran my thumb across her teeth and along the inside of her cheek. She made no sound and no move, just kept breathing calmly in those short labored breaths like before with the limited lung space my weight was giving her.

Could I kill her and she wouldn't care? Jesus no. What the fuck am I thinking? I'm trying to get her to feel something, not die! Though this is such a bizarre situation...

I put my index finger in her mouth with my thumb and felt her teeth between my fingers, felt her gums. I took her tongue between my thumb and finger and felt its texture. It kept slipping out of my fingers, probably involuntarily because she still didn't make a sound or object.

Without thinking, I pushed my hips into her butt, breathing out as I relished in the thrusting motion with my hard cock pushing against her. Surprisingly, I saw her eyelashes move a lot, almost like she was trying to look at me without moving her head.

She didn't move though, and the more I touched and felt her body the more turned on I was getting by the whole situation. So I do whatever I want with her, and if she feels something, great, and if she doesn't I just keep going... this is ridiculously satisfying...

I took my hand out of her mouth and pushed up on both my hands so my upper body wasn't touching her. I felt the feeling of weightlessness on my chest as the pressure there was removed. Our skin was a little sweaty where it had been touching and now felt cold in the open air. Her back was a little red from the skin to skin contact and her shirt was all bunched up and wrinkled by her shoulders in the back.

My hips were pushed into hers and my erection was now pushing somewhat with the tip against the underside of her butt. I shifted my hands to her hips and grabbed and squeezed the skin and flesh there, as if we were having sex, passionately and gripping. She made no move, just looked on, blinking a few times.

Some part of me wondered: is this rape? Is she like having an episode or something and I'm taking advantage of her? This could be really bad...

My dick responded by losing some of its steam and letting my brain have a little more blood.

I paused for a moment to think. I didn't move or shift positions, but I lifted a little weight off my hips and let my knees onto the bed so they could take the weight. I was sort of straddling her lower legs.

"I want to try something" I said

She didn't even respond this time. I knew the answer.

I hesitated. This seemed like crossing a firmer boundary, but once the thought was there I couldn't not know the answer.

I got off the bed.

"Can you.. turn over.. please?"

She did so, her face looking up, then blinking she looked in my eyes again. That same gaze, though it seemed like it was hesitant now, almost like it was harder for her to keep eye contact.

I took a step towards her, maintaining that eye contact, and put my right hand flat on her bare stomach, my thumb just under the fold of her white shirt. No reaction. I was learning not to expect one, but for some reason I thought with eye contact... I guess I thought I'd see something in her expression...

I trailed my thumb and index finger down her belly, then ran my index finger under the seam of her underwear. I felt her belly contract a little and she blinked at the same time. My breathing was getting stronger and I could feel my dick starting to grow again, as I eased my other fingers under the seam of her underwear and ran them through her pubic hair. It was soft, like my own, but a lot less of it.

She swallowed, but her expression didn't change and her eyes were still on mine. Somehow this eye contact felt safe, like looking out a windshield while driving a car. Like if something I did was wrong or right, I would know immediately and I could course correct.

I slid my fingers down her mound and lay my hand flat across her pussy, gently keeping pressure towards her body across my hand. Her jaw moved down, as if to say something, but went right back to where it started. I waited a breath. Then gently pushed with my fingers against her pussy lips. Her pubic hair was matted from her underwear, but there was heat and a warmth coming from inside that I could feel, and a pulse, a heartbeat beneath it that matched the pulse I saw in her neck.

Was her pulse increasing? I hadn't been paying attention, but I feel like her pulse hadn't been noticeable in her neck before.

I eased my middle finger back and forth against her folds, making a path for it inside.. I felt the warm, sticky folds open to it. Sliding across those folds of the inside of her pussy, my mind felt some kind of bliss at the sensation. Her eyes seemed a little wider now, but she looked in my eyes just the same as before.

I curled my middle finger up parting the folds of her pussy lips and opening them to my hand. Then I pushed my palm against the folds where her clit lay hidden, making a slow circling motion.

Her lips parted then and her breathing was definitely more labored than before. Her eyes now looked like they were half-closed, yet still gazing into mine, holding them.

She's feeling something. I know that much. But I didn't feel like saying so... I wanted to consume her body with my hands, with my eyes, with my whole being. I wanted to feel her so deeply that she could feel me feeling her.

I let my hand rock a little more firmly against her mound, moving her body up and down a bit. Her lips were parted and she was breathing through her mouth now, her pussy was more and more wet and warm and open. "You could fuck me.." her voice echoed in my mind. Jesus.

With my left hand, I lifted up her shirt slowly, exposing two petite breasts. The nipples were dark brown with small areolas and plump erect nipples. How had those not shown through her shirt earlier? Her breasts swayed gently with the rhythm of my right hand against her.

"You are mine" the words popped into my head and I immediately felt bad for thinking them. She's not mine. I don't even know what this is, some kind of alternate reality..

Her eyes rolled up for a moment with pleasure, and her chin lifted up a little. Then she blinked a few times and her eyes locked with mine again, but with an intense hungry passion that hadn't been there before. It shocked me a little and my lips parted involuntarily, but she didn't move or change anything else. The sudden contrast was dizzying, like she'd been holding back this whole time and finally let her desire come through in her expression.

I felt naked suddenly, to her eyes, like she was ravaging me and I was powerless to resist. Like I was a meaty animal in a cage with a hungry lioness.

Then it passed and I realized my right hand had slowed in my distraction and the intensity that had been building waned. My erection was almost soft and the sudden rush of emotion had been overwhelming I realized. Still she looked at me, the same steady gaze as before now, as I stood there with my hand rocking against her pussy and my other hand holding her shirt up over her breasts.

I let go of something in that moment. I let go of being unsure or questioning whether I wanted to fuck her or run. Whether I felt safe or frightened. In control or manipulated.

Holding her eyes, I lowered my head to her breast and kissed her left nipple with an open mouth. Then I kissed the other one, taking it fully into my mouth and nibbling gently on it.

Then I pulled my right hand away and grabbed both sides of her underwear, pulling slowly down towards her toes. She lifted her hips to let them slide off, her gaze the same, unexpecting, unconcerned, but intent to hold my eyes.

I looked away to pull her underwear off her ankles, then grabbed her hips and heaved to pull them towards me and partially off the bed. She moved with my pulling easily, helping me position her with her hips just off the edge of the bed.

I placed a hand between her knees, then looked in her eyes again and spread her knees apart. She didn't resist, but they didn't fall open either, which meant she was holding them together slightly. I stood between her open legs, her shirt up over her breasts and took a few breaths as I ran down her body with my gaze. Her eyes on mine while I looked at her body felt exciting somehow.

I locked eyes with her again, then descended to place my mouth between her legs. I kissed her thighs to each side, spreading them more to make space. I kissed her pussy lips, open and warm and wet. Then I licked them, softly and quickly at first, then slowly, pushing my tongue into them and feeling the flesh move under my tongue.

I might've heard a small whimper but other than that she didn't react. I grabbed a leg in each hand, lifting them slightly and pushing my face into her crotch. I breathed in her aroma and sucked some of her juices into my mouth, swallowing them. My mouth was salivating like crazy.

I licked her pussy, pushed my tongue into her, licked again, pushed my lips and chin into her clit folds and rubbed back and forth. Then did it again and again. My dick was hard as a rock and I kept thinking "I can fuck her whenever I want, why am I waiting" but I didn't want to yet. I wasn't done. I wanted her to scream in pleasure if it was possible..

I doubled my pace, my tongue feeling stretched and my jaw aching from being open so long. I thrust my face into her hips and licked everywhere. When I came up for air, I kissed her hip bones and her stomach with my wet face, swallowing my saliva and her juices all mixed together.