All Comments on 'Vale Ch. 04: Out of Sequence'

Your chapters are pretty short, and you already put in 7 so characters so far, in just 4, very short chapters. The result is a lack of cohesiveness among the chapters. They read like one shots. Chapter one was very short; you only had one page for it. In the second chapter, I expected you to expand on what happened between the MC and his mother. Four chapters later, there is minimial, if any, mention of the mother, and with the added 4 personalities to the cast of characters.

It's funny, not serious, but you could have made the effort to at least care more for the continuity of your story.

Fair criticism. The chapters are short, but all six are written and are coming out quickly after each other, and they do actually tie together in the end.

Loved it, V is such a force of chaos (channeling a bit of Loki?), which of course logically leads to a chaotic storyline - and I’m all for a slightly de-structured nutso story once in a while.

Maybe I’ve got it wrong but this seems to be escapism and fun for the author, not having to obey the rules or conventional story writing, I get the feeling you’re writing this purely for yourself AlinaX and fun of not having pay attention to the mundane. Maybe I’m wrong tho! Still 5* btw ;-)

I think fembots are entertaining as a concept but not very interesting as characters. I could never write a serious story about a boy barely into manhood having a deep relationship with his sex-toy mother. It's far more interesting to write a story about John's wishes coming true and yet he's never the one in control. Ultimately this is Vale's story, even if she's the one character whose head we never get into. We see her through the impact she has on other characters. And despite it all being daft as hell, it does all connect up in the end.

While a interesting story concept in the beginning... It morphed into a story of the MC being ass raped by a cop. After that, this chapter hardly mentioned him. Instead turning into a story about a transsexual slut, formally known as Carl. Just curious as to why the total change of focus occured. Sorry, but only 3 Stars due to lack of continuity. Thanks for your submissions though.

Ah, but it all ties in in the next chapter.