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Click here"Do you want to know what your trigger phrase is sweetie?"
"Mmhmm," he softly moaned.
"You don't need one, silly. You hear, obey me, and receive pleasure, and my happiness makes you soooo content. More than content in fact; satisfied like you never thought you could be."
"MMmmmmmmmmm." His agreement was drawn out, knowing he obeyed through that agreement. The only physical response he could muster was kissing back against Trudy's lips.
He smiled broadly at the taste of vanilla.
That scene at the party checked off all my boxes as hypno fetishist. Everything he was feeling, I was feeling. Absolutely loved that. The story did get a bit strange, but it was so good out of the gate. Really enjoyed.
Why did you include actual hypnotism phrasing though out? To some it may seem like stream of conscience but this story is an actual sexual self hypnosis tool.
Some of the phrasing was a little twisted and ambiguous, or even out of focus, so maybe that's what the author did to let me know how the husband felt.
Also one little point about ice cream. When the author talked about "Napoleon" ice cream, was it supposed to be "Neapolitan"? - the kind with layers of Strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate in it?
A few other little oddities/typos that wouldn't be a problem in most stories, but hurt more in this one because of the style.
I still voted five stars. It's an odd one.
....but hey , t was worth what I paid for it....just not fun, or entertaining...or.....worth the time I gave up reading it.
Flow of consciousness writing almost never works. It’s hard to follow, hard to know which character is saying something.
You also lacked visual cues and references. While your idea may have been crystal clear in your mind, it was murky and arachnine in ours.
Learn some mechanisms for conveying context and meaning, illustration, dialog and characterization....you might just pull off a decent story.
It’s not your ideas....it’s your delivery.