Undermined

"Guessed right didn't I? Have you found an attorney yet?"

"I'm working on it but we don't need a divorce. I'll do anything you want to save our marriage."

"A little late for that. Why didn't you decide to do 'anything to save our marriage' a month ago? I know why. It's because you're a selfish bitch who thinks she's entitled and above reproach. You thought you could do anything you wanted without any repercussions. Did you tell me immediately? A day later? A week later? Fuck, how many others have there been slut?"

Michella recoiled at the venom in my voice "That was the only time. You have to believe me. One stupid decision shouldn't doom our marriage."

"Which stupid decision, as I count many? Planning to cheat might get you a stay of execution. Cheating is simply fatal. Hiding your cheating ways insured no reconciliation. Worst of all was including your daughter. That's right, your daughter as I want nothing to do with her anymore. This is all on you. If you had kept your FUCKING mouth shut about what goes on in our bedroom then she would have never been involved. GAWD I HATE YOU!"

Some of the neighbors were getting their jollies, watching this shit show.

"Trevor, I said I'm sorry. How can I make this up to you?"

"You can't! I'm taking the 'ditch the bitch' approach. I'm hoping I'm better off without you. Maybe I will be, maybe I won't, but it's on my terms. Divorce your cheating ass and move on. Understand?"

"Please Trevor, I know you're hurt and mad but please don't do anything for a couple of weeks. It was just one afternoon. What can I do to convince you?"

"Just leave and never bother me again. Now if you'll excuse me, halftime is over and the bowl game is about to start again. Thanks for stopping by, NOT!"

The door was closed softy. Michella begged and knocked but my noise cancelling headphones did their job. I really don't know how long it lasted but she wasn't there in the morning.

+ + + +

Twelve months less a day later.

I sat in my one-bedroom apartment and continued the Christmas Eve tradition. Alone. By choice. A simple meal that I'd cooked myself. After a slow start I'm getting the hang of this cooking thing.

The saying is that you get stabbed in the back, but in reality it shattered my heart, ego, and confidence. My self-respect remained intact. Many nights I wondered if I over-reacted. Not once did I agree with that. I became disposable so I left. Case closed.

My time in divorce limbo was that of a beaten man. I was a grouch to be around. More than once my boss admonished me for snapping at coworkers. Over time I simply retreated into the life of a recluse. My coworkers learned to leave me alone. I did my job and I did it well. Company parties occurred without my presence.

Friends tried to set me up but I shut them down. One by one my friends quit calling. My pity party looked like it might go on forever.

I took up running. People see your earbuds and leave you alone. Between cooking for myself and my new pastime, I now needed to add a few pounds. None of my previous clothes fit so I was wearing a modern look. Occasionally a single coworker would complement me but that's where it usually ended.

The divorce dragged on for nine months. The house sold quickly once we reached that point. In lieu of monthly support, Michella received the better half of the proceeds.

Allie and Jeff parted ways. Apparently it was okay for Michella to cheat but not so much Jeff.

Jeff, after a few too many drinks, cornered me last spring and read me the riot act for setting him up with Heather. It's always someone else's fault. I wasn't there with Heather. He was and he was weak as are most men his age. A sexy siren can seduce without much effort.

As for Allie, she tried in vain to yell at me. She was a bitchy woman lashing out to my voicemail. Maybe someday I'll take her call, but don't wager a lot on that. I neither got an invitation nor attended her graduation.

Things were especially rough for Michella. She hadn't worked a full-time job since we married. My lawyer strung the financial things out as long as he could. When the house finally sold I repaid all of the money the court said she should have been getting in maintenance. Gone is her comfortable lifestyle. Gone is mine too.

At a few of the attorney conferences Michella tried to convince me that she had been incredibly stupid but that was no reason to throw our almost twenty-five years together away. I stared blankly at her which caused a few tears to be shed. Hate is a powerful emotion and I can't seem to get mine under control.

+ + + +

Twelve months later.

We sat in my apartment and continued the Christmas Eve tradition. Macy is a friend going through what I went through. No, we're not lovers. I'm far from being ready for that again.

When the dishes were cleaned up, Macy led me to the middle of the living room where we danced, closely at times. I really miss the warmth of a willing woman pressed against me. Still, after about ten songs, Macy swiped a tear away and headed home. Damaged goods, both of us.

Allie's tone changed in the voice messages she been leaving about once a month. She was apologetic. I never returned any of her calls.

My meddling mother let it slip that Michella moved in with some sucker. It surprised me that my reaction was mostly MEH.

I've started making small talk with people again. Old employees avoid me. New employees just think I'm weird. Making friends is hard for me but I was able to bridge the gap with Macy. We're just friends.

In late January I received a letter from Allie. I debated whether to even open it. Curiosity won out. There was a short note and a selfie.

'Daddy

I'm sorry that I did you wrong. As you can see in the picture, I'm pregnant. I was wondering if you could find it in your heart to include a grandchild in your life? If not, I understand.

Love

Allie'

The return address was a few counties over. Apparently she'd relocated. No mention of a husband. If she was wearing any rings they were hard to discern in the picture.

I was torn. I hated what she did to my life. Yet, I always wanted grandchildren. Not the grandkid's fault that I loathe their mother. It would be a few weeks before I responded.

In the meantime, Macy and I parted company. We both knew we were only shoulders to lean on. She decided to move far away and start over. With a few lingering hugs she left my life.

To keep from going crazy I took up pickleball at the rec center. It's a shrunken version of tennis, but with its completely different set of rules. Eventually you end up playing with people of similar abilities. It's very junior high school cliquish. Shannon entered my life with a bang. She seems to be about my age, as are many of the men and women playing when I do.

When you're not very good, your shots don't always go where they're supposed to. One of my strays plunked Shannon between her boobs. Her female friends teased her that maybe she should make me 'Kiss it to make it better!'

I blew several kisses her way increasing her already red face another shade or two.

As we were heading out, after the games, Shannon needled me "The least you could do is buy me a soft drink. You are a very quiet and shy person. My name is Shannon. And yours is?"

"Trevor. Sorry about hitting you. That wasn't my intent. I'm not a very good player and an even worse conversationalist, especially with women."

"There's a Jamba Juice in that strip mall. I'll buy you one Trevor."

"I'll pay Shannon. Should we walk?"

"Sure, why not."

We learned about each other. Her responses flowed while mine were not nearly as graceful.

As the conversation dragged Shannon cornered me "Trevor, I can tell you are very insecure around me. If you don't mind me asking, are you seeing someone?"

"No Shannon. I'm not. To tell you the truth I don't know that I'll ever be seeing anyone again."

"Did she die or leave you?"

"She cheated on me and I wouldn't, or is it couldn't, accept it. It's been a few years and well I guess I'm not over it. How about you? Seeing someone?"

"No one seriously. I go on dates but that's about it. When's the last time you went on a date?"

"Well, I haven't been on a real date since we parted. I've had people over for dinner but that's about it."

"When did your marriage die?"

"That was December twenty six months ago. Pretty pathetic huh?"

"Not really. When I was dumped for a trophy wife it took me a couple of years to find the confidence to try again."

This whole conversation was making my palms sweaty. Shannon noticed.

"Let's talk about something else. Why'd you start playing pickleball?"

"My pity party was starting to bore me so I figured I needed to find something different to do."

"That's how I got started too. My girlfriends nagged at me until I gave in. I really enjoy it, how about you?"

"Yeah, I bought a paddle and playing is helping me break out of my shell."

"Well I have to go. See you tomorrow? I'm playing at 4 Pm."

"Sure. Nice chatting with you Shannon."

"You too Trevor. Hang in there. Things will only get better."

That evening I felt good enough about myself to respond to Allie.

'Allie

I'm willing to try. You and I will never be close but I'd like to at least meet my grandchild. Please let me know when the time is right. Under no circumstances will I be in the same room as your mother.

Mr. Fruedan'

As Allie was showing, in the selfie, I estimated a May or June delivery date. I don't know if Allie got my reply as there has not been another letter from her.

+ + + +

At pickleball the next day Shannon was a flirt, along with a few of the other ladies. It felt good.

After I hit a particularly good shot Shannon quipped "You know Trevor, you look really good in that shirt. I bet you look even better out of it!"

The women giggled as my face felt flush.

"Funny you should say that Shannon. I was thinking that you looked really good in those yoga pants. I bet you'd look even better out of them too!"

Well there was hysterical laughter as Shannon turned bright red. Then the ladies started chanting "Take em off, take em off, take em off."

I obliged and took my shirt off. Shannon shook her head NO vigorously while wagging her finger at me as if I was in trouble.

A few of the ladies gave wolf whistles as I put my shirt back on. Shannon mouthed 'You're terrible' at me. I blew her a kiss.

After the games there was some serious flirting from a few of the ladies. One even quipped that she looked awesome out of her yoga pants. Shannon waited patiently for her turn.

"Buy a girl a soft drink?"

"I was just about to ask you. Nice yoga pants."

"Quit it! Pretty proud of yourself aren't you?" was spoken with an ear-to-ear grin.

While enjoying our drinks I found the courage to ask Shannon out for dinner and a movie. I'd have died had she turned me down. She didn't.

+ + + +

Having been out of the dating scene for over twenty-seven years, I was clueless, clumsy, and scared shitless. But eventually I was able to relax and my previous upbeat personality emerged.

After several dates Shannon convinced me to spend the night. The sex was long overdue for me and I think for Shannon too.

Her question surprised me "Who were you thinking of when we were having sex?"

I had to stop and think "You. I was wondering what you saw in a loser like me?"

"A mirror reflection. What do you see in me?"

We kissed passionately and made love this time. Agreeing to get tested for STDs, we pledged ourselves to each other and when both tests came back negative, started having sex without protection.

Shannon included me when she had her family and grandchildren over. It was awkward at first. Her children are very protective of their mother. Any time they'd get their dander up, Shannon would squeeze my hand or give me a peck on the cheek. Over time I was tolerated.

It was early June when Shannon snuggled up to me in bed.

"Let's see if you know how to celebrate Grandpa."

With my growing erection in her hand it dawned on me what she said "Do you know something that I don't?"

"Well, there's only one big hospital where Allie lives, so I've been checking the registry for newborns. A mother named Allie Fruedan gave birth to a girl two days ago."

I felt my erection start to fade but some warm lips soon had me ready to ride. Slapping flesh didn't last long. My tongue made up for my quick climax. Then the sound of slapping flesh lasted much longer. Exhausted, I cuddled Shannon.

"So now what do I do?"

"Send flowers. Doesn't have to be all lovey-dovey, but acknowledge her becoming a mother."

A day later, having sent flowers, an overnight letter arrived.

'Daddy

I know my apology rings hollow, but it is sincere. After that dreadful Christmas Eve meltdown I hated you. You ruined my relationship with Jeff. You took away my car, my phone, and basically my way of living. I was a very bitter immature woman for a long time. But then, I looked at it from your point of view. You didn't deserve what we did to you. I'll never forgive myself. I was a terrible person, but I have a much better understanding of what you tried to teach me. I'm a very different person now.

How could I hurt someone who had taken me from crayons to perfume? It was pure evil and how I cried. I was a self-centered bitch. This isn't easy but I'll try. I want you back in my life. I want to feel your comforting hug at least one more time. I need for you to look into my eyes as I apologize so you know that it's true. I want you as a friend. A friend who tried to teach me right from wrong and weak from strong. That's a lot to learn. What could I give you in return?

The only thing I could think of was a grandchild. You have a granddaughter named Bonnie, after your mom. I'm home now, in my small apartment. I'm not married so it's just Bonnie and I against the world. You can visit anytime you want or if you'd rather I'd not be there, I'll deliver Bonnie to you with a diaper bag and a few bottles.

I'll always be your daughter. I long for your love again.

Love

Allie'

I shared the letter with Shannon.

"She seems sincere. What are you going to do?"

"Keep you away from her. She's already ruined one of my relationships and I treasure what you and I have."

That got me a nice hug and sensual kiss.

"Thank you Trevor. No need to worry. I'm a big girl and have erected walls to keep intruders at bay. I'm not sure how you got past those barriers, but I'm glad that you did."

We hugged for an extended time just swaying as if a slow love song was playing.

"You know Trevor. You can't give me all of your love while still hating them. Let it go so what we have can grow."

Shannon was right. It was time to put it in the past.

+ + + +

The lights were on the in apartment located at Allie's return address. With Shannon peering around my shoulder I knocked softly on Allie's door.

Her eyes flew open wide "Daddy! This is a surprise. Come in!"

"Allie, this is Shannon. Shannon, this is my daughter Allie."

With gentle cheek hugs we entered her apartment.

"Would you like to hold Bonnie?"

I sat at the kitchen table and gingerly snuggled Bonnie. She didn't cry. I'd forgotten how tiny their hands and feet are. Shannon gazed lovingly at me.

Shannon broached the subject "So, Allie, you said you're not married?"

"No, Bonnie's father thinks I'm trying to trap him. We were drunk and he didn't use protection. He knew I wasn't on the pill. Maybe he'll come around, then again maybe not."

Allie and I tiptoed around each other all evening. I left without giving her a hug or a kiss.

As I started the car Shannon scolded me "She needs to know you still love her. I know you do. You know you do. Get back up there and do the right thing."

Leaving Shannon in the car, I knocked on Allie's door.

"Did you forget something?"

"Kind of. I forgot to give you a hug and tell you that I still love you."

Hallmark should make a movie about how emotional it got after that.

+ + + +

Six months and a few weeks later.

The traditional Christmas Eve dinner was held in my apartment. Shannon, Allie, and it was me holding Bonnie.

I gave the Christmas blessing. We ate then opened presents. Bonnie got more than her fair share of presents but she liked how the paper sounded when she played with it.

As it was too long of a drive to make on a snowy Christmas Eve, I let Allie and Bonnie stay in my apartment. Shannon and I spent the night in her house, something that had been happening more often than not recently.

+ + + +

Epilogue:

Twelve months later.

The Christmas Eve traditional dinner was held at Shannon's house. We signed a pre-nup before our wedding. I'm on a short leash when it comes to the other pickleball ladies flirting with me. I don't mind.

Joining us this year is Carter Denton, Allie's husband and father of Bonnie. It took him some time to figure out that he really did want to be part of Allie and Bonnie's life.

Bonnie and I are snuggle buddies. I love being 'papa'.

Also present were Shannon's children and grandchildren. One of her son's gave the Christmas blessing.

Life moves on with or without you. It took me a few years to realize life was passing me by. Not anymore. I'm happy with where I ended up.