Unity and Destiny Pt. 06

"Well, I think you're welcome again," said Javier. "I slept great, too."

Grace sighed, sitting up. She was quite properly buttoned. But he could imagine.

"I usually sleep on the other side of Kat," she said, looking embarrassed.

"It was fine," Javier said. "I mean, I didn't mind. There was hardly any space anyway."

"Yeah," Grace agreed. "Well, if we do this again, I won't let Kat bully me into being in the middle."

"Or we could stick Esther in the middle," agreed Javier.

"Yeah," Grace said, not quite looking at him. "Sure. Well, I guess I'll leave you your own room then."

* * *

Nicola was in a foul mood that morning. Probably it was the whole situation the other day with the wood stove. Nicola mostly trusted Grace and Kat now with the daily shopping trip, though she sent them with painstaking instructions. But she felt the need to take over for anything large or complicated. And when she was deep in a project, she hated feeling like she was wasting her time.

Over breakfast, Esther finished summarizing what she'd discovered during yesterday's explorations of otherspace.

"Nicola and Mark," Esther said carefully. "I think we should pick up some of our work from the summer. We need to get you more resistant to compulsion. There are some very dangerous Changed out there."

Mark nodded seriously, but Nicola shook her head. "I don't know what the point is. I barely made any progress before. And today I need to go check on the stove again, except they probably won't have it anyway."

Mark stared at Nicola in surprise. "You need to do this. Esther's right. I'm not good at it, either, but that just means we have to work harder."

"I can go help with the stove, if you think that would help," said Javier. Esther nodded. For whatever reason, Nicola trusted him more than Grace and Kat in this sort of thing. And sure enough, Nicola gave in.

"Fine," she said. "Let's work on it, then. After I get the concrete poured for the generator platform. And Javier, if they actually have the stove, you make damn sure to help secure it properly, and don't you dare drive that truck over all those stumps with it. I'll come down to help."

"Sure," Javier said. "Why don't you go over your list with the three of us, and then we'll be on our way."

Esther loved watching the way Javier handled things. He was much smarter about social interactions than she was. Rarely showing if he was irritated, always helping keep other people calm. Grace was like that, too, she supposed.

Too late she realized what Javier had done. She'd meant to set aside time with him during the day, before she got too tired. He'd been so horny last night, and she'd been looking forward to it. Then again, the errands didn't usually take all day.

Don't be too late, she sent to him. We have a date, remember.

Javier almost jumped, and then smiled at her. He'd seemed to really like it last night when she talked to him that way. She'd have to find more excuses. It was too bad that her voice quickly lost clarity at a distance. But that would be something fun to work on.

After the others left, Nicola waved off her offer of help with the concrete pouring. "No, you should do your meditations. It's more important than any of this work."

Her phrasing was so similar to something Javier had said. It annoyed Esther, but she understood why they thought that way. And she did need the time, not exactly for meditations, but to think over everything she'd learned the previous evening.

She lay on the bed, looking without really focusing on the drawing she'd done last night, letting her mind put together details in different ways. Watching her mind work without pushing it in any particular direction. It wasn't so different from the way she explored otherspace sometimes. Her mind was itself a portion of otherspace, after all. And yet as far as she knew, all of otherspace was accessible within her mind. A cute philosophical problem, but the resolution wasn't so complicated. Descartes was wrong: her mind wasn't separate from the universe. Exploring otherspace wasn't truly a voyage within her mind, the way Javier sometimes romanticized it. Her senses were her connection to otherspace, which existed independent of her intellect, or anyone else's.

Except God, if there was a God.

The Chosen didn't think of themselves as religious, but their conception of the Way seemed to describe part of otherspace. Or so she assumed. Maybe she was being arrogant by assuming her vision encompassed everyone else's. Still, she was sure she'd felt Unity as a set of connections in otherspace. The collective unconscious of all the Changed, maybe.

She sighed and put down her drawing. This line of thought was too theoretical. And she was distracted. Her body was well-rested, comfortable on the bed. And it had been a couple days since she'd had an orgasm. She didn't know why she felt weird about masturbating lately. Maybe it was a holdover from that awful period last spring and summer, when she'd been desperate to save it all up for Javier. She knew she was still digging herself out from that.

Javier certainly masturbated often enough, and he knew that she knew, but he deserved his privacy, so she never said anything about it. Even Grace and Kat masturbated on their own, Grace a lot more often. Kat seemed utterly at ease doing it in front of Grace. Well, for heaven's sake, that pair deserved their privacy as well. Esther usually managed not to think about things like this, but she never truly forgot anything her mind observed, and the Watch was always going.

She pulled down her pants and arched her back, rubbing her spots against the bed. Better to avoid thinking about things she'd actually seen happening. Better to think about wildly improbable scenarios. Javier with his penis buried inside Grace's tight passage, the look of sexual hunger and wild astonishment on Grace's face, as though she had no idea why she was doing this, even as she lowered her face to lick between Esther's legs. And Mark behind Esther, lifting her up easily even as Grace kept licking, settling his penis against her anus, letting her weight slowly back down, so slowly—

Except now Mark, the real Mark, was nearing the house. He and Nicola had finished with the concrete. He would politely wait until Esther came out to find them. Nicola might not, though, not in the mood she was in. Esther was well-hidden as always, though not so much they didn't know where she was. Neither of them would know what she was doing right now, though they'd pick it up fast enough when they came in.

With a sigh she pulled up her pants and licked her fingers. Nicola wouldn't be fooled, but she'd likely pretend to ignore it.

"Come on in," she said just as Nicola was about to knock.

Nicola's expression changed shortly after she opened the door.

"Oh. I'm interrupting, aren't I? Sorry, Esther."

"No, it's fine. Let's get started, shall we?"

Mark came in as well, and the two of them sat at the foot of her bed, while Esther leaned against the headboard.

"Have you been practicing those new meditations? The ones based on what we learned about resisting the ancient places?"

Mark nodded solemnly. Nicola did as well, but then she shook her head.

"Not enough," she admitted. "I can't keep my concentration."

"OK," Esther said easily. But she was a bit shocked. Nicola had always seemed the most terrified of any of them about being controlled. Surely her experience in Oregon would only have increased her motivation. "Let's start with that, then."

Sure enough, Nicola began fidgeting slightly after ten minutes, even as Mark slipped easily into the meditation, his senses focusing on his own body. Selena had been the best at this, but Mark had gotten a lot better as well. It made sense, as he'd always been the best of all at understanding his own body.

When Esther interrupted them, Mark smiled. "It is so much easier today, with the vision utterly gone. Less distraction."

Nicola looked even more miserable hearing that. And the rest of the session went similarly. Mark was getting better at resisting her attempts to pull him towards her. Nicola hardly seemed any better than she had by the end of the summer. Maybe she was even worse.

After about two hours, Nicola finally lost her temper.

"Goddamnit, Mark, why is everything always so easy for you?"

Mark looked hurt, of course. "You know not everything is easy for me, Nicola. And I know you can do this."

"Maybe I can't," Nicola said. "Maybe trying to do this is like you trying to memorize my fucking shopping lists. Maybe—"

But she broke off there, realizing she'd crossed a line.

"Mark, I'm sorry," she said, reaching to hold his hand. He shook it off and stood up.

"I think I need to get some fresh air," he said tightly, and then fled the house.

"Oh, fuck me," Nicola said, wiping her eyes. "Why did I say that? Why do I always do that, Esther? Someday I'm going to hurt him so badly that he'll just give up."

"No, he won't," said Esther. "You know that. You both love each other far too much."

Nicola bit off whatever remark she was going to make, and nodded with resignation. "He's OK, isn't he? I can't even hear him anymore."

"He's fine," Esther said. "Just off running. Now, can you tell me what's bothering you so much?"

"No," Nicola said. "Everything's bothering me. The stupid stove. The bits of moldy something I can't identify in here. My inability to practice what I know I should. My being a prick to everyone. All of Kat's whining, and then her and Grace snuggling up with you and Javier. Being stalled with my abilities again. I could go on all day."

Esther nodded. But the thing about Kat and Grace surprised her. A sort of jealousy? Before Christmas, Nicola had seemed utterly comfortable with just Mark. It was Esther who'd been trying so hard to forget about the rush of sensations she got from sharing senses with Nicola.

Well, this was Nicola. She should just say it.

"Are you jealous of Grace and Kat?"

"No," Nicola said. "Of course not. It's just annoying. I hate the noises Kat makes. Oh, Christ, I'm so petty, aren't I?"

There was a piece Esther was missing. Nicola was avoiding something. Esther understood enough about herself to see it in someone else.

"Do you still miss Unity?" she said slowly.

"NO! God, no. It makes my skin crawl to even think about it, Esther. Sometimes, late at night, I almost wonder if I can hear them. Maybe I'm still part of it, in my dreams, the way Benjamin thought. Maybe we all are. How would we even know, Esther?"

"You're terrified," Esther said softly.

Nicola seemed about to deny it, but she didn't. For a long time she sat still, looking at the floor.

"I miss Javier," she said finally. "I miss that feeling of holding on to him for dear life, but it's impossible to think of that without remembering Unity. And I truly miss sharing senses with you, except that makes me think of Unity too. Even what I can manage with Mark on my own is starting to feel like too much."

"I miss sharing senses, too. A lot more than I've told Javier lately. He's more honest with me, I think. He misses you, too."

"What a mess," Nicola said, half smiling. "And I feel like a total asshole to have interrupted you earlier. Next time promise you'll tell me to come back later. Or just give me a shove. I think I proved pretty well I can't resist it."

"Maybe you don't want to," Esther said. "Maybe that's the real problem."

Nicola nodded slowly, looking surprised. "Huh. I hadn't thought of it that way. Maybe you're the worst person to be trying to teach me this. If you were Franklin, God help me, or even Abuela—"

"Or maybe it means I'm the best person," Esther said, giving her a strong pull, of a very specific kind. An instant later, Nicola was kissing her passionately. Her friend finally pulled away, with a shudder.

"Fuck," Nicola said. "No, you don't have to apologize. I know exactly what you did, and I didn't fight it at all. You made your point. If I could fight you off, surely I'd be able to fight off someone I didn't want to fuck."

"Oh," Esther said. "Right, that was the point I was trying to make. I got distracted when you kissed me."

Nicola started laughing loudly, and Esther knew she'd done the right thing. But it wasn't really the whole point she'd been trying to make.

"Maybe if this wasn't hanging unresolved between us, you could focus better," she said. "Maybe we just made more problems by trying to keep our distance. Do you really think sharing senses was just like Unity?"

"No," Nicola said. "It was like I told Javier. It was better than Unity."

"But you once said that you didn't want it to stop in the way you didn't want someone to stop giving you oral sex. Not like a drug. That's the way I miss it, too."

Nicola shook her head.

"I did say that," she agreed. "But it's all mixed together now. It feels like sharing senses opens me up in the same way Unity does. What if I'm leaking into that collective unconscious, and I'm helping those zealots without even knowing it? Like someone's hijacked a piece of my brain for their own use?"

"If you were," Esther said solemnly, "I would be able to tell. I don't understand Unity, Nicola, and I certainly don't trust it. But that's in part because I couldn't see where the connections went in otherspace, and I was too cautious to follow them. I don't see any of that now, and if you like I'll watch you all night to make sure nothing subtle is happening while you dream. I see more clearly than I ever have, and I would cut connections like that before they ever manifested."

To her surprise, Nicola was starting to tear up.

"Of course you would," she said, standing up quickly. "I'm sorry, Esther, I can't think about this anymore. But I'll practice my meditations anyway, and maybe tomorrow I'll be less of a mess. Thank you for forcing me to talk. And remind me to tell Mark how much I love him if I'm too big an asshole to remember."

* * *

"What is Nicola's problem, anyway?" Kat said, before failing to avoid yet another pothole. "It's like she thinks only a man can be trusted with the manly things, and of course Nicola's an honorary man, an exception to the rule of useless womanhood."

Javier was starting to wish he'd taken the wheel instead, but he hadn't wanted to insult them the same way Nicola had. Now he just nodded and let Kat rant.

"I get it that I'm a city girl, and I only really know how to handle delicate, womanly electronics, but Grace knows her way around a hardware store. Sometimes I think Nicola barely even notices she's there."

"Kat," Grace said again. "It's OK. Nicola's just annoyed about the stove."

"And taking it out on all of us as usual," Kat fumed. "But especially the visiting lesbians, the ones without any Changes to make them useful. I guess in that you're the honorary one, Javier. Maybe you get Changed groupie status for having stuck around them so long."

"Shut the fuck up, Kat," Grace said. "Apologize right now."

Kat shut up. And a few seconds later, she pulled the truck to a stop, putting her head on the steering wheel.

"Oh, God, Javier, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I said all that. It was totally inappropriate. To you and all the others. And here I was complaining that Nicola was being bitchy."

"How about I drive for a while," Grace said. "And then you can think about why you're feeling so pissy."

Javier sat uncomfortably in the passenger seat while they swapped. Grace gave him a sympathetic look before starting the truck up again.

"I was going to blame the lack of hot water," Kat said eventually. "And that I don't like living rough. Along with—well, never mind, I'll keep my mouth shut for once. Anyway, that's all cheating. Really, it's that I hate feeling useless, and Nicola sure knows how to make me feel that way without even trying. I mean, look at her! She's far smarter than me, she can build anything, she's as strong as a man twice her size, never gets sick, has a perfect body and is drop-dead gorgeous. Oh, and she has X-ray vision and can see how atoms vibrate. Meanwhile I'm a hacker without a real computer, reduced to hoping that maybe Geoff will have run into something I can help with over e-mail. But he's far too competent."

She flopped back on her seat with disgust.

"Feel better?" Grace asked.

"Yes, and fuck you," said Kat, sticking her tongue out at Grace in the mirror. Grace smiled.

"If you want," Javier said, "I could argue with all that. But I think I'll just leave it alone."

"Like a turd," Kat agreed. "Why don't we all just stand here and admire it. I bet none of you realized I could drop one that size. From such a petite lady, too."

"Now you're just feeling sorry for yourself," Grace said. "Do we need to send the man in for all the things at the hardware store while I see how I can make you feel better?"

Kat started laughing. "OK, you win. No, go ahead and drop me off at Jacob's like usual. But you can think about those things in the meantime. Actually, if you don't mind, I'll start thinking about it right now. God, I'm so sorry, Javier. And you too, Grace. You haven't whined once, in all of this craziness. I don't know how you even put up with me."

"You're brilliant, funny, and the sexiest woman I ever met," said Grace. "Plus, you give great head."

Javier and Kat cracked up, and Grace smiled at Kat in the mirror.

Kat said goodbye to them at Jacob's house, taking her laptop and letting herself in with the key Jacob had given her. She spent a few hours most days at this, catching up on messages, doing some programming, and trying to understand what the Black Christmas attackers had done to fragment the Internet so dramatically. Kat said that compared to bombs or setting fire to a refinery, it seemed a terrifyingly sophisticated attack.

On their way to the hardware store, Grace glanced at Javier.

"Sorry about that," she said. "Nothing worse than being stuck hearing lovers fighting."

"You fight pretty darned constructively," Javier said. "And Kat was right. You know exactly how to handle her when she gets like this. She adores you."

Grace smiled. "Look at what you just did. You slyly complimented us both. You're so sneaky about that, aren't you, Javier?"

"OK, then, you guys are great friends and you're both brave and hot and brilliant and so perfect for each other it makes everyone jealous. Better?"

Grace laughed. "Hah, you pretended to be not-sneaky, but you used it as an excuse to give us even bigger compliments. That makes it double-sneaky. You can't fool me, Javier."

"I guess not," he agreed, smiling. And she was right, though he felt a little guilty about how true it all was. Especially the hot part, and how jealous he was sometimes of them. But Esther had promised they'd have time together later. And maybe the wood stove wouldn't be in today either, and the four of them would share a bed again.

But the stove was waiting for them after all. It was massive, so before their other shopping they got it secured in the back of the truck, with the help of a lift and several employees.

When they'd finished at the hardware store, Javier got in to drive to their next stop.

"Kat will be disappointed," Grace said with a smile. "That the stove was in."

"Just to spite Nicola? Or did she want to freeze her tits again?"

"No," Grace said. "She really liked sharing the bed with you two. She told me that at least three times this morning."

Javier glanced at her. He wasn't quite sure what she was getting at.

"But you weren't so keen?" he finally said.

Grace shook her head. "No, that's not it. I was glad she convinced me. I slept well, and it was cozy. I even had good dreams. It's just, well, it's more complicated than that."

"Mmm," Javier said, waiting. Grace would be as straightforward as she could, he knew.