Tug in King Arthur's Court

They didn't know who we were. So, Maria was not going to tip our hand by communicating telepathically.

I looked further, into the very back of the chamber and the two women were standing side by side. Both of them were unspeakably beautiful if you like icy blue eyes, pale skin and thick raven hair. Both of them were exceptionally tall and model slim, like they had just stepped off the runway at a couture house. And they both looked ineffably evil.

Arthur sounded angry as he said, "Sir Sagamore, what grounds do you have for making this accusation?" Okay, so the dude's name was Sagamore. I couldn't recall a Round Table knight by that name. But, I didn't need to guess who had motivated him.

Mordred was smirking at me, with a malicious smile that told me he was enjoying stirring up trouble for Arthur. I didn't think he knew who we were. He just liked being a dick.

Being dressed in desert camo BDUs instead of armor made me an obvious target. Sagamore said, "Look at him my Lord. He's never swung a blade in his life. He comes to us dressed like a motley fool and he claims to be royal. Any king should be able to protect himself so I beg you to let me test him."

This was getting out of hand. We were here for a mission, not to argue my kingly status with this idiot.

Plus, too much conversation might "out" us as agents from another time. So, I wanted to end the discussion as quickly as I could.

I said calmly, "I accept his challenge Lord King." Arthur looked like he wanted to forbid it. Getting a royal guest killed by one of his knights would look bad on his resume.

Maria looked downright horrified. I winked at her and said, "If Sir Sagamore wants to meet me in chivalric combat; I'll accommodate him. Is now too soon?"

There was a loud gasp from the assemblage. Sagamore was too stupid to be worried by my haste. But several of Arthur's senior knights, like Gawain were definitely concerned.

Arthur really didn't like the idea of a duel. But one of his knights had made the challenge and I had already accepted. So, he said, "You two will meet on the lists within the hour."

Then he added with caution in his voice, "The first to draw blood will be declared the winner." It was obvious that he was warning Sagamore to wound me, not kill me.

Maria grabbed me as we exited the audience chamber. She said anguished, "Are you nuts!! What in the world do you think you're doing??!! That man is a beast. He'll kill you!!"

I said with an impish grin, "Trust me. You'll just have to let me do this my way." It was the exact phrase she had used in response to my horror at the thought of her fucking Arthur. I hope she got the message.

*****

So, there I was, standing under a late spring sun in the afternoon heat. I was situated on one end of a well-worn path through a long field.

Sagamore was sitting on a monster horse on the other end, in full plate armor with a lance. I had refused a horse, partly because I didn't know how to ride one and a lance and sword would just get in my way.

Accordingly, I was just standing there in my BDUs, wearing a pair of wraparound Costas and the little sun hat that all the grunts in the Sandbox wear. I must have looked pathetic in the eyes of Artur's entire Court, which was assembled on the hill overlooking the jousting field.

They were in their finery, which was much more Roman than medieval. The men were in richly colored tunics with belts. The women were in brightly colored stolas and tunicas, with the exception of Maria who was wearing the hottest looking sun-dress ever fitted to female form.

I noticed that Arthur had seated her next to him and they were sharing a cooling bunch of grapes. She was feeding them to him one at a time and she seemed to be hanging on his every word. Well, that was her job.

The Heralds made their usual blah-blah-blah about our pedigree. I insisted that they announce me as Tug, King of the Nerds, son of Bill and Melinda, Lord of Redmond, Prince of Redwood City and San Jose. It turns out that the other guy was from Hungary - probably explains the attitude.

Then the trumpets sounded and nearly a ton and a half of horse and rider came thundering up the well-worn jousting path. I just stood there waiting for him, looking bored. The crowd began to murmur with agitation. I think they thought I was planning to commit suicide.

Sagamore was within 50 yards, coming fast. He was well within range. So, I pulled out the Glock, assumed a shooters stance and took careful aim center mass.

Without armor I was agile enough to dodge his lance. But he also had a sword and a battle axe and sharp edges make me nervous. I gave him two quick taps, as fast as I could pull the trigger - bam-bam. The 9X19 Parabellum slugs caught him dead on the plate armor strapped to his chest. That blew him up and out of his saddle.

His lance went flying back over his head and landed stuck in the ground; point first in the jousting path. His riderless horse went thundering past snorting fire.

Sir Sagamore hit the ground with a loud clank and thump. It sounded for all the world like somebody was tossing metal garbage cans around.

I didn't think he was dead. The plate armor would've absorbed most of the impact. But he was clearly the worst for wear. His attendants flocked around him. Working feverishly to get him out of his armor.

He was limp as that proverbial rag doll. The King of the Nerds had triumphed. Once again technology trumped brute force.

I strolled over to the place where the entire court was sitting absolutely gobsmacked. There was considerably more respect in their eyes. But they were obviously wondering about my ability to summon thunder and lighting. Perhaps I was the Devil. Several of them crossed themselves.

I said to the assembled multitude, "The Nerds have technologies that you do not understand. However, I only use them to protect myself. Henceforward, let what happened to Sir Sagamore be a lesson to all of you."

I could see Mordred regarding me with speculation. While, his two sisters just looked predatorially interested. I would have to keep my bed-chamber locked.

Maria excused herself from the King, rose and swayed those incredible hips over to me. She planted one of her patented hot kisses on me and said, "Now it's my turn." Then she sashayed back to sit next to Arthur.

Merlin grabbed me by the arm and walked me toward the baths. He said, "You must be hot and sweaty your Majesty. Let's get you a bath and some clean clothes."

My heart sank. He was clearing the decks for Maria. Nothing could get in the way of the success of the mission. I spent an uneasy time soaking in the baths. The only thing I could think of was Arthur boning my wife.

I knew that this was just an assignment for Maria, not something she was looking forward to. I also knew that a night with my wife would turn Arthur into her willing love slave.

So, we would soon find out what this Excalibur thing was, resolve the problem and be able to go back to our happy life. Except now, I wasn't so sure that the rest of my life would be that happy.

Intellectually, I knew that Maria's dalliance with Arthur was something she had to do for the sake of humanity. The salvation of Anglo-Saxon culture was worth the price.

That rationale still didn't change how I felt. It might be self-centered to fail to see the "big picture," But, deep down I knew that we would never have our special connection again. It just killed me.

There are a lot of elements in a marriage. Some of them are common-sense factors; like, compatibility in values and interests. Those are things that partners can control.

They can evaluate a prospective mate and find the person who most closely embodies their own ideals. Personal tastes might change over time. But, there are always the original feelings of commonality to refer back to. And, it is that unique set of shared aims that keeps the marriage on an even keel.

Then there's the irrational stuff. Number one on that list is sex. Humans are not naturally monogamous. Monogamy is the expedient needed to bind two people together into a social unit.

In essence, the intimacy of sex gives a male and a female a deep subliminal stake in each other. That's the point of the "forsaking all others" part of the vow. One man and one woman agree to exclusively share something singular. Something that no outside person can have access to.

Up to this point I had been certain that Maria had stuck to every iota of our agreement. We have a telepathic link. It would be impossible for her to hide any affairs, or for that matter even an unholy interest in another man.

Maria had told me to trust her. But, I guess I didn't. She was out of my league. She acted like that difference didn't matter. But I was always aware that it was strictly Maria's commitment to her choice of me, that kept us together. In point of fact, whether she is stunning or ordinary, that reality haunts every married man.

Now, she would have to be with another man for reasons beyond her control. I knew how overwhelmingly passionate Maria is. She simply can't help herself, once her fire gets lit. So, King Arthur was in for the ride of his life.

Our telepathic link was shut down because of the presence of the Athenians. So, I couldn't even monitor her progress. Perhaps that was a good thing for the sake of my sanity.

I dressed in a clean tunic and left the baths with Merlin. The sun had set a while back and night was beginning to fall. I was feeling miserable.

Merlin sensed it and said, "How about a drink?" He sounded like a bowling buddy asking me out to the local pub to commiserate, rather than the legendary Wizard of Camelot. So, we adjourned to the Three Vines.

I was curious about Nymue. She was the one who gave Excalibur to Arthur. Since Merlin was clearly fucking her he was in the best position to tell me the real story. I knew what happened from the works of Sir Thomas Malory but I wanted to hear it from Merlin himself.

Arthur and Merlin had first encountered Nymue in a lake near Cwmbran, which was north of Caerleon. She was bathing nude, which was what got her the nickname, "Lady of the Lake."

She was a gorgeous little thing. So, both men paused to talk to her. Merlin almost instantly recognized that Nymue was the same as him, half Atlantean. And she was hot, so hot that he fell instantly in love with her. The idea that the whole scenario might have been Athenian skullduggery never crossed his mind.

Merlin told me that Nymue had shared her hot little hooha with most of King Arthur's Court. But she had a special thing for him. Perhaps it was their shared Atlantean heritage. According to Merlin, a night with Nymue was in the same league as a night with my wife.

Wild sex is a special talent of all Atlantean women. So, I could understand why Merlin kept going back to Nymue, no matter who else she was fucking. Nymue also charmed Arthur. But, it seemed like anybody with a pretty face and a great body could do that.

The thing that made Nymue the star of King Arthur's Court was the device that she gave him. That was a weapon called Excalibur. It didn't take a legendary wizard to figure out that, that contraption was Athenian in origin.

Nymue gave Arthur an example of that the thing could do right then-and-there. The chaos it unleashed on a poor unsuspecting forest led Merlin to immediately contact the Atlantean High Council; hence our arrival.

Excalibur didn't belong in the fifth century any more than my Glock did, and it would certainly change human history. Imagine a ruler being able to wipe out whole armies with one all-conquering weapon.

The Saxons would be the first of Excalibur's victims. But, any person possessing it would be able to impose his will on any city, state, or nation he targeted.

I can connect the dots. That's MY special gift. The Athenians were up to their old tricks, altering human history. So, they had given Arthur some piece of advanced technology and walked away, leaving the chips to fall-where-they-may. It was about as responsible as giving a four-year-old a loaded machine gun.

Oddly enough, Merlin had no experience with Athenians, with the exception of Mordred, Morgause and Morgan Le Fey, who were only part Athenian.

I assured him that the one-hundred-percent solid gold version was very bad news indeed and I advised Merlin to be careful around Nymue.

Merlin's story was part of Arthurian legend, handed down over fifteen centuries. So, I knew that Nymue would ultimately be the source of both Merlin, and her own downfall.

I said with my heart in my throat, "Don't worry, Maria will do whatever's necessary to neutralize that thing." That reminded me of what she was presently doing. I felt a wave of anguish.

I said sadly, "Well, I'd better get back. I'm sure Maria will be occupied all night and I want to be there and awake when she returns. So, I have to get to bed early. I didn't mention that I wanted to pass by Arthur's chambers. I must be a total masochist. But I wanted to make sure that my wife was okay.

I made my way through the outer and inner bailey across the drawbridge and into the castle. Arthur's rooms were up a broad flight of stairs.

I didn't need to go past Arthur's chambers to get to our tower room. But I just had to confirm it. Painful? probably, but there was always the hope that Maria had found another way.

I got to the door of the chamber and there were the animalistic screams of a woman getting royally fucked, if you'll pardon the pun. You could hear them through four inches of solid oak.

My heart fell out of my chest and lay there beating on the ground. The tortured shout of, "Ohhhh Godddd I'm Coming AGAINNNN... FUCK ME HARDER!!" proceeded to stamp on it. I would never forget those words.

It took an act of will to drag myself up the winding steps. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. But, I knew I couldn't get past this.

Saving civilization sounds virtuous in the abstract. But, the reality of those godawful fucking noises made things far too concrete and painful. There was just no way to reason myself into an accepting state of mind.

I sadly took the antique key out of the pouch, which was fastened at my waist, took a deep sigh and began to fiddle with the lock. As I was doing that, somebody swung the door open, stepped forward and engulfed me in a luxurious hug.

It was Maria. It blew my mind. The disorientation nearly tipped me back down the stairs. Thank God she was still holding onto me.

I just stood there, arms around her, staring, mouth hanging open trying to figure out how she could be in two places at the same time. She dragged me inside slammed the door behind us and gave me one of her heart stopping kisses. She said accusatorially, "I've been waiting for you for hours. Where have you been?"

My brain was still sending me "Error 20 - Stack Overflow" messages so I just stood there gawping down at her beautiful face.

Finally, she said excitedly, "If you won't talk to me, I have some important news for you!! I examined Excalibur and it's an Athenian particle cannon."

That was said as-if I was supposed to know what a particle cannon was. I was also still trying to understand why she wasn't downstairs.

I said confused, "I thought you were spending the night with Arthur?"

She giggled and said, "I let his chambermaid stand in for me. She's a pretty little thing and Arthur won't know the difference."

Bingo!! I had already heard how she planned to do it. It just hadn't registered at the time.

Arthur had been created because his mother Igraine, thought that Uther was her husband. That is a trick so elemental that even a half Atlantean can pull it off.

Maria knew that a full Atlantean Priestess could fool Arthur into fucking the family cat, thinking it was her. She'd told me to trust her. Did I mention how much I loved my wife??!!

Maria had convinced Arthur to take her to his rooms during my "joust" with Sir Sagamore. She had given Arthur the full treatment; little touches and heated glances, all designed to stoke his fire. He was at a rolling boil by the time they got to his place.

The minute the door closed he had grabbed her by a tit and one butt cheek and kissed her deeply. She allowed him a couple of seconds, long enough for her to glance around and find the weapon. Then she broke the clinch and said, "What is THAT thing?"

Arthur tried to get her back into his embrace, but she fought him off and walked over to the weapon. Maria told me that Excalibur was about four feet long and made of ultimatium, which is very light and exceptionally strong. It is only found on Rigel alpha and it was originally mined by Atlantean slaves.

Maria said that the Athenians used those things as infantry weapons. The person slings it from their right shoulder and aims it with both hands, like a cannon. There's a trigger button on top that the user presses when they fire it.

She said that it fires constant pulses of energy that can destroy everything within a hundred-yard radius. So, one shot would pretty-much eliminate large elements of the Saxon army, once they had formed a shield wall.

I asked the obvious question, "So what did you do?"

She gave me a kittenish grin and said, "First I put him to sleep. He was getting a little personal with his attentions." She copped a sly look and added, "You're the only one who gets to touch me in those parts of my body."

She laughed and said, "Once I'd tucked him into bed I removed the weapon's flux capacitor. Here it is," and she held up a triangular piece of flat metal with a bunch of wiring embedded in the middle that emitted a bluish-green glow.

I got the principle. It was like the weapon's magazine. It generated the energy pulses.

She added warily, "I couldn't actually smuggle the whole cannon out. It's way too bulky and unwieldy. But the flux capacitor is what makes the weapon dangerous. Without it, it is useless."

Then she looked upset, like she had just thought of something. She said guiltily, "There was one flux pulse left in the chamber. I couldn't remove it. So, Arthur will be able to fire it once. I hope that won't change things."

I remembered what Nennius had written, back in the 9th Century, about the Battle of Badon Hill, "There fell in one day 960 men from one charge by Arthur; and no one struck them down except Arthur himself."

So that explained it. Every historian thinks that claim is fanciful. Now I knew that it was just a report of a little Athenian mischief. But, it didn't change anything in our PRESENT time line.

Then Maria smiled enigmatically and said, "I was trying to figure out what to do with my horny friend when one of the chambermaids came in to fluff Arthur's pillows."

She smiled evilly and said, "When I left Arthur was fluffing hers. I was going to use Morgan Le Fay for the substitution but the maid was handy and I wanted to get out of there before Arthur got any more ideas."

So, it was the pretty little 18-year-old chambermaid who was making all that noise down there. It was an impressive display. Maybe she would be the next Queen, now that Guinevere and Lancelot were hooked up. The important thing from my point of view was that it wasn't Maria providing the sexual accompaniment.

So, it was "mission accomplished." We had pulled the teeth of the particle cannon. It no longer threatened civilization. But, there were still three half Athenians and the world's most diabolical quarter Athenian lurking around the halls of the castle. Hence, the longer we stayed around, the more likely something would go wrong.

Maria reached into our trunk and came out with the largest of the time dilation pods. She put a message and the capacitor that she'd just stolen from Arthur into it. She held it away from her and the ensuing flash-bang lit up the room.