Valentine’s Day Card - Another View

"Alex was hurt more than I've ever seen. He left last night and said he would be back Sunday; I am so worried he won't be. The look in his eyes when he left was the same deadness he had when his mother called and told him that his father died from a sudden heart attack. He and his father were very close, best friends as well as father and son. I remember his father dancing with me at our wedding. He told me how proud he was of Alex: how hard Alex worked to get good grades throughout school and college; how he held two jobs one semester when things were tight so he wouldn't burden his parents; and how honest and honorable he was in everything he did. His father told me that the thing he was proudest of was Alex marrying me; that I was such an exceptional girl, that I was good and kind and loving and that he knew that Alex and I would do anything for each other. Shit, I let him down too. And Alex's mother told me how happy she was to finally have a daughter. Alex was an only child; I don't think his mother was able to have more children. Alex's mom was being treated for cancer, we didn't know if she would survive. She made me promise to take care of her son and told me I was everything to him." Sheri was crying too hard to carry on.

Shannon, the first to speak said in her usual no-holds barred fashion "You have really and royally fucked up."

Joanie was beginning to cry when she said "Sheri, I love you like a sister, but I am so mad at you right now, I can barely speak. None of us has met your husband but we have all noticed the things he does for you. The unexpected gifts, your descriptions of him and your life together. I remember three years ago when he sent roses. I thought it was your birthday or anniversary and wanted to congratulate you, so I looked at the card sent with the flowers, it said 'Just because it's Wednesday, all my love Alex.'"

Joanie wept as she continued "I went to the bathroom and cried for half an hour. Why couldn't I find someone like that? If I found a man who could love me even half that much, I would crawl over broken glass to get him to the altar and gladly devote my life to making him - and him alone, happy. With everything you told us about him and what we saw, we all assumed that Alex came from money, now you tell us how he scrimps and saves to give you these things. You don't just have his love you have a level of devotion from him that I never imagined as being possible."

Joanie continued "On Thursday after seeing John so upset, you told me that if you thought that being with you would save John, you'd even do that. Fuck!! You made it sound like some great sacrifice on your part!"

Joanie was now almost yelling "WHO THE FUCKING HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE KIDDING? That's no sacrifice on your part, you'd get a great fuck and, depending on John's stamina, you'd get your brains fucked out. What little fucking brains you have!! That's what you really want, isn't it? YOU WANT TO FUCK JOHN!! I've read about sacrifice - real sacrifice, men who give their lives to save their friends. They don't give you the Medal of Honor for throwing someone else on a live grenade. Alex is the one you threw."

Alyssa trying to lower the tension and as she tried to calm Joanie "Now how do we fix it?"

Shannon, barely able to contain her anger said "First we take care of John, TOGETHER like we should have done all along. Saturday John will have FOUR girls with him and WE are going to bring him out of his hurt. None of this fucking romantic prelude shit like walks in the park, museums - we'll take him to Dave & Busters, ice skating, dinner at Morton's and then dancing. The rules: 1. We treat him like a kid brother - NO FLIRTING, NO INUENDO, NO SEXY CLOTHING, minimum make-up, no perfume. 2. For Dave & Busters and skating we all wear sweatshirts and jeans. 3. Before we go to dinner, we will all go to my place to change clothes, so bring your nice but not revealing dresses to my place. Sheri, you are coming to my place to change clothes - I want to be able to tell your husband that I never let you out of my sight. 4. Sheri - you WILL NOT sit next to John, touch him or be alone with him at any time and NO FUCKING COW EYES or, so help me God, I'll slap you so fucking hard they will find your head in the next county! 5. After dinner at Morton's, Sheri will leave to go home to her husband, the rest of us will take John dancing - we are going to give him the greatest day in his life."

Shannon continued "Sheri, I don't know if you want to be married and its none of my business; but if you don't, you owe it to Alex to get a separation or a divorce first. Not going off to fuck someone else like John's wife did." Those words, comparing her to John's wife, hit Sheri hard. Harder because they came from a friend.

Shannon continued "Sunday the THREE of us take him for pancakes, assuming he is still able to move." The three girls each gave a slight laugh. "Sheri, you will spend Sunday either trying to save your marriage or figuring out how to end it without totally destroying your husband. After seven fucking years, he deserves that."

Part 7 - Saturday

Saturday was unbelievable. John had only reluctantly agreed to spend time with them but the four girls weren't taking 'no' for an answer. Starting at Dave & Busters, they drank beer, bowled, drank some more, played billiards and laughed and joked like they were lifelong best friends. After an hour or so, John had begun to open up at first smiling then laughing a little and joking. The girls were careful, nothing sexual, John needed friends, companionship and laughter more than anything else.

Then on to the ice skating rink. John hadn't known about this part. He hadn't skated since he was a child and was hesitant at first. But again, the girls weren't taking 'no' for an answer. John was frequently falling down sometimes with one or more of the girls picking him up and sometimes stumbling and falling on top of him as they tried to help him regain his balance. The other girls kept Sheri away from any physical contact with John. He didn't seem to notice. They were all laughing and having the time of their lives. John was having so much fun and occasionally laughing so hard, tears were in his eyes. Sheri was so happy to see John was once again 'alive', but it brought only momentary relief from her own suffering.

Dinner at Morton's was spectacular. Steaks, four bottles of wine, cheesecake and more laughter from the funny stories they told about the silly, happy and up roaringly funny moments in their lives; those moments in which they had experienced true joy.

After dinner, Sheri rose to say goodnight. John stood, gave her a friendly and brotherly hug and thanked her for being a great friend. He immediately turned to the other girls and individually hugged them and thanked them as well. Sheri felt a strangeness when John treated her as a friend, almost identical to the others. In her mind, she wondered why she hadn't felt relief at this, at his not showing signs of being in love with her. In truth she felt a little jealous. Then for the first time she questioned her feelings for John and if she had allowed them to go too far.

As Sheri was leaving the restaurant, she heard Joanie say "Now dancing!!" Yet another surprise for John, but there was no reluctance on his part now.

Sheri arrived home around 8:30pm to an empty house. It hadn't occurred to her until she opened the front door that Alex may have returned to collect his things and leave her. She immediately ran to their bedroom to see if Alex's clothes were still hanging in the closet. She felt an indescribable relief when his clothes and other things were still there and that there was no note with a final goodbye.

She had a long night alternately sobbing, praying and bawling her eyes out. The words of her friends the previous day still haunted her. Joanie reminding her of all the gestures, large and small that showed Alex's complete devotion as well as her cold and hard observation that Sheri's words about 'being with John' to 'save his life' were sanctimonious and contemptable and the attempt to make it sound like a great sacrifice for Sheri were sickening.

The remembrance of the two harshest exchanges of that day that made Sheri fall to her knees weeping. The first was Joanie's about real sacrifice, how 'they don't give you the Medal of Honor for throwing someone else on a live grenade.' The second, and the exchange that hurt her the most, was Shannon telling her that going off to fuck someone else was exactly what John's wife did. She now thought of all the sacrifices Alex made for her, the big and small, never expecting any reward more than her happiness and maybe a smile - and, yes, her fidelity. And she had planned to go off and fuck someone else, leaving Alex to share John's fate.

A restless sleep came around 4 am when she was finally overcome with exhaustion.

Part 8 - Sunday, Alex returns

I left the hotel and arrived home at around 2:30pm on Sunday. Valium was the only way I was able to sleep the last three nights. I said to myself, "God bless Hoffmann La Roche" as I approached the front door. As I put the key in the lock, I understood how a condemned man feels going to the gallows. I took a deep breath, opened the door and walked through it. Sheri was sitting at the breakfast table. I remember thinking "Well, at least she came home."

Sheri stood and said "I need to talk first". I nodded 'yes' and swallowed hard.

"First, nothing happened. I know you said you would never want to know, but I can't have you going through life not knowing if I gave myself to another man. I didn't and I never will. Four of us girls took John out, first to Dave & Busters then ice skating then to dinner at Morton's. I left right after dinner and the other girls took him dancing." She smiled a weak smile, "I hope he survived" she said with a forced smile.

"Alex, I wish you could have seen him. Even before we reached the skating rink, he was laughing and joking. He was more alive that I have ever seen him. The girls and I decided that we would be his "big sisters" for the evening and that's how we treated him and he loved it. I think he saw that people, I mean women, can care for him without having ulterior motives."

"On Friday at work, I told the girls about our Thursday and how I hurt you and how I thought I had ruined our marriage. They took over and planned our Saturday night but not before calling me every name in the book. Even though they helped John and included me in, I don't think that any of them will want to have anything more to do with me knowing what I did to you."

"The ground rules for Saturday were that I would not sit beside John, not have any physical contact with him and never be alone with him. Shannon even made all of us bring our change of clothes for dinner to her apartment and change there. I know why now. This morning, Shannon delivered an affidavit addressed to you, sworn to by all the girls, that I was never alone with John and had no physical contact with him for the whole of Saturday, except for the one hug goodbye at the restaurant when I left the group to come home. It's even notarized."

"Secondly and most important. The 'get out of jail card' had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with my decision to marry you. I decided that well before that Valentine's Day. A few days before, I was talking with my mother about being scared of marriage and why. She gave me a legal pad and told me to write down everything that I wanted to do in life assuming unlimited finances and no constraints but my imagination. She told me to look at that list and decide which of the items would be more fulfilling with you there with me, doing those things together."

"Then she told me to look at the things I couldn't do if I was with you. I had to decide on each of those things individually, whether that item or marriage to you was most important for my happiness. Then I had to take all of those items together and decide whether that collection of desires and dreams was more important than spending my life with you. She told me she was not trying to influence my decision and that if the balance was not in our favor, I should break off the engagement or at least postpone it until I could decide. She told me that she wasn't really uncertain when my father had proposed to her, but she did the list and the self-reflection anyway. She told me the only thing on her list that she couldn't do if she married my father was to sleep with Cary Grant. She didn't know Cary Grant and had no realistic possibility of meeting him. Even so, she told me that she already knew that my father was fantastic in bed and a better lover than she could ever hope for. God, talk about too much information." Sheri smiled a strained smile at that.

"In the end there was absolutely nothing on my list that meant more to me than you. And looking at that list made me realize how much more fulfilling my life would be as your wife, sharing all my dreams with you. When you gave me the 'card', I was very touched knowing how much you wanted to remove any fears I had. But you remember that I told you at the time that I would never use it. And then...Thursday night, Valentine's Day when I told you I wanted to use the card, I managed to hurt you more than I could have imagined."

"Alex, I am so very, very sorry. I know we can't just pretend it never happened. I am still afraid you are going to leave me, even if not today or tomorrow, then sooner or later. I have no right to ask for your forgiveness, the girls at work made me realize how very wrong I was. And you were right, I got too close to John emotionally. It clouded my reasoning. Even though nothing happened, it was still wrong. As I said, I have no right to ask forgiveness; what I ask for is your mercy. I know you and I know you can give me that. I know in my heart you will give me that. Perhaps forgiveness can come in time."

"Finally, I have decided to see a therapist. What I have done to you was so horribly wrong but also, so obviously wrong that I can't understand why I did it. I need to understand this horrible blind spot in my judgment and... well...everything. I love you Alex, I love you so very much. I' sorry, so very, very sorry." Sheri's tears flowed freely as she waited for me to take her in his arms and when I did, she buried her head in my chest and wept, not able to speak anymore.

I simply held her for a long time, tears streaming down my face and unable to speak but feeling a tremendous relief. I felt that I could breathe again.

After a moment I said "I have another card for you." Before she could react, I gave her Dr. Gray's business card. "She's a psychiatrist. There was a medical group meeting at the hotel I stayed at and she was there. She saw I was really depressed and offered to talk; she thought I might be suicidal. We ate dinner and I told her what happened with us. At some point I remembered that movie 'the Seven-Year Itch' and that we have been together seven years. Turns out it is a real phenomenon. After seven years, marriage partners can become bored or disillusioned. I was afraid, and I still am, that you are disappointed in me and want something or someone different."

Sheri started to speak, but I said "please let me finish. Dr. Gray said we both need to find out our real feelings, not with a view to ending our marriage, but to build on it. To understand ourselves and each other. I know you love me but we've had a shock and we have to work through it. I will be seeing a psychiatrist too, someone Dr. Gray recommended."

"And please know, you are not the only one with blame in this. I gave you that card with its promise, a promise that I should have known I could never fulfill. It was such a relief just now to hear you say that it wasn't a factor in your decision to marry me. My thoughts since Thursday...." I held her close; I couldn't continue.

When I was finally able to speak "Sheri, I was worse than a fool in giving you a license to give away the thing I hold most valuable. More valuable than my own life - OUR intimacy. I feel dishonest because I gave you a promise I could NEVER knowingly fulfill. The truth is, card or no card and regardless of my promise, I know now that if you had decided to go to him, I couldn't have continued in our marriage, the hurt would have been too much. It terrifies me that I almost lost you. The card was a suicide pact between me and our marriage. I am beyond ashamed."

"Alex, you are the most honorable man I have ever known and the most devoted husband anyone could wish for."

Then, her eyes fell and she looked at the ground. "You made a gesture because you loved me. I was so touched but I told you that I would NEVER use it. And then, at the worst moment on the worst day possible, I told you I wanted to use it. I knew the moment I said it that I made the worst mistake of my life. I'll never forget the look on your face. I know that love has limits and that limit is betrayal. I betrayed you by even asking to use it. I know you felt that too...that you feel that even now. I am so sorry, so very sorry. I have no excuse. What I did was wantonly cruel, the cruelest thing I could have done. I know that now."

She began to cry "After you spoke, I was sure you were going to leave me. I even told the girls at work that I had ruined my marriage. Alex, please know that even if you had said "yes", I wouldn't have gone. I saw the pain in your eyes. I heard the anguish in your voice. And yes, I know if I had gone, I would have lost you forever. I was wrong, so horribly wrong."

"Alex, you are wonderful, thank you for everything in my life. I want to start working through the problem now. I cleaned out our shredder for this. I am going to shred the card you gave me seven years' ago and then burn the pieces and flush the ashes. And I have a card for you. You can read it later but what it says is that I, of my own free will, irrevocably and completely reject the offer of a 'get out of jail' for now and forever. Alex, we belong to each other and I will always remember that. And believe me, I am not bored or disappointed in you. I am very disappointed in myself. I want us to renew our vows so I can shout the words forsaking all others to the world. I hope you'll allow me that."

I held her tight, then looked into her eyes and said "There is one casualty, Valentine's Day. I am afraid that there is too much hurt and too much baggage for me for us to continue to celebrate it. I'll shower you with love every day of my life and birthdays, anniversaries and Christmases will be our special days. But, not Valentine's Day. No celebration, no cards, no gifts, not even acknowledgement of the day. I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you; but I can't do it anymore."

Taking in those words and remembering the past Valentine's Days that were so special, Sheri felt as though a tight fist was clenching her heart. But Alex's tormented words on Thursday night, his leaving home and her best friends horrifying words on Friday were forcing her to realize the full extent of the real suffering she inflicted. She brought every bit of courage she could muster and said "I understand." She went on, this time with the small smile she managed to summon, "Well, we'll just have to make birthdays, anniversaries and Christmases spectacular!"

Looking into my eyes she asked "Can we go to bed now? I just want to hold you and be held by you."

"Of course."

We held each other for a long time. When sex happened, it wasn't wild, hot, no holds barred; it was slow and gentle. For me it was reassurance that Sheri was mine alone and mine by her own choice. Sheri told me that, for her, it felt like redemption. Throughout our lives together, we will make love thousands more times but each of us will always remember this night.