Unbundling Tamara

I'm sure I looked a little puzzled but did as asked. When I opened the door, an alarm sounded, and I jumped. The alarm stopped, and Tammy quickly tapped in the four-digit code that canceled the alarm.

"I like to test the system every once in a while. So far, it's always worked." She smiled at me.

Safety seemed paramount with Tammy, and I wondered if it was in more ways than I knew at the moment. I'd just have to see. Parts of Tam were present in Tammy as well. I wondered what else, if anything, also carried over.

She picked up her apple pie, and we headed out for our picnic.

At the park, we found a deserted grassy area under some maple trees, and I spread the blanket I'd brought, plopped the basket in the middle, and we sat down.

"What's in your poke?" Tammy asked.

I laughed. "My gramma talked about a poke, except it was a paper bag."

"Ugh. I'm not sure why I said that. My mom used to say it, and I couldn't stand it then, like most of the things she said." The look on her face changed drastically when she spoke of her mother.

I watched carefully as Tammy spoke, knowing there was much more about her that I didn't know. I had already vowed to listen carefully to what she said and how she said it, and what words and tones she used. I wanted to see what her eyes would tell me, and the same for facial expressions. I wanted to know the message hidden in her silences and what things I could learn from the words she didn't speak. It wasn't one of my strong points, but I was going to do my best.

"Well," I said, "my basket is full of surprises." I opened the lid at one end. "For an appetizer, we have a bottle of Chardonnay and two glasses." I glanced at Tammy, noting a slowly forming smile. "Also in here are two Italian subs, a delicious, in my opinion, pasta salad, strawberries, grapes, and avocado, a whole avocado that we can slice and eat if you'd like to do that."

"I would. I can't believe you brought a whole avocado."

The look I was receiving warmed me significantly. Tammy had a way of doing that with her eyes and face despite her physical reticence.

"Where shall we begin," I asked, realizing it was only about ten-thirty.

"Do you think the food is safe here?"

A puzzled look crossed my face.

"If we go for a walk first?" she added.

"I'm willing to chance it."

Tammy looked hesitant, then glanced at me. I think my big smile erased her reluctance. I held out my hand and watched her watching our two hands joining, our fingers intertwined. Once more, she looked at me, and this time she smiled, her green eyes literally sparkling.

Walking along the well-worn path through the tall trees, flowering bushes, and occasional darting animals, with the smell of the outdoors surrounding us, and with this lady and her auburn ponytail holding my hand, was as satisfying as almost anything I had ever done. She was neither beauty queen nor super model, but simply, at least to me, an extremely appealing woman, appealing and a bit mysterious. Maybe that was a part of her appeal, the unknown part of her that I was determined to uncover.

"I don't think I can remember the last time I was picnicking."

"I thought all families went on picnics."

She looked away from me.

"I suppose," she said, which told me a lot by what she didn't say.

"I hope you enjoy this one."

"I already am," she said, her smile returning. "You make me happy," she added, not looking at me again, and I realized how hard it had been for her to say it.

I put my arm around her shoulder and squeezed her, then stopped walking and turned her so she was facing me. Her eyes were locked with mine, but the look on her face was one of uncertainty. What now?

"Do you trust me, Tammy?"

"I'm getting there, Marc. I've never trusted anyone like I trust you. Never," she added.

I grasped her cheeks with both my hands, realizing that if I did what I had suddenly decided to do, I was committing myself to something, to her in a very special way. Slowly I moved toward her keeping my eyes on hers, ready if she'd tell me to stop but praying she wouldn't.

Our lips met tentatively at first, but when she didn't resist, I simply kissed her, a four-second warm, and I hoped loving, kiss. I pulled away slowly, smiling. Her eyes never left mine as I tried to read her thoughts. A quick nibble of her lip and then a small smile came my way as she took hold of my hand. I thought she might be trembling just a tiny bit. We started walking again.

"I'm hungry," she said. "I didn't eat any breakfast. I was, well, too nervous."

I stopped walking. "Nervous?"

She was looking at me, a helpless look on her face. I think she wanted to tell me more but wasn't quite ready yet.

"I always get a little nervous when I'm going to be around Marc. Andrews doesn't make me nervous at all," she said, chuckling. "But," she added quickly, "it's a good nervous, you know, like before you perform some music or something in athletics. You're nervous, but it comes from..." She paused. "Excitement," she added, looking away.

"Well, I get that too. Being with Tammy is exciting." I watched her take a deep breath when I said that.

Almost back to our picnic spot, it was Tammy's turn to stop walking and tug on my hand.

"You never ask about what's wrong with me," she said, and I could feel her hand trembling.

"There's so much right with you that I don't worry about the other."

She was looking at me intently now, chewing her lower lip.

"You mean that, don't you."

I didn't reply as I could see her gathering herself, and I wondered what was next. It didn't take long to find out as she stepped forward, put her arms around me, and laid her head against my chest.

"Thank you," she said softly into my shirt, then stepped back. "Let's eat. Race you there. She took off running.

What was it Winston Churchill said? "It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma." Substitute "she" for "it," and you had Tammy. I was determined to solve the mystery, and I think she was about ready to help me.

I was no slouch at athletics, but she beat me back to the blanket, stumbling as she got there and falling onto the blanket. I had to admit that it was all I could do to keep from jumping on top of her, but common sense overrode passion, and I sat down beside her.

We ate part of our subs, a good bit of the delicious pasta salad, and then tossed grapes and strawberries at each other's mouths, laughing hysterically the whole time. I'm sure the few others that were around thought we were teenagers, out for some time together. As we laughed, and talked, and enjoyed being together, my mind was at work, savoring this time with a lady who I found fascinating but anxious to learn all there was to know about her. As a grand finale, we sliced the avocado and ate the whole thing.

"This is the first time I've ever done this," she said, a smile on her face.

"Done what, eaten a whole avocado?"

"No, silly, gone on a picnic."

She was giving me a peek, but I didn't want to push too hard just yet.

"Really. That's pretty amazing. You're pretty amazing."

"There are a lot of things I've never done that, well, normal people do."

"Go on," I encouraged, but she was silent, looking at me for long seconds, then looking away.

I handed her a strawberry and watched her put it in her mouth, chewing slowly and swallowing.

"I don't know," she said. "Some things that ordinary people do are very hard for me."

"I've seen that from you, and don't feel bad about it. You said a while ago that you could trust me, and I'm not sure there's anything that could make me break that trust."

"That's the part that's scary. Not you, but me."

"I've got an idea. If I can arrange something, will you spend the rest of the day with me?"

"Arrange something?"

"Two people that I want to meet you. My mom and my best friend."

A terrified look came onto Tammy's face.

"No, no, it's not a 'meet the family' thing. Well, maybe a little," I added, chuckling. "She's always after me about getting a girlfriend and..."

The look that came onto Tammy's face nearly melted me where I was sitting.

"Girlfriend?" She bit her lower lip. "Is that what I am because I've never been a girlfriend before."

One more glimpse.

"You're more my girlfriend than anyone has ever been before, so I hope it's okay."

"It's...it's wonderful. Just remind me ever so often, okay?"

I reached for her as she reached for me, and the hug came from both of us, no stiffness or trembling from Tammy this time.

"The other one is my best friend, Anna."

"You have a girl as a best friend?"

"She's not exactly a girl anymore, but we've known each other since second grade. She knows more about me than anyone else, so I'd like for you two to meet."

"I don't know, Marc," Tammy said, hesitancy in her voice.

"Trust me?"

"You keep saying that, and I have to answer yes each time."

"Let me make a couple of calls."

"I'll clean up here while you do it."

Often, Lady Luck didn't seem to be smiling on me, but today was one of the exceptions. Mother was home and anxious to see me, and Andre was out of town, so Anna was free to meet at Rocky's, too. I explained to Anna that this was to be a similar get-together as the last time we had met, and she was excited to meet "us."

As we headed to Mother's house, I could tell that Tammy was very nervous, and I didn't blame her at all, even though I wasn't yet sure what was causing it.

"Nervous?" I asked to get the conversation started.

"I'm sorry."

I chuckled. "Nervous is okay, sorry is not. I'd be nervous if I were meeting your mother."

Her face stiffened. "You'd be worse than nervous if you had to meet her."

One more glimpse. I filed that look and that comment in my Tammy folder.

"I guarantee that Mother will love you. Are you okay with getting a gigantic hug from her?"

"What if she doesn't want to hug me?"

I laughed out loud at that.

"Sorry for the outburst, but she will love you."

Mother was waiting for us as I pulled into the driveway, and she burst out of the front door, down the steps a little more carefully, then hurried to the passenger side door as Tammy swung it open.

A little overwhelmed, Tammy climbed out and was engulfed in the predicted hug.

"That naughty son of mine has been hiding you," Mom said. "And I don't know why because he should be proud of you."

Tammy was looking at me with a "what's happening?" look.

"Mom, don't do that to this wonderful lady." I took a chance, walked around the car, and put my arm around her shoulders, relieved that she pressed against me. "You know I'm proud of her, or I wouldn't have brought her here. She's very, very," I looked into those green eyes, "and one more very special."

We went inside, and Mother proceeded to entertain Tammy, regaling her with tales of my youth, but when she began questioning her about herself, the look on Tammy's face cued me that I needed to step in, telling Mom we needed to leave in order to meet Anna.

That we did with a final hug from Mom.

"Well?" I asked as we drove away.

"You're lucky to have a mother like that," she said. " I really like her."

Another "mother" comment to file away.

At Rocky's, we were early, and Tammy decided to join me in a Coors Light.

"Nervous?" I asked again.

She chuckled. "I decided on the way here that, if I really trust you, the test of that is that I know you wouldn't do anything that would be dangerous to me. This is the first test of my decision, and I'm anxious to meet Anna."

I could feel an even deeper admiration of Tammy, and I could feel my heart swell with feelings for her.

I introduced her to Rocky, and all our beer was on the house, with Rocky telling her what a great guy I was. I sat there shaking my head and watched Tammy smiling at his tales. When more customers came into the bar and Rocky had to take care of them, Tammy looked at me from the corner of her eye.

"Did you pay him for that?" she chuckled.

I shrugged. "He's a good friend."

We talked more until Tammy said, "Is that her?"

I turned in my seat to see the blue-eyed and curly-headed blonde headed toward us. A hug and kiss on the cheek for me, and she turned to Tammy, hugging her and stepping back.

"You're a lucky lady," she said. "I tried for years to land this guy when we were best friends, but it seemed meant to be that we were just best friends. Now I have Andre, who I love with all my heart, and you have this guy."

I could see Tammy looking from Anna to me and back. I would have given a year's wages to read her thoughts. I hoped I knew, and maybe I'd find out before long.

Anna excused herself for a quick trip to the restroom.

"She's beautiful."

"She is that."

"Why didn't you guys get together?"

"We tried, but we could see quickly that it wasn't right. I'm glad that happened."

"Marc."

"Let me say it again. I'm glad that happened."

She took hold of my hand and squeezed, and I could see the moisture sparkling in her eyes. I felt warm all over.

Anna returned, and we talked for another hour, with me taking advantage of Rocky's "on-the-house" Coors Lights.

"Are you okay?" Anna asked when I didn't answer a question directed my way.

"I'm good, yeah," I replied, my vision a little fuzzy.

"Can you drive him home?" Anna asked, looking at Tammy.

She smiled. "I think I'd better."

Tammy took my arm and led me to the car.

"I'm not really that bad, I said, "but you'd better drive."

Nearly home, I said, "What are you going to do now. You're at my house with no way to get home."

She closed her eyes. "What do you suggest?" she asked.

She trusted me, and she was leaving it up to me. My brain was a little fuzzy, but I knew what I wanted.

"I suggest you stay the night."

"Okay," she said tentatively.

She trusted me sober, but I was a little tipsy now.

"You're very safe," I assured her.

"I better know that by now," she answered. "Plus, we can talk if you're not too...."

"I don't want to drive, but otherwise, please talk to me."

She pulled into the garage, closed the door, and we went inside, and it was my turn to be nervous.

"Do you need anything?" I asked.

"Just for you to look at me and listen. And, at the end, if you want to..."

"Talk."

"This is so hard," she said, and I thought she might be tearing up.

"Can I hold you while you talk?"

"I don't know, Marc. It's just..."

"Tammy, trust that I...that I love you."

"Oh, God, Marc. Don't say that. You don't know the whole me yet."

"I know that, but it doesn't change anything. Do you believe that I love you?"

She looked at me, those green eyes piercing mine. I took her glasses off.

"There, your face is naked now. And you haven't answered my question."

"I believe you may love what you know, but you don't know the whole Tammy yet."

"I will before long, right?"

"Yes, you have to know it all."

I gave her a tight hug which she returned double. We were ready.

"This is awful," she said when I released her.

"Why, because you're falling in love with me, and it's hard to accept that."

"Marc," she gasped but didn't answer the question. "Just listen."

I took her hand, and she was ready.

"Remember when I told you that my parents separated when I was twelve or thirteen?"

I nodded.

"I didn't know a lot of what was going on, but my dad and I had been closer than Mom and I had ever been, but after it was all over, I was with her, and Dad sort of disappeared. I found out that Mom had a lot of boyfriends, and that caused the split. I think Dad just wanted out, and that's what he got. He felt really betrayed."

I watched her face change, and her eyes left mine.

"Hey," I said, "are you coming to the hard part?"

Her head nodded several times.

"Okay, well, I'm right here, holding onto you. And remember what I said just a few minutes ago."

Another few nods.

"I was fourteen and with my mom. The trouble was, I didn't look fourteen. More like eighteen."

She squeezed my hand hard, looked away, then back at me, and I could see the tears forming.

"I don't know, Marc. I knew this day would come, and I've planned it, but I didn't know..."

"That you'd be falling in love with a guy who loves you right back?"

"I guess. I'm just not sure I'm ready for that."

"There's a Bible verse about love that says, 'It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres,' and then, 'Love never fails.'"

Tammy's green eyes sparkled.

"Of all those words, the two most important to me are 'always,' and 'never.'" I waited a few seconds. "Always and never," I repeated.

"Mother had boyfriends and live-ins, lots of each." She stopped and took a deep breath. "When she had more than she could handle, she forced me to, well, help out." The tears came full force. "So that's what I am," she sobbed. "I'm a mess."

I couldn't wait any longer as I grabbed her and squeezed her against me. Her sobs were shaking us both. I held her tight until the sobbing slowed then faded away to an occasional shaky inhale.

I took her face in my hands and carefully kissed away her tears. When she opened her eyes, she could see my big smile. "I love you," I said slowly.

"Marc."

"And I pray you love me."

The tears began again, but this time they were different. First, they were tears of happiness, and second, they were coming from both of us.

We shared the hugs, the tears, some giggles, and a few sighs as well. But most of all, we shared the feelings that filled the space around us. It was heavenly.

"Everything has been building toward today, you dreading it, and me anxious to hear it. Now it's done, and despite your fear and trepidation about my reaction, I love you more than ever. Now we move on."

We were holding each other tightly.

"I may have to go through a six-pack more often. Maybe more good things will happen."

"I'm not sure I can stand more good things," Tammy said, sniffling but smiling at me.

It was dark outside by now, and I wondered.

"Since this has been an unusual day, let's do something different."

"It's your place, so whatever you want."

I thought it was too soon to tease her about the open invitation she'd given me.

"Let's take a walk, and we can talk."

"Okay," she said simply.

I lived in an older neighborhood with lots of big trees and a few old and dim street lamps, ideal for walking with your girlfriend.

I put my arm around her waist and felt her untucked blouse. I thought for two seconds before sliding my hand under the thin material onto her warm, soft skin. I took a deep breath, wondering what reaction I'd get. She squeezed my waist and laid her head on my shoulder.

I couldn't help but think of Tam as I felt the warm, soft skin under my hand, the tight bun, 2X sweater, and baggy pants Tam. Things were beginning to make sense.

"You're quiet," Tammy said.

"It's a happy quiet; I was just thinking."

"Yeah?" she said, giving my waist another squeeze.

"About Tam."

"Ah, yeah, her...um, me."

"Yep," I said, kissing her hair.

"When I was seventeen, I left my mother and went to live with an aunt. We tried to find my dad but never could, so when I was eighteen, I got a job and went out on my own. But I vowed to stay away from men, and even more, to make myself so that no man would want me. I did it and was successful for many years. But then you came along."

"You can thank Anna for that."

"Let me guess. She dared you."

I think I physically jolted when she said that. What now?

"Doesn't matter," she chuckled. "it was the only way it would happen."

I breathed a sigh of relief that brought another chuckle from Tammy.

"Something else is happening that involves Tam and Marc," I said as we rounded the corner, heading back toward my place.