U-N-I Ch. 15

He was quiet for a moment then said,

"I don't wanna be by myself," his voice was full of tears and emotion as if he was trying to stop himself from crying, "I miss you. I don't know how to be without you."

"I miss you too," I breathed sadly.

For a moment, we didn't speak. He let out another heavy sigh and spoke,

"But you're not coming back..."

"No," I answered, slightly shaking my head.

I closed my eyes and almost felt like I was right there with him, holding him. At that moment, I wished I could have taken all of his pain away, even though I was the one causing it.

I felt horrible after ending the call. He had finally admitted that he wasn't enjoying being in the position he was in and that being this famous made him feel sad and depressed most of the time, when he used to love it before. I could only hope that he was finally going to start acknowledging the fact that he needed help to better deal with fame. He was beginning to realize that addiction was affecting him. Going out all the time and drinking too much was one thing but getting high on drugs was another one.

I had expected him to try cocaine. I was even sort of waiting for him to take that next step and I already knew that when he did, I would not let him get away with it. I had to stop him from getting into drugs because if I didn't do anything the first time, he'd do it again... and he'd start lying... and he'd shut me out even more... and then he'd be so much harder to make him stop. I couldn't let him develop a tragic relationship with drugs that he wouldn't be able to get out of. If he started using them to cope and manage the overwhelming pressure, it would just give him some temporary relief and he may continue despite knowing the negative consequences. This was already the reason why he was going out and partying so much instead of being one hundred percent dedicated to the band like he used to be.

He had managed to make most people think that he was happy, that he 'had it all'. But I wasn't being fooled. I knew how hard it was for him to cope with fame, stardom, wealth, the pressure to perform, the high expectations, and most importantly the public scrutiny that went along with it. Lately, it sometimes felt like we had a perfect storm swirling around us that could have led anyone down a treacherous path of destruction. I knew addiction was a progressive illness and that things would only get worse if we didn't address the problem.

During the next few days, I found it incredibly hard to fight the urge to call or text him several times a day about every little thing that was going on. I was so used to sharing everything with him that his absence was at times unbearable. I missed hearing his voice; I missed talking with him, laughing with him, kissing him, feeling his body close to mine in the morning... There was this feeling of emptiness in my heart that I wasn't used to and that I wasn't sure I would be able to fill without him. But no matter how bad I was missing him, I knew that I had to give him space, even if he didn't think he needed any. He had to learn how to take control of his own life again, to understand why he was sad, without me.

Every time I felt the need to call him, I'd back down because I just couldn't hear his voice again. I knew that if I called him, he might say something that would make me want to be on the next flight home. But I couldn't do that, not yet. So, I tried to remind myself of the many reasons why I had made the decision to leave. They were all valid ones, but for some reason, when I found myself missing him, they didn't seem so valid anymore. But I had sworn to myself that I would not go back to him unless he went to LA, or at least some sort of therapy, and I was determined to stick to my word.

I loved him and I missed him but I was also very angry with him. I didn't need any apologies from him. I knew what he was going through and I couldn't blame him for finding it hard to adjust to life as a celebrity. He had lost his freedom little by little, much more than I had, and now he was starting to lose himself. But he had stopped making me and the band a priority. He had stopped caring about anything I said to him and he had shut me out. He had taken our success for granted, not wanting to work much to stay at the top, and he had taken me for granted. And it fucking hurt.

We could not go forward as long as he refused to get the help he needed, and the band couldn't go forward either. Our relationship, the band, the two were linked. We couldn't really have one without the other.

Since I couldn't talk to him, but I felt the need to keep some sort of connection with him, I was on the phone with Rachel or Dylan every day so they'd tell me how he was doing and if he was considering going to LA. Jane, his mother, had called me several times to understand better what was going on and I knew she was in London to talk some sense into him, and so was his father.

In New York, I was staying with a friend called Jimmy. I needed to keep myself busy and playing music seemed to be all I could do to not lose my mind over Rob. I didn't feel much like working and I wasn't very focused on anything we were doing in the studio but I had promised Jimmy that I'd come to New York to edit some of our songs with him.

I was aware the release of our record was being postponed for now and there were no more deadlines to meet but maybe going to New York to work on a few songs made me feel like I wasn't completely giving up on the band... just in case there might be a slight chance we'd be able to do what we had promised the fans we'd do, which was to release our fourth album in October and go back on tour in April.

Jimmy owned a huge apartment in New York but he seldom would spend more than an hour at his place during the day. He led a busy life. He'd leave early in the morning and go out to various events in the evening. He was the kind of guy who lived life at hundred miles per hour. So did I actually, but for the first few days there, I needed a bit of calm and quiet to reflect on my life; so I got accustomed to his place and just enjoyed walking around New York. Then I went to work with him for a few hours in the afternoons and went out for dinner to catch up with a few friends living in New York that I hadn't seen in a while.

A whole week had gone by since I had last talked to Rob. I had spent the evening catching up with a couple of friends. I was on my way back to Jimmy's place when I got a whatsapp notification. Sitting in the back of a cab, I felt a slight adrenaline rush as I opened the app and saw it was from Rob.

"Miss you so much tonight. I'm lying in bed, bored to death and I can't stop thinking of you. I'm not even touching myself and I'm totally hard, wonder why? I wish you were here to cuddle with me baby. And then we'd make love. I miss your lips, your skin, your touch. I need to feel your body so bad, I can't handle it."

As I read, I felt my chest tighten, my stomach clench and my cock get hard. The prospect of going to bed alone became pretty excruciating. I would have loved nothing more than to feel him against me. This was exactly what stopped me from calling him. He knew what to say to make me want to run straight back and be with him. I pondered over whether I should text him back. I wasn't sure that sexting each other was a good idea but I was glad to see that, at least, he wasn't out again, drinking his sorrow away.

I was beginning to seriously miss having sex with him. It had always been very much part of our routine and lately, it was even more so. It seemed to be the only thing that brought us together and kept us connected since he would much rather fuck than talk about stuff. To me, it was beginning to feel like we spent time alone together only to have sex, which wouldn't have bothered me that much, had he not been so out of it the rest of the time.

We had never gone this long without having sex and it didn't matter whether or not I was mad at him, I was horny as hell now and I wanted to text him back. I got back to my apartment, even though it wasn't mine, but it was starting to feel like my place. I tossed my jacket on the living room couch and walked up the stairs. I began typing, feeling my erection grow harder in my jeans as I thought of him, naked, probably slowly stroking himself, wanting me.

"Just got back from dinner with Shawn and Charlotte. They're doing great. They've basically spent the whole year traveling around the world. So many things to talk about. I'm gonna grab a shower now. It might feel like something's missing in there ... namely you on your knees taking care of that hard on you just gave me."

As I entered the bathroom in my bedroom, I placed my phone down on the stone ledge, knowing I'd soon receive a text from him.

I got undressed and stepped into the shower, which was a wonder of engineering and plumbing. It was as large as a small bathroom itself. It had a smooth, gray stone floor. Throughout the stone walls, there were nozzles that sprayed water in all heights and directions. There were shower heads in all four corners, and one giant shower head located in the ceiling that rained water directly on top of you. It was heaven. I began thinking that the shower Rob and I had paled in comparison and that we definitely needed to get one of these. And then, I felt sad and a bit worried. When would I be back in London?

I thought of him, lying in bed, probably naked as the day he was born and stroking his hard, smooth, thick cock. I pictured him playing with himself as I chose the water functions I wanted. The water was instantly warm and felt incredible against my body. I was a bit tense so I sighed in relief as some of the water pounded my shoulders, wishing Rob's hands were on me, massaging my shoulders and kissing my neck. I reached for the shower gel and started washing myself. I wrapped my hand around my cock and imagine it was Rob's ass. Though I couldn't begin to recreate the incredible feeling of being in him, the intensity of my stroking soon had me close to cumming. I stopped myself before going over the edge.

As soon as I stepped out, I grabbed a towel and quickly wiped off the excess water from my body. I picked up my phone to read his text,

"Good 4 them. Would've liked to see them again. Damn, I wish I was there with you to dry you off when you get out of the shower sexy, your body is so hot. And then I'd definitely drop to my knees and blow you til you spurt all you jizz in my mouth. Your hard dick tastes so good in my mouth. I hope you've been saving up for me. I'm so hungry 4 it"

I smiled and started stroking myself again as I rested my body against the stone ledge. It didn't take long before I could feel my cum building up and I was ready to burst again. I looked down at my cock, leaking profusely as I imagined his wet, hot mouth moving up and down my shaft. I threw my head back and came hard, shooting several long, white streams of cum onto my abdomen. Once my dick stopped spurting, I rinsed the cum off my hand and texted him back,

"Defo been savin' up. Got cum all over my chest now. It was awesome. You'd love to lick this off me. I might need another shower now"

I stepped into the shower again and washed the cum off my chest before reading his response,

"What a shame it's not in my mouth. I would've swallowed it all. I bet ur still hard. I wish you'd take me to bed, lick me all over and then fuck the cum right out of me. Your cock would feel so good inside of me I'd probably shoot without touching myself. I miss this. I miss you."

I walked over to my bed, climbed under the covers and started typing, pretty sure he hadn't cum yet,

"I miss you too. I'd love to kiss and lick you all over till my tongue runs up and down your crack and makes you tremble when I push it in and out to open you up. I'd make you beg for my cock. Then I'd shove it in you and pound your ass as hard as you want till I feel the cum blast out of you. I know how much you love to cum with my dick buried deep inside you. I love that too"

It didn't take him very long to answer,

"Damn, now I've got cum all over too and my hole is tingling, waiting for you. So when R U coming home to do that with me?"

I hesitated, not sure I wanted to ruin the moment, but finally typed,

"Nice try. When R U flying to LA?"

"I'd much rather fly to NY."

"I bet you would. I guess we'll have to keep having this daydream that one of us is inside the other, in some way :) until one of us gives in! U know it won't be me, so why wait?

'You're really not letting this go, are you?"

"I'm really not."

"Right now, I hate you just as much as I love you ;)"

"I know. Right back at you ;)"

"Good night. I might be dreaming of all the dirty things I'd like to do with you if you don't mind!"

"I don't mind. I know I'll wake up with something pointy and hard in my underwear. your sexy body will be all I think about when I jack off. Good night"

Over the next few nights, we continued texting each other and I was kinda looking forward to it, almost wanting to text him as soon as I woke up in the morning, which he did a couple of times. I'd always think that we probably ought to stop though because I didn't really know where we stood and it was kind of confusing.

I started going out more with Jimmy in the evening, and I knew Rob was often out again because he wouldn't text me as much and Rachel or Dylan would also tell me when they knew that he was out. He'd tell them that he didn't feel the need to go to therapy or that he didn't feel ready to go. They were doing their best to make him go, but at the end of the day, it was really up to him.

Jimmy led an interesting life and knew so many people. He was invited to all the trendy events, which was great. For a couple of weeks I went out every night eating out in gourmet restaurants, going to concerts, clubs, broadway plays or art galleries openings... I was having a good time, although I often wished Rob could have been there with me.

One Thursday afternoon I left Jimmy's place around 1pm to go work on editing a couple of songs I was still hoping would make the album. When I got there, a noticed there was a guy sitting on the stairs, checking his phone. I recognized him immediately.

"Hey," Damien said, smiling demurely at me. He seemed kinda reserved, as if he was apprehensive of the way I'd react.

"Hey," I said, wondering what the hell he was doing here.

I hadn't seen him, talked to him or heard from him in over two years. He looked a bit different, slightly older. He had longer hair and looked like he hadn't shaved in a day or two, which I thought suited him great. He also seemed more tanned than I remembered and it made his blue eyes stand out. I was about to ask him what he was doing here and he studied me as I searched for my words, not sure how to ask him without sounding rude.

"I'm not stalking you," he announced.

I opened my mouth to say something but for a couple of seconds, no words came out,

"That's good to know," I finally said.

He looked at me with a slight grin,

"How've you been?"

"Good," I answered as he stood up and walked closer to me.

"Yeah?" he gazed at me and added, "you look great."

We stood face to face and he began explaining his presence.

"I'm working at "The Cutting Room" with Alex Cooke... you had dinner with him on Sunday. He's friends with Jimmy. He told me you were staying with him ... and that you were alone....?" he said inquisitively.

"I wasn't alone," I replied.

He pursed his lips and tilted his head to the side,

"You weren't with your normal circle of friends either... Aren't you supposed to be super busy recording?"

"Yeah. I guess. But we're taking a break. We're all a bit burnt out. We all need some time off from the band."

"Oh," he let out a small chuckle, "you're taking a break only a few months away from the release?" he asked doubtfully.

"I don't think we're gonna release it as planned."

"Are you postponing it?" he asked a bit shocked.

"Probably, yeah," I confirmed.

"Oh. That's too bad...." he said, sensing that we might be going through a particularly difficult time, "Sooo....," he began saying hesitantly. "are you taking a break from Rob too?"

I stared at him, then looked away briefly and he smirked.

"Don't look so happy," I told him, slightly shaking my head.

"I'm not. Just wondering," he said with a shrug.

"Well...," I began saying. "I should be going in." I said, briefly turning my head toward the door of the studio. "It was nice seeing you again."

He understood that I was cutting the conversation short so he quickly added,

"Hey, there's this great coffee shop just around the corner. I'm sure you've been there. Do you wanna have coffee or something when you're done?"

I looked away and sighed,

"I don't think it's a good idea."

"Come on, Mark, it's just coffee. It'd be nice to catch up. I'd love to know how your last tour went."

I must have briefly looked like I was hesitating so he added,

"I'm actually seeing someone you know... just in case you're worried that I might be tempted to jump your bones."

"Good for you." I sniggered, knowing that he was lying, or that if he wasn't, he didn't seem to be very committed to the guy he was with,"Then, what the hell are you doing here?" I asked aggravated.

"I just want to know how you're doing. I haven't seen you in two years."

"Well, I'm doing fine. I guess you can go now that you have this information."

He noddeed with a smile,

"How long 'd'you think you're gonna be in there?" he asked.

"About three hours," I answered with a slight shrug.

"Could you maybe use a sound arranger's help? I'm free today."

"Is that how you wanna spend your day off?" I said with a small chuckle.

"I guess it is," he said, waiting for my answer.

"We don't need any help. I hope you won't still be here when I come out."

The expression on his face made it pretty clear that he might be.

I stepped closer to him and added,

"Let's make one thing clear. Why I'm here without Rob is none of your business. I'm still with him and nothing has changed."

"Alright, I get it. It's fine. I told you, I'm seeing someone. I wasn't gonna wait forever... Although just so you know, moving on wasn't easy. Why can't we just catch up over a cup of coffee. What's the big deal here?"

"I hate coffee," I answered dryly as I turned on my heels and headed toward the door of the studio.