Valentine’s Day Card - Another View

Her voice was measured and so soothing. I was thoroughly exhausted after my explanation and I was quite content to sit back and listen. She was obviously a great doctor. I could tell she actually cared.

She continued, "As I listened to your account of your first meeting and falling in love with your wife, I thought of some similarities with my own marriage. My husband is a surgeon and we met at the hospital where we were both completing our residencies. My first thought was that he was 'out of my league'. Oh, I know I'm pretty, more so then, and I'm intelligent after all, I have a medical degree and board certifications in internal medicine and psychiatry. But my husband: six feet two inches; rowed crew at Princeton; summa cum laude; top of his class at Yale Medical; and to me the handsomest man alive."

After a drink of wine, she smiled. No, she beamed as she thought of him. I wondered if Sheri ever looked that way when she talked about me. I had my doubts. She continued "I didn't really like him at first. The first time I saw him was when he pushed past a nurse, not bothering to apologize. Typical arrogant surgeon, thinks he's God. Several months later, I found out that he was rushing to the lab to push the technicians to finish a test for a seriously ill patient - he desperately wanted to save someone's life when minutes counted."

Cynthia continued "Sometime later we were introduced and he asked me out, dinner and the symphony. He was a perfect gentleman, so polite, so cultured, highly intelligent. He opened doors for me, held chairs out for me, once he even took off his raincoat and shielded me with it and an umbrella when a sudden downpour began. At the end of each of our first two dates, he kissed me nicely but not passionately. On the third date, he took me in his arms and gave me a long, gentle kiss. It's been almost eleven years and I can still feel that kiss. Then he looked into my eyes and asked me if there was any reason why he shouldn't fall in love with me."

She smiled as she said "You can guess my answer. We were married ten months later. We have been married ten years, three years longer than you and Sheri. We have two daughters one 7 and one 5."

I was content not to speak but just to listen to what she said in her soft soothing voice.

Cynthia continued "I or rather my husband, had an analogous experience to that of your wife. My husband spends one month each year in service with Doctors Without Borders. The doctors volunteer their time and many, like my husband, are able to pay their own expenses. But there are still tremendous costs for the program: medicines, equipment, transportation and housing for nurses and technicians, etc. So, my husband devotes considerable time to fundraising."

"There was one dinner where a software billionaire and his wife sat at our table. I was so proud of my husband when he passionately explained the critical need for funds, how those funds would be used, and the tremendous success of Doctors Without Borders in saving and improving lives. Everyone at the table was in tears when he described saving the life of a twelve-year-old girl suffering from a life-threatening aneurysm, sleeping in a chair by her side for two days after the surgery, her recovery and the gratitude of her parents. He saved the life of their only child. Surgeons have a reputation for arrogance, but not my husband. He explained how his talents were a 'gift' and how grateful he was to the donors at our table whose monetary gifts made it possible for him to use his gift."

The slight but noticeable tearing in her eyes and tremor in her voice spoke volumes on her love for her husband and her immense pride in him and his work. She paused to regain her composure and continued "The next day, the wife of one of the wealthiest donors made an appointment to see my husband about a donation. She began by saying how much she appreciated his service and repeated his statements on how urgently funds were needed. She offered to fully fund a second surgical unit to accompany my husband's team and noted how many additional lives could be saved. The condition for her gift was that he sleep with her. Understand, she was a VERY attractive woman."

"My husband told me of the incident and how he politely but firmly declined her offer. I responded that it must have been difficult for him, not because of her 'charms' - I trust my husband completely; but because there would not be a second team. It must have been difficult knowing that there were people who would not get medical attention, some of whom would certainly die."

"Philip", she used her husband's name now, not simply referring to him as 'her husband' "told me that he had taken two oaths in his life, the Hippocratic Oath as a physician and our marriage vows. He could not and would not betray either. Those two oaths defined him as a person."

"Philip said that there are some lines that cannot be crossed, regardless of the reward or conversely, the cost. He continued and said that we are the sum total of the choices we make. They define us, they are the actuating cause of an individual life, religious people would call it our 'soul'. And at what point and for what would we sacrifice our soul."

"Philip told me shedding the values he holds so dear would destroy his ability to bear the burdens of his work. Those values help him recover when a patient cannot be saved. I know too well when this happens. Its usually an emergency surgery after a horrible accident. When he gets home, he goes straight to his office and closes his door. I can hear him weeping and there is nothing I can do to take away his pain. It's then when his values, his 'soul' saves him. After an hour or so, he will come out and hold me. Then I know the pain has passed."

She now looked at me and said "Philip and I have been very blessed. We are wealthy, we have live-in help, and we can afford for Philip to spend a month each year in some God forsaken part of the world giving the best medical care possible to people who could not begin to afford it even if it were available to them. I may sound silly to you but my only real concern in life is that our daughters will never find a man as good as Philip. In my estimation, there has never been one and never will be."

Even with her soothing voice and incredible kindness, it was difficult for me to listen to what she described. She had the marriage I thought I had. I'm not so naïve as to believe that they didn't have their ups and downs, disagreements, even arguments. But even in the brief time we spent together, I could see that she loved her husband with all her being. I had that kind of love once. I wondered if I would ever have it again.

Clearing her throat, Cynthia said "I do have a few observations to offer."

"First, from what you describe, you and your wife have an exceptionally close relationship, physically and emotionally. Outside of your work, your circle of friends are mutual friends and your activities are joint activities that include the both of you. You haven't mentioned any activities that exclude her, like golfing with friends or sports events for 'guys only'. Likewise, from your description she doesn't seem to have events that exclude you - no 'girl's only nights'. This is not to imply any sort of problem. But, with this dynamic it's easy to understand that for you, your marriage is your life and its clear from what you have said that you believe she is willing to sacrifice your life for that of her friend."

She was so succinct in encapsulating my deepest agony.

"Second, from Sheri's perspective, her 'get out of jail card' was a gift from you. As you said, the card wasn't in an ordinary envelope, it was in an expensive hard case from a jewelry store, just like a necklace or other piece of jewelry; it was in writing, placed in its own box and presented to her. This grand but very foolish gesture from you fostered a belief that you would accept her use of the 'card' without recrimination and, more importantly without discomfort. Her conversation relating that she was planning to use the card may have been an advance warning that she wanted to use her 'gift' in order to confirm that she was interpreting your feelings correctly. While her timing was inopportune, I don't see it as being malicious. There is also your comment on the 'seven-year itch'. Your comment reflects at least a subconscious concern about your wife's feelings at this stage of your marriage. It is possible that, at this time in the marriage your wife sees your 'gift' as more of an 'invitation'."

"With that in mind, your description of your wife does not suggest general lack of intelligence or a mental illness. And baring those conditions, it is very difficult to understand how any married woman in a happy monogamous marriage could conceive of any circumstances in which her husband would acquiesce to such a request - card or no card. I believe your observations are correct in that she has an emotional attachment to her friend apart from any compassionate motivations. I cannot presume to say if her feelings are simply a close friendship or if she is in love with him. And, it's quite possible that she doesn't know either. While all this is consistent with your mention of the 'seven-year itch'; that is only a possibility, and certainly not definitive. Again, this is not a clinical assessment. For that I would need more information and I would have to interview your wife."

Cynthia continued "I have no doubt that what you have told me is truthful to the best of your knowledge. But it is impossible for any of us to have the necessary degree of detachment and objectivity in the circumstances you describe. You and your wife need counseling to understand each of your actions. From the shock you received from her announcement, you are clearly exhibiting signs of clinical depression. And, I would imagine that her apparent shock from your reaction has been equally upsetting. Without therapy, the pains and doubts surrounding these events will linger and destroy you both."

I finally found enough of my voice to say "You have been so very kind. Thank you." I didn't say more as I was tearing up and I didn't want to start sobbing in the middle of the restaurant.

"Give me your email address and I will forward you the names of several excellent psychologists who specialize in marriage counseling. Also, your wife may wish to see someone separately so here is my card and because you have been such a gentleman to me this evening, there would be no charge for her first four sessions. In my medical opinion, you will also need therapy. As I said, you are exhibiting signs of clinical depression. I have found that most men, especially in cases such as this, have better results with a male therapist, so I also sent you contact information on two of my colleagues. They are both exceptional psychiatrists."

"I know very well the signs of depression. When I saw you sitting at the bar in the state you were in, I was concerned that you might be suicidal. I felt that I had to intervene, to try to help. I believe our conversation helped, at least I hope so. Our conversation was beyond what is appropriate in a psychiatrist-patient therapy session. I also took advantage of the opportunity to keep other men away, so I could have a pleasant dinner and I did, thanks to you."

Cynthia continued "I believe each of us have that desire to help someone in distress and you stepped out of your intense grief for a moment to help me. Yes, in a simple way, but it clearly demonstrated that you are a strong man emotionally with compassion towards others - don't ever think otherwise. And, your wife appears to be very compassionate as well, as evidenced in her concern for her friend. Sometimes, especially when we see someone in pain, our desire to help can overwhelm our rational selves causing us to respond in a way that is excessive, even harmful. This may be what has happened to your wife. From what you describe, you love you wife dearly. I implore you, the both of you, seek counseling."

After asking me a few questions about my medical history, what drugs I took, etc. Cynthia took a prescription pad and pen from her purse saying "Here are two prescriptions, one for 10 milligram tablets of lexapro and one for 10 milligram tablets of valium. They can safely be used in conjunction with each other. Take the valium at night to sleep and lexapro each morning for anxiety and depression. These are excellent drugs in treating both anxiety and depression. The lexapro will take, on average, ten days to two weeks to start its positive effects. Don't drive for a few days until you know how the drugs effect you. And do not drink alcohol while using them. The little I saw you drink tonight should not be a problem. When you select a therapist, let him or her know of these prescriptions. These are simply meant to help you until you can get proper treatment."

I thanked her and, at my insistence, paid for both our drinks and dinners and left for an all-night pharmacy. I slept well that night. I now understand why valium can become addictive.

Part 6 - Friday - Sheri's office

Sheri didn't sleep Thursday night. She cried all night and her eyes were swollen. And it was evident to everyone that she was in real discomfort when she arrived at work. The first person she saw was John who asked, "Are you all right? You look terrible, what's wrong?"

Sheri replied, "I have a really bad cold and I didn't sleep last night. I must look frightful."

John replied, "You can't help but be beautiful in every way." Sheri smiled and continued her way to her office.

Normally, John's remark would have been met with a smile and her slightly squeezing his arm. But now, after what Alex said, it was deeply disconcerting. Had he misinterpreted her attention to him as more than friendship? Was John in love with her?

Crying at her desk, she looked at her wedding photo in a silver frame that Alex bought just for that purpose. For a brief moment, she remembered their first dance at their wedding as man and wife to the song 'She'. The song was one she had not heard before meeting Alex. She first heard Charles Aznavour's voice on a CD Alex had. The lyrics and haunting melody now played in her memory:

"She may be the face I can't forget,

A trace of pleasure or regret,

May be my treasure or

The price I have to pay...

She may be the beauty or the beast,

May be the famine or the feast,

May turn each day into a heaven, Or a hell..."

The poignancy of those lyrics now gripped her very soul.

Her coworker Joanie saw her crying and came to her immediately asking "What's wrong? Are you ok? Oh God, is Alex ok?" Joanie closed the door.

Sheri answered, barely able to speak "I have ruined my marriage. I have hurt Alex again and so deeply. This time he may not recover."

Joanie knew the cause. Yesterday Sheri came to her office and broke down after seeing John crying. She had given John a teddy bear for Valentine's Day and apparently that sent him over the edge. Joanie wondered why he had such a sad reaction. The thought had crossed her mind that John was in love with Sheri and the pain of not being able to have her finally caught up with him.

Thursday's conversation had then turned to what they could do to help John, they were both very concerned. Sheri brought up her idea of spending extended time with John, to get him out of his funk. Joanie wondered what the full extent of 'extended time' meant and she couldn't believe that Alex would allow that, even if nothing untoward happened. As the conversation progressed, she was shocked at Sheri's concluding words "If I thought that being intimate with me would save John, I'd even do that." Joanie thought that was far beyond the pale and when Sheri had repeated those words to Alex that night, they had been.

Her friends Joanie, Shannon and Alyssa had watched over several months as the friendship between John and Sheri developed and deepened. They each knew that Sheri was devoted to Alex but they were genuinely concerned that Sheri was in over her head with John.

Now, Joanie called Alyssa into Sheri's office. Shannon hadn't arrived yet. Alyssa spoke first, looking at Sheri she said one word "Talk."

Sheri gathered all the composure she could "I talked with Alex last night. I told him about John leaving for Afghanistan on Tuesday. I explained how bad he was suffering and that I felt I had to do something and that I would never forgive myself if he went to Afghanistan and never came back. I told Alex that he was the only one I loved but that I wanted to spend Saturday with an evening alone with John to get him out of his depression. I told Alex that if being intimate with me would help him, I wanted to do that. I told Alex I wanted this to be his decision, that I wouldn't go if he said 'no'."

Joanie and Alyssa were aghast. They hadn't met Alex but they knew of him. Over the years they worked with Sheri, they saw the unexpected bouquets of flowers or the messenger sent with a box of her favorite chocolates or the other small surprises he arranged for Sheri. Neither of the two friends could find words to speak. When Shannon arrived Joanie and Alyssa made a sign that they would catch her up but that Sheri needed to continue talking.

"I told Alex that I didn't even know if it would come to that. Alex thought I was lying when I told him it might not happen. He said it sounded like I had already planned on having sex with John."

Still crying Sheri related Alex's genuine concerns about John and what this would do to him "And he cares about John as well; how can he even think of John when he is in such anguish." Sheri related how Alex was almost sobbing when he said John wouldn't break up a friend's marriage and that not being able to have Sheri would be another hurt added to the unimaginable pain he had already suffered.

Sheri had calmed a little and said "I don't know if I ever told you but I didn't accept Alex's proposal when he first asked. From all that we were to each other, he fully expected 'yes'. Rather than saying 'yes' I said 'we need to talk'. I wasn't sure I was ready for marriage; I was scared. There were things I wanted to do and I had done so little with my life at that point. I had visions of being married and tied down with children with my freedom lost. God that hurt him."

"He went on a four-day drunk, didn't call me, didn't call in for work. I saved his job by calling in and telling them he was deathly ill and that was the truth. By the time we recovered, I realized how much I love him and that anything I wanted to do. But now he thinks that I married him out of the guilt of having hurt him and not because I really love him. He said he feels that he trapped me in a marriage that I have come to regret. He said he doesn't deserve me and that maybe our marriage was a mistake."

Sheri continued barely able to speak "It gets worse. Thursday was Valentine's Day, the day we celebrate when I finally said 'yes' to his proposal. Each and every year he goes to extraordinary lengths to show me how much he loves me and to make me happy. This year it was a carriage ride in Central Park followed by an expensive early dinner. He must have saved for months to afford it: skipping lunches; not buying himself the things he wants; saving and scrimping any way he could and never letting me know he was going without. And I ambushed him, in the worse way on our special day telling him that I wanted to be intimate with someone else. I'll regret that for the rest of my life. At the end of every Valentine's Day from now on, instead of having all those beautiful times to reflect on, we'll both be thinking of how I ruined this one. But I don't think we will be together for any future Valentine's Days. I think my marriage is over. I'll never forgive myself."