Under the Sky

Kay wasn't even sure of her own feelings, because she was on the rebound from a woman fifteen years her senior. Her former girlfriend lived in London so when Kay was accepted at a university 150 miles away, it put a strain on their relationship.

Her partner had felt deserted and had become increasingly clingy, demanding that she travel back to their flat in Stoke Newington every weekend. The travel, the constant bickering, and the lack of time to study, finally pushed Kay to make the difficult decision to leave her, because her spirit had felt stifled.

She'd needed a fresh start and her new university town gave her that opportunity. She had put her name forward to the department as being keen to build up sailing experience, and had been invited because she'd been available over the Easter break.

Kay couldn't have anticipated how this trip would turn out -- none of them could. She was anxious how they would now manage to stay civil and how the dynamics between the other three would play out. The next day was going to be difficult.

* * * * *

The blaring of an alarm made Kay and Hannah jump and they sat up looking at each other with big eyes. The horn blew again.

"What the fuck..." Hannah cursed, pulling on her salopettes.

"Hannah, Kay? This is your captain speaking. There is no fog or life threatening emergency, but I wanted your attention." Steve's voice called them from the other side of the cabin door.

"I think it would be best if we discuss this situation before breakfast. I'm going to open the door, so please make yourselves respectable."

Steve knocked for good measure and pushed the door open, forcing Hannah to sit back on the bunk to make room.

Steve leaned on one side of the doorframe and behind him at the companionway, Hannah could see Paul looking her way.

Steve glanced at the ceiling to find inspiration as the two girls huddled next to each other.

"I m sorry for the way things turned out last night, but I'm speaking for myself." Steve lectured with a slightly patronising tone. He glanced back to Paul, adding, "I guess you two will need to discuss things privately."

Paul averted his face and studied the floor. The girls were unmoved and simply waited to hear what Steve had to say next.

"Because of our circumstances," Steve continued, making a gesture to the boat, "we've not got much choice but to continue and somehow work together, however difficult that might be. I hope we can agree on that?"

Hannah and Kay exchanged looks for a moment and Kay gave a barely detectable nod to Hannah.

"Unless either of you has a better plan, which I doubt, can I suggest we stick with our watches, four hours on and fours hours off until we reach the Menai?"

The girls again exchanged looks with raised eyebrows of agreement and Hannah gave a nod in silent answer, avoiding Steve's eyes.

"Good. Now the final question. Do we anchor up this evening off the Llyn peninsula or keeping going and head straight for the pontoon at Bangor, arriving around midnight tomorrow, if I have my tides correct? Think it over as you get dressed because you're both due on watch. About now, as it happens."

Steve reached to close the door, but Hannah stopped him.

"We'll keep going. I think I can speak for Kay on this too." Hannah said flatly, glancing to Kay.

Kay nodded back quickly, then gave Steve a sarcastic sweet smile.

"Yes, we don't mind. We keep going then we can be out of your hairs much sooner," Kay said with an affected charm.

Steve gave a grunt of acknowledgement and pulled the door closed.

"Co za cwel z ciebie!" Kay called after him, then put an arm round Hannah's shoulder.

"We will show them, Hannah. You are the best sailor on this boat and I will do everything to help you. You can teach me now because I want to understand sailing more."

"Thanks Kay. Well I suppose we needed to clear the air and acknowledge what happened. Come on -- we'd better get up on deck. We can have breakfast along the way."

* * * * *

The wind had changed to south-west, helping their passage north through the Irish Sea. Hannah kept her promise and turned the autopilot off to let Kay have some experience at the helm. She knew full well that Steve would feel the uneven progress of the boat as Kay learned new skills under Hannah's guidance.

They raided the goodies cupboard on the boat and feasted on everything from crisps to apples, but Hannah made sure she took the helm whenever a hot drink was needed and Kay disappeared below to make it.

The joy of the sea and the crisp bite of the bows through the rolling waves lifted their spirits and soon they were laughing and both squealed in outrage when a rogue shower of spray soaked them both.

They saw few other boats, but a large pod of bottlenose dolphins found them and played alongside in the waves for several minutes.

"Hannah look! Those are dolphins I think? Yes, look you can see their noses," Kay shouted from the wheel.

"Yes, they are! You can tell by their dorsals as well. They've got some baby ones with them, too!"

Down below, Steve was sitting at his navigator's station reading a book with his half moon glasses. Paul dozed on his bunk, half-hearing the occasional peel of laughter from the girls on deck.

Paul felt wretched. He tried to convince himself that Hannah and he could never had made a lasting relationship, though he would never have planned to hurt her this way. He heard Kay shouting, 'Dolphins' but was unmoved. He was relieved to hear them having fun, but knew that he and Hannah would need to have a more sober conversation before the trip was done.

Hannah had no such thoughts and no intention of easing Paul's conscience with what to her would be a long, pointless discussion. She knew she would only end up crying. She'd resigned herself to thinking her brief fling with Paul had been a bad idea. She realised her mother had been right.

Kay puzzled her. She enjoyed her company and Kay had an impish sense of humour that appealed to her, so they shared a lot of exchanged looks and jokes. Hannah liked her down to earth nature too. Perhaps her Polish culture was responsible for her homely, old-fashioned values.

Kay was incredibly pretty with her dark eyes and pale complexion. Hannah loved the way Kay's lips formed the shape of her words and of course, the accent. Hannah was a sucker for foreign accents.

When their watch ended at midday, the girls avoided the men by disappearing into their forward cabin. They lay for a while chatting, curled up like spoons, then dozed through the afternoon.

Hannah awoke to find Kay propped up on her elbow, reading Kaiser's Marine Ecology book, an essential primer for every student.

"Oh czesc laleczko! You awake so soon?" Kay said brightly as Hannah peered over her shoulder.

"What are you reading?" Hannah asked, and Kay flipped the cover to show her. "Ah yes. Good book, I read it in my first year as well."

"What you study for your thesis, Hannah? I should like to read it." Kay enquired.

"Population structures of wild Crassostrea gigas," Hannah replied through a yawn as she rolled onto her back. "It's in the library -- you can search it."

"Please write this for me," said Kay handing the folded book to Hannah with her pencil in its spine.

Hannah repeated the title, speaking out the words as she wrote, then added her customary five-pointed star as a sign off and handed it back to the other girl.

"Oh!" Kay said in surprise and look back at Hannah. "You always put star when you write message like this?"

"No, not all the time," Hannah smiled and patted Kay's arm. "What time is it now? I think we're due on deck."

In the saloon, Steve had heated some fresh bread rolls and the delicious smell filled the air as the girls emerged.

"Peace offerings," he said to Hannah, pointing to the plates of cheese and ham on the table. "Listen Hans..."

Hannah shook her head to the start of his apology.

"Steve, what happens on the boat, stays on the boat -- isn't that the saying? I'm over it already. Maybe another time huh? I just want to get this done and go home, y'know?"

Steve licked an errant piece of pickle off his thumb in an attempt to look casual. He looked at her more closely.

"But you know..." he tried again.

"Please, Steve - no! Jesus! I don't want to talk about it, okay? Just do your magic and get us through the Menai in the dark and you'll be one step back into my good books,"

Hannah understood his contrition but his timing was way off.

"Don't you fancy doing the pilotage? It would be a real tick in your book," Steve was oblivious to her frame of mind.

"No, I fucking don't! I'm tired, I'm upset, I'm angry. I'd probably end up gift-wrapping the bridge the way I am. I know what you're trying to do. Really, I appreciate it, but have a heart Steve! Cut me some slack here," Hannah was irritated by his clumsy attempt at normalising things.

Steve relented and simply put a hand on her arm.

"You know where I am, kiddo. Paul's back in his doghouse. I'll see you at eight."

Hearing him say Paul's name made her jump. She thought immediately of what she'd seen last night and found herself having to fight back tears once more -- tears she'd hoped were packed away.

She quickly fastened her lifejacket and leapt the steps into the refuge of the cockpit.

Kay had witnessed the conversation from the open door of their cabin. She made up a couple of rolls, wrapped them in a napkin, put a can of ginger beer into her jacket pocket, then climbed up to join Hannah on deck.

"Here, I bring these for you," Kay said offering Hannah the rolls.

Hannah was sitting with her hands deep in her pockets, gazing off across the water and shook her head without speaking. It was clear to Kay that Hannah was upset, but came to sit with her anyway.

Hannah was fighting back the emotions welling up inside her. She thought she was stronger than this and that she could avoid dealing with the painful memories.

Out of politeness, she finally took a roll from Kay as the paper rattled in her hand, sending crumbs into the air in a chaotic whirl. She brushed the flakes off her lap and took a bite, but the bread stayed glued to her mouth and she had to force the morsel down.

She took pinches of bread and threw them, one at a time, into the bubbles of their receding wake. Gulls hovered on the air behind them, their wings in a fixed curve on the breeze. Their beaked heads inclined as they hunted for the floating crumbs.

One finally dived, it wings in an awkward W with its feet outstretched. It paused for a moment then struggled to separate itself from the elements of water and air, its red feet dangling at it rose.

More crumbs followed and more birds dived.

The gulls proved enough of a distraction to Hannah as she watched them and the flow of her emotions subsided. She took the remaining bread and packed it into her pocket.

"Thanks, Kay. I'll maybe have it later." She smiled, running her hand down the other girl's leg. She looked up at the concern in Kay's face and accepted the offer of her open arms. They sat there for some minutes in silence as Kay stroked her hair.

Kay was happy Hannah did not have to face this on her own, that she could be of comfort to her.

Hannah was glad she was there, though Kay's sympathy made her emotions all the more difficult to contain.

"Soon we will be home. Not so long now, Hannah," she spoke into Hannah's hair as she cradled her.

* * * * *

It was dark and the wind had dropped, so 'old rusty' was back in noisy action, drowning out casual conversation. The darkness meant that all four of them could be on deck with less chance of awkwardly catching each other's eyes.

Hannah gave Kay the binoculars. She stood braced against the wall of the cockpit with Hannah pressed behind her. Steve was at the wheel as they made their approach to the Menai Straits, a dangerous passage of water that separated North Wales from the island of Anglesey.

Two famous bridges, over 150 years old, stepped over the deep gorge where the tidal flow ran fast like a river. Below the surface, submerged rocks and mud banks hid a channel that twisted and turned at sharp angles as it passed under the bridges. Although the bridges were navigation points and well lit, making a safe pilotage at night required expertise.

"It will be a single white light making long slow flashes, Kay. Every ten seconds. It should be straight ahead of us." Hannah spoke loudly over the noise of the engine.

"I see it," shouted Steve from the wheel, his pointing hand lit by the glow from the GPS screen.

"Where he see?" Kay said irritably to Hannah.

"Don't worry, Kay. He knows where it is anyway, and it's tricky with bins in the dark. Oh, yeah, I see it now. Look, follow my hand. It's off, off, now there -- a white light."

"Oh! I think I was looking too much to the water. So this is a safe water mark, is this correct?" asked Kay, letting the binoculars hang from their strap.

"Yup. Now tell me what we'll find after that. What is a safe water mark for?" Hannah had been teaching Kay some basics during their time off-watch.

"Safe water mark is at end of a navigation channel. It says 'Ok, safe one way' but 'eyes open in the other'. So then we look for literal marks, red and green." Kay leaned back to speak closer to Hannah's ear in the wind and noise.

"Lateral marks, but yes, close! Well done Kay!" Hannah squeezed her hands over Kay's shoulders then turned to take a seat. She realised that meant sitting close to Paul, who was looking away at the strings of twinkling lights along the dark coastline.

Paul shuffled away to one side as she sat. He sat on his hands in awkward silence. The engine noise made conversation difficult, but Hannah sensed it was up to her to break the day-long silence between them.

"OK, Paul?" was the best she could manage or felt he deserved.

Paul looked across at her, and their eyes met briefly before Hannah casually glanced away. Paul understood: this was Hannah's way of saying 'I'm not going to kill you, but this is as close to forgiveness as you'll get.'

No amount of Victorian engineering would bridge the gap between them.

* * * * *

They tied up by one in the morning at their final destination, the Prince Madog, a large research vessel moored close to the old Menai bridge. Just across the water was the railway station. Hannah looked on her phone for the first available train of the morning, before settling down to a last sleep on the boat.

The two girls awoke early and had their bags packed in good time. Hannah wrote a quick note to Steve, but not to Paul -- that would have to wait, if it ever happened. As they crept up the companionway for the last time, Paul opened the door from his cabin, just as Hannah was passing up her bag to Kay.

"You're leaving?" he asked quietly.

"Yes. We thought it best. Have a safe journey, Paul,"

The confines of the boat meant they were close to each other, less than an arm length. Hannah looked at Paul with a neutral expression, pausing to see if he could find anything to say.

"Well," Hannah said politely, as though bidding goodbye to a fellow bus passenger. "We'd best be off."

She climbed the steps and took her bag from Kay who was waiting for her. They had to climb up the ladder of the ship next to them, then cross its deck to reach the pier. Kay stopped for a moment to adjust her bag, slinging it on her shoulders in the chilly morning air. They left the boat and the journey behind them.

At the station, there were only a few other early passengers, some taking a last draw on a cigarette before flicking it away. Two taxi drivers chatted over the open doors of the cars and overhead, a gull cried mournfully.

The girls found the brightly lit ticket machine and set their bags down to rummage for their credit cards.

Kay turned to Hannah, with her card at the ready.

"Hannah? Where you go now?" she asked.

"Well, home I guess, Kay," Hannah replied with a weary sigh. "It'll be a long journey but we can travel together as far as Chester I think. I should be home by eleven."

"And then what? Are you working tomorrow?" Kay asked.

"Err... no. It's Easter. I've no particular plans." Hannah turned to study the ticket machine. Kay moved to stand in front of her.

"Then come back to my home -- in Liverpool. I'll make you breakfast and you can stay." Kay looked up into the taller girl's eyes.

"Oh, I dunno Kay. I'd like to but... but I sense your feelings for me and..." Hannah stammered her answer and avoided Kay's eyes by looking down.

Kay reached her hand to Hannah's down-turned chin and lifted it so that their eyes met.

"Exactly. Also I sense your feelings. I know this is not best time, but it is now. We are here, we have survived all this... sheet," Kay waved an arm towards the boat.

"Also, I don't think you should be alone. I know, I understand what is in your heart, how heavy is your heart. Please, Hannah. Stay the night. You need a friend, I think," Kay searched Hannah's eyes and went on, "I hate railway station and making goodbyes. Come back, we watch Netflix and make a happy end to this time."

"Are you sure, Kay?" Hannah scrutinised her face.

"Yes, I am very sure," she replied with a simple nod.

"Ok, then. Which station is best for you?"

"Yus! " Kay squealed excitedly. "Why do you make this so hard for me? You make me twist your arms!"

* * * * *

Kay's flat turned out to be a university hall, with individual bedsits for students. Kay was excited to welcome her and took Hannah's bag, setting it down by the door. It was a high-ceiled room with two tall windows that overlooked a sports field, now set out for cricket.

Kay gave her a brief tour, showing her the small kitchen area and through a doorway to a windowless bathroom. There was a single bed that Hannah viewed with some dismay -- she had forgotten the monastic lifestyle of an undergraduate.

At least Kay had done her best to hide the office-coloured walls with photos and wall-hangings that reflected something of her personality.

Kay noticed Hannah glance at the bed and recognised the assumption Hannah might have reached.

"Ah! Now, Hans, when my brother came to stay, her bought me this sofa. Let me show you." Hannah could see Karolina was anxious, because she tended to speak faster -- something she did herself.

Kay lifted away an embroidered throw to reveal the mysterious sofa. Lifting two cushions allowed its base to lie flat to make a single bed.

"You see, Hannah. This is perfect. You can have my bed, and I can sleep here, with no sleeping bags and cold feet! But come, take off that jacket and let me make some tea." Kay had become suddenly Hannah's sister and aunty and mother all rolled into one. Hannah felt swept up by Kay's humour and warmth.

"You know what I'd really like, Kay, and that's to have a shower. May I?" Hannah asked as she found a peg to hang her big jacket.

"Of course yes. I was forgetting my manners. Let me show you, but it's all quite easy and then I will find you a fresh towel." Kay continued to make a fuss of her, so it was only when Hannah shut the door to the bathroom, that she could properly relax.

Hannah let the hot water wash away the salt from her hair but she wished it could wash away memories too. Being on the autistic spectrum meant she often struggled with people and their seemingly random actions. It also cursed her with thought circles -- unceasing, repetitive thoughts as her subconscious struggled tried to make sense of the world. It would leave her exhausted and depressed and she knew she could easily slip deep into that black pool.

In the last few weeks her life had been a roller-coaster of emotions that had worn her down. Her life reminded her of an old video game and she was Lara Croft, leaping fiery chasms and swinging from ropes, but she was a Lara with no bullets left, no flashing knives and down to her last green block of video life. She needed to find a hidden bonus that would recharge her life and let her keep fighting. Only rest and a chance to unwind would do that.