Understanding Women

A fun little submission for the 2020 April Fools contest. Your votes and comments are appreciated.

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Like most men, I find myself occasionally not understanding the "fairer sex." Just when I believe I have a grasp of a situation with one or have connected with one in a meaningful way, I am suddenly left confused and stumbling. Even little things can seem acceptable one time and not the next. One of my coworkers changes her desk layout weekly and reconfigures her computer desktop all the time. And why do women always want to change the furniture arrangement seemingly from month to month? It seems like they want black one time and the next time, white.

Before my current relationship started I was involved with a woman who epitomized these wild swings. I had been dating Angela for quite a few months and felt we had a strong connection. We had moved towards what turned out to be a very nice sexual relationship. We would get together nearly every weekend and enjoy our time together, but she never seemed too interested in discussing long-term issues. For example, if I tried to talk about moving in together she seemed to quickly turn to another topic. Even so, sex with her was frequent, loose and adventuresome, if not occasionally even rather kinky.

I remember our last time when she had me over to her place and surprised me by... well, I won't give you the blow-by-blow details of our last sexual encounter. Instead I will summarize by saying she treated me to a wild, passionate evening of way out-there sexual behavior including light bondage and sexy masturbation. Most men can only fantasize about the kind of evening I had with her. I could not ever recall having such a wild ride before and could easily say that this episode was the best sex that I ever had participated in.

Needless to say, I wanted more of what she had to offer and asked her out for the following Friday to a nice dinner at a wonderful French restaurant. I wanted it to be special and I purchased for her a beautiful necklace with a nice chain and a large diamond nestled in a swirl of a gold abstract flower.

At the restaurant she seemed too quiet and even a little bit remote, unlike her usual personality. I couldn't figure her out and eventually over dessert asked if everything was OK. She smiled a tiny bit and then dropped the bomb. She was leaving me! Here I had a wonderful gift in my pocket for her and I was being dumped. My mind was all confused, I heard very little of what she said, but I do recall some of it. There were phrases like "it's not you, it's me" and "last weekend was a goodbye present." With my head on the table and tears in my eyes I heard her stand up and tell me that she would grab an Uber, then she was gone out of my life forever.

Then, as well as now, I could not understand her, her reasoning and just why she left me. I spent days trying to recall everything that we had done, all of our conversations and tried to come up with a reason, any reason, why she dumped me, and I could think of nothing. Maybe she was just changing men like she did her furniture.

I guess I was just not made to understand women.

For the next months I was in a fog of depression and despair. Friends at work tried to be helpful, but I am afraid I was too short-tempered and they eventually backed off. I quit exercising, drank too much and ate crap for one or two meals a day and the final meal was usually just bourbon.

Finally one day in late January I was sober enough to clean up my place. As I vacuumed by a mirror-covered door I looked at myself and was shocked. I looked like shit, felt like shit and truly was a piece of shit. I decided then and there to start a belated New Year's resolution to clean myself up and get back out there.

I renewed my expired membership to the club and started exercising again four days a week. When the weather cooperated I walked to work. There I renewed my friendship with my coworkers and apologized for my previous behavior. The booze was tossed out and replaced by flavored seltzer drinks and various espresso drinks. It was for this reason that I ended up at the local coffee house nearly every weekday morning on my way to work. I would usually have a mocha or a skinny latte, sometimes with a scone. I was happily greeted each morning by the crew, no doubt in part due to my generous tipping behavior, and became nodding acquaintances with most of the regular customers.

As it was a ritual associated with work, I never went to the coffee shop on weekends. However on one particular Sunday I was a bit late for a scheduled hike with the local Audubon group so I rushed into the coffee shop to grab a quick fix. I rounded the corner and almost plowed into a vision of beauty, causing her drink to spill over onto her little tray.

I was entranced by her blonde hair, which glowed in the morning sun coming through the window. She seemed to be of average height but due to her bulky coat I was unable to get a sense of her build. She had a little frown that was a result of our accident, but it turned into a cute, dimpled smile when I apologized and offered to buy her a new drink. We sat together for a few minutes chatting before I had to leave to catch the Audubon bus. I was at the door when I realized I had not caught her name, so I darted back to her table, told her I was Ben and she nodded and said the single word "Linda".

I resolved then and there to try and meet with her again. Much to my dismay I was there every morning at various times, never seeing her once. Finally two weeks later there she was! I finished my order and took my drink and wandered over to her tiny table and asked if the empty seat was taken. She replied that it was free and buried her head back into the crossword puzzle in front of her. Once I asked her a few questions she put the paper down and spoke a bit with me. She didn't seem to be as friendly as the last time, but we still chatted some more. Finally I said, "I gotta run. See you later, Linda." She looked at me with a slightly puzzled look but responded that she was looking forward to it.

What? A bit of a cold shoulder, then a nice farewell comment? I guess I was just not made to understand women.

After that I no longer went out of my way to try and find her again, but it wasn't long until we bumped into each other. On this occasion she smiled, extracted from me a promise not to spill her drink and we sat down to chat a bit. I asked her how the crossword puzzle was that morning and she answered that she was not really into them all that much. I suggested that the last time we met she must have been using the puzzle to avoid interactions with others in the shop and she smiled while nodding her head while saying that she would sometimes do just that.

After chatting with her for over half an hour she went to excuse herself. I indicated that I had enjoyed sitting with her and that I was looking forward to our next coffee together. She blushed a bit and said that she couldn't wait.

About a week later we met again and on this occasion she had the crossword puzzle pulled out. I took the chair across from her and teased her about using it to avoid talking to me. She grinned a bit and put it away but not before I noted she had finished much of the Sunday New York Times Puzzle, a fairly tough puzzle on most weeks. I was confused but didn't say anything about what she had told me last time about not being into them all that much. Maybe she just meant she wasn't a super good puzzle solver.

We, however, had a good time shooting the breeze and I was really encouraged by her friendly demeanor and cute smile. Her hair remained a beautiful golden color and without her overcoat on she clearly sported a very attractive figure. Her breasts were quite full, but not huge, and her hips seemed quite curvy in her skin-tight jeans. I found myself glancing more and more at her beauty when she was not looking. I liked what I saw and I decided for the first time since Angela that it was time to get back in the mix. I was just about ready to ask Linda out when she quickly excused herself, gave a little air kiss near my cheek and promised to see me again soon.

Was it something I said or did? I wracked my mind trying to figure out why she left abruptly but could come up with no definite reason. Maybe she was suddenly afraid of me or of men in general. But she was smiling and chatting just fine only a few minutes prior. I guess I was just not made to understand women.

Over the next weeks we met several times, always in the coffee shop and as I got to know her more and more, I still wanted to ask her out. Finally one fine Sunday in April I got up the nerve and asked her out. She hesitated just a second and then gave me a full smile and said she would be delighted to go with me.

We made arrangements for me to pick her up the following Friday evening to go for a simple movie and a drink afterwards. I dressed a bit nicer than normal and arrived at the appointed time. After I rang the bell she came to the door and slipped out closing it behind her. She was nicely dressed with a short skirt, a simple blouse that showed off her figure nicely and a sweater draped over her shoulders. I was the perfect gentleman and opened the car door for her. As she slid into the seat I glimpsed a bit of a very well formed thigh. We drove to the theater and watched a Rom-Com movie, which seemed to please her. During one of the sappier moments of the movie she slid her hand over and grabbed mine and held it for the rest of the movie.

We hit the Totem Pole Inn for an after-movie drink. I remembered my promise to myself about booze, so I had just one small Irish coffee while she had a couple of glasses of white wine. The wine seemed to loosen her up a bit and she started to tell me more about herself. She was an elementary school teacher of second and third graders and appeared to be delighted with her job. She went on and on about this child or that and giving me enthusiastic descriptions about their skills and personalities.

As it was getting fairly late I suggested we get her home to which she nodded "yes". Once at her place she paused at the door, turned to me and said, "I really had a nice time with you tonight. I hope you understand but I am a little gun-shy after a recent bad relationship and I want to take things very slowly, if that is OK with you."

"I quite understand. I had a bad break-up several months ago myself and I am fine just spending time with you and getting to know you a little better," I replied.

She grinned and reached up, pulled my face down to her and gave me a light kiss on the cheek. "Good night and I hope to do this again sometime soon," she said. With that she slipped into the apartment and gently closed the door.

The wolf in me was disappointed at how she finished the evening, but I was really fond of her, her smile, her enthusiasm about her work and her personality, so I decided to give her another try.

She had given me her number so I called several days later and invited her to a picnic at the nearby state park for the following Saturday. We agreed to meet at the coffee shop and I promised not to spill her mud. We drove out to the park and spent the entire afternoon strolling along the river. On a couple of occasions our hands would brush each other's and I even tried to hold hers only to be met by her pulling hers away.

Now why would she hold my hand in the movie but not out here? Was she embarrassed to be seen with me? I guess I was just not made to understand women.

Even so we had a great afternoon and on the way back to her place she thanked me repeatedly about the fun time that we had together. At her door I was not sure what to expect and I was surprised when she reached up and gave me a brief but warm kiss right on the lips. Maybe there was hope yet for the budding relationship.

At work I had been quite busy and apparently had not noticed another woman named Jessica, other than to nod at her when we met in the halls. My supervisor came to me one afternoon and closed the door.

"Uh-oh," I thought, "Trouble is brewing."

"Ben, I just want you to know that we are all pleased that you seem to have turned yourself around after your last relationship fell apart. I personally want you to know that you are now a rising star and your contribution to the latest roll-out was superb!"

"Thanks," I replied. "I appreciate the positive feedback."

"Now, Ben," he added, "I hope you are getting back out there a bit, looking for new opportunities, as it were."

"I'm casually seeing a very nice, young teacher, nothing serious, but it is nice to have someone outside of work to talk with now and then."

"OK, glad to hear it. I just wanted to let you know privately that Jess has expressed some interest in you. I overheard her chatting with the girls in the coffee room and I just wanted you to know. Oh, and you do know that office relationships are not always the best idea, but I think the two of you might just hit it off."

I muttered something noncommittal after that and the conversation came to an end. After that day I did spend a little more time talking with Jessica who was a very nice and attractive woman. Somehow, however, she seemed to be angling for something and didn't strike me as wholesome and honest as Linda. This led me to want to spend more time with Linda, so I tried to do just that.

I would chat with her on the phone a few evenings a week, usually just to say "Hi." I was constantly impressed by her bubbly nature, though on some evenings she seemed just a bit more subdued or perhaps just more tired than usual.

On our next date we went to a jazz concert by a trio well known in our area. Their music was mellow, the drummer was muted and the bass player strummed away in a most sensual way. The sax player did not try to overwhelm his partners and the whole effect lead to a very sensual, even sexy, atmosphere. The music was so nice that we didn't talk much except during the intermissions. She did reach over and lightly stroked the back of my hand several times during the concert. Since I had just one alcoholic beverage I was comfortable driving her home. I was again disappointed at the door as she gave me a warm goodnight kiss on the lips but did not invite me in. It was very clear that there was no "sex on the third date" rule with her. I knew she had been burned in a previous relationship but I was beginning to have very strong feelings for her, so I was willing to play the slow game and hope for the best. She did promise to see me again soon and even suggested the next weekend. I readily agreed.

For the following weekend I agreed to accompany her on a shopping trip to the local mall. I know, I know, shopping on a date is pretty lame, but I so enjoyed being with her that I put up with it. Like many malls now there were several storefronts that were boarded up, but she seemed to find a few nice stores. In one she modeled a couple of skirts for me before choosing one that was extremely snug and showed off her ass quite nicely. She then dragged me into Victoria's Secret. Unfortunately she didn't model any of the clothes there, but she did hold up a few nice, skimpy camisoles and eventually chose a nice pink one. I kept having visions of how she would look wearing that and nothing else.

We ate a quick snack at the food court and once we were done she asked me to show her my place. Fortunately, once I quit drinking so much I kept the place fairly neat and I was not at all afraid to have her to my place, indeed I was delighted. I showed her my condo with an open kitchen and living area and a tiny guest bedroom and bathroom on the ground floor. When I said the master bedroom was upstairs she laughed and said that she would save that for another day. Even though I was disappointed we still had a fun time chatting and even watched the second half of her college volleyball team's game against their arch rivals. Linda was excited and pleased that her team had won.

It was fun to see her relaxed and seemingly enjoying herself. After the game I offered her some snacks and a glass of white wine but she said she preferred red, so I provided her with some nice Bordeaux. We sat together on the couch nibbling the cheese and crackers. At one point she placed her hand on my thigh and turned towards me with a bit of a worried smile on her face. I neared her and eventually kissed her. The kiss was warm, moist, inviting and with just a hint of tongue. After a few minutes we came up for air and she murmured, "That was nice."

"We can do it again, if you wish."

She giggled and came back for seconds. We ended up holding each other and enjoying the closeness, but I got the idea that we were not to go any further. Still I was delighted that our physical relationship was moving along, even if glacially slow.

When I took her home she was quite subdued in the car, while letting her head lean on my shoulder. At the door she was quite aggressive with her kissing, but again did not invite me in. On my way home I resolved to be as patient as possible with this delightful young teacher so that I could hopefully teach her how some men, one in particular, could be truly worth her while.

Our next date was to an outdoor concert. There was an amphitheater built with a modest hill for seating. We sat near the back where there were a few kids running and playing, but not enough to interrupt the music for us. Initially we sat side-by-side, but after intermission she ended up sitting in front of me and leaned back to rest on my chest. After dusk and right before the end of the music I reached down and began to kiss her neck just above her collarbone. She stretched her head to the opposite side and hummed a bit. I believed she really enjoyed the attention. I was not too aggressive with my hands; indeed I just let them slide down along her sides and hips. Once I switched over to the other side of her neck she continued to enjoy the attention. Afterwards we returned to her apartment and she gave me a most sensual kiss and shivered a bit before she turned to slip through her door while telling me she had a most wonderful time.

After that date I was hoping to improve our physical relationship a bit more so I planned a special evening the following weekend. There was a dinner theater nearby that was featuring a romantic Neil Simon play. We arrived in plenty of time to finish a scrumptious meal before the play began. We scooted our chairs together and enjoyed the show. During a particularly romantic scene I reached over and tried to kiss her on the neck only to be rebuffed.

"Please don't do that here, it gives me goose bumps," she whispered. I was stunned, as she seemed to enjoy that very kiss the previous weekend. Even so, the rest of the evening was delightful. She was very aggressive with her kissing at the door, even teasing me with her tongue and hugging me quite firmly, so much so that I am sure she felt my erection. Again my inner wolf was left frustrated when she closed her door behind her.

On the next few dates we enjoyed a variety of activities. It turned out she was quite fond of gardening, something that I enjoy a bit. On one Saturday we hit the local garden center, bought several flowering perennials and she helped me weed the front garden and plant the flowers. At one point we got into a battle throwing Stickweed at each other until she was wearing several stuck to her T-shirt. I had fun slowly pulling them off of her and imagining what it would be like to pull off her shirt instead.

She also went with me on another weekend on an Audubon hike and enjoyed trying to spot birds, although she admitted her bird knowledge consisted of robins and bald eagles. I teased her that she then must not have known the difference between chickens and ducks. On another weekend after a day of picnicking at the state park she asked to come to my place again. Once inside she seemed to wander around the downstairs before going off to the bathroom. Once she had freshened herself up I brought her a glass of wine, white was requested this time, and we settled on the couch.