Unforgiven

Dave answered the door in his dressing gown. Unusual. He wore no expression as he invited me in. When he asked me to hand over my phone and handbag I kicked myself for not thinking of bringing a recorder. Then I asked myself why. He was never going to admit to the assault. I stared briefly at the stranger I had known for over 27 years.

I did feel remorse for how our marriage ended. By explaining how I'd fallen, I hoped to ease his pain and maybe get him to back off a little. He shut me down as soon as I began. Saying he wasn't interested in the why. His tone was harsh and his facial expression blank. Who was this guy? I didn't recognise the face or the voice.

I was stunned when he blithely admitted to beating up John. When I heard his motivation, I could see exactly why'd he'd done it. Let's just say, it didn't ease my conscience any. I genuinely didn't see why Dave hated John so much. He sure set me straight on that very quickly. I suddenly realised how self-centred I'd become. It had blinded me and allowed me to rationalise the completely unacceptable. I suddenly knew not only why we were being punished, but judging by the expression on Dave's face, it wasn't over.

My asking if he remembered what love felt like, was part of my prepared speech. His answer was like a knife twisting in my gut. How else could a fundamentally decent person feel? I knew I had to run. My question about future revenge was simply to see how far.

I hadn't considered that John's wife was a physical threat until Dave's words. With a flash of insight, I suddenly found myself in her shoes. What would I do if she'd done to me what I'd done to her. A chill went down my spine. When I discovered she was upstairs, I ran. I collected John from the hospital, then we both ran.

The divorces were both finalised. The paperwork was delivered to our PO box, two towns away from my new home. The stress of living anonymously, with no friends and constantly looking over my shoulder, was tremendous. We had a little money eventually. The waiting was tough. The only jobs we could get were commission only real estate jobs and it was a long time between drinks.

John and I got married six months later. Looking back on it, we were two castaways thrown together and it was a mistake. I also think one of the motivations was that by getting married, we could retrospectively justify the pain we had caused to so many, especially ourselves.

My latest downfall started innocuously enough. John's one remaining testicle never did work. He was totally incapable of having an erection. We never could afford the course of testosterone treatment required to alleviate the problem. That caused him to be moody, insecure and jealous. Let's face it, a marriage that has infidelity as it's cornerstone is an uphill battle right from the start.

His grouchiness caused me to get very unfriendly as well. A friend of mine recommended HRT therapy as it had fixed her similar condition. I baulked at the probable cost, but she explained that as every second woman over 45 was on it, it was much cheaper than testosterone therapy. One doctors visit later and as if by a miracle, life returned to a happy normal. My doctor had warned me that one of the side effects of Estrogen tablets was a resurgence of my libido. He said it with a smirk, like it was a good thing. When it happens to the wife of a man with erectile dysfunction however, it is very destructive. I found myself hornier than I had been since five years into my marriage to Dave. John refused my pleas of oral sex and masturbation can only get you by so much. I learnt quickly to hide my vibrators from John. They just set him off something shocking.

When a guy at my new work started showing an interest in me, I couldn't help responding. He was much younger than me and it was very flattering. Hiding our dates was extremely stressful. Insanely jealous John was much harder to fool than Dave had been. The first time we kissed was like an electric shock. Not from the thrill of it, but because of the strongdéjà vuexperience it elicited. I refused to go through that again. I refused to cheat. I thought long and hard but finally came up with a solution. It was less than ideal, but John had to respect my drives, didn't he?

So I sat John down Thursday night last week and as gently as possible told him that I wouldn't be home Friday night. I needed to take a lover. I would be discrete, it was only sex and I would never rub his nose in it. I took his silence Thursday night and Friday morning as reluctant acquiescence.

After buying me dinner and a disappointingly short fuck, my new lover fell asleep. In embarrassment I went home to John and I's trailer. He wasn't there. The wail of sirens alerted me to the fact that the dawn had revealed him swinging from a tree. I'd done it again. Destroyed a man. I braced for the payback I knew he had organised. I was surprised to find it only consisted of a suicide note and a letter to his attorney.

Well, the suicide note was emailed to all our friends, who dumped me quicker than an aeroplane toilet. The letter to his attorney was to change the beneficiaries of his life insurance policy and his will from me to his children.

When will I ever learn. Never mess with a man's pride.

The end

Now lighten up.

Doctor, those hormone replacement drugs you put me on have given me side effects.

Yes, well madam, I did warn you there may be side effects. What seems to be the problem?

Well, I've got hair growing where it's never grown before.

Okay madam, yes that is one of the more common side effects. Where is this hair growing?

On my balls.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.