Tug in King Arthur's Court

Suddenly I understood why Carlos and the Atlanteans were so concerned. The implications of a Great Britain without an Anglo-Saxon cultural heritage were simply too profoundly disturbing to contemplate. We had to prevent THAT from happening at all costs.

*****

Merlin took us up to Camelot. Actually, he walked us up the Via Praetoria and through the south gate of the Isca Silurum Fortress. A legionary guard was posted there.

It was another world entirely, inside the walls. This was the true Camelot. The Romans were masters of architecture. So, the castellum, which was the commandant's headquarters, was a marble-faced, fairytale edifice. Even Maria was impressed and she had seen pretty-much everything in her travels.

It was designed to serve as an inner keep in the defensive scheme. So, it had all of the crenellation and turrets of the outer walls. But it was built with a gracefulness and eye toward beauty that was more artistic than military.

We walked through the outer bailey and up the paved road toward the drawbridge across the inner moat. We were surrounded by a classic Roman legionary camp. It looked no different than what you pictured Caesar's would have looked like 500 years earlier.

There were all of the military structures, from barracks to, quartermaster shops, to a bathhouse. The barracks buildings were permanent, made of brick. They housed the 6,000 men of the Second Augusta.

There were clearly fewer legionnaires in Arthur's army. But they were dressed and armed in traditional Roman legionary attire. The Aquilifer's golden standard read Legio XX Valeria Victrix, the Legion that defeated Boudica. The whole thing FELT totally Roman.

There was a loud clattering of hooves as we were about to walk into the shade of the tunnel behind the great portcullis. Three cataphracts emerged from the inner bailey of the castle.

They were followed by retainers on horseback carrying flags with each knight's insignia. The entire crew was headed for the Principia gate at a canter.

The cataphracts, were covered in gleaming plate armor with long swords at their sides and helmets and shields slung on the backs of the saddles of their big warhorses.

The horses had metal plates secured to their vulnerable areas, like their chest and forehead, by leather harnesses. Horse and rider were a formidable sight.

The insignia signified who each cataphract was. Merlin knew them all. So, he said, "There goes Gawain, Galahad and Kay. There must be something important happening."

I knew that the three noble "knights" were all part of the Arthurian legend. Gawain looked as tough and competent as the legends portrayed him. He would end up in the middle of Morgan Le Fay's marital difficulties but that was another story. Galahad, the pure one, was tall, blond and very good looking. Kay was a big swarthy goon who looked like a bully; which he was.

As soon as that knightly procession had passed, we walked through the gate and into the inner courtyard. We proceeded across the courtyard and up the marble steps into the great hall of Camelot.

We were greeted by a burly, middle-aged man, dressed in what looked like formal Roman military attire; expensive and richly embroidered tunic, heavy military belt and shoes. This was Bedivere, Arthur's Seneschal.

I would later learn that the Round Table dressed like Roman patricians, which they were; rather than knights in shining armor. Bedivere was like every other top advisor to the main guy; very smart and canny.

According to the Arthurian legend he was one of the Round Table's best fighters and Arthur's marshal, which is like his adjutant. So, he would be the guy to handle a couple of new arrivals.

Of course, he knew Merlin who had the same overall role at Court as Bedivere. Bedivere handled the troops and Merlin did the magic.

Bedivere looked Maria over first. That was natural, she's spectacular. She was giving him a coy glance, that neither encouraged, or discouraged. In my head I heard her say, "My God! That man has a really filthy mind."

Bedivere turned his gaze to me. He was visibly unimpressed. I am tall. But I obviously have no talent for wielding a battle-axe. Merlin introduced me by saying, "May I present, Tug, King of the Nerds."

I heard Maria's giggling voice in my head say, "I told him to say that."

Royalty huh?! Bedivere looked like he'd just realized why I was with such a spectacular woman.

He bowed and said, puzzled, "The Nerds, your royal highness? I've never heard of them?"

I said ceremoniously, as I extended my ring for him to kiss, "We live in a place called Silicon Valley. It is a long way west of here. But it is very rich."

Merlin added, "And this is Queen Maria. Besides being nobility, she is also a Priestess of the Sun."

Bedivere's face crinkled for a moment. He said confused, "The Nerds are pagan? They worship the sun?"

I said with as much assumed superiority as I could, AND a straight face, "We believe in photovoltaicsm. It is extremely sunny in Silicon Valley and we use the sun to power our mother boards. Maria is the High Priestess of that religion."

That was nonsense, of course. But it made Bedivere stop asking questions. Maria's voice in my head was laughing so hard it was difficult to concentrate.

I said, "We have come to visit Arthur and to offer him the immense knowledge of the Nerds of Silicon Valley."

Bedivere looked relieved. That was understandable, since Arthur had a reputation for welcoming wizards and scholars. I was soon to learn that there was another reason why Bedivere welcomed our visit. Arthur was a well-known horndog.

But, in the meantime, Bedivere was saying, "Arthur is away at the moment. He and the knights are scouting the Saxon positions at Aquae Sulis." That was modern Bath. So, the climactic battle was in the offing.

Bedivere added, "We will arrange for you to stay here until he returns. How many retainers and horses did you bring?"

Now that was a question that I hadn't thought of. I knew that telling him that it was just me and the wife would diminish my royal highness-ness.

Then I had an inspiration. I said, trying to project religious fervor, "We are on a quest m 'Lord. We seek the Sangreal and as you know, only the purest and most holy can behold the Grail. Maria and I have undergone the Nerd rights of consecration and therefore, we must undertake this quest alone."

Bedivere got a look of profound piousness and said impressed, "You seek the Sangreal?"

I said, "We have held it in our very hands. It is a Holy Wonder. But we lost it and we are seeking it again."

I didn't elaborate that we had dug it out of a Templar maze in Nova Scotia and promptly handed it over to the Atlanteans for safe keeping.

Seriously???!! The thunderstruck look on Bedivere's face nearly made me laugh out-loud. They really believed that shit back then.

I added in a sanctimonious voice, "Because we have been purified, we cannot live near other people. Do you have a room away from the rest of the residents of this castellum?"

Castles have ears and I didn't want the denizens of King Arthur's Court sneaking around in the drapery. Merlin added helpfully, "King Tug and Queen Maria are living Saints. They have beheld the grail. Their sanctity must be preserved at all costs." Well done Merlin!

Bedivere mused for a moment. Then he said, "The north tower is unoccupied now that Lancelot has fled to the continent. You may have his quarters for your stay. I will have your things moved there.

He added, "It is a royal apartment and you will be away from the rest of us. That is how the malefactor was able to perform his blasphemous acts with our Queen."

Ah yes, Lancelot and Guinevere and their twice-weekly rutting. That was a love story for the ages. Lancelot got exile. Guinevere ended up in a convent; convents being the traditional place for adulterous wives back then.

Our room was at the very top of the tower, up a winding stone staircase. We finally reached it, with my lungs about to collapse from the climb.

We discovered that it was spacious and beautiful. The walls were stone. But, they were covered by rich tapestries. The furnishings were made from the finest wood and metals. The view from the window, out across the rolling English countryside, was stunning.

Merlin, Maria and I just walked around the room, marveling. I said, "So this is Camelot."

Merlin said sadly, "It's one of the last bastions of our culture."

I knew that it would soon be lost to ignorance and superstition, just like the rest of that thriving civilization. Two hundred years later, it was nothing but piles of stone, marshland and ghosts.

*****

Once we had settled in, Merlin told us about the problem. It would be safe to talk about it up there since there was no place to hide inside of the room and it was a sixty-foot drop on the outside

The story itself was a perfect example of Athenian treachery and there was no question their plans were going to work. The battle that would be known as Badon Hill would be fought in the coming weeks. That was just outside of present day Bath. There was a Saxon horde camped there. Their destination was Camelot, which was no more than forty miles away, or a few days hard marching. So, Arthur was looking for any edge to combat them.

Nymue caused the problem. As we were later to learn, Nymue wasn't what she appeared to be. Merlin found THAT out to his eternal regret. But, at the time all of us just thought that she was a flibbertigibbet.

Nymue had been spending a lot of time hanging out with Morgan Le Fey. Morgan had always appealed to Nymue's Athenian side.

Merlin told us that he had tried to warn Nymue about Morgan. But there was nothing he could actually do. That was because Merlin didn't want to lose access to Nymue's frisky little kitty.

According to Merlin, Nymue was being used by Morgan and her nephew Mordred to pull-off a particularly nefarious Athenian scheme. Merlin had learned about it because, besides being hot, Nymue was also an airhead.

She had actually told Merlin about the Athenian's plans during pillow talk. Nymue thought it was the funniest practical joke she had ever pulled.

Morgan had talked Nymue into giving Arthur a weapon called "Caliburn." We know it as "Excalibur." Morgan and her nephew Mordred had gotten it from a nameless source. But, all three of us knew that it was Athenian in origin.

Over the centuries, Nymue's little prank morphed into the story of "Excalibur and the Lady of the Lake." The story is mystical and romantic now. But, what Nymue actually had done could potentially change the narrative of time.

Merlin told us that; although he didn't know what Caliburn was, that weapon was the key to the disaster to come. So, our assignment was to get ahold of it, evaluate it, and get it into safe, meaning Atlantean, hands.

The problem was that Caliburn was so valuable to the Britons that Arthur kept it locked in his personal bed chamber.

I could immediately see what the Atlanteans had in mind sending us. And I didn't like it one bit.

You might think jousting was the official sport of King Arthur's Roundtable. But I knew for a fact that it was adultery.

Arthur had just had Guinevere shit all over their marriage; by doing the nasty with his best friend Lancelot. So, Arthur would be extra motivated, to use Maria as a way to rub Guinevere's nose in the fact that she'd been replaced.

Guinevere was a legendary beauty. But, she didn't hold a candle to my wife. Hence, we knew that Arthur would be all-over Maria the moment he returned from scouting the Saxons.

Obviously, if Arthur took Maria on as a mistress, that would allow her to gain access to the King's bed chamber and the weapon.

The one inconvenient fact was that Maria was married to me. And, mutual fidelity was the single unbreakable condition of our marriage. Consequently, as far as I was concerned Maria fucking Arthur, even to save Western civilization, was a total non-starter.

Maria sent me one of our subliminal messages. She said, "Don't say anything." Then she said out loud to Merlin, "So how do you envision us getting access to the King's bedchamber?"

Merlin said, "Your father told me about your many exploits in defense of Atlantis. I know that you can easily gain access to the weapon. All we have to do is let Arthur meet you."

Maria looked resolute as she said to Merlin, "I'll get it for you. But you'll have to let me do it my way." My heart sank. But I loved and trusted my wife.

*****

Maria and I were settling into our tower room. It was weird really. Not many people get a chance to spend the day in Camelot.

Then, Arthur and his knights came clattering back. There was a lot of noise in the courtyard far below, as a dozen, or so, heavily armored men tried to get off their horses. Squires were everywhere assisting their masters. The din was a lot like a locker room after the big game.

The elephant in the room had gotten so big that it was pushing me out a window. Maria clearly had an answer. But, she wasn't sharing it with me and I was too proud to ask her.

I knew that my saying, "So are you going to fuck him?" would be in extremely bad taste. We were supposed to trust each other and we both understood what fidelity meant. After all that we had shared together, I owed her my silence. But I didn't see what the alternative was if we wanted to get to this Caliburn thing.

Of course, Maria was in my head. She said, "Everything will work out just fine my love. But there are too many Athenians around to discuss it. Just trust me."

Of course, I did. But there is always that haunting feeling of insecurity, when your wife has to play footsie with a reigning monarch. I might be King of the Nerds. But this was King Arthur for God's sake!!

Merlin had arranged an audience with the great man himself and we were trying to decide how to dress. I actually had the toga out when inspiration struck.

If I was a foreign dignitary, then I would be expected to dress outlandishly, not like some dude who came straight from Rome.

Maria was walking around the room in a light shift, which was giving me ideas. But I had to focus on the matter at hand. So, I said, "We've been trying to blend in. But if we are truly from Silicon Valley, then maybe we need to dress like it."

Maria cracked a smile, like she had been thinking the same thing, but didn't know how to bring it up. Or maybe she just read my mind. Anyhow, she said, "That's brilliant!! I have just the outfit to get the guy's interest."

She rummaged in the trunk, like a badger digging a burrow. We had packed modern clothes as well as ones for that era. It was a very big trunk. She eventually pulled out a sun-dress that was pure California beach-bunny; spaghetti straps and a built-in bra, that hoisted the girls to "stun."

It flowed down across her beautiful hips and ass to reveal her gorgeous legs, from four inches above her knee. With Maria wearing an outfit like that, I could have probably dressed in pink panties and a bra and nobody would have noticed me. But, I thought full macho was in order for the King of the Nerds.

So, I put on a set of BDUs in desert camo, an old Army OD t-shirt and C4T boots. I even strapped on the Glock, just to give me the "warrior" look.

Looking at the two of us in the room's polished copper, mirror we would've fit in perfectly at any hipster café in America. It was uncertain what Arthur's court would make of us. But after all, we WERE from Silicon Valley.

Merlin greeted us at the door to the Grand Chamber. His look of utter astonishment was hilarious. I have to admit that most of that look was directed at my wife, who had added q pair of 4-inch FMPs to her repertoire and utilized some 21st Century makeup.

Her current leggy appearance carried slightly more impact than the meteor that extinguished the dinosaurs.

Merlin opened the door and led the way up a corridor of people, which was formed by the assembled Camelot personages. Arthur was sitting in a curule chair on a raised platform at the end of that corridor.

His use of a curule chair was one more difference between the Arthur of romantic legend and the real Arthur. Roman emperors sat in chairs like that, not Medieval kings. The King Arthur as portrayed 900 years later sat on a throne, but he wasn't a Roman magistrate like this one was.

Arthur himself was clearly Romano-Britain. He was compact and muscular, perhaps five nine. That would have been tall for that era. He was in a pure white tunic with gold trim similar to the outfit any Caesar would wear. His sandals were Roman military.

He had a classic Roman face, hawk nose and very dark eyes, almost cruel mouth. That was the Celt in him. He was clean shaven and his hair was short and cut in the classic Imperial style so popular on all those Roman statues.

Arthur nearly fell out of his imperial seat when he caught sight of the vision strolling up the aisle. Maria's all-out stunning beauty totally flummoxed him. She's a spectacular woman, confident in her personal charisma and sexuality, and a full blast of that just blew Arthur away. The fact that her incredible looks were only a minor part of the entire package was a much more important feature to me.

Arthur was trying to maintain his imperial calm. But it was obvious that he wanted to bound down the steps, grab Maria and sweep her off to his bed chambers like Pepe le Pew on meth. Unfortunately, that was exactly what we needed him to do.

Merlin said in his most formal tone of voice, "Your Royal Highness, may I introduce Tug, King of the Nerds and his wife Queen Maria. They come to us from far off Silicon Valley."

We both bowed deeply. Arthur said, never taking his eyes off Maria, "Welcome King Tug. I offer you the hospitality of the British people. What is the reason for your visit?"

Maria and I had discussed my response. It seemed best that I play the foreign potentate. These were all Romans by cultural heritage and so arrogance was built into their attitude toward any non-Roman.

Consequently, if I was going to get any respect from them I would have to act like just as big an asshole.

I said with a bit of disdain in my voice, "I bring greetings to your humble kingdom from the powerful Nerds of Silicon Valley." That impudence provoked a gasp from the assembled multitude.

I hastily added, "My Queen and I are on a quest for the Sangreal. We seek your assistance in our search. I have held that holy vessel in my hands and it has given me wonderous powers that I offer to you in recompense." The powers belonged to my wife but they didn't need to know that.

Arthur looked baffled. He'd never heard of me, or my kingdom and I certainly didn't look kingly. But, I was accompanied by a woman who was so spectacular that I must either be royal, or equipped with a foot-long unit.

Either way Arthur decided to err on the side of caution. He said very formally, "Our people will assist you in your Holy quest and we offer you the hospitality of The Camp of the Legions."

Then all hell broke loose.

A rough voice from the back of the chamber yelled, "He's no king!! He's an imposter!! I challenge him to prove his worthiness in the field of honor."

I turned and looked in the direction of the voice. It was coming from a giant, red-faced bruiser with heraldic markings on his tunic. Hence, he was one of the Knights of the Round table.

He was standing next to a tall dude with a sinister smile. That guy looked like one of the Na'vi's from Avatar; except he wasn't blue. This could only be Arthur's bastard son Mordred.

I could detect the Athenian stink from where I was standing. This was one very bad guy. I looked at Maria and she shook her head. The message was clear. There were at least three people in the room who could intercept our telepathic communications, Mordred, and his two aunts Morgause and Morgan le Fey.