Unity and Destiny Pt. 03

He was mulling over that unpleasant notion when he felt the first long pulse, and his heart soared. Esther.

He listened eagerly, but it was far weaker than all the times they'd practiced. And it faded out completely after one word.

"Trying."

He almost cried. Of course she was trying. But he loved her for doing what she could to reassure him.

Marriage. He'd never brought up anything like that with Esther. They were so young, and they had so much time. And he'd just kind of assumed they were in it for the long haul. Surely Esther knew he felt that way? It didn't matter. He'd make it a lot more clear to her when this whole mess was over. And in the meantime, he had to do what he could for Nicola.

* * *

Esther, Mark, and Selena were in the air not long after sunrise. As always Mark looked down in fascination, smiling as they soared over the morning fog filling the Central Valley like an ocean. Ahead of them the mighty Sierras glistened with half-melted snowfall, as though holding their breath for the cold season's true arrival.

"I can't believe you can even lower the noise from this thing," Selena said. "You could make big bucks that way, just flying around with rich businesspeople."

She seemed in a better mood today. But she'd also told Esther she always felt more at peace flying an aircraft than anywhere else. The sound up here was just ordinary machine noise, and the simple rush of air outside. Familiar smells of machine oil, fuel, plastic, and dry air. Fewer distractions, except when she had passengers.

When they landed in the small airport outside Phoenix, Selena already had a rental car waiting. Esther was glad to have someone able to take care of all those things. This was all so much faster than she could have managed on her own.

They were soon driving on a two-lane highway through gorgeous, desolate scrub, with mesquite and sage mixing with surprising stands of cactus. Just as a desert was supposed to look, Esther thought with delight.

When they neared their destination, Esther turned to Mark. "Would you be willing to wait out of sight? The other group of Chosen was looking for you, and I'd rather this man not see you. I don't think he's strong enough to sense you if I'm trying to keep you hidden. And I promise I'll call if we need you."

Mark nodded slowly.

"Don't worry," said Selena. "I started weightlifting, the way you suggested. It had never occurred to me to try, but you were right. I'm getting stronger faster than I expected. It's a little unsettling. Anyway, we can take care of ourselves."

Mark crouched in the back seat while they rolled down the obvious gravel road toward a lone adobe house. Esther could feel the man's presence strongly. Familiar from so many dreams and memories, but frail. This man wasn't what he'd been twelve years ago.

They pulled into the paved driveway behind a van, the sort that looked modified for driver in a wheelchair. Esther and Selena got out and walked up to the door. No bell, or any sign he ever expected visitors.

Esther knocked loudly. The man was obviously both annoyed and curious, and he wheeled slowly to open the door.

"Well? Who the hell are you, then—"

He stopped, squinting at Esther. His eyes widened, and then he closed them. She felt him trying to sense her, but she wasn't going to open herself to that.

Finally he opened them again.

"Annie," he whispered. "Is it really you?"

It was the last thing Esther expected. Who exactly did he think she was?

She shook her head. "My name is Esther. I'm here to ask you about a group you might know something about. The Chosen."

Esther stopped, realizing he was crying, not listening anymore.

"Esther, that's what they called you," he choked. "It's my Annie, finally come to see me."

Esther stared at him, a horrible suspicion rising in her mind.

"Who are you, really?" Selena asked sharply. "Why do you think you know her?"

The man shook his head, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. "Of course I know her. She's my daughter."

There was a roaring in Esther's ears. This man couldn't be her father. Her father had been murdered, almost two years ago. She'd loved him so terribly. This man was—he wasn't a good man. That much she knew already.

Selena stepped forward and slammed her hands on the sides of his wheelchair. Esther had never seen her so angry.

"Don't you fucking lie to her," she said. "You're not her father. I know that for a fact."

Esther saw him struggling with anger, his body tensing. She suddenly realized he wasn't as helpless as he looked. He could get out of that chair if necessary, and she could feel him reaching with his senses, doing something she didn't entirely understand. She prepared to call for Mark, but just as suddenly the old man deflated.

"You're right," he said bleakly. "I could never have been her father. I'm not the kind of man who could be a father. I did the best I could."

Selena moved her face closer to his.

"Why don't you invite us in," she said. "And then you can explain exactly what you mean, from the start. The orgies in the desert, the visions, all of it. Whatever it is you know about Esther's past. And don't even think of lying again. Esther is sweet and trusting. I'm not."

The man flinched away from her, then scowled. But he wheeled back a few steps, gesturing them to follow. Esther could see the need in his eyes. He would tell them what he knew. She was no longer sure she wanted to know, but it was their best hope for Javier and Nicola. And afterwards, she would get away from this place as quickly as she could and try to forget him.

He led them to a messy living room, the couch covered in old mail and other papers. The man shook his head and pointed at some chairs jumbled in the corner. Selena and Esther retrieved them and sat across from him.

"My name is Benjamin Price," he said. "One of my names, anyway. That was what I called myself back when it happened. Maybe thirteen years ago."

"So you weren't there when she was born," Selena said.

Benjamin scowled at her. "You want me to tell this story? Stop interrupting. But no, I wasn't there when she was born. I don't know who her birth parents were. She did live with me for a year, though. I really was her father, or the closest I could be to it, for a while. Satisfied?"

Selena didn't say anything, so that must have been the truth as he viewed it. Esther nodded, trying to stop clenching her hands. It was just information about a past she didn't remember. None of this could hurt her. This man didn't have to be anything to her if she didn't want him to be.

"Go ahead, Mr. Price," she said, seeing him wince at the formality. "How did it start, then? Thirteen years ago. I would have been seven."

He squinted in confusion. "No, you weren't seven. But of course, you wouldn't understand. I guess I'll have to start earlier than that. I think I heard you say something about the Chosen?"

Esther nodded.

"That was my upbringing," he said. "So long ago. I'm one of them, or maybe I used to be. How much do you know about them?"

"Very little," said Esther. "Some kind of cult for people with abilities like ours."

"Ah, so you do have abilities," he said, smiling in satisfaction. But when he saw Selena's expression, he hurried on. "I guess cult is as good a word as any, though even now it hurts to hear you describe it like that. The Chosen might say you're already one of them, but you just don't realize it yet. Your friend too. Whatever her name is."

He waited for Selena to introduce herself, but she was silent.

"You have to understand, I knew nothing of life except the Chosen. We were in a great big house somewhere in Utah or Colorado or that area. Just a few families, and the occasional newcomer. They would come to marry. That's how it worked for my oldest sister. She had two little babies by the time I left. No, let me tell the truth. They cast me out. I was only fifteen."

Despite herself Esther couldn't help but feel sympathy. Throwing him out of the only home he knew, at such a young age?

"And what exactly did you do to get yourself cast out?" Selena asked, mouth tight.

Benjamin looked uncomfortable, and suddenly he couldn't meet Esther's eyes.

"It's not important," he said. "That doesn't have anything to do with Annie—"

"I told you not to lie, Benjamin. And her name's Esther."

Benjamin nodded, looking defeated.

"Esther. A beautiful name. All right, then. I'm an old man and I don't pretend I've led a virtuous life. Now, I'll have to explain more about the path the Chosen follow. We called it the Way. But it's all centered on a particular set of ceremonies. People like us, the Chosen, whatever you want to call us—"

"The Changed," said Esther.

"As good as any name. Anyway, people like us are all connected. All the time, even when we don't know it. That's what the Chosen believe, and it's what I still believe. Some of us are unusually bright, or strong, or very sensitive to the world around us. But all of that pales compared to what we are together. Our minds are constantly working together to understand everything, and the Way *is* everything. It's everything that happens or will happen. Only our imperfect understanding of the Way stands between us and a harmonious existence."

"You still believe all that?" Selena asked.

"More days than not," he said. "But I guess it doesn't matter if you believe or not, because that's what the Chosen believe. The point is, the Way is real. In these ceremonies of Union we can glimpse truths beyond ordinary human perception. Even events in the future. But only poorly. Anyone who has experienced Union desires nothing more than to understand better. More meditation, more Union, and whatever actions we can discern to bring the world closer to harmony with the Way. It is difficult to explain exactly, but that is how I remember it."

"So what happened with you?" Esther asked.

Benjamin looked down. "My abilities were stronger than anyone else among our families. Almost too strong. They call it being Blessed, but beyond a certain point it is no longer a blessing. There is a balance to be maintained, you see. An individual, too strong, can warp the entire group's perception of the Way. Or that is how they explained it. Later I wondered if it was a way for the older folks to maintain their sense of control. And no doubt it's also because those with too many Blessings have difficulty conceiving children. But I cannot stress this strongly enough. There was a limit to the Blessings an infant was allowed, even if the elders had bitter arguments over individual cases."

Esther was aware Benjamin was avoiding the question of his dismissal, but this was vital information nonetheless. "How could they enforce that, though? Isn't it unpredictable?"

Selena shook her head slowly. "They killed the children, didn't they. Killed them for being too different."

Benjamin nodded unhappily. "So I heard, though it never happened while I was there. I believe it's very unusual. I only heard tell of how hard my parents fought for me. I have also heard there are ways a child's Blessings can be nullified. Ceremonies during their growing years to prevent them from ever developing their abilities. But that may have been a children's tale to soften the truth."

Esther finally grasped the point Benjamin was making. "I have too many Changes. I never would have been allowed to live or grow up normally among the Chosen."

"Without a doubt," Benjamin said, eager to move on. "I knew it the first time I saw you. And I'm sure my sister did as well. That's why she would have taken you."

Esther leaned forward, dreading and needing the rest of this story.

"Hold on," Selena said. "Last time. Why did they kick you out, exactly?"

Benjamin looked wretched, but he took a deep breath.

"I was an adolescent boy," he said. "Hormones raging like any other fifteen-year-old. And of course there was a girl I liked, and we'd both just come of age for devotions. I tried to sit next to her whenever I could during Unity, because the closeness you could get—oh, it was all mixed up in my head. And I lost sight of the Way, because all I wanted just then was the pleasure I was denied until I was a full adult."

Selena stared at him. "You lusted after her," she said slowly. "But it wasn't just that, was it? You were stronger than everyone else in Unity services."

"Yes," he said miserably. "I was too young and confused to know how to act on the feelings I had. But others knew full well how it all worked. And when the elders finally managed to restore order, it was too late. A shocking number of couplings or near-couplings had begun among the adults, ones that should never have taken place. It was a disaster."

"You were a boy, though," said Esther. "You didn't know what was going to happen."

"That didn't matter," he said. "It was evidence of the mistake they'd made. I was too strong. They argued about it for days. Perhaps they even considered executing me, but in the end it was expulsion. Of course, it was not so simple as mere expulsion. The Chosen are fanatical about secrecy. Very occasionally adults decide they can no longer follow the Way, and if they are firm in their beliefs, they are allowed to leave. But they are not permitted to remember anything about their time among the Chosen. There are long rituals capable of this kind of memory erasure. It is a cruel sort of banishment."

"You remembered," said Selena. "Quite a lot. How did that happen?"

"As I told you, I was too strong," he said. "I did actually forget all of this for years, and I imagine they thought it had worked. Indeed, there are still great gaps in my memory, precisely about the things they must have worked hardest for me to forget. I can't remember anything about their precise location. I can't remember how the Unity meditations worked, or most of the others. Only fragments. It is a devastating loss. And I suspect it did not leave my mind quite correct. I've done things in my life I'm not proud of, and frequently I didn't even understand why I was doing them."

"Tell me about your sister," Esther said. "And how it all fits with what you did in the canyon. The dreamers."

"How do you know about all that? Did I finally reach you, then?"

"Just answer her," said Selena.

Benjamin nodded. "My sister, then. I'd lived on my own here for years, and then somehow she tracked me down. She was dying. My bright, sparkling little sister was a tired old woman, but I knew her right away. She had a child with her, and as I said I knew immediately you were Blessed beyond ordinary limits. Sarah told me nothing of your origins. I considered the possibility that you were her child, but that would have made Sarah an elderly mother even for our kind. More likely she stole you away from another mother, perhaps with their blessing. She wouldn't even tell me how old you were, but she implied you were at least fifteen. Of an age to attend Union devotions. I know it seems hard to believe, but it did not seem impossible to me. I was a slow-growing child myself, and you have far more Blessings than I did."

Esther tried to absorb that. Eight years older at least, more years of her life she had no memory of. She was probably in her late twenties. It made no sense, even though Abuela had tried to prepare her for the possibility.

Selena was asking her something. She blinked.

"Yes, I'm all right. A lot to take in. Go ahead, Mr. Price."

He looked pained again, but she wasn't going to give him the familiarity he wanted.

"Sarah did tell me a few things about the Chosen. There had been a schism, or perhaps more than one. I think they had sensed in the Way different portions of a complicated truth, and it had driven them apart. She was enough of a believer that she still wouldn't share those secrets with me. But she was desperate for your safety, and convinced that you were vital for the future. Everyone's future, she said, not just the Chosen. I don't know if she'd seen something, or she was simply your mother. I may not have been your father, but Sarah was certainly a mother for you. And she was a good woman.

"She came to me out of desperation, a fugitive seeking an outcast. She remembered me for the confused boy I was, not the pathetic man I became. And then she died only a week later, leaving me with the greatest responsibility of my life. You were in shock, and I was beyond panic. I knew nothing about raising a child."

"What was I like?" Esther blurted.

He smiled wistfully. "You were quiet, almost to the point of silence. You thought carefully and rarely shared those thoughts with me. But you had an astonishing memory. Given some time you could memorize a book. You could even repeat things your mother had told you years ago, verbatim, and in my loneliness I begged you to do that sometimes. But you never entirely trusted me, and those moments were few and far between. I knew you were miserable cooped up here with me, and from the start I knew you needed proper parents. But I had no one to trust. And I suspected there were further changes coming, ones which might leave me even less capable of taking care of you. So I turned to the only solution I could think of. The dreamers, as you call them.

"I could not remember or perform the proper Union meditations. But over the decades I had reconstructed something similar enough to let me touch the Way again. It was all wrong, colored by those fractured, hormone-riddled memories. But I was a weak and lonely man, and I tried to make sure my partners understood what they were getting into. I was always good at picking out someone with even the slightest Blessing, and with a handful of partners, I could reach that brief glorious glimpse of the Way."

"Mystical orgies," Selena snorted. "I'm sure that had great currency with the right crowd."

Benjamin glared at her. "I gave it up eventually, when I found I could do something similar in my dreams. These partners wouldn't remember anything except a particularly strange erotic dream. It solved many problems."

Esther felt a rising anger. "What problems? Problems for you? You didn't even ask their permission?"

Benjamin winced. "That was how I thought about it at the time, anyway. Over the years I frequently tried to stop, but I was never entirely successful. The Way still calls me, you see."

"Get to the point," said Selena. "Explain how you turned these dream partners into real-life partners. Explain the canyon, and the visions that led you to leave Esther where you did."

He goggled. "You already know about that? Then what else is there to tell, really?"

"Explain it anyway," said Esther.

"You must understand, I needed to *know* something. Not just to get glimpses of the Way, glimpses that were incomprehensible to me without a proper Union. And so in an attempt to redeem my miserable life, I did something unforgivable. I profaned one of the ancient spaces. That canyon was a secret even among secrets to the Chosen. We visited it twice a year, on the most important holidays, and I was only old enough to travel a single time. The others would have been incensed to find that I recalled enough of that trip to discover the canyon again, after years of searching. But I was never fool enough to enter it. Not until after your mother died.

"What is there to tell? I bought a big van. I selected a few dream partners I judged best compatible. I nudged one to find another, and then the rest were drawn easily enough into one place, whoever lived nearest me. Then I left you with plenty of food and instructions to stay put, and I drove to meet them. Years before I had worked out the closest possible place to the canyon accessible by rough driving. So I took them there, with a van loaded with food and water. They occupied themselves on the way, and in that state they were suggestible enough that I could cajole them into putting on packs and walking the mile and a half to the proper spot. And of course they were eager to enter once they were close. I always feared that others would show up, but the canyon showed no signs of use for years, or even decades. I don't know what happened to my family."