All Comments on 'Undying Love'

Let me guess... in part 2, the parents do it with the children.

EM has RUBS , ok just a little humor. I guess it was ribs. nice tale but if you

do not age , how can you get prego? just asking keep writing

,

but not nearly as good as you usually write. I think you need to add a couple more chapters to "The Anniversary Vacation" and finish that up. much better story than this. just my 2 cents!!

So much of this would be good if you didn't include the vampire stuff without the vampire canon. There are rules that have been established in writing about vampires...Vamps don't eat breakfast (food) for instance...Vamps don't bleed red blood...I even question whether Vamps even "cum" as their bodies are dead and only their consciousness animates the corpse...how can they produce bodily fluids. I don't know why the vampire tone...I know you explain that the mother and father decide to save their daughter by turning her into a vampire and then the family so she wouldn't have a lonely existence.

You say that vamps are misunderstood and are not what we humans have made them be. According to canon (the rules to fictitious reality), vamps have no morals, so there should have been no concern at all for them to fuck and suck the way they wanted to from the start. There would also be no concern by the parents, who would probably have eagerly joined with their natural born children celebrating the "sins of the flesh." Another more important point is the only way (again according to canon) that vamps can have children is to turn humans to vampires.

I understand this is your world...and your vision, but many goths out there are scoffing and laughing at your interpretation. The story would have been better, to me at least, if this was about human desires and needs. It was also a little annoying, to me at least, for it to be told in first person, present tense. First person, past tense would have been acceptable as verb conflicts would have probably been less of an issue. I do not have a penchant for vampire stuff, but an author broaching the subject must follow established rules to make it work for the avid vampire/Gothic reader. Otherwise, the story was well formatted grammatically, good line of thought in an orderly fashion, and it told a story...

Keep it between the kids. let them be a couple. you will ruin a good story if you involve the oldies.

so far. If you have the parents fucking the kids, then 1 star.

3 stars as I liked the premise and the writing was ok. It went from sex scene to sex scene too quickly with a gross lack of character development. If there had been more development, and probably another lit page I could easily see it being worth 4 or 5 stars.

I stopped reading when it became obvious that you are just another Victoria's Secret underwear catalogue wanker.

As a fellow writer also of a vampire/mage story we as writer's can do pretty much what we like. If you don't like the story then just move on. My god this is free entertainment at it's finest. Better yet you don't like it don't read it.

You obviously think this is easy to bang out a decent story and put our selves out there to the ridicule of others. Ignore the comment of the obviously unwashed and uneducated person of that comment.

First Person Present is a difficult tense to write in and be interesting; I personally despise it, it's annoying and leaves nothing to the imagination. Show, don't tell.

This isn't a vampire story, by the way, it's just ordinary folks that you decided to call vampire with no regard to established vampire canon; if you delete every instance of the word 'vampire' it makes absolutely no difference to the story, so this is just a story about a boring midwestern family, period. Dull, very dull, and chucking in the word 'vampire' every couple sentencs doesn't liven it up significantly. I'm sure you've done better work than this, perhaps you should explore and expand on that, rather than vaguely wandering off-piste with this rambling tale of dullness. 3/10

The story seems to be incomplete. What happens after they talk?

for just how long has emily been on birthcontrol.

2.where and when do they get the food

Your story is really out there, where does Emily get her birth control pills? I hope you are planning to continue tis story, sounds weird enough to be interesting. Keep up the good work, do not let the naysayers get you down!

Ok story but I see where this is heading if you continue and it would suck. The dad is upstairs fucking Emily and the mom is going to fuck the son. This should be a story about John and Emily and not a big family orgy. Mom and dad had each other for a long time and now they get to have their kids too and that is an unfair exchange on the kids part. Sorry but if you switch the partners then you will make this worse than it already is. Do yourself a favor and don't try and write a porno.

just please continue

I get that it doesn't go with all the established vampire lore. But come on it's fun and sticks with some of it. If damn twilight can get away with it I don't see why this can't. This was laid back and nice to read.

I'm not sure what everyone else was reading but I loved it.