Vagina Query Language

It was the last night of the olde-worlde renaissance fair that the college set up around this time every year. There were heraldic flags up all throughout the park. The women had hennin hats, and the men had tankards. The local food trucks had hastily converted to hog roasts for the weekend.

Chad and Tiffany were sophomore sweethearts. They had met on campus a few months back, and the fair was double date night with their friends Ash and Britt, who had been together for about the same length of time. The two couples often compared themselves to each other. With similar ages and backgrounds, they felt they were on the same journey.

"I'm heading off now - can I take your car hun?" Tiffany asked Chad. Tiffany worked an evening shift at a veterans home - easy money, and it seemed like free tutoring for her American history minor when the old-timers got talking.

"Sure thing babe, I'm going to check out these last few tents with the guys. I'll see you tonight, OK?" Chad replied, handing her the keys. He gave her a memorable kiss and a goodbye pat on her tight jeans.

"You will" she said, as she flashed a wicked smile over her shoulder at him.

"Hey, loverboy!" interrupted Ash. "Let's get your fortune told and see what's really going to happen tonight. Come on, there's a tent over there."

Britt giggled at Ash's raunchy comment, but decided to be on Chad's side.

"Don't be a dick, Ash" she said with a playful punch to Ash's arm, "or I'll tell you what your night's going to involve."

"It's cool, my future's bright" said Chad. "Let's go see what's in there."

Chad was skeptical, but sure, whatever - the fair had been a ton of fun and he was happy to kill some time while Tiffany was working. They wandered over to the red and white striped tent by the edge of the park. It was dusky, so the crowds were gathering elsewhere to see the fire show. Nobody else was around this part of the fair.

Chad was first in, pulling back the drapes to see what looked more like a shop than a fortune teller's tent. Tall wooden shelves sat on the uneven canvas floor. They were packed with strange curios - oddly shaped sticks, candles, creepy dolls, unlabelled jars, and jewellery boxes. The cramped space was permeated by a medicinal smell, and illuminated by a large lamp on the only table, at which sat a hooded figure. The three teens fell silent as they took in their surroundings.

"Please, look around" said a feminine voice from beneath the hood, without looking up.

They spent a few moments looking over the shelves. Britt tapped one of the jars and leaped back as something inside moved.

"Ash, let's get out of here" she whispered.

Ash was feeling none of Britt's trepidation. "Watch this" he said with a grin.

"Chad, come here, look what I found." With those words, Ash picked up a shrivelled brown object and threw it to Chad, who instinctively caught it. "It's a monkey's choad! A choad for Chad!"

Chad dropped the object to the floor and stared at it.

"Jeez Ash, what's gotten into you" said Britt. "What is that thing anyway?"

Chad knelt down and looked closer. It was like a thick stubby dried-up hickory branch, with a suggestively bulbous end. "Huh. You know, I think it might actually be a monkey's weenie," he said, still puzzling at it.

"Would you like to purchase it?" said the voice that had been under the hood.

They all looked up. The hood was now cast back. Instead of the wizened hag they had expected, a youthful and angelic face beamed out from beneath a dense shock of slightly tousled black hair. The woman was perhaps in her late 20s, maybe 30, with wisdom in her eyes and a confidence in her bearing. She fixed her gaze upon Chad, waiting for an answer.

Chad was taken aback.

"Uh, no ma'am. Thank you." He picked up the object and put it back on the shelf. "We were just, uh, taking a look. Sorry about my friend."

Ash pretended to resume browsing.

"That's perfectly OK, sweetie. You just take your time" said the woman.

Britt was now elbowing Ash hard. Chad agreed with her elbow, and they all left the tent.

"Fuck, man, did you see that psycho shit she had in the jars?" said Ash as they walked away.

"That wasn't funny Ash, you shouldn't touch that stuff" scolded Britt.

"You were the one that touched the jar, Bee!" retorted Ash.

"The jar was just glass. I didn't touch the thing inside it! You were the one that picked up that... stick. What was that thing anyway?" she said.

"I have no idea. Uh, I think I'm going to go wash my hands" said Chad.

Ash was feeling suitably chastened.

"Yeah, I guess I will too" he said, and he walked off to find the men's room with Chad.

"I think I've had enough. I'll see you at the car Ash" called Britt.

Chad and Ash found the bathroom tent - a modern facility, temporarily decorated on the outside.

"Hey Ash, can I get a ride home?" said Chad as he washed up.

"Yeah, no problem, I'll drop you back at your building" replied Ash, shaking his hands dry.

"You ever think you should maybe, I don't know, listen to Britt a little more? I'm not sure she had a good time back there" said Chad.

Ash looked at his hands.

"Yeah, I know, I just got carried away by this place I guess" he replied.

"She was right about one thing - your fortune isn't looking good for tonight unless you get her back on..." Chad stopped. He had just placed his hand into his jacket pocket to check his wallet, when he felt something.

"You OK man?" said Ash, confused by the abrupt halt in the conversation.

Slowly, Chad pulled the shrivelled object out of his pocket.

"What the fuck is this doing in here?" he demanded. "Did you swipe it and plant it on me?"

Ash was genuinely taken aback. He was a joker, but not a thief.

"Dude, no! Did you?" he asked back.

"No!" cried Chad. He didn't know what to do with it. They both stared at it in silence for a moment. The silence was broken by another man entering the room. Chad quickly shoved the object back in his pocket, and they tried to act nonchalantly. The other man went into a cubicle, and they resumed talking in a whisper.

"This is some fucked up shit" said Chad. "We have to take it back."

Ash agreed.

They left the bathroom and hurried back to the tent. Throwing back the drapes, they gasped audibly at the sight of empty shelves and an empty table. The only life was the still-flickering lamp.

"Where's she gone?" said Ash.

"Maybe she..." tried Chad, but couldn't find words.

"Maybe she went to the bathroom?" suggested Ash.

"Yeah. I guess. That must be it. Look, I'm just going to put it back on the shelf," said Chad, doing so.

They hurried out and made their way across the park, in silence. Suddenly, Ash stopped.

"Chad, I don't know, but I just had a strange feeling."

Chad stopped and listened. Ash was staring at him.

"Check your pocket," said Ash.

Chad didn't know whether to roll his eyes at the possibility of Ash playing a dumb trick again, or whether to feel genuinely chilled. He reached into his pocket, and sure enough produced the object. They both stared at it for a while.

"What the fuck is happening?" said Chad. He dropped it on the grass.

"Don't drop it!" hissed Ash.

"You take it then!" exclaimed Chad.

"No way man! That thing came to you!" said Ash, taking a step back.

Chad picked it up and stuffed it back in his jacket pocket.

"It wants to be in the pocket, fine, it can stay in the pocket. I never liked this jacket anyway. I'm tossing it when I get home," said Chad with determination.

They continued walking, with the sounds of the night fair in the distance.

"This is some creepy fucked up shit," said Chad.

"You know," said Ash, "this feels like the real deal. Like, this is some kind of force of nature we know nothing about. Aren't you just a little bit excited?"

"Your point?" said Chad.

"If it's real, then it's got some power or something. Maybe you should make a wish," he suggested, semi-jokingly.

"What the fuck do I wish for from a monkey's dick?" said Chad.

"I don't know man, it's your wish. Ask for a trillion bucks," said Ash.

"Yeah but if this is really a magical monkey dick, you know it's got to be cursed, right? You heard the story of the monkey's paw? If I ask for a trillion dollars, I'll get it alright - in the form of a ton of gold bricks landing on my head," reasoned Chad.

"You've got to be smart then. Ask for something foolproof. Something that can't go wrong," replied Ash.

"Like what?" asked Chad.

"Like I said, it's your wish! I don't know, ask for all the pussy in the world. No such thing as too much pussy, right?" said Ash, regaining some of his normal attitude.

Chad contemplated this for a moment, but didn't say anything.

"Let's just get Britt and go home," he said.

Ash drove without speaking much about anything. That suited Britt.

He dropped Chad at the kerb and sped off, trying unsuccessfully to impress Britt with his driving.

Chad flashed his card and walked into the building, then up the stairs to his floor. He began to reach into his jacket for his keys, trying not to think about what was in the other pocket. He opened the door to his studio and tossed his jacket down onto the floor.

He stepped into the bathroom and turned the shower on. He felt like he needed a reset - a hot shower usually worked. After scrubbing himself scrupulously clean - especially his hands - he emerged from the steam. He rubbed his hair dry with a large towel, as he walked into the main room.

Chad's head emerged from the towel and he started to wrap it round his waist, then froze.

Sitting on his bed was the woman from the tent.

Instinctively, he covered himself, as he stepped quickly back, eyes wide with fear.

"Don't worry, it's nothing I haven't seen before," she said, alluringly.

"What the fuck is this?" cried Chad. "What is going on? Why are you here? How? What is that thing in my jacket?"

"Please Chad, calm yourself" she replied.

"How did you... know my... my name?" he stammered, trying to edge towards the kitchenette to grab a knife.

"All is revealed to me when you make your wish," she said, cryptically.

"Wish? What the fuck? I didn't make any wish," protested Chad.

"Words spoken? No. You are right, I was in two minds whether your friend should be counted as the wishmaker. He did speak the words after all. Nevertheless... you were the one that desired them," she said.

Chad tried to think back to his evening earlier. What had Ash said? What was she talking about?

And then it hit him.

Ash's throwaway comment about wishing for all the pussy in the world, and his momentary consideration of it.

"Shit," he said.

"Fuck," he continued.

He took a deep breath to try to regain some composure.

"So what does that mean? You're here to grant my wish?" he said, starting to shed some of his fear.

"In a fashion, yes," she said. "Are you ready?"

Chad was certainly dressed for it. He thought for a moment. Ash had been right, for once. This was the real deal. Could he back out now, even if he wanted to? And he wasn't sure he wanted to.

"I, uh... I guess..." he started.

"I'll take that as a yes" said the woman quickly, as she clapped her hands loudly, once.

Everything vanished.

Chad was no longer in his room. He appeared to be no longer anywhere. There was light... and warmth... and whiteness...

"Where am I? Am I dead?" he said, standing nude in a featureless void.

The woman was standing behind him, still dressed in her dark robes, now exuding a feminine energy that he hadn't previously noticed. He turned to face her, no longer concerned with his nakedness. He seemed now to be beyond that trivial concern.

"You are nowhere, and everywhere. This is where you will get your wish. And no, you are very much alive," she said.

She looked at him seductively, and Chad expected her to start undressing. Instead, she began reciting a word.

"Veequel," she said. "Repeat it after me."

"Veek will," said Chad.

"No, Veequel," she corrected.

"Veequel," he tried again.

"Better," accepted the woman. "This is the keyword that activates the system."

Chad had almost given up on questioning anything at this point. Almost.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"Why do you want to know?" she countered.

"Are you an angel?" he persisted, "or a demon?"

The woman laughed.

"Neither. Perhaps you could call me a guardian. Or a curator. Or, better still... a witch." she suggested.

A witch! Chad thought witches should be old crones with evil cackles, but this witch seemed beautiful and pure.

"OK. Right." he said. He was learning to just accept things.

"And what does the word mean? Veequel?" he asked.

"Oh, it's an acronym, actually. Vagina Query Language. This is how you're going to get all the pussy in the world," she said matter-of-factly.

Despite his disorienting surroundings, he was still shocked to hear these lewd and clinical words emerge from the mouth of the witch.

"Let me demonstrate," she said. "Veequel. Select all."

The white void was broken by the appearance of bright red writing high up above, written across the space where clouds might have been.

1,930,256,502 WOMEN FOUND.

At the same time, the most remarkable sight rushed into view. A seemingly endless line of naked women appeared - but only the lower halves of the women, sitting back with legs spread in a stirruped position, as if they were having a gynaecological examination. The upper halves faded out to nothing. Instead, above each pair of legs was a screen, on which the woman could be seen going about her day. Every crotch was fully exposed. The line extended seemingly without limit in both directions.

Chad stood no more than three feet away from this display of splayed legs. Despite the bizarre circumstances, his cock began to stir as he gazed directly at the vagina and anus of the nearest woman.

The witch smiled as she observed Chad's reaction.

"Whoah!" he said. "You weren't kidding."

"I do not kid," said the witch. "Observe, and learn. Veequel. Reset."

Instantly, the red writing changed.

0 WOMEN FOUND.

The women whirled away, suddenly out of view.

"No, no, bring them back!" pleaded Chad, feeling suddenly cheated.

"Relax, Chad. Be patient. Here, I'm going to take a guess at a good query for you. Veequel. Age: 18-22. Hair: blonde. Symmetry: above 90%. Hygiene: above 95%."

7,924,001 WOMEN FOUND.

A display of ceaseless caucasian beauty span into existence before Chad. His animalistic, carnal nature arrived in an instant, and took over like a pilot throttling up a jet fighter. His erection grew to full strength. The witch observed it approvingly.

Chad gazed at the perfect pink pussy in front of him, then to the sides to see more perfect pink pussies opened out for him. He was spoiled for choice, so focused on the one dead ahead. A tuft of blonde hair stood on her mons, and her perfectly smooth legs stretched out to each side, like a funnel drawing him in. He stepped closer.

On screen, a girl sat in a college lecture theatre, listening and writing notes. There was nothing unusual at all about the scene, aside from the girl's uncommon beauty. She was fully dressed, and her legs weren't splayed out like they were here in front of him.

"Go ahead, you can touch. They are for you. They're real-time clones. Anything you do to them here, they experience out there in the real world," she said.

Chad gingerly ran his hand up the girl's thigh, and saw on the screen that she gave a little start, and looked down. Seeing nothing, she resumed her writing. Chad became bolder. He brushed his fingers over her labia. The girl gave another nearly imperceptible jump, and paused her writing. She again looked down quickly, then up again. After a few seconds, she shifted in her seat and continued her writing. Chad placed his thumb firmly and directly on her clitoris. On screen, she froze and remained completely still. Nobody else in the room had an inkling of what she was sensing. Chad began a featherlike run of his fingers up and down her inner thighs, onto her labia, up to her clit, and back down, teasing her. The girl stared at the board, fixed like a statue, no longer writing, trying to stay still to not draw attention to herself.

Chad spread her lips and stared into her tight pink vagina. He knelt down and dabbed his tongue onto her now-prominent clit. The girl inhaled sharply. Her hand moved down to her crotch, and she cupped herself as if trying to prevent intrusion - but Chad gave her another lick. On the screen, she now had both hands clasped over her crotch, but here in front of Chad, her hands were absent and her legs were immobile, still in the spread position.

Some of the girl's fellow students began to notice that something was up. Chad tickled her clit gently with his tongue. The girl's hands remained tightly sealed over her crotch, but now pressing them inwards as if to take control of her pleasure away from whatever this thing was that was happening to her. But Chad was now in control. He pulled back and admired his handiwork - her vagina had begun to glisten slightly. He ran the tip of his finger over her inner folds, collecting the emerging lubrication and spreading it around. With determination, he pushed a finger inside. The girl stood bolt upright. The clone of her legs remained full-splayed and her pussy fully accessible to Chad, who could feel her muscles flex around him as she changed position. The girl ran out of the room. Chad had never felt the texture of vaginal muscles moving during running!

The girl ran to the bathroom to pull down her pants and take a look at what was happening. The screen offered Chad an excellent view of everything. Chad dived in and delivered his best oral performance. He looked up to see the girl's cheeks flushed, taking heavy breaths. She started to lie back and touch her breasts.

"Damn, can I get a hold of those breasts too?" he asked the witch.

"Did you wish for all the breasts in the world? No, you didn't," she replied.

The girl started touching herself in the absence of Chad's tongue. Chad decided to go for it - he stood up and plunged his hard cock into her.

The witch smiled.

The girl threw back her head and tossed perplexity to the wind, accepting whatever magic this was. She rubbed furiously while Chad penetrated her, fucking hard back and forth. Her whimpering could be heard through the screen. Chad held onto her legs and pumped his full length into her pussy, jackhammering her back and forth. She came. This sent Chad over the edge too. He spurted inside this clone pussy as it writhed around him.

Chad pulled out with a wet pop. A moment of clarity arrived.

"Oh fuck, did I just impregnate a college girl?" he asked the witch.

"No, silly, look at the screen. You're not there, and neither is your sperm," she replied.

Chad saw his cum dripping out of the pussy in front of him, but not on the sweating, flustered wreck of a girl on the toilet on the screen.

"I hope that was an adequate demonstration of the power that you now have?" asked the witch.

Chad couldn't believe his luck. An hour ago he was feeling existential dread at having invited some cosmic horror into his life. Now he was cooling down after the most literally unbelievable fuck of his life.

"So," said Chad, looking up and reading: "7,924,001. That's all the blondes in the world is it? I mean, all those who are 18-22 and whatever else you said?"

"Not quite. There's some... nuance. But broadly speaking, yes. You say the criteria, and you get what you asked for," she explained. "7,924,001 should be enough though, don't you think Chad, even for a studly young man like you?"

"Yeah. That was awesome. Shame about the tits thing though - I love having them pressed up against me when I cum," he said.