Unseen Love

"Uncle Danny, can you get chocolate? For us, I mean. To give him, not me."

Smiling, I nodded. "Yeah. I can get him some chocolate. Tell him Uncle Danny says 'Konichiwa'."

"That's not a real word."

I barked a short laugh. "You sound like..."

He waited a second before replying. "Who? Who do I sound like?"

"Nobody. Sorry. Yeah, I'll send some chocolate. Tell your samurai I said hi."

"Okay. Dad wants to talk to you."

"Okay. Love you."

"Love you, too!"

He ran off and Mark picked up the laptop, trundling off to his Bathroom of Solitude.

After a minute, I grew uncomfortable with his staring. "You going to say something?"

"Yeah. I know you're pissed at me and you think I'm interfering, but this is really fucked up. You don't want to talk to me, that's cool. Daria and the kids didn't do anything wrong. They're hurting, Bella's hurting. You have to talk to people, even if it's just to let them know you're okay."

Wheels were turning and my palms were growing sweaty. "What did you mean when you said Bella's hurting?"

"It's just... you sort of cut her off and..."

"Mark, how the fuck would you know if Bella was hurting or not?"

"Listen to yourself, Danny. Who cares? I'm telling you that you're hurting people and your response is to ask how I know? You completely cut Dad out of your life and now my kids are crying because they don't hear from..."

"Don't compare what happened with Dad to the kids. Don't fucking do that. Ever. How do you know how Bella's feeling?"

He shook his head while remaining silent before replying. "I may have sent her some food with a note."

I could feel my face flushing. Clenching my fists and trying to push down my anger, I continued.

"Really? How nice of you. Because we both know I'm not an adult and I can't handle my own shit. What did your note say?"

"Well, sometimes you can't. It's the truth. Sometimes you can't. Don't like that? Neither do I."

"What did the note say, Mark?"

"Nothing, really. Just that I hoped she was doing okay and it had my contact info."

"Your fucking contact info. Did she write or call?"

"It's not important, she..."

"DID SHE WRITE OR CALL?"

"Yeah, she sent me an email."

"Did you respond?"

"Yeah."

"Send it to me."

"Danny, I..."

"Send it to me. Right the fuck now."

He sighed and a chill ran down my spine.

"Mark... what did you tell her?"

"I'll send it to you. Don't hate me, okay? I love you and... Just don't cut me out like you did Dad."

"Mark, what the fuck did you tell her?"

He was on the verge of tears.

"I'll send it to you. I love you, Danny. I'll send it. I'm sorry. I was trying to do the right thing."

I closed everything off in my mind and lost myself in what was formulaic. Lists were made of what I wanted to get done and I stuck to them. Thinking about what he may have said to Bella was off the table.

Ordering more food and including samurai chocolate for them was done quickly. Eggs, bacon, four frozen chickens, some fresh produce, Maltesers and a variety of Cadbury chocolate bars were on the way.

The beep told me I had an email. A quick look and I knew it was from Mark. It wasn't something I could deal with at that moment. I went back to my routines. There was an ice manufacturer that was renting temperature-controlled rooms out in the suburbs. I linked them on the site to one of the farms that was selling portioned-out cows. You could buy a quarter, half, whole steer, but who had that sort of storage space?

When I had to turn on some lights due to the setting sun, I realized that I should stop for a while. More microwave burritos got me through dinner. Grabbing some fruit, I portioned it out meticulously, sprinkled a little cinnamon on top and put it on the table next to the laptop. I filled a cup with ice and placed three cans of diet cola next to each other, lined up perfectly, label facing the window.

I couldn't keep stalling. I opened the email and saw the chain of conversation between Mark and Bella. It wasn't just one email, there had to be a dozen. Most were short and to the point, one wasn't. She was confused and didn't know what she did wrong. He tried to explain that she didn't do anything wrong and that I had some issues that I had to work through. She asked if I was okay and told him that she was worried. He reassured her that they were there for me.

All pretty innocuous stuff. Mildly annoying, but not horrible.

Then he decided to play armchair psychiatrist and stabbed me in the back.

From: MarkNDaria@gmail.net

To: BellaDance@earthlink.com

Subject: Why?

The easy thing to do would be to blame it all on the accident, but it's more than that. Danny was my father's golden child. He's three years older than me and Dad used to take him with him when he went out on sales calls and stuff. He sold farm equipment and if Danny wasn't in school, they'd make a day of it. I was so insanely jealous. Danny loved it. Every minute of it. He never rubbed it in and Dad said I could go when I was older, but it drove me nuts.

There was a bond between them like I've never seen before or since. A parent should never prefer one child over another, but Dad would just light up whenever Danny was around. It honestly hurt. Still does.

When he was 16 Danny was out with Dad. I still don't know all the details, but they were visiting someone that might want a new tractor. He had the old one lifted on a hoist or something and when they were in the barn something went wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. It slipped and Danny's legs were crushed.

You remember when you were 16? I do. It's when I first started getting really interested in girls. Fumblings with nervous one-on-one conversations. Awkward group dates. Sneaking a kiss after gathering your nerves. That moved on to solo dates, going to school dances, first heartbreaks and declarations of love. All those normal first steps into relationships stuff.

Danny missed it. All of it. He was in and out of the hospital with surgeries. He was homeschooled for a while. To be honest, his legs looked really bad and he knew it. It screwed with his head.

It was something he could have gotten past if it hadn't been for Dad. He started drinking. Heavy. He couldn't stay in a room with him for more than five minutes. Dad would try talking to Danny and his eyes would slowly slip down to his legs and he'd leave the room. He'd often be drunk within the hour.

Our father blamed himself and it drove him nuts. All Danny saw was that the man he idolized abandoned him because of his legs. He hasn't said a word to Dad in years. It broke Mom's heart and I think it helped put her in an early grave.

It's not easy to admit this, but I became the new Danny and I loved it. I just soaked up all that attention. Dad took me everywhere, but he'd turned bitter. I got what I'd craved, but it wasn't what I'd expected. He eventually helped me to buy the land for a farm. Daria and I were surprised by our firstborn and knew we needed to make a way for ourselves in the world, so I dropped out of college.

I wanted to make him proud of me. That's all I lived for, but all he could see was his failure with Danny. I worked 14 hour days while he stayed in the big house we had, drinking. Danny, being who he is, thrived in absolutely everything except building new relationships. He's the same person that the sun shined on when he was 16. He's smart and hard-working and people like him and... I don't know. He's just Danny.

He thinks that no one can love him because of his legs. Dad was bigger than life and he carried with him everything a boy could want. He had funny stories and grand adventures and, most of all, he made you feel like you were the most important person in the universe. And then that all went away and he crawled into a bottle. Danny lost Dad and when he did, he lost who he could be.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling. It's not you, Bella. It's us, me and Danny. We're both fucked up. I love him and I don't know what to do.

So, there you go. Maybe that gives you some insight. I'm sorry you have to deal with our crazy shit. On the one hand you have the jealous younger brother and on the other you have the young boy who had his sun extinguished and was cast into shadows.

Dad should have seen someone. Gotten some help. He and Mom should have insisted that Danny spend some time talking to someone. Now we're left with this.

I really am sorry. Let me know if I can be of any help.

Mark.

Mark, you fucking piece of shit. I sat back, angrier than I could ever remember.

I got a text an hour later.

If you call with video, let it ring twice and call back in five minutes, I'll make sure that Daria or one of the kids picks it up. I won't answer, so you won't have to talk to me. Don't cut off the kids, Danny. They love you and it would destroy them. You were so worried about getting your heart broken that you never considered that you were breaking hers. Call her. I love you.

Lockdown Day 54

I didn't sleep that night.

I read the email over and over again. Mark should have been the writer, not me. He had a way with words that pissed me off. He had to be better than me at everything, didn't he?

Though, I had to laugh at his line about them being surprised by Felicia's birth. That was a nice way of putting "knocked up his high school girlfriend and married her so her dad didn't shoot his ass with the .22 rifle he had for keeping coyotes off the farm."

That wasn't really fair to Daria. She loved Mark completely, otherwise, Felicia wouldn't have a younger brother. All things considered, it was really one of her only flaws.

Mark had loved being Dad's new successor. He'd never admitted it to me, but he told Bella. It didn't matter, either way. I knew it, I'd fucking known it for years. Little did he know he'd never needed to replace me. He didn't come out with me and Dad for one simple reason: Mark was the one who was supposed to go to school. Mark was the one who was going to leave the farm and get a degree and be a fucking doctor or a lawyer or something.

Then I'd fucked up my legs and Dad had to re-evaluate. Mark became the golden child, I became the freak. I learned pretty quick that I didn't need anyone's approval. I didn't need Dad's approval, I didn't need approval from girls, and I sure as fuck didn't need approval from Mark.

And Mark had the audacity, the actual, legitimate audacity to claim that he had it bad because being Dad's golden boy wasn't what he expected? He had the fucking gall to say that the rift between me and Dad was what caused Mom's aneurysm?

Like I hadn't blamed myself enough for that.

Fuck him. Fuck all of them. I was better off on my own.

Lockdown Day 55

I fell asleep without even noticing, exhaustion taking over completely. When I woke up the next morning, my phone was still in my hand. Bleary-eyed, I lifted it to my face. Immediately after unlocking, the message I'd been reading when I fell asleep showed.

You were so worried about getting your heart broken that you never considered that you were breaking hers.

I re-read Mark's message, then pulled up the email and read it again. The words changed that time, and suddenly stomach acid seemed to be creeping up my throat.

I closed my eyes, trying to focus on hardening my resolve. Mark had stabbed me in the back. Mark had done what he always did, which was to treat me like a fucking child who couldn't take care of himself.

Though, maybe it's because I was acting like a fucking child who couldn't take care of himself.

I squeezed my eyes shut harder, pushing the thought away. It was replaced by the memory of my brother's face just before he agreed to send me the email. Anger prickled in the pit of my stomach, emotions calling back to the way I'd been feeling at that moment, but in reminiscing, I could see something else.

There were tears in his eyes, already blood-shot, already knowing how pissed off I'd be. If he'd known... why had he done it if he'd known how upset I'd be?

He begged me not to cut the kids out. He was okay with me cutting him out, but he'd gone out of his way to make sure I had a way to talk to Felicia and John.

My face was completely scrunched up as I fought back tears.

If I admitted Mark was right, it meant I was wrong. If I was wrong, I was the one at fault for everything that had gone wrong with Bella.

I'd broken Bella's heart.

No matter how hard I tensed my face, there was no stopping the tears.

Lockdown Day 56

"...hiiii-YA! POW! Kee-rah!"

"Wow, buddy. That's pretty impressive."

John lost his balance. He glanced around, suddenly surprised at the fact that he was sitting on the floor.

"Did I beat him, Uncle Danny?"

"You sure did. That samurai ran away screaming, I saw it with my own three eyes."

He howled with laughter. "Uncle Danny, you only have TWO eyes!"

"I do? Oh no! Where'd I put the other one?"

I mimed looking around my desk as John giggled.

"You're the silliest uncle," he said.

"Pretty sure I'm your only uncle."

"No, Auntie Denise says when she can come visit again, she's going to bring our new uncle, Uncle Tommy, and he's a dog nurse."

"A dog nurse?"

"A nurse for dogs," John explained patiently. He leaned in close to the camera, whispering loudly in that way only kids seem to. "Don't worry, you're still my favourite uncle."

"Thanks, Gorilla." I laughed, though it turned to a cough as my mouth suddenly went dry and my palms began to sweat. "Hey, listen, is your dad around?"

John nodded eagerly. "Daddy! Uncle Danny wants to talk to you!"

"You sure about that, buddy?" came the distant reply. "Maybe ask him again."

John turned back to the camera. "Uncle Danny, do you want to talk to Dad?"

"Yeah, buddy, I do."

"Daddy! He said he wants to talk to you!"

The camera shook and a very hesitant-looking Mark appeared on the screen.

"Hey."

Mark raised an eyebrow. "Hey. This gonna be a long conversation or...?"

"No."

A muscle in his neck tensed as he swallowed, but he nodded brusquely.

"I'm still pissed you pulled that shit—"

The camera shook as Mark swivelled around, practically diving out of his living room into the bedroom. "Dude, my kids are right fucking here."

"Sorry."

He shook his head. "You were saying?"

"You crossed a fucking line, Mark. You had no right."

"If you're just gonna give me shit—"

"You had a point, though."

He fell silent, staring warily into the camera. I cleared my throat, uncomfortable.

"I don't want to cut you out. Can you promise me you won't pull something like this again?"

"Nope," he said. "I can't, and you know damn well I can't. And if you're admitting I had a point, you know damn well that I shouldn't, either."

There was a tense moment, both of us staring at our screens in a strange kind of staring contest where we weren't quite meeting each other's eyes.

A muscle in my jaw twitched and I blinked first.

Mark grinned. "So, did you call her?"

Lockdown Day 57

"...starting Tuesday, Ontarians can breathe a small sigh of relief. While gatherings should still be limited to five people or less, sports that still allow for physical distancing are back on the table. This comes after the announcement that golf courses, private parks and campgrounds, and marinas are among the businesses that are able to open for the long weekend. Danielle Kirkpatrick has more."

"Thanks, Shayla. The province is watching for a resurgence in cases of COVID-19, but business owners like Marshall Toggle are cautiously hopeful for Tuesday's potential reopening. Marshall owns Pampered Pooch Canine Spa and Grooming, meaning his business falls under the list of retailers that can open for service. Marshall, can you tell us more about—"

I flicked the TV off. As nice as it was to hear good news for a change, I wasn't in the mood for more coronavirus information. I wasn't in the mood for anything, really, but I forced myself to move on. Cautiously, I slid the balcony door open a few inches, then a few more, until cool, crisp air was filling my apartment. I showered, dressed, and ate some fruit, then poured a glass of diet cola and settled in front of the computer.

Mark and I had talked for hours the day before. Daria, saint that she was, watched the kids as my brother and I broke down wall after wall, issue after issue. I hung up on him twice; he called back immediately, more patient than he needed to be, stronger than I was capable of.

Everything was still a little raw. Admitting I needed help didn't come easily. Admitting I was wrapped up in my own self-pity was even harder. Admitting I had sort of done to Bella what my dad did to me was almost more than I could handle.

It wasn't just my skewed sense of other people's motivations that made me think Bella wasn't going to forgive me for treating her how I did. Mark reluctantly agreed that it was a pretty big mess. I owed her an apology, at the very least. Whether she accepted it or not was up to her; she didn't owe me any sort of forgiveness, but she deserved an apology.

Around noon, someone knocked on my door. I glanced at my phone; the order I had placed to be delivered to Bella had been marked as dropped off a few minutes earlier. Rolling my eyes, I realized they probably put it in front of my door instead of hers.

"14C, not 14B!" I called out, though it was unlikely they could hear me.

That much was confirmed when the person knocked again.

"What's the point of contactless delivery if you're just going to knock?" I grumbled just before swinging the door open.

Eight thousand things went through my head. It was the first time I'd seen a person in person for weeks. I wasn't ready for this. Thank God I'd showered.

She was standing on the other side of the hall, probably a little closer than the mandated two metres, but as far back as she could. For some reason, I thought she'd be taller. It didn't matter; I was completely consumed by the sight of her blonde-red hair, her eyes—blue, as it turned out—and the sparkling smirk on her face.

"Do you and your brother just communicate like, exclusively through food deliveries or something?"

She was there, looking down at me as I stared up at her. I waited for her eyes to flick down to my legs, but they didn't stray from my own.

"Danny?"

Bella was right there. She looked to the side and gave a small shake of her head.

"I knew this was a mistake. I'm sorry, I won't bother you again."

She turned just as I spoke.

"Bella?"

Looking back at me, she paused.

"I'm sorry. You're... You're just so beautiful."

Her smile lit up the hallway.

"Oh. Well in that case, feel free to remain stupefied. Which is 30 points on a double word, by the way."

I couldn't help smiling. "Yeah. I'll have to remember that."

"Soooooo, I got a delivery to my door today. It happened to have some Italian bread, some cured meats, some cheese and some fruit. Seems like picnic stuff to me. Best of all, the news is saying that we can go out in small groups. Two sounds small. Maybe we can check out the park? Just right across the street?"

She looked nervous as she slowed down and continued. "Maybe just for a bit? And we could talk or something?"

This was it. This was the moment of truth, the moment Mark had helped me prepare for, the reason my heart felt sore and my hands were sweating. What if Bella was disgusted by my mangled legs? What if she decided this wasn't worth it? What if I'd put myself on the line only to have her reject me? What if she thought I wasn't good enough?