V Day - D Day

My wife, Sam, walked in the door from work at 6:15, her normal time. I work from home, with an occasional trip to the office for meetings. Those are almost always in the AM, so I am here when the kids get home from school. I usually get the kids working on their homework, finish up my work and start dinner. Tonight was different. It was Valentine Day, but it will be quite different than any other we have had together,

I was sitting at the dining room table when she came in. The kids would always rush to the door and greet her with hugs and kisses, talking a mile a minute. Until several months ago, she would also greet me with a smile, a hug, and a nice kiss. Now, I would only get a peck, and only if I put myself in her path. She would also be greeted by the smell of dinner on the stove, ready to eat. But, like I said, tonight it was different. Sam walked into a quit home. There were no kids rushing to greet her, no smells of dinner, and no me in her path. She looked around with a confused look, then at me.

"Where are the kids? What's going on?" The lack of "I love you" was not lost on me.

"The kids are at my parents. They are eating dinner there. I will go over to pick them up in just a bit."

That brought a frown to her face. "Tom, we discussed this. We agreed not to do anything for Valentine Day. You always go too overboard and spend way too much money. So I hope you don't have plans for us for dinner or anything."

"Sam, you used to love all the romance, gifts, flowers, and attention I gave you on Valentine Day. And, it was your idea not to celebrate it this year, not mine. And, we both know money is not the issue. But, I have no plans. The only thing I have for you is this Valentine." I held up a Valentine the kids passed out at school.

"So why are the kids at your mom and dad's?"

"I just wanted to have some alone time with you."

Before I continued, and shook her head and said "Honey, I have had a long day at work. I am tired, and I feel a headache coming on. I am not in the mood for sex. Thank you, but can I give you a rain check?"

"I am not surprised, but this is not about sex. I need to talk to you. There is something that really has me worried, and I just want 5-10 minutes of your time. You don't have to say a word. In fact, I am asking you not to say anything until I am finished. Then, whether you want to respond or not, it is totally up to you. I have no expectations. I just need to get this off my chest. Then, I will go get the kids."

"Oh God. Here we go again" she said, with that annoyed look on her face again. "Can we do this later?"

"No."

"Can I at least go and change?"

"No. Please sit down. It will only take 5 minutes. When I am finished, I promise I will never bring this up again. Not a word." I got up and pulled out a chair for her. "Would you like a glass of wine?" I already had a bottle and one glass there.

"Well, it sounds like I will need at least one glass. If you have to do this now, let's just get this over with", as she rolled her eyes, sat down, and crossed her arms.

"I feel you pulling away." Again with the eye roll. "I know I have brought this up in the past, but I am extremely worried. I want to tell you exactly what I am feeling, and what is on my mind."

"We have already talked about this...", but I cut her off. "Sam, can you please just listen and not interrupt!" That seemed to make her demeanor change from annoyed to angry.

"I have been worried about us, about our marriage, about our family. I started doing research on-line from accredited universities and well respected experts. I wanted to understand what is happening with us, and why we seem to be in a rut. I really wanted to find some answers about how we can address it. I read all kinds of articles and research studies, even those that dealt with divorce." That got a raise from her eyebrows, and she looked ready to speak, but I held my hand up and continued.

"I came across a study that was done with wives who had cheated on their husbands, and they broke it down in stages."

"What!!! Are you accusing me of having an affair!!!?" She was out of her chair, but I was too.

"NO!!! I AM NOT!!! Would you please sit down, stop interrupting, and let me finish!!!" We both sat, but she was quite upset. I continued "In the first phase..." but I was still in an elevated voice. I paused a second, took a deep breath, calmed down and said "In the first phase these wives said that in spite of having everything they wanted: career, kids, home, and loving husband, they hit a point where they felt like something was missing. They lost the spark. They lost the excitement. They didn't blame their husband or kids, they blamed themselves. They thought something must be wrong with them. During this phase they started pulling away from their husband. They believed they needed space, and if they could get a little space they could figure it out. They also started to avoid having sex, making excuses not to. They had lost their desire for sex. The felt like it was a chore, like laundry of cooking. They would still occasionally have sex with their husband, but they no longer enjoyed it. They mainly did it because they were afraid if they didn't, their husband might cheat. They felt almost blackmailed into having sex."

'During this phase, their husbands felt the distance and tried to pick up their game. They tried being more attentive. They tried communicating more. They tried to be more romantic. They tried to bring the closeness back again. But that is exactly what the wife did not want. The efforts actually had the opposite effect, and pushed the wife further away. Some of these women said they felt like they were being smothered."

"Eventually, many of these wives moved to stage 2. It started with attention from other men, even if it was platonic. They started feeling the spark and excitement they were missing. They began feeding on the flirting and attention. This is what they had been missing. They started feeling alive. In fact it was a chemical reaction they were feeling. High levels of dopamine and norepinephrine were being released, and it created an addiction, like a craving for chocolate. They just wanted more and more. At first, these wives felt they were doing nothing wrong, but as the flirting and outside attraction grew, they realized they were having an emotional affair, and it caused a lot of guilt. But they couldn't stop. When these affairs became physical, these women started justifying it by putting the blame for the affair on their husbands. They began feeling they deserved this. In almost all of these cases, the wives described how great they were at hiding this from their husbands."

"There are more phases. I won't go into them. They don't pertain to us, but there is a lot of information out there if you are curious. I do think we, you, are in phase one. I do not think you are in phase two, and I hope and pray that you still love me, and you are not feeling excitement from other men. But I feel lost right now, Sam. I am not sure exactly where we stand. I feel like I am I a boat that is taking on water, and the harder I try to bale, the more it is leaking in. I need you to know how I feel. If you are falling out of love with me, or you want to feel excitement from other men, even just emotional, I will not go down with the ship. We should just pull the plug now."

Sam had stayed silent and her demeanor had softened. But suddenly, she looked fearful. "You want a Divorce?" almost pleading.

"No. I love you with all my heart! A divorce would devastate me. But, if you no longer love me, or there is the possibility of you being with another man, that slow death would be even more devastating. I can't just sit here and watch our love and or marriage slip away. I won't watch it die a painful death. No, I don't want a divorce. I want you to figure out what you want. I want you to do research or talk to others. I am open to marriage counseling, starting to date again like we did when we first met, spending time alone to talk, watching porn, adding games, anything and everything you feel can bring us back together. More than anything, I want complete openness and honesty, even if it will be painful. I deserve the truth."

"Well, that's all I have. Thanks for listening to me."

Sam remained silent for a minute, "My first reaction is that you are really overreacting," She paused again. "But this is obviously really bothering you and I did not realize how much." She paused again. "I really don't know what to say."

I stood up. "Sam, take your time and think about this. You have been asking me for space, and that is what I will give you. I will not bring this up again. The ball is in your court. When you are ready to talk, let me know. I will also stop trying to pull you back in with romantic gestures and affection. All that has done nothing but push you further away. And I will no longer try to make love to you. It will only happen on your terms. If you desire it, let me know. But please, don't feel you have to throw me a bone. I do not want any more pity sex. Only do it if you are doing it for yourself, and you are feeling excitement."

I walked to the kitchen counter and picked up my keys and wallet. "I am going to pick up the kids. Do you want me to stop anywhere and bring you home some dinner?"

"Have you eaten yet?"

"No, I really don't have an appetite. If I start feeling hungry later, we have stuff here I can make."

"I can always find something here, too."

As I started walking to the door, she called my name. I turned and she walked to me and hugged me. With her face buried in my chest, she said "Tom, I do love you". We stood there holding each other for a long time. She finally pulled away, and I saw she had been crying. She gave me a soft kiss. We separated and I left to get the kids.

I have no idea where we would go from here. I have no idea when she will want to talk. I have no idea how long I will wait for her to talk to me. I put all my cards on the table. I felt like this was the only chance I had to avoid our marriage being sunk. I don't have the answers yet, but at least she has the questions.