All Comments on 'Unaticipated - Alternate Version'

WOW, just WOW! Well done.

It was good until he hooked up with Gloria. Why all LW authors think it is a good outcome to marry the wife of the man who cuckolded you - and so to be reminded of it for the rest of your life - baffles me. Why would I want to be with the woman who marries such an asshole and slept with him for years? Yet half the stories here end that way. Never, ever happens in real life.

Excellent story but way too many repetitions about the plans for Army (Cal)! I do like stories with a lot of details but so many repeats got a little tedious.

I agree with Seeingeye that Gloria as the MC's love interest was not plausible. The problem I had was the way I interpreted Army, he would not have got close with another female for many months or even years.

I wanted him to have a pregnant wife/girlfriend when Stacy was released from jail. That was how I'd intended to end the story so I did a backfill.

I also wanted a driven person to push Army to live his potential.

Read both stories and enjoyed both. I continue to keep this author as a favorite. Not just for the published stories, but for his promised chapters, come on BAS. Stay safe.

This may be a much more complete story than the original but, hooking up with Gloria is such a cliche. The additional pages and dialogue that were added just made this version more tedious to read.

Good intentions and effort but, IMO not all that successful.

Awfully long winded in the middle when the MC was explaining his deductive reasoning

I saw the misspelled title and read the first half before giving up. To convoluted and unrealistic for me.

I really enjoyed this... immensely, and 5 stars worth !

Very well written, and to be honest, I liked this one more than the ending in the original story, but I think folks should definitely read the original, and THEN read this alternate version.

Both were interesting, but for me, this one is a bit better.

Good story line just a bit to long winded in the middle, a lot of unnecessary dialogue during event at the gym and at the house. Because of that 4*

Way too long for the amount of story in here,

The author/ and idiot BUMBLING FOOL is exactly that.-- somebody who writes the stupidest plots of all time and is unable to take or allow any kind of actual criticism.

.

This version of the same idiotic stupid story is as bad as the original. the entire conversation between the Five Guys Stacey and the ex-husband who was in the Marines has to be the most idiotic Twisted contorted irrational silly Preposterous absurd story I've ever read

Good story. Well thought out and fluid.

@Harryin VA Bumblingfool and I are so thrilled you loved our stories so much and we are BOTH looking forward to reading your next story. Oh wait, it will be the first one.

Now, I agree this story was long. Too long for one sitting which is why I generally break my longer stories into separate chapters. I did not realize just how long it was until it was published.

This story was not my original idea. As stated it was an alternate version of Bumblingfool's much shorter story. That is why most of the first section, until the end of the competition was basically the same his. I simply changed a few things. If I'd changed the basic premise, that of a supposedly clueless cheating wife would want to use date rape drugs on her husband, it would not have been an alternate version.

As I told Bum, to me the unanswered question was not why the wife would betray him in such a manner. (There have been other stories where the wife drugged her husband and she had a gangbang while he slept.) To me it was WHY five idiots would risk committing multiple felonies when all they'd get out of it was a little oral sex. There had to be a substantial hidden motive. Blackmailing the wife for future sex was what I came up with.

Yes it was long winded. I could have had the ex-marine act like a normal man when they entered his house. But then telling them, at gunpoint, to get out and take the bitch with them so he could pack his stuff and leave would not made much of a story.

Him sitting down and showing his deductions served the simple purpose to not only tell the story, but to get them to admit to not ONE but three felonious attacks.

I told why I used Gloria in an earlier comment.

For Brent and whoever else did not care for the misspelled title. I did not know about that until after publication. It is part of the submission process to write the title and add a very short line to describe the story. That part is not cut and pasted or submitted as a file. I did review to make sure the seems between my draft files fit but did not give the title a second glance. I apologize. It was not worth retracting the story and starting the submission process all over.

I think I have always looked at you and Bumblingfool as about on par with each other. However, even though this was his original story, I enjoyed your version more. Do not read this as me saying I prefer you to him. I just prefer this story to his.

I had read the original and was curious how you would change it and make it have some semblance of believability. Well, you made it longer.

An awful waste of time.

Another excellent story....enjoyed both versions but I love your talky parts when the heinous plot is exposed. I liked Army and the fact that he was satisfied with his life as it was and didn't need to be the driven alpha male. I do feel that his hookup with Gloria seems a bit much. Maybe a quick tryst for some revenge, but marriage, I don't think so.

Dude awesome story

5 ⭐️ cause I can’t give you 6

Dreadful. Thankfully I'm good at skimming and it didn't take long to get through 7 pages of absolute drivel. 2*

Didn’t need to be seven pages, could have skipped most of the original and just took up where he left the gym, I think we would have got the gist.

But after all that I have only one question, when Army said ‘none of those gunnies were as pretty or kissed as sweetly’. How did he know that the gunnies kisses were not as sweet as Gloria’s? But of a dark horse is our Mr Bostic.

Crap.. too many words repititive and boring. A shame really as the author has done much better in the past

Even though I did like the story...

but I think there were just to much words to make it realistically possible.

That conversations at home with the jerks and Stacy and Army, just too much...

In real life a friend like Hal would have called 911 and cut the conversations in half.

But thanks for the effort Mr. Gamblinluck.

The dialogues were beyond silly. This was not your best work.

"Okay, so lets recap."

I got that far, no lets not recap!!! Incredibly long winded and repeatitiv, just like the original wrier, from what I remember the first 2 pages of your rubbish was just a copy and paste of the original, the rest didn't add anything at all.

ignore overcritical great story 5 stars

The first three pages were some one else writings.

The last four were just a collection of clichés.

The pages where the group had broken into Hubby’s house and they started speculated about the ulterior motives of Goliath and Sweetie and the five sidekicks were WAY overplayed.

4*

I enjoyed it. It's the sort of story you just have to finish. Completely different from your other stuff, which makes me wonder what you will come up with next.

I loved ( my mother owns me ) but it ended to soon.

Thanks

Maybe I’m just out-of-sorts today, but I can’t make myself interested enough to read a 7 page story when the title is misspelled and the first paragraph is full of errors. No score for now, and maybe I’ll read it later. But, damn, man! Get an editor or a few beta readers.

AWESOME simply AWESOME

I preferred your version to Bumbling Fool’s version!

A good idea but a really bad development of the story. Highly unrealistic plot and highly unrealistic characters. Too much psycho thinking for a marine and too many useless questions. All in all there are no one single likable character. Disliked it.

Don't know if you were really a gyrene or not but there is no such thing as an "ex-marine". There are a lot of former marines though. A pretty good story but Cal was not a common representative of a marine. Why? Easy, not enough blood was spilled. LOL!

So I am not a vet but I have great respect for our vets. Would a Marine really like having the nickname Army?

A bit over the top.

I purposely read this to the end hoping it would turn into a story instead of a rambling utterance. I salute the writers perseverance to make 7 sections. The obvious reason was so they could incorporate rbery dumb possibility. What a bunch of crap.

Someone needs to write the version where they succeed in drugging Army, and what he does when he discovers it.

I can't - my writing sucks and I'd just make a mess of it.

What was that, 3-4 pages of the original story and then another couple of tedious, repetitive dialog about the bad guys plans for Army. Him ending up with Gloria was just tooooo cliché. At least there weren't too many misspellings. And not enough of Stacy's response to jail for crimes against her husband or what the prison sentences for the 6 assholes was.

If you give a 'heavy dose' of ketamine to someone you pretend to care about, you might be lying, skanky, pathetic, cum dumpster.

Good story, Dialogue is extremely redundant though

Same story, almost exactly, just with a little more of Army's reasoning. Gloria was a total cliche and took a bit away from the story.

Worth reading. Comp's quite well done, personalities delineated fairly well, plot not too far-fetched but a little long-winded in the middle stage of development.

All-in-all a good entertaining tale. Well done. More please.

MLJ

Speaking as a former Marine, anybody calling me "Army" would receive one warning, to never do it again. I don't know any Marines that would allow anyone to call them "Army". The author sounds like he spent time in the dogface Army, not the USMC.

.

Also, you should know that "jarhead" is NOT a term of endearment. We sometimes allow another Marine to call us that name as a joke or just brothers insulting one another, but when anyone outside the Corps uses it, hackles are raised, pulses start pounding, and we start thinking of things to do to that other person. Ugly things.

.

I thought your story was too convoluted and complicated to suspend disbelief. The wife should have been in a group home for the mentally disabled; her IQ could not have been too far above 60. Way too much talking about how smart he is and how he'd figured everything out. 4 stars, for not being a willing cuckold.

Pages and pages of talk with little movement of the story. This is actually pretty boring.

The original wasn’t a great story, and I’m not sure anyone could make it much better. This was equally implausible, the same unbelievably (literally) shallow woman, the same silly plot line with the “tournament” and the drugs, and the equally unbelievable “ordinary guy” who is six steps ahead of everyone else the whole time. This alternative wasn’t worse, but it wasn’t able to make it much better, either.

Ridiculous story

Found this story to be a poor long winded copy of the original. Your version is almost a word for word copy just with more fluff to say the same thing. 2 **

Like others have written, it was a little long-winded in the middle but still an excellent variation!

Just too long. Put me to sleep.

I am really trying to be more considerate in my comments. I have gone over this with your friend many times. Length can kill a story if the characters, action and overall arc do not support the length. Questions like "is this necessary" or, "am i repeating items already discussed" should be asked constantly. I am not just shitting on your story. There is something here but, in my opinion, it's surrounded by bloat.

Much of this story is spent by the hero imagining and explaining the antagonists' motivation. This goes on for pages. The same details are revisiting many times and seem more of a variation on a theme than advancement of plot. Your story rapidly proceeds towards resolution so rapidly from there that it is all too abrupt.

I challenge you to try to minimize the length.

This was WAY too dependent on monologue and lecture.

I liked both stories, but you did it justice!! Thanks for the story!

Enjoyable read. A little too cliche. No way Gloria was all that great, married to such a sociopath. 'Roid rage, and low self esteem (which most body builders have) is a bad combo.

Weil thought out plot and delivered. I thought that you knew what you wanted to say and did it well. 5*.

Nothing personal. You need new beta readers or at least one who looks at spelling and punctuation. Almost didn't read because the TITLE was even misspelled. UNATICIPATED?? Really? Not spelling / grammar police but in the title?? Otherwise was a decent story.

While I'm giving this story 4 stars, I thought it too long, often repetitive, & could've been better if edited. Sometimes less is really more. Happy he's smart enough to see through all the deceiving plans & wound up with a loving wife after his divorce. But like I wrote, too long unnecessarily & as such, a bit tedious reading. Bob

Lots of words but still 5 for me.

Way over played, contrived, and puzzling gun strategy.

\

First the gun play; it was kind of stupid. The MC was aware of his recording, but the 6 goons did not. They were invited into the house by one of the owners. Why all the palaver and self incrimination, when all they had to do was turn their backs on the gun, and start walking for the door? They were unarmed and trying to leave the house they were invited to enter. Shooting them in the back would be instant prison, even if he left no living witnesses. And once the blow job video was found the police would have the motive for the guys being killed. Nah, they walk out and he can't do shit to stop them.

\

And what's with the Martian Slut Ray wife? The wife could earn $40,000 grand in no time if she was willing to fuck some strange cock, and her husband would never have to know. And if the MC married a woman that stupid then he got what he married, so he got what he deserved.

\

The rest of the story with the rebound love affair and marriage was just too contrived and ridiculous. Better luck with the next project.

There are no EX marines, which is why I did not read this post. For a writer you must know your subject, you are and never were a FORMER Marine. God bless the protectors of our countries and thank them for their service.

Dude, you're a decent storyteller, and I'm genuinely embarrassed for you. C'mon.

I liked it. I would have liked Goliaths reaction to Army marrying his wife and then getting pregnant. I'm surprised you left that out

You have earned the title of 'Master DeBater'.

Fantastic alternate ending!!! Well done 👏👏👏

To be honest, I interpreted the phrase from the preface: "In Bumbling's story the wronged husband primary desire is to get rid of the cheater. I had a little different slant on the story. " - so that this author will reduce everything to reconciliation. I think RAAC after such a betrayal? I'm glad I was wrong.

excellent!

too long?...

i did not read either.... there are NO ex marines sorry but i not a marine But OLD ex army

The original was good, yours was just as good but so much more complete, making it a more satisfying read

A bit overly long, but a great version of the original story.l really enjoyed it.

Scores 5/5 and thank you very much for the story.

Will keep an eye out for your next tale

A LITTLE LONG BUT A GOOD STORY, VIRTUOUS PEOPLE DON'T CHOOSE WHEN TO BE VIRTUOUS.

Good lord, there was more monologuing than a room full of Bond villains. Nice storyline but waaay too drug out.

Jesus this just went on and on and on and on. Finally had to skim and end my own torture. Should have been half the length.

better than the original

Excellent story and the comments attest to what I usually say, "Some people wouldn't know a good story if it slapped them upside the face." It wasn't a Cuck Shit story and it wasn't a wimp story, it wasn't a suck and fuck story! Right up my alley! 5 BIG ASS FUCKING HUGE FLAMING NOVA STARS. Thanks.

Still don't accept cliche" not respect But love"

Honor, trust, And respect foundation for love

should be in non-erotic category

So what was the jail time for the six men? We read seven chapters to finally get to the payback and you cave!! How about their divorces....tell us how bad they got hit.

You can do a better ending than this. *3*

Great story am happy for the guy

Enjoyed it, for the most part more than the original. But it ended a bit abruptly. A bit more trying up lose ends would have been nice but super fun read. Realistic? Nah, but fun.

@ drbenchpress66 Bumblingfool is a friend of mine. He gets early reads of my works and comments on the. I do the same for his. He was a little more easy going on the cheating wife. His MC just wanted to get rid of the bitch and get on with his life. I just saw a little more evil in the situation. Not only with the soon to be ex but with the men who I saw were manipulating her skanky ass.

More an extended narrative than a story. The scene in Army’s house after the wrestling tournament was endless and boring. I finally skipped it. I thought Gerry had two kids but his wife didn’t have any. How’s that work?

If anyone thinks like her we have some messed up concepts of love.

It out the last two pages and would of been a good story