All Comments on 'Tybalt and Juliet Ch. 15'

ive followed this series since it started. i checked the site everyday for a new chapter and was always so happy when a new one was released. thank you so much to the author, who has let this ugly, awkward boy sitting at his computer at least have the chance to dream about romance and sex. it wasnt just about the sex (although that was a huge part). it was about the idealistic yet realistic and exciting romance. this was and will always be my favorite literotica series. ill miss it more than you can know.

I’ve enjoyed your story. Leave Richie out of the picture he adds nothing to the story now. She is on the pill you can get rid of the condoms.

I have enjoyed all 15 chapters enormously and I could sense it was coming to an end although I didn't want to know that there wouldn't be another chapter waiting for me the next time I opened Literotica!

Wonderful writing that made your story so real and brought back memories of that time so many years ago when I was in quite similar circumstances.

And Yes, I was turned on many times, which is not so easy these days in my 70's!

I hope you move on to a novel as I think you could do a great job with your so believable characters and so real situations.

Thank you!

So, I've been reading on here for years now, but I only just now figured out that I could comment without creating an account. Since I have just finished reading your story yesterday, this is now my first ever feedback.

First of all, I think it sort of speaks for itself that I've stuck with this story for 15 chapters. Overall, it was a really good reading experience, and I don't just mean the sex. That was extremely well executed too, but I think you really managed to capture a specific time in life that most people know, with all it's excitement and drawbacks.

However, I also have some minor criticism.

First, I didn't care too much about the whole Richie story arc. While I understand what you were going for in terms of character development, it felt a bit out of place the way it was executed. Also, the POV inner monologue was a bit too much at times. Maybe that's just me being happy that I'm no longer a teenager, but the amount of overthinking and self-doubt going on felt somewhat unnerving sometimes. Same for the repeated dialogue (e.g. "I love you, I really do!" or "You like that, you like that?", just from this chapter). I guess some of that was meant to portray character idiosyncracies, but using that all the time made the characters appear a bit thick at times, so maybe a bit less could have been more here.

Now, since I don't want this to sound like overcritical feedback to a very good story, I'll end by letting you know that your epilogue is outstanding. Like, probably the best one I have ever read on here. It's short, it dares to actually leave an open end and not go either "and today they are married and have 40 kids" or "and then they never met again and died in a ditch", the likes of which I read A LOT on here, and it really hits the perfect spot between melancholy and happiness. You also found the perfect spot to end this story, btw.

So, all things considered, an awesome effort. Really looking forward to what's coming next!

@anonymous Thank you very much for your very detailed critique of the story - this is exactly the sort of feedback that I was hoping for. Please don’t worry about offending me/upsetting me - I’d like to think I have a pretty thick skin and a well-justified negative comment is extremely helpful. Please be assured that your comments are not overcritical in the slightest.

- Ritchie’s story arc: It’s interesting what you’ve written about Ritchie. My feeling is that he works well as a ‘villain’ up until the prom, but if I’m honest, at that point I wasn’t entirely sure what to do with him. I wanted his presence to be felt hanging over the remaining chapters, but didn’t want another meeting between him and either Jake or Amy (which is why I locked him up). For me, the weakest point of the whole series comes in Ch 10, when Jake explains the history of the animosity between him and Ritchie - in hindsight this section is not as thought through as I would have liked and I don’t think it satisfies the reader in the way that it should. I’d be very interested to hear if you or others have further thoughts.

- Sex: I’m glad you enjoyed it! I find it very difficult to write about sex (especially blowjobs for some reason), because I feel what I’m putting on the page is very mechanical and anatomical - and perhaps a bit formulaic (he did this, she felt that etc). But if the result has been ‘satisfying’, maybe I shouldn’t have worried so much! :)

- POV inner monologue: I kind of know what you mean. I wasn’t conscious of it at the time, but I realise now that whenever there’s a gathering of his friends, Jake notes that it’ll be one of the last times that they’re all together (for example). I guess this is partly a trap set by writing in instalments, so thoughts that might only be mentioned a couple of times in a published book, crop up too regularly in my chapters. I suspect I do lay the teenage angst and introspection on a little too thickly at times. Do you have any particular examples in mind? Again, I’d be very interested to hear if you or others have further thoughts.

- Repetition: This is something I don’t notice when I’m writing or checking for typos before submission and I think I just need to give myself more time to step away from my text, so I can return with fresh eyes for a final look before publishing. Often repetition occurs when I’ve written paragraphs with similar phrases at different times (weeks apart), which then end up being very close to each other in the finished version (sometimes there’s been text in between that I’ve deleted). This is something I need to be more conscious of in the future - thank you for highlighting this for me.

- Epilogue: I did struggle a little with how to end the series - I wrote a couple of pages that were set during the Christmas vacation, including a trip abroad for Jake and Amy, plus another meeting with Billy, but I was deeply unhappy with the draft that was emerging. The conclusion that I eventually chose is ‘inspired by’ a book called ‘The Railway Children’ by Edith Nesbit (published in 1905 - out of copyright so you can find the text online). In that story, the father comes home after not seeing his wife and children for an extended period, and the book ends with him going through the front door into their house for the reunion, which the narrator does not allow us to witness, instead telling us that we (the reader) should step back to give the family their privacy. As you say, I think it’s a good way of leaving readers feeling optimistic about the characters’ futures (and giving them the freedom to imagine what those futures might be), while also avoiding too much sentimentality.

Thank you again for your critique and also for sticking with me for the past ten months or so! Please feel free to add to your thoughts if you would like to. They really do help me to approach my work with a more critical eye and will help me to improve my writing in the longer term.

SpindleTop

One of two authors i have enjoyed. Mainly because both write well and have a command of the English language.

When an author’ ability to describe a woman is limited to stating her bra size or a man by referencing a tape measure, I close the story and look elsewhere. That kind of writing is tedious, childish, and unsatisfying.

Excellent story telling. Keep on writing! As the Brit’s say: “well done.” ... and don’t listen to those who tell you to change the narrative; that would be a different story.

Well written and edited, which makes for pleasant reading. Enjoyed the story, interesting twists and turns, realistic and exciting sex.

May I make some minor and, hopefully helpful criticisms. Would a nicely brought up English boy roar or yell as he ejaculates? I struggle with this when I write, but this grates a bit. And, come to that, would said boy use fuck and cunt so often,especially in front of a lady?

Little detail - as she seems to have a well lubricated vagina, why woud he need to use lub? Last time I used one, many years ago, it waslubricated anyway.

5*

Thank you to Barcomber for your kind feedback.

Jake is a ‘son of the soil’ and he’s used to using coarser language - I think this is realistic for a normal British male teenager (not necessarily one raised on a farm). (As you say, he is well brought up and he knows when these words should be avoided.) In contrast, Amy does not swear at all in the first of the story and Jake expresses surprise when she uses the word ‘fucking’ twice in successive sentences in Chapter 9 (when the two of them are together in his bedroom after they’ve received their exam results). One of the ways that I try (crudely) to show Amy’s character changing, is to get her to use swear words more frequently as time goes on.

I’ve had a quick check back, but I think that the word ‘cunt’ is only used four times in total over the fifteen chapters. Jake uses the word only twice (in quick succession, to describe Ritchie in Chapter 7 in the ‘bathroom confrontation’ scene when Amy is not present). Amy herself uses the word in Chapter 14, during an aggressive sex scene, but this seemed to be the right word to use, and perhaps signifies that she has lost all inhibitions in the heat of the moment. (The other person that uses the word ‘cunt’ is Billy, and he does this to describe himself when talking to Jake.)

Jake does use ‘fuck’ a lot, particularly when bantering with his male friends (and also with Lauren - a ‘daughter of the soil’), but again I think this is realistic for a British male teenager. It’s true he does use the word ‘fuck’ (and its variants) in front of Amy when they are making out and, in later chapters, having sex - and perhaps you are right that I should have ‘ramped up’ his use of this word in front of her more gradually - but my aim in choosing their language was to achieve a contrast between the more ‘worldly’ Jake and the more ‘innocent’ Amy. (Perhaps one of the aspects that I struggled with the most is to make Jake and Amy sound different when they are talking.)

I think you are right that the couple may not strictly need to use lube by the time we get to Chapter 15, however you may have noticed that there is a degree of ‘ritual’ in the way that they get ready to have sex - i.e. it’s Amy’s job to put the condom on Jake and after that she applies lube to make sure that he is fully prepared. Of course, when she is dressed as the witch, her fake nails don’t allow her to do this - so Jake has to do it instead - and perhaps that is the start of that ‘ritual’ breaking down or becoming more loosely observed. (Incidentally, I did have in mind an epilogue scene set about three weeks after Chapter 15, when Amy visits Jake in Cambridge and, as part of his 19th birthday present, announces that she is on the pill and that they can dispense with condoms altogether. But in the end I decided to end the story with Jake getting on the train at King’s Cross - I think this was the right point to ‘let them go’. So I will leave you to imagine what happened next!)

Your most promising chapter!

Why?

Because you moved beyond your repetitive actions and dialog lines!

The Witch and Wizard covered their behavior in a NEW way!

NOW....Do that with all the redundant passages throughout!

There are no great writers; only great re-writers...like All of Us!!

Fantastic character development ... Really great story line ... very good pacing - like quality foreplay ... overall quite erotic! 🙂😎👍

I really liked this story and would like to see it continued. There are plenty of opportunities for drama at college with the distance between them and the temptations of college life. I agree that Richie storyline has ran it’s course, but adding another potential college suitor for Amy could ramp up the tension.

Thank you for an enjoyable read.

Great story! Do you still intend to “pick the story up again”?

Whatever the future brings at least she will always have fond memories of shaking his spear.

Excellent and well written