Unisex

Author's note:

This is not a graphic story.

It's short and I tried to write it in a way that anyone can perceive what happened the way they prefer.

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I feel the stare. I look, I wasn't mistaken.

This isn't the first time. But this is the first time I add meaning to it. How to say, this time it's deliberate. Suggesting things. Unthinkable things.

I smile. No reaction. Eyes are still on me. Not moving away. Almost not blinking.

There's definitely something different in that stare. Something of a taboo.

Something of many taboos. Wrong in many ways. But definitely not unreciprocated.

Which raises long forgotten feelings in me.

Like the first time. But it is not.

Maybe it is. Maybe I didn't do or think of anything that wrong before. Not this way. Who would? Who would believe that I'm feeling and thinking this way at the moment?

I can't stop thinking.

Were those thoughts already there? I'd remember if there was such an attraction or interest in any way. At least some confusion. Would I?

Or is it about me? After many years of marriage, in a cuddly routine that is granted for both, longing for some sign of life? Like, missing being desired?

Funny.

Who told I was being desired?

Just that look?

Of course that look. It isn't normal. No one would look at a friend or a friend's spouse like this.

And no one could feel like that, under that stare, if it was innocent. It became our look as seconds passed. The look we shared is not innocent, not one bit.

Like, no one could stop us if we were alone at the moment. How can it be? After all those years without a single sign of interest in each other, out of the blue?

How did I get hooked up like that? Instantly?

We're too familiar to each other, is that the reason? That it was that easy and natural to get on the same frequency? On such a thing?

I have to stop responding to that look. Someone will see.

I can't think of the disaster if someone catches us looking at each other like that.

There are only four of us. And, getting caught staring at each other like this by anyone, except us...

Whomever we get caught by, I mean except us, I can't even consider the unjust hurt we will cause. Innocent, loving spouses, our friends, sitting near us, talking, arguing about something we can't concentrate on.

And we are betraying their trust like this.

And that's only a look. For, I don't know, two minutes?

Which may still be misunderstood by me.

What if it is real?

Who can deny that we're already destroying our friendship every second?

What if it leads to something real?

Are we OK to ruin our spouses? For?

Is it possible to have an affair and act as if nothing happened? How can this friendship, this gang of four remains? Even if it does, will it be remotely the same?

What if that affair consumes us? Because of guilt?

I don't even want to consider falling deeper into each other part. It has to be only sexual attraction. Right? It can't turn to love. RIGHT?

Does such a love last? Founded and raising over destroyed loved ones, destroyed marriages? Can such a love give happiness? Or peace? But I know it's not about that. This is some animalistic impulse. Of two people, who love each other in some way, for years.

My heart beats fast.

I don't know if I can resist to any offer or any seductive movement. But I won't offer. Except, I'm almost sure that my eyes are already saying 'yes' to 'whatever you have on your mind'.

Can such a love sprout anything good? Like a healthy tree? A single day of pure romance, for example? Without guilt?

It's not possible to fathom the impact of such a crazy idea, on each of us, every single one of those four people in this room.

There's no guarantee that I won't be the one who burns the most at the end. I'm not acting selfish in this case. This is inability to resist. Like a victim.

What's going on?

Don't stand up. What are you thinking? Why are you walking towards me? At least stop looking at me like that! Someone will notice!

"Another glass?"

'Anything from your hands' I think. I have forgotten what sexual desire does to a person.

I get it. We will act normal. Not to draw attention.

"If it won't be much trouble" I hear this weak sound coming out of my mouth. I should have just nodded.

I want to look at the others, to make sure no one is suspecting anything. If only I could break this eye contact.

"Me too! Since you're already serving."

That's good. No one suspects anything. No one's tense, except me.

I guess we already experienced more than enough trill. No harm done.

We can act normal for the rest of the night and we can act as if nothing has happened tomorrow. Plus, nothing has happened. Why did I say 'act as if'?

We hear a mild shattering sound. We all go to the kitchen and we see the broken bottle of whiskey in the sink.

"That was the last bottle."

I say "I've got two more at home. Let me get it."

"It? You mean them" laughter.

"Ok, ok..."

I leave their house and walk to the next one, our home. I get the bottles, put them in a nylon bag and open the door. No way!

"I came to help"

"Err, I guess I can handle it"

I see that the help came with the eager eyes, staring as they did before. In fact, staring in a more daring, more determined way. I have to do something. I can't think. One of us has to act wise.

"What are you doing?"

"Me? So, it's about me only."

No, it's getting worse.

Now, it's not only stares.

Words support my crazy suspicions.

That hand, moving towards my cheek, it's not suspicion anymore.

"You will burn us. If they find out..."

If that's not a confession, then what is?

I can't talk anymore.

My lips are responsible for something else now.

Those lips, approaching. My lips have to welcome them. No, I have to resist.

I fail to resist.

There are million words to say but I forget them. Or I care less.

It's not only lips now. Lips are overrun by tongues.

Arms and hands moving over each other's body; there's grabbing, touching.

I know I didn't start this. But, does it matter?

At the moment I'm not sure which one of us is damaging the other one's marriage, putting stain on the other one's fidelity more. Which one of us is exploiting the other's uncontrollable desire?

I'm not even sure that look was the first step in this. Maybe I started everything, without knowing and intentions. Maybe somehow, I'm the reason of that confusion, appeared in years because of something I had or did, which was found charming or sexy.

Otherwise, what would be the reason for that stare?

I lost track of time at some point.

I don't know at which moment we became half naked, moved to the couch in my living room.

I'm lost in our heavy breathing, moans, grunts. We are two bodies moving like one, sliding over and in each other, glued and lubricated by sweat and saliva.

How stupid are we? Forgetting how long it had been we were gone missing, just to pick whiskey from next door?

Maybe they trust us too much, it doesn't even occur to them something indecent like this could be going on.

But we don't care at the moment. There is everything but no worries.

Time to time there is wrestling, time to time there is struggle ending in submission.

There is pain, pleasure, lip biting. Biting own lips, biting the other's lips.

How could we get heated like that? When??

And finally, there was relief, one after the other's. Almost at the same time.

Just before realizing the filthy depth we got ourselves into, something unexpected happens.

That kiss.

Right after leaving all the derailing arousal, I wasn't expecting this soft, gentle kiss, showing that we are far from being satisfied with this yet.

We don't talk.

We just decide to return a few minutes apart, not to raise anymore curiosity. As if one of us was... What? Taking a bath? We can't think of answers, without knowing the questions.

Nobody even looks at me when I return. This hurts even more. Having such a comfort, such a trust with your spouse or your friend and to be betrayed like that. I feel spineless.

I pour the drinks and sit.

A few minutes later, everyone's there, sitting where they were, about...

I look at my watch and...

Yes, everyone's back to their seats after one hour. One hour!

What were they talking about, how on earth they didn't notice that?

And, we're still staring at each other. I can't get enough of those hungry, deceitful eyes looking at me.

I'm embarrassed, as much as I feel naughty. Naughty enough to consider asking them if they needed some snacks too.