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*****

I spent a long miserable night in the chair beside Merrilee's bed. It reclined a little and one of the kind nurses got me a pillow and a warm blanket. I managed to sleep a little, but my mind and heart were so full of dread, and the horror of my baby having a deadly disease combined with the uncomfortable chair made me sleep in brief nightmare filled episodes.

When I awakened from one of those evil dreams, the room was light and Dr. Morgan was writing on her tablet, standing at the foot of Merrilee's bed. "Good morning," she said. "I have a treatment plan worked out. May I explain it to you?"

"Yes, of course," I said. "Can I get a cup of coffee or something, first?"

"Yes, just go across the hall and there is a pot there. I should have brought you one," she said. "Do you need something to eat?"

The thought of eating anything made me feel sick. "No, just some coffee," I said.

When I got back, we sat together beside my sleeping angel and she told me what was going to happen. "The first thing we're going to do is get her a central-line catheter," she explained.

"What's that?" I asked. "I'm sorry, but I don't know very much about medicine."

She patted my arm. "Honey, no one does," she said. "We need to give her chemotherapy, and there will be a lot of it. We can't stick her with needles all the time. It would be cruel, and it's just impossible. This will be a line that goes into her upper chest and all the way into her heart. It's not dangerous so long as we keep the entry clean. We'll show you how to take care of it. It's a surgical procedure, and she'll need to be in surgery to get it."

"Okay, I guess she needs it," I said.

"Yes, she does. Once we get this done, we can start her treatments. I have her scheduled for 10 AM."

I nodded, then remembered. "Nathan... my ex-husband is coming here. He's the blood donor I told you about. I'm supposed to call him at 10."

"Is he her father?" she asked.

That brought the panic to the surface and I began to cry. How many tears did I have? "I don't..." I couldn't get the words out.

She hugged me. "It doesn't matter," she said. "You'll have to call him earlier, or you can call him while she's in surgery, okay?" She handed me the box of tissues.

I nodded. I dried my eyes and blew my nose. "Yes. When will she need to be ready?"

"We'll let her sleep as long as she wants," she said. "If she's still asleep when it's prep time, we'll wake her up."

She was still asleep at nine, and two men, dressed in surgical wear came pushing a bed on wheels into the room.

I woke her up. "Baby, we need to go with these men," I told her. "You are going to get a tube in you so you can get medicine to help you not be sick anymore."

She smiled up at the men and one of them asked, "Can I pick you up and move you to this other bed?"

"Yes," she nodded. "Can Claire come?"

He looked confused for a minute until she held Claire up for him to see. He smiled. "Yes, she can come. When we take you into the other room, can Claire stay with your mom?"

Merrilee nodded. "Yes, her and Mom are friends."

We left the room and rode the elevator down two floors. When we got to the surgery, they handed Claire to me, and rolled Merrilee through a set of double doors. They left the doors open so she could still see me and placed a mask on her. I saw one of them open a valve and Merrilee looked at me. I could see a look of panic in her eyes, then they gently closed. I didn't realize I was crying until I felt the hot liquid fall on my arm. "It's okay," one of the guys patted me on the shoulder. "This isn't dangerous, and the surgeon is very good. We'll keep her safe and it will be over in about an hour. You go to the waiting room and as soon as she goes to recovery, we'll come and get you so you can be there when she wakes up."

I made my way on my wobbly legs with my blurred vision to the waiting room. I sat there, in shock for a moment, then something came swimming up from the back of my mind. I needed to call Nathan.

He answered on the second ring. "Is everything okay with your daughter?" I almost broke down. It was so like him. He was worried about Merrilee, even with everything else that he had to be thinking.

"She's in surgery getting a thing so they can give her chemo," I told him.

"Good," he said. "I'm at the airport, Alyssa. My flight boards in 40 minutes. I'll land there just before noon. What hospital is she in?"

I gave him the information. "Nathan, I..."

He cut me off. "It doesn't matter, Alyssa. Take care of her and we can find some answers, get everything out when I get there, okay?"

I sniffed. "Yes, Nathan... thank you. I know... she needs..."

"Yes, I know. I'll be there. Take care of her."

He was gone. I could feel the pages flipping in my head.

*****

Merrilee was as happy as a little lark. There was some bag of something dripping into her new central line, she had taken some pills and a bitter-tasting liquid, the nurse had given her a bag of cheese and onion flavored chips to take any "yucky" taste away. I was watching her little "cheese" colored fingers work on emptying the bag. There was a sound at the door, and when I looked up, Nathan was there.

Panic gripped my heart like the jaws of a vice. I stood up and quailed as his eyes took in the scene. I had gone to the car while Merrilee was in surgery, got my least slutty-looking outfit, taken a shower and put on enough makeup to cover the lingering bruises. I knew what he saw, though.

"Nathan..."

He put his fingers to his lips, beckoned to me and stepped outside before Merrilee saw him. "Mama is going just outside in the hall," I told her. "Call if you need me." She nodded and I walked out, my heart thudding a million beats a minute.

"How do you want to handle this?" he asked when I stood in front of him, terror freezing me.

I finally found my voice. "You mean... who you are?"

He nodded. "Maybe I can just be the person giving her blood for now," he said. "Alyssa, I want a DNA test done, as soon as possible."

"Nathan... are you... are you going to try to take her away from me if... if..."

"Good God, Alyssa! No, but if I'm her father I want to know, and I want to be part of her life. Surely you can understand that. I'm not a monster who takes some kid away from her mother, no matter what you think about me."

"I... I... I never thought you were a monster," I managed to stammer. "She's... she's all I have, Nathan. Please don't take her away from me. She's all I have." I broke down, in spite of all my promises to myself and to God. I started to collapse, and he was there, holding me up, supporting me, and I clung to him like I was drowning and he was a life preserver.

It took me a few minutes to get myself together, and he held me. I never wanted to move. The memories crowded my mind, flooding over me and I felt safe there, as if the hideous nightmare I'd made of my life could dissolve there in his arms. I knew it couldn't be. I wasn't that starry-eyed girl, that incredibly naivé idiot. Alyssa, the "actress." I was Alyssa, the stripper, the filthy whore. I didn't deserve to touch him. I would make him as unclean as I was. I stepped back.

"Thank you," I managed to whisper. "I already got them to do a DNA test on her. You need to get one done."

"I did," he said. "I should have the results tomorrow. We'll just need to get them compared."

"Do you want to meet her now?" I asked.

His face lit up like a neon sign. "Please," he said. As I turned, and just before we entered the room, he put his hand on my arm. "I'm not going to try to take her, Alyssa. I can see you love her."

I nodded and we went in. She was watching a cartoon and just glanced at us. "Baby, I want to introduce you to someone," I got her attention. "This is... Nathan. He's here because he has the same kind of blood you do, and he's going to give you his blood when you need it."

Her dimples popped out with her smile. "Hello, Nathan," she said. "Thank you for helping me. I hate getting needles in me, so I know you must not like it. If you stay, we can be friends. I'm Merrilee. This is Claire." She held Claire up so he could see her.

"Can I hold Claire?" he asked, his voice incredibly gentle.

"Yes, but not too long," she said. "I'm sick and she takes care of me."

He took Clair and hugged her. "Thank you for taking care of Merrilee," he told her. He handed her back and stood there for a minute, his eyes never leaving Merrilee's face. "Would you mind if I sat down by you on your bed and we can talk for a while?" he asked.

She skootched over a little. "Yes, but can we wait until the cartoon is over before we talk?"

"Absolutely." He sat on the bed and turned his attention to the TV. I watched them and saw her little hand reach out and slip into his big one. I nearly lost it. I was feeling so threatened, so emotional, so... every feeling imaginable, even hopeful, something I hadn't felt in a very long time.

Nathan spent the afternoon with her, and he was absolutely charming. He told her silly jokes, inspiring her to make up ones just as silly, and they became completely comfortable with each other while I became increasingly agitated. He finally sensed my mood and told Merrilee he was going to talk to me, outside. She said she was going to take a nap, and she was soon dreaming. He disengaged the hand she had been holding all afternoon and we stepped outside.

There was a little conference room across the hall where the coffee pot was, and he steered me in, got us both a cup of coffee and we sat in facing chairs.

"Alyssa, have you thought about what we're going to do if I'm her father?" he asked.

"Yes, a little bit since we've been here," I said. "I swear to God, Nathan, I had no idea..."

"It doesn't matter," he said. "Tell me what you were thinking."

I didn't know where to start. "Do you think you could love her?" I asked.

"I already do," he said. "God, how could anyone not love her?"

"I don't know," I said. "I know I do. What if she's not, Nathan? What if she's not yours?"

"How likely do you think that is?"

I thought a minute. "Not very likely," I finally decided. "I swear to you, Nathan, I never knew her blood type. She's never been sick and needed a blood test before."

"I believe you," he said. "Do you live here in Omaha?"

I had no idea what to say. How could I possibly describe the shit-pile of my life? "Not really," I said. "I had a gig..." I just couldn't.

"It doesn't matter," he said. "How long is she going to be in the hospital?"

"Dr. Morgan says like 28 days," I said.

"Where are you going to live after she's released?" he asked.

"I hadn't planned anything," I was becoming very upset, barely keeping it together.

"I have an idea," he said. "If she's mine, what would you think about coming back to Mobile and staying with me? She needs a stable place, Alyssa. I don't think 28 days will be the end of it. Did the doctor tell you anything?"

"Yes, they said she will be in remission when she's released and that she'll have two years of chemo, then they'll monitor her for five years."

"See, she needs to have a stable life, Alyssa."

"I know. God, Nathan, don't you think I know? I... We don't have anywhere, no one..." I couldn't go on.

"That's what I'm telling you," he said. "I will do anything for her, Alyssa. If she's my daughter, and I believe she is, everything I have is hers."

"What about..." I choked and couldn't get it out.

"You can stay with me, too," he said. "She needs her mother. I know it will be hard for us. I'm not talking about anything between us but being her parents. You understand?"

I nodded. "I'll think about it, Nathan. Thank you. You're being incredibly kind, but then you've always been..."

"Good," he said. "Let's go back in there and watch her sleep. I've... I've missed out on five years of watching her."

"I'm so sorry..." I fled. I found a restroom and sat in a stall, crying bitter tears until my eyes ran dry. I was a fucking mess, but Merrilee needed me. I composed myself as best I could. When I got to the room, he was sitting in a chair by her bed and she had found his hand in her sleep.

*****

The DNA comparison had a line at the bottom: "Based on our analysis and on the statistical analysis of the results, it is practically proven that subject B is the biological father of subject A."

"I knew it!" Nathan was elated. "When can we tell her, Alyssa?"

We were sitting in the little conference room. I was incredibly conflicted. This was what I hoped, what I wanted, but what would this mean? I had no idea. I was at sea without a rudder. I had to say something. Merrilee was getting a breathing treatment.

"As soon as she gets back?"

"Yes, thank you, Alyssa. I promise you won't be sorry," he said.

I had to smile. "I already am," I said.

He grinned that disarming look he had, pulled me to my feet and danced me around the room. A nurse came by and stared at us, shook her head with a smile and left. He practically dragged me back to the room and had a goofy smile permanently fixed on his face.

When they brought Merrilee back, he snatched her out of the rolling bed and tucked her into hers. "I... your mother and I have something to tell you," he said, as soon as the nurses were gone.

"Is it something good?" she asked. "Am I getting out of the hospital? Me and Claire want a cheeseburger."

I hugged her, sitting on one side of her while Nathan sat on the other, both of us holding her hands.

"No, baby, we aren't getting out of the hospital yet," I said. "It will be a while longer. We'll get you a cheeseburger, though. This is something else. You know how they took your blood and tested it?"

She nodded. "Yes, I remember."

"Well, they tested Nathan's blood, too, and we found something out. This was before you were born, honey, but Mama and Nathan used to be married. When they tested Nathan's blood, we found out that he's your father."

Her eyes got big and round. She looked at my face, then his, and back to mine. "Really?"

He put her hand to his cheek and nuzzled it. "Really," he said. "You're my baby, too, Merrilee. Do you think you'll like having me for a Dad?"

"I like you," she said. "I never had a dad before. It's always been just me and Mama."

"I know," he said. "Do you think you might have room for me to love you, too?"

She thought for a minute. "I still get to have Mama?"

"Yes, baby. You'll have me," I assured her. I meant it, but I was so afraid, so deep into the thought I wouldn't allow to come into consciousness.

She thought for another moment. "Then yes, I want you to be my dad, Nathan. Claire likes you, too."

He snatched her up and hugged her like he was never going to let her go. "Thank you, Merrilee," he said. "I promise you that I'll be the best dad I can. I have something else to ask you."

She leaned back and looked up at him. "What?"

"When you get out of the hospital, do you think you would like to come and live at my house? I have a dog, and a big yard. You and Mama can stay with me while you still need to go to the doctor. Do you think you would like that?"

She considered that, too. "Yes, I think I would like that. We've never lived in a house before. What kind of a dog do you have, and what's his name? I like BIG dogs."

He gave me a strange look when she mentioned "never lived in a house" thing, but he got involved in telling her about the dog.

"Well, this one is a big dog," he said. "He's an Irish Wolfhound, and his name is Billy." He got out his phone and started showing her pictures.

"He's so fluffy!" Merrilee was obviously in love, and I was terrified. Things seemed like they were out of my control. My baby was sick; the dearest treasure of my heart was in a hospital and there was not a thing I could do about it. Nathan was her father, and he was obviously not going to be taking any backseat role in her life. Where did that leave me? I was lost, lost in the shuffle, and I decided right there in that hospital room that this was a good thing.

I got my bag, walked to the bed and held my baby. I kissed her, told her I was going for a little walk, and gave her back to her father. I looked back at them before I walked out the door. He was holding her on his lap, the lines from her chemo drooping down from her pole and she was laughing up into her father's face, talking about how much she was going to love her dog. I smiled. This was best. She was where she belonged, and I didn't. Broken, nothing left, just emptiness and a sense that I had made it far enough to see Merrilee with her father, happy and secure.

I made my slow way down the hall, got on the elevator and rode down to the lobby. There were people hurrying on their busy way, things to do. Just a normal day in their lives. Out the door and onto the sidewalk. The sun was shining, it was a beautiful day.

I walked down the sidewalk and there was a food truck there. I remembered that I had promised Merrilee a cheeseburger. I stopped and asked the cook if he could deliver a sandwich to a little girl with cancer in the hospital. He wouldn't take my money, but he promised to take her the cheeseburger. I felt good. He was a good man. He gave me faith in humanity, in Nathan. He was a good man, too. I would bring nothing but pain to her life.

I saw the bus coming. It was a block away. I walked to the front of the food truck and stepped into the gap between it and the car parked in front. I could hear the diesel engine of the bus approaching. The rhythm was the rhythm of my heart. It was there, it was time. I lifted my foot to step into the street. Of all the images to flash through my mind at that moment, it was one of the most absurd. It was the image of Merrilee, standing in the door of a sleazy hotel room, peeking around to see if I was awake, dragging Claire by the foot as she ran joyfully to climb in bed with me. Motherhood, dragging a doll by the foot.

I released the breath I didn't know I was holding and carefully put my foot back to the pavement. I was Merrilee's mother, and she needed me. Not the me that I had become, but a better me. She would never abandon Claire as I was about to abandon her. My eyes were full of tears and I turned, hardly able to see, eyes on the ground in shame at what I had almost done. I took a step and he was there. I bumped against his body and he seized me by the shoulders, pushing me against the front of the food truck.

"What the fuck, Alyssa!" His voice was not gentle. It was rough and filled with emotion, a barely held rage. "You were going to step in front of that bus, weren't you?"

I couldn't meet his eyes. I was falling to pieces, the brokens shards of me slipping away. I could only nod. He shook me. "God damn you, Alyssa!" His hand drew back, and as I cowered away, I saw his eyes blazing at me. He caught himself and the fire slowly banked.

"No!" he gathered me in his arms, squeezing me tightly. "My God, girl, what the hell has happened in your life?"

I couldn't speak, only cry and tremble as he held me in those strong arms.

"It doesn't matter," he said. "Forget about that. Tell me why you changed your mind. I wasn't going to let you do that, by the way."

I was paralyzed, but he took my chin in his hand and tilted my face up, forcing me to meet his eyes.

"I thought she would be better off with you, and without me." The floodgates were opened and the words wouldn't stop pouring out of me. "It was Claire. I thought about how much Merrilee loves her, that I should love Merrilee more than she loves Claire. I can't leave her, Nathan. I can't. I know I'm a horrible person, but I'm going to try to change. Do you know, the morning I found out she was... sick, I was going to your parent's house. I was going to ask them to keep her. They are the best people I know, and I thought... I thought I was destroying her life."