U-N-I Ch. 32 - Coming Home Pt. 02

"Why d'you stop the car?" Rob asked full of concern.

I gripped the steering wheel tightly and didn't speak. He reached over and rubbed my shoulder lightly.

"Babe, you've been back before, it's ok."

"I know, and I feel exactly the same. I don't know - I don't know what I'm doing here," I sighed and his hand moved to the back of my neck.

"You're here because I've asked you to be," he said.

"I shouldn't have come, what's the point, it's been three years and nothing's different with her and I really don't need to see James again."

"We're here to see the old place before it's sold."

I sighed again.

"Come on, Mark, we've only got to turn that last corner and we'll be there," he said, his hand soothingly caressing the nape of my neck, making me feel safe and taken care of.

"And if we do see James - and I hope we will - then you'll finally get closure."

"Why does everybody think I need closure? I'm fine."

He didn't say anything for a moment and I still didn't re-start the car.

"Well, if you're not going to drive, then there's something I'd like to do, you're giving me no choice!" he said and took a slim leather document wallet from his footwell before he opened the door of the McLaren supercar he and Jordan had got me for my birthday.

"Rob, where're you going?"

"Wait and see," he grinned, leaving the door open.

"C'mon, what're you up to?"

I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel, my anxiety level rising with every second that passed.

"Rob, come on, what the fuck are you doing?" I yelled.

He leaned down to look at me,

"Won't be long, open the boot or whatever it is you petrol heads call it in one of these things," he said smugly.

"Oh for fuck's sake, can you not make it harder for me."

I'd vacillated about coming here since Rob and I had first talked about it but he had pleaded with me to be here with him so I'd finally agreed.

The one compromise I'd insisted on was that we came mid-week when my not-a-father might not be home, at a time he should be at work, even though the only reason Rob wanted me to come with him was for me to confront James. I could cope with speaking with my mother but seeing James again would be another matter entirely.

Hence my anxiety levels being sky-high.

I too had wanted to visit Rob's old bedroom one last time to say goodbye to it forever - this house had always been my sanctuary and somehow it felt like our eager teenaged selves were still there. But it also felt like I'd be saying goodbye to my young naïve self.

"Come on, let's go, drive on babe," Rob said as he got back into the passenger seat. I looked at him questioningly and he smiled at me.

I pressed the gas pedal and just as we turned into the road where we'd grown up Rob changed the music - it was the un-edited recording of our last tour. We filmed and recorded all the shows so we could improve on our stage performances every time we went on the road.

"Rob, what the hell?" I moved to turn it down, or preferably off, but he stopped me.

"Rob, he won't be there to hear it!" I said, hoping I was right.

"Maybe not, but I'm sure your mother will be - and maybe some of the neighbours."

He still hadn't told me what he'd been up to when he'd got out of the car.

"Is it me or does everything look," Rob paused, "smaller?" he asked as I stopped the car outside his old home.

He was right, it did and then I thought that maybe we'd been away long enough to no longer see things as we had as kids.

"Come on babe, time to say goodbye."

"Yeah," I breathed, "I suppose it is," I kept my eyes on the road ahead.

"Are you ok now?" he'd leaned close enough to speak into my ear.

"Actually no, and don't ask because I can't say why."

"Can't or won't?" Rob asked.

"Just can't, I can't even explain it to myself," I said, although I knew I was just nervous because I knew the time had come to confront James - if it turned out he was at home - and it was making me nervous as fuck.

I looked at Rob and I knew what he was feeling,

"It all began here for us, being friends, the band, the music, thelove," he said, still leaning close enough to speak into my ear.

I nodded, all that was true for both of us but there was more to it for me; one of these houses had been my hell, one had been my haven. I thought about the lyrics Rob had written all those years ago in"A Rush Of Blood To The Head" about buying this place and watching it burn. I looked at my childhood hell and imagined it in flames, obliterated, turned to a pile of ash but it wouldn't work - the memories were mine for life whether the bricks and mortar still existed or not.

"I'm here," Rob murmured, placing his hand on my cheek and I leaned into it.

I nodded again, took a deep breath and threw open my door, the music dying as I pressed the stop button to switch off the engine.

"Thank fuck for that!"

I thought I'd heard Rob mutter something like,

"Won't make any difference," but we'd both been getting out of the car so I couldn't be sure.

Then I was certain.

I could see what Rob had done,

"You have got to be," I yelled, unable to fully express my stunned surprise, lifting my arms out to my sides then letting them fall in exasperation.

On the roof of the car he'd placed two slim poles each about two feet tall, they were attached with suckers one at the front the other at the rear, between them was strung a Pride-rainbow striped banner with the words, "The Dream Team" emblazoned on it along with the band's logo.

"If he's here, he'll sure as hell know we are too!" Rob said smugly.

I shook my head, any hope I'd had to arrive and leave without being noticed had been blown well and truly out of the water.

Rob waited until I'd walked round the car to the pavement before moving away from it, he held his hand out to me which part of me wanted to pretend I hadn't noticed just in case anyone, specifically my mother, saw us, but another, the larger part, knew how that would hurt both of us so I smiled and linked my fingers with his.

Jane had arrived before us and had the door open, she was smiling as Rob and I walked up the short flight of concrete steps and pulled Rob into one of her loving, motherly, hugs as soon as he was through the door, then she did the same with me.

"Nothing's changed," Rob observed.

"I can't believe how different the place looks!" we heard Jordan say, "I wish my olds hadn't sold theirs, I think I'm gonna knock on the door and see who lives there now!"

"How come you're here already, I didn't see your car," I asked him.

"I got here about half an hour ago, Grainne dropped me off, she's gonna meet up with some friends, she's got news for them," he said and gave me a hug.

"She said yes," he whispered.

I smiled and rubbed his back,

"Congratulations!"

"Who would've thought!" Rob laughed, hugging him and congratulating him as well.

"We're coming over for dinner with my folks tonight, Jane's invite."

"Oh yes," Jane said, "I want to get to know the lucky lady."

"You're gonna love her!" Jordan said.

"Yeah, she's like the daughter-in-law you've always wished you'd had!" Rob said jokingly.

"When have I ever said that to you?" Jane asked, faking being offended.

Rob laughed and then added,

"I thought the place would be empty."

"We asked Luke if he wanted to take some of the furniture with him but he decided not to so we sold it furnished."

Rob's cousin had been living in Dublin for the past four years for his studies and now he'd got his first job in Manchester. When Rob's parents had moved out of the house, they had left most of their furniture for him to use since we had bought them new everything to decorate their new home.

"What ifwe want to take some of the furniture?" I asked.

Jane let out a small laugh,

"I guess you can take whatever you want, your dad rented the van outside for the day, there's a few things he'd left here that he now wants to bring back home, not much but since it couldn't all fit in the car... What would you want to keep?"

I smiled I loved how she referred to Rob's dad that way to me. I kind of wanted to take Rob's bed, I didn't like the idea of some stranger sleeping in it, or even worse, throwing it away. I couldn't work out why I was feeling so emotionally attached to things which had never been mine. The house. The bed?!

"Go and have a wander round, that's what you came here for," Rob's mum told us.

She headed to the kitchen with Jordan, telling him that his coffee was ready, and his dad picked up a carton box to take it to the van. Rob and I jogged upstairs, straight to his bedroom where he closed the door behind us.

"You ok?" Rob asked as he turned to me.

"Are you?" I asked back as we both looked at the room and recalled our childhood.

The room looked different, it wasn't as warm as it used to be but it was still filled with many memories.

"I wonder if it still works," Rob said, gently lifting the lid of his turntable that neither his parents nor he had chosen to take when they had moved out, "wanna take it with us?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "I know exactly where to put it at home."

I walked over to the window and stood there, watching the street below us for a moment and I suddenly felt like I was twelve again. Tears filled my eyes for the frightened, hurt, confused little boy who'd begged countless times to stay here.

"Jeez," I sighed as I wiped them away with my fingers.

"Oh babe, it's ok," Rob murmured walking over to me, he wrapped me in his arms.

"It's stupid, I'm thirty fucking years old."

"It's not stupid. I shouldn't have asked you to come here but I had this weird idea that it might help you put it all to rest once and for all."

We said nothing for long moments and a few more tears filled my eyes. I didn't try to stop them. It felt good in a way, to let it go. I knew it'd help but at that moment I was overwhelmed by the memories of being too scared to be in the house thatshould have been my home and feeling so grateful that Rob's home was always the place I could escape to.

As Rob held me in his arms, I could feel the care, support and protection he had always given me and I remembered how safe he and his parents had made me feel. All of a sudden, I wished I had the balls to barge into my parent's house and yell at them for everything they'd put me through.

"I didn't want mum and dad to sell the place you know," Rob told me.

"Why not?"

"I don't know, I guess I wasn't ready to let it go and I don't think you are either."

"Yeah, I get that but none of it was ever mine to let go of. It's weird to think that a complete stranger will soon be living here."

"Yeah, but itwon't be a complete stranger," Rob said.

"What d'you mean?"

"I mean, well, mum and dad put the house for sale because I told them I'd found someone I trusted to buy it, otherwise they would've looked for a new tenant."

"You did?" I asked as I raised my head from his shoulder.

"Yeah, I knew they wanted to sell it and not bother with having a tenant but I couldn't bear the thought of a total stranger having it."

"So who?" I raised my eyebrows as I looked at him.

"Charlie," he grinned.

"Oh you havegot to be kidding me!" I exclaimed loudly, starting to feel laughter rising within me.

"Nope."

"How the hell did you manage to arrange that?"

"Brilliantly," he giggled.

"Rob!"

"Remember after we talked about him in Italy, I told you I had a quick look on Facebook and found him super easily and that we chatted for a bit."

"Yeah but..."

"Well, he happened to tell me that he was looking to buy a house in Rathmines, so I told him my parents were thinking about selling their old home because their tenant would soon be moving out and well..."

"Why would he want to buy it?"

"Well, a short time after he asked about the house again, wanted to know if it was still for sale, said it's the perfect size and location for him, exactly what he was looking for, so I told him we'd make him a good deal if he promised to tell me or my parents the second he's thinking about moving out and putting it back on the market."

I shook my head.

"So, you know, we can still visit," Rob said suggestively.

I laughed, he always knew how to lighten up my mood,

"Oh, you can so forget it!"

"Just kidding," he chuckled.

I wasn't sure I liked the idea but it was better than the alternative and I could already feel an odd sense of relief washing over me.

"Come with me," he whispered as he kissed my neck, he led me to the bed and tilted his head towards the bare mattress, "for one last time?"

I smiled and took a few steps to lay on the side I'd always slept on as he did the same, when he was facing me, I spoke,

"So, can we talk or do you want to sleep?" I gave him a small smile.

"Oh my god," he sighed, running his hands over his face, "I sort of knew what you were going to say, that you'd worked out I'm gay, my stomach sank so fast I thought I was going to throw up," he huffed a small laugh.

"Well, you didn't really know what I was going to say, did you? And well, to be honest, neither did I, but I sure as fuck wanted you to tell me how you felt about me," I recalled.

"Oh fuck, that was the worst," he said, letting out a huff and I laughed, "I was so nervous about telling you. It was because of how I felt about you that I had no intention of coming out. If everyone knew I was gay, I didn't think you'd keep staying here in case people started saying that you must be too."

"Turns out they wouldn't have been wrong!" I said, sniggering.

"I thought that was what you were going to tell me, that you couldn't," he didn't need to say more.

"Honestly, it wouldn't have changed anything. We'd all been talking about you probably being gay for a while but not for one moment did it occur to me to not come here. To escape the hell-hole I lived in."

Rob stroked my face,

"That was the main reason I didn't want to come out. If James knew I was gay, he would have assumed you were too and god knows what he would've done to you after that," he shook his head, "I didn't want me being gay to cause you trouble you know. And after we got together, fuck," he huffed, "I was even more worried he'd find out, I couldn't wait for us to just leave."

"I know. You've always thought of me before you thought of yourself," I murmured and looked into his caring eyes.

I gave him an almost shy look,

"You can kiss me if you want," I said, closely repeating what my teenaged self had said on that fateful night.

Rob's lips formed a small smile,

"I think I might need a hug first, I feel kinda down right now," he said, looking at me with soft puppy eyes.

"Aw, come here!"

We both sat up, I moved between Rob's legs and wrapped mine around his waist. I moved my hands on each side of his face and as we gazed into each other's eyes, a small smile spread across our lips, and then we were kissing.

So, we were a married couple now, we weren't horny eighteen-year-olds anymore who had secretly wanted each other for way too long, but fuck, kissing him on that bed felt just as good as it had back then - the perfect pressure of his lips against mine, the feeling of his tongue perfectly wrapped around mine, the intoxicating smell of his breath and skin as we kissed - the feel of his soft hair as I slid up my hand into it - it was allstill exhilarating.

"Damn, I love you," Rob breathed before I could say it, gently rubbing my back with his fingers in a slow circle.

"I love you too," I murmured as my mouth grazed his cheek. "Sometimes, I just can't believe this is where we are now, just can't believe it, I couldn't have dreamt of a better life for us. I never would've thought we'd come this far!"

"No," he agreed, "but I knew we'd accomplish great things together though, that I knew!" he said, kissing my cheek tenderly.

"I guess you had faith in us," I said and he nodded.

I looked into his eyes and thought about how lucky we were that everything had worked out the way it had between us. I was so thankful to have his love and support and to be married to my best friend.

We held each other tight and I sighed as I again rested my forehead on Rob's shoulder, I was home, wherever Rob and I were together was home - all my anxiety, pain and confusion disappeared.

Until we heard noise coming to us from outside.

I disentangled myself from Rob, he reached for me, but to no avail, I was too curious to see where the voices were coming from. I looked out of the window and saw that, thanks to Rob's antics, between about thirty and forty people had gathered in front of the house and Jordan was already outside, signing autographs, taking selfies and chatting with them.

"Rob, look at what you've done, now they'll all know we're here!"

He came to stand behind me and looked through the window as well,

"Oh-oh," he slowly said, "that's a lot of people."

"Yeah," I confirmed, "I guess it's time to get outta here."

I took his hand in mine and we walked downstairs and out in the street. We began chatting with happy and excited fans. Some people had only stopped because they'd seen an unusual gathering in the street and a McLaren super car but others were true fans of ours and just couldn't believe their luck.

I would be lying if I said I was completely relaxed as we chatted and took pictures with the fans. I kept checking that the door to my parents' house stayed closed but after a short while I began enjoying the moment and stopped worrying.

I shouldn't have.

A few minutes passed then I felt the need to check one more time and when I turned around again, I stiffened, he was watching us - my supposed father. He stood by the front door and I was surprised to not find him changed. He obviously looked older but, to me, he was exactly as I remembered him - menacing and surly. My mother appeared and began pleading with him to get in their house, which he did, but not without showing his dissatisfaction by refusing to let her touch him.

My mother looked at me and our eyes met for a brief second and then she turned around and followed him inside.

Suddenly a life-time's worth of anger roiled inside me and I ran towards the front door to get inside before my mother had the chance to lock it behind her, which I knew she'd do. She saw me and froze. I was already past my mother when Rob shouted after me but I carried on going.

I walked inside and was greeted by all the familiar but unpleasant sights and smells of the house I grew up in. I stopped and watched as James sat on the same armchair he'd always occupied then turned on the TV and I remembered eveything I despised about him.

I stood in the living room and watched the man who had made my life a misery for eighteen years. He didn't pay any attention to me, it was like I wasn't even there.

"So you're just gonna ignore me?"

His face showed annoyance and anger and I knew mine did too.

"Isn't that whatyou've been doing for the past ten years," he said disdainfully, still not looking at me, his whole attitude was making me want to just clock him in the face and force him to speak.

"Isn't that what you did my whole childhood?" I shot back, my voice full of contempt.

"What are you all doing here?" I heard my mother ask as Rob, Jordan and Rob's parents entered the living room as well - she'd clearly been too surprised by my rush to follow James she'd forgotten to lock the front door before joining him and me.

"Looks like your gay boy's returned," he said to my mother, then he looked at me, "I didn't think you'd ever have the balls to walk back in here," he sneered.

"Well here I am! See those people outside, they're there because her,'' I pointed behind me to where my mother stood, "fucking mega-rich, famous, gay son returns," I threw back at him.