Valentine's Day in Wild Alaska 1983

"Look at that one Carley."

I follow his gaze to the most brilliant display yet. With the truck shut down, it's almost as if I hear the crackling of the lights as they dance in swirls across the sky. With the snow on the ground and the lights in the sky it seems bright out here — the silhouettes of trees are easy to see — his face is alive with life. His curly hair flows from under his sweater-cap and I long to run my fingers through it, but fear lest I break this moment. I lay my face against his strength and try to soak it all in. In this perfect moment of peace, my bladder interrupts reminding me — I haven't peed for hours. "I gotta pee Ethan. Where should I go?"

"I can go stomp out a trail in the snow to the outhouse. It won't be any warmer than outdoors, but it would be private. It may be a bit dirty though."

"No, the outhouse sounds nasty. I'll be right back." I step to the far side of the truck, then with getting all the cold-weather gear undone, and my pants down — by the time I squat it's almost too late. My splash seems like a rock concert blaring in this cemetery silence. Oh well, hope he's one of the big boys who knows women need to pee and poop too. When I dig into my pocket for the little travel pack of tissue, it seems to have gone missing — maybe I forgot to buy more? I wiggle my hips and flick my finger over my damp bush to get as dry as possible. This is one thing I envy about guys, no fuss no mess peeing.

In the silence, hearing Carlie's splash only serves to remind me again of the one thing I've missed up here living this life. It's a choice I made ... but the reality is more dim than I figured. The street walkers in Anchorage and Fairbanks — just such a shallow and empty substitute. I find myself wishing she could stay around. It sort of shocks me that she's grown on me this much ... until about five minutes ago she was Carl. Still, now that I know — she's definitely a nice girl. It's just a nice fantasy though. I hear the zipping of zippers and then the crunch of snow — then her arms encircle my waist from behind. "Feel better now?"

"You mean from peeing or being honest with you?"

I turn in her arms to look down into her face. "Why not both?"

"Yes, to both." I have to tip my head back to look at his face. His hands leave my back to gently lift my face covering up into just a warm cap on top of my hair.

"I'm glad you're feeling better ... I am too. Don't get me wrong, I think that old Carl was an alright feller — but I like Carley a whole lot better."

"How much better?"

"I probably like you more than you like me."

"That's silly. You have no idea if I like you not."

"Okay, fair enough. How much do you like me?"

How much do I like him? It's a question shaded by the fact that he rescued me — he's helped me when I needed it the most. What's not to like? I don't really know him that well yet — but there's something to intuition. I've liked other guys on the first date — this would be a pretty amazing first date. I feel him watching me as I wrestle with his question ... wrestle with my desire to know him better. I give up trying to get it perfect. "It's easier to show you." I weave my glove fat fingers in his curls and urge him down — I close my eyes just before his lips touch mine. If it was magical before standing under this northern sky — but this moment is mystical. Magical seems more a physical phenomena — mystical is surely more ethereal. That's the way his lips make me feel — feathery and light and floating in another world. Perhaps the effervescent lights in the sky are the exuberant emotions of angles — mystical and unseen as they watch over us. It feels as if such beauty is dancing within some part of me — as if time stands still and the chills and thrills wash though me ... unseen but so real. When the kiss ends, he remains close and looks into my eyes. Our frosted breath mingles between us. Again, I reach behind his head into his curls and encourage his lips back to mine. Before, I was freezing cold out here and now I'm burning up encased in all of these clothes.

How did I not see her delicate beauty? It's now as plain as the Sun on a cloudless day. I guess that I just never met a woman who would be on the Taylor Highway hitchhiking in the middle of a storm. "You caught me by surprise. I've never known anyone quite like you."

"So, do you like surprises?"

"Usually not. But I do make exceptions on occasion."

"Am I an exception?"

"Well, here's what I'm thinking. I figure if it's not already past midnight, then it's close enough to Valentine's Day that there could be some magic mingled in with those lights in the sky — could even be magic in the air all around us. Now I'm not a superstitious guy, but I also don't tempt fate. I definitely don't want to be on cupid's naughty list. So yeh, you're gonna be an exception — just in case cupid is playing at his games tonight."

"So that makes me an exceptional surprise?"

"Yeh, I guess it does just that ... Carl. You came into my life as a surprise, or maybe a shock. You fooled me into to thinking you're a runaway kid, and then surprised me again. And now, a kiss in the midst of all and everything around — I guess that's the biggest surprise of all."

"Wonder what all those roughneck guys up north would think about you sharing a kiss and a bed on a cold night with someone named Carl?"

"Oh, I imagine they'd have a lot of thoughts to say about that. But I've never shared a bed with anyone named Carl — and if you mean what I think, tonight I might share a bed with a Texas lass whose name is actually Carley. So I think it'll be fine. Shall we retire to our palace? You're shivering again in this cold."

He doesn't wait for my answer, just takes my hand and we walk the short distance to our palace of warmth here under the dancing lights in the sky. Just as we get to the door he stops.

"You go on inside, I need to check one last thing in the truck." She goes in and I turn to retrieve the somewhat plundered heart-shaped box of candy I bought earlier for myself. I straighten the morsels in their little paper cups as best I can, then slip it inside my coveralls. Hoping to hide it for tomorrow, I hurry back to the cabin. But all the while, I'm trying to wrap my head around this sudden flip of events. She clearly gave the green light — didn't she? She's a lot more self-confident than most all of the women I've ever known. She's out here, isn't she? That alone is damn amazing. But maybe I'm just hornier than I realize and making all of this up? I'm gonna just leave the lead up to her — I just don't want to be the guy that ruined her trip to Alaska. Whew! Gotta be the strangest night I've ever spent out here.

*****

With Ethan outside, I grab the water bottle, unzip and get a few napkins out of his grocery box. Fearful that he'll walk through the door any moment, I get behind the old oil stove and pull my outdoor gear off. I pause to listen for footsteps crunching the snow — then pull my sweatpants and underwear down past my knees. The water isn't freezing cold — just uncomfortably cold, I grit my teeth and wash between my legs — fold the napkin to a clean spot and wipe my butt-crack several times. I toss that one in the nearby apple crate used for trash, quickly get a new one and repeat the cold sponge bath under both arms. One more toss into the trash box — and one more dry napkin to sort of dry everything off. I know it's a half assed attempt — a pretty lame one too. But the crunching snow means my beauty bath is over. I just finish zipping up when the blast of cold air comes through the door with Ethan. I stand with my hands over the stove with what I hope is a casual smile on my face.

"Whooo, glad we have this place to shelter in tonight!"

I just smile at him as I rub my hands together over the stove and nod my agreement. "It felt really warm in here when I first came in, but after a while I started getting cold even in here. Come over by me, it's a little warmer. Or maybe we should sit on top of the stove?"

I step over to stand near her and hold my hands close to the heat. "These old cabins were built for summer use. There's little to no insulation and plenty of cracks to let the heat out — and the cold in. But believe it or not, we'll survive the night. As you can see, I've brought everything in that might add to the meager bedding. The most useful being the down sleeping bag that lives in my truck all winter for unexpected situations just like this. We can do one of two things; sleep in our outdoor gear — or shed them and lay 'em on top of the covers that are on the bed now. Being that mine are pretty damp from wallowing in the snow earlier, I think they should stay out of the bed. If it was summer, I'd say one of us could sleep on the floor — that's impractical at this temperature."

"Yeh, mine were pretty wet too. As you can see, I already took mine off and hung 'em up to dry. And just so you know, it's warm to just about two feet all around the stove — I tested it before you came in."

"You know Carley, you've got quite a sense of humor for someone who was so close to being dead not long ago. I find that quite charming."

"I guess I'm just happy to still be in the land of the living. I think I already showed that I think you're pretty charming too."

"Yes, you did Carley. And I'm flattered to the end of my toes. And as much as I liked ole Carl, I really do like Carley a lot more. But I made a promise to myself just now when I was outside. I promised myself that I'm not gonna be the one to take this any farther than one stranger helping another. To be honest, this whole thing has sorta opened my eyes to how women have to have their defenses up just to walk down a road alone. I was raised to respect women, old fashioned as that sounds. But it'd be hard for me to be something or someone I'm not. So, tell me Carley; was that just a thank-you kiss ... or was it something more?"

***

His words leave me searching for my own. His question leaves me searching for my answer. We stand in an awkward silence as I cast about for something solid. I glance back to him only to find his eyes still on me — his question hanging suspended between us. Words — too many words. I step around the stove and walk to him. We stand an arm's length apart — only our eyes talking. I know my heart is talking too — I heed her call. I shoulder the responsibility to step forward into his arms, lift my face to him and close my eyes as our lips come together again. Everything is warmer now. There's no howling wind to drown out the song deep in my breast. For the first time ever I feel fully at ease in a man's embrace. It is I who chose, not him. He gave me that freedom and it lets me soar on wings in the wind — the wind of my own feelings and wishes. Powerful wings and heady winds lift me high and like an eagle I fly free. This moment alone is worth the journey to be here — worth the fear and suffering on this dark cold road ... all to find this one man in the vast emptiness all around ... this man who helped me discover my strength —discover myself — discover his decency.

I put words to what my eyes are saying to him — words to what my lips told him. "Yes. It was something more Ethan." But it feels like more than I can express with words. My brain is in a hurricane of emotions. I have never asked this of any man — with hope mixed with fear I choose to jump, "Take me to our shared bed. I want us to explore together ... let's search for this something more. Do you feel it, or is just me?"

***

Do you feel it, or is just me? — Carley's words echo over and over in my mind. I'm just a clumsy bachelor caught in the flame of her beauty and grace. My hands are rough — swollen from labor, my tongue is coarse and prone to words of anger. I touch her skin — it's soft like silk. My lips taste hers — sweet, as flavored milk. Then, her eyes locked on mine — her question hangs ... suspended in a frame of time. Her fingers slide softly down the side of my whiskered face — a smile on her lips, just hint of a trace. Somehow we speak but with no words at all, just in a language — a silent language but easily I hear her call. Sure and clear I know we hear and it's love that is spoken in this still silence unbroken. Together we answer her query on our own but without words — with soft touch, a gentle kiss, an unseen faith that love exists.

She wraps her arms tight around my waist, my hand gently holds her cheek to my chest ... I finally answer her in a whisper, "It's not just you. I feel it too as real as I feel you."

"Does it scare you?"

"Maybe a little. You?"

"A little. I didn't plan on something like this when I came up here."

"Me either. I just came up for the money on the North Slope and the adventure."

"What should we do?"

Her cheek still resting on me, I savor her words as I search for mine. What should we do, she asks? Dad would say; do no harm ... don't hurt the lass? "I think we should take it one step at a time. We should be realistic, don't you think?"

"I'm not sure I know how to do that. What are the steps Ethan?"

"To be honest, I don't really know. In my head it just sounded like a smart thing to say."

"Maybe we can work it out together. The first step seems like where we are right now. Two people who like each other and feel some connection. So what would step number two be?"

"I think you'd get a different answer from everyone that answers the question Carlie."

"Okay. So I'm asking you — just you."

She's quicker with words than me, she's feisty — she flies free. "Okay, step number two is that two people who think they might have found someone special, should spend some time together to really get to know them. It's important to be sure they really know them. What say you?"

"I think that's a good answer, especially for a guy. What's the third step?"

"Technically, shouldn't we take turns on asking the steps?"

"No, I don't think so. You're the guy that brought up one step at a time, remember? I just assumed you'd know the answers for all the steps too." It feels like I'm torturing him, but knowing his thoughts has captured me.

"Remind me to not play poker with you sweet lady. Okay, so step three, but don't rush me, I gotta think — okay, got it. The couple should talk a lot about their dreams and schemes and desires in life. If they don't mesh, then it could all be doomed to crash."

"Damn, Ethan I'm starting to think you've been reading dating advice books. One more wise saying, and I'll call it good at step number four ... don't screw it up mister."

"Okay, challenge on my lady." It seems I've at least shown her I have some thoughts on these things. Or maybe her test to unwrap me has been satisfied already? It feels like walking on ice you know is too thin. Much more of this and she'll realize I'm just a clod.

"Hate to interrupt Ethan, but you take longer to make up the steps than it does to talk about them."

"It's just gonna take longer if you keep interrupting — you gotta give a guy a chance .... Okay, last step; too often youthful lust and sex is confused for true love. At the final step, there should be maturity and enough learned in the earlier steps to know the difference. There, how's that?"

"I think you should write that dating advice book. For just being a roughneck full of hot air, you did pretty good. But now admit it, you don't have any idea about any of this — right?"

"That obvious, huh?"

"Actually, you did pretty good for a roughneck oilfield guy. But back to that last one, number four; this youthful lust and sex thing. So you're saying that lust and sex are two distinct things different from love. Right?"

"Yeh, that's pretty obvious."

"Well, not so obvious that step four says there has to be maturity and I quote, 'enough learned in the earlier steps to know the difference'. That's not the same as obvious Ethan. To me, that implies that the lovers can confuse lust and sex for something deeper — which in itself implies that the youthful lovers have had sexual relations before getting more serious. Otherwise they couldn't confuse the two. Nor could they differentiate between the two. Am I getting that right? I mean if that is right, I'm agreeing with you."

"Did you say you were studying geo-engineering or was it law? But, I guess there are some couples who never explore intimately. I don't know of any though. And my personal belief is that's not a smart path. It's more tradition than natural human nature. So yeah, I think it makes sense to not confuse unrequited sexual desire for something deeper. Sexual intimacy and explorations are an adjunct to, not the foundation to a deeper connection. And yes, you're right — that does open the door for the legitimacy of sex before marriage."

"So, if I say that I feel something for you ... would that mean it should be tested and weighed to make sure it's not just lust?"

"Ah, but now you have jumped over rule number two my dear lady. The couple should spend enough time together to really know each other first."

"Very true, but is it not also implied that in all that time spent together that the couple will also simultaneously be experimenting and parsing if it's only just lust with little tastes of one another as they figure it out? Otherwise they've learned nothing."

"I did mention not wanting to play poker with you, right?"

"I take that as a yes Ethan. So, should we spend some more time together along with all that implies?"

I've never known a woman with the confidence to even have this discussion. It's refreshing — so much better than dancing awkwardly around the bush. "I would be a fool to turn down that offer, Carley. Are you just playing with the mouse, or are you serious?"

"My sweet dear man ... I'm as confused as you. But I'd be lying if I said that I don't want to spend more time up here with you. What should we do?" Together we stand in this strangest of places, his arms around me — my head resting on his chest listening to his strong beating heart. In the middle of nowhere, here we stand, two strangers that fate has slammed together in this harsh northland. But the collision of our lives struck a spark ... now that spark has kindled a flame. But flames, when small and weak, can be stomped out so easily. Will he stomp or will it be me? No ... it won't be me.

***

As silly as our game of words seems, there's a deeper treasure unearthed in them. She's clever and pretty, sexy and sweet. She's made it clear that she's open and willing — it's only I who still holds that at bay. Perhaps it's just the strangeness of this strangest of nights, the closeness of me nearly killing her such a short time ago. And you, old cupid — are you enjoying my squirming? Tell me, how could it work out here like this? She has her degree to finish — I'm on the Slope weeks at a time. Is that why you chose me, Cupid old boy? To toss out an impossible puzzle in the strength of your storm — fling forth an arrow of hope that you might snatch it away in the darkness just for a laugh? Well, you got me, old boy. I was perfectly content out here all alone — and now when she's gone it can't go back to being the same. All you've done is show me what I don't have — and can't have. "I don't know what we can do Carley. What I do know is that you have a degree to finish. I'm often on the Slope for weeks at a time. There seems to be an ocean separating our lives. But it breaks my heart to think about you leaving. Is there some way we can make it work? I can't see it ... as hard as I try."

***

His words pierce my hopes with too much truth — too much of his honest reality. But I can't bear the thought of leaving without even a taste of what might have been. If I want that taste, it'll have to be me who pushes away doubt and sets us free. He sees me as I was when he found me, lost and weak in panic. His tender thoughtfulness has begun the work — now I need his strength to finish it. I crave his full power inside by body and can't just let everything crumble away. I feel we must connect as one — we must seal our bond lest it forever be gone. Gone with the wind to be scattered in scraps on the cold frozen ground. And even if we never see each other again — we will have the proof of our memories. Proof, that this night was real. "We can't figure it all out in one night. But I know my own heart, and I know how I feel. Since this is our last ... maybe our only night together, let's not waste it on impossibilities. Wouldn't it be better if we joined in the song of our times — let hope lead us and see what we find? It breaks my heart to think that I'll soon be leaving on a jet-plane and I don't know when I'll be back again. I don't want to go, but you're right — I do have to go back. But not yet, not tonight or tomorrow. We have this night — we may never have another."