All Comments on 'Tybalt and Juliet Ch. 04'

There is too much minutia and it detracts from the quality of the story. Put yourself in our shoes, we’re waiting for the drama and excitement to develop and it is diluted by all the unnecessary understory that adds nothing to the ideas you’re trying to convey. I appreciate your effort to entertain but you’re doing a disservice to you story.

You have nailed the mix of teenage over confidence and angst brilliantly.

She loves his chest and abs, and "the little hairs." Sexy and delightful

I disagree strongly with the assessment that "There is too much minutia'. The details convince us that the characters are real people, with real lives. We are seeing a "first time" story where it isn't just the sex which is first time. The characters are growing up and expanding their horizons. This includes choices about further education, getting through exams, and forming relationships (sexual or not). I especially appreciate the portrayal of Amy, who insists on the one hand that they go slow, while on the other hand is the aggressor when the teens manage to get some private time. This is really excellent writing for any author, let alone someone who is posting for the same time and is so shy that we don't get any personal details. I appreciate the comments that the author makes about the writing process and about the challenges of this story in particular. I would love SpindleTop to reveal some more details about themselves. In particular I would like to understand why an author who clearly is British (from the extensive details of daily life and school) has chosen a pen name which is the name of a famous early oil field in Texas.

My main aim for this chapter was to explore Jake’s relationship with the other important woman in his life, namely Lauren. I hope I’ve shown that very are close to each other, but Amy’s confusion in Chapter 1, was meant to hint that the relationship between the cousins looks perhaps a little strange from the outside. I’ve tried to develop this idea further in this chapter, by bringing out the manipulative side of Lauren’s character - she’s certainly able to wrap Jake around her little finger (and Danny as well). I don’t want to say too much more at this stage, but there’s the potential for some friction to develop as Jake’s relationship with Amy strengthens.

The next two chapters will focus on Jake and Amy again, as they finally get the time alone that they’ve been craving!

As one of the commenters has guessed, I am British and was born, raised and educated in southeast England, maybe thirty or forty miles from London. Jake’s ‘world’ is based on a combination of two towns and three villages in the area where I spent much of my childhood. I am not a vet, have never lived on a farm and did not go to Cambridge University! I do a lot of writing in my day job, but it’s exclusively of a technical nature; this really is my first attempt at creative writing since I took my English GCSE exams at the age of sixteen. There were several reasons for choosing my pen name ‘SpindleTop’, but most importantly it hints at the place where I now live.

I'm still loving it.

Interesting that I would be, given the triviality

of who sits where at the Prom????

That's mega-thin for me...:+))

However, I AM enjoying the authenticity of it all...

So my license to whine is limited...:+))

Hi KingCuddle

Thanks for your feedback. You seem to be moving through the chapters at pace! I’m glad you’re enjoying the story.

This was a difficult chapter to write. Obviously it concludes with the revelation that Lauren has got together with Danny behind Jake’s back, but I didn’t want it to be an implausible shock to the reader and so I used the who-sits-next-to-whom ‘plotting’ to prepare the ground. (Remembering back to my own prom, heated (and sometimes tearful) discussions of seating plans went on for weeks…)

I was also trying to inject a little humour as I explored the ‘small world’ mentality of a high school senior. I’m not sure I was entirely successful in that regard (I possibly set myself too big a challenge, given my very limited experience of creative writing). Looking back at this chapter now, I think I would probably cut some of the detail on the first couple of pages and focus the plot a little more.

Thanks and best wishes,

SpindleTop

I'm loving the story, but I must say I'm somewhat put out (and disappointed) at the response to Ritchie's sexual assault, especially the isolation of Amy from her peers at school, confining her to the admin office while Ritchie gets to act out his Head Boy role immune from consequences. It just seems that Amy is given no agency at all in the response, which seems an unfortunately disempowering outcome from an incident where Ritchie didn't respect her agency. Sadly, while it's far from ideal on so many levels, it's still no doubt true to life. I haven't read ahead, but will be rooting for karma to set things to rights at some point ;-)