Vanilla Ch. 06-09

I nodded again, "This I swear to you."

It was not her first time wearing a collar. Her deft fingers moved, circling the collar about her neck and fastening it tightly...

"Give me your colors."

She blinked as her mind tried to connect the dots...

Finally, she caught what I was asking for...

"Green means I'm all good. Yellow means I'm at my limit. Orange means back off, but continue, and red means stop." She replied.

I hated this part.

I knew it ruined the immersion for her, but I also knew it was absolutely critical that she understand and have her colors so ingrained into her mind that she was able to reach for them at a moments notice. Yes, that meant I had to still watch her, but I also needed to know that she was able to advocate for herself...

"Again," I ordered.

"Green means I'm all good. Yellow means I'm at my limit. Orange means back off, but continue, and red means stop." She replied.

"Again."

"Green means I'm all good. Yellow means I'm at my limit. Orange means back off, but continue, and red means stop."

"Again."

By this point, I was moving her into the next part of the session. Everything I was doing was building a ritual for her.

She would kneel to me. She would place her collar on. She would recite her colors.

Each of these things would push her into the mindset of submission easier and easier each time, each act of service adding layer upon layer of training until the very act of putting on her collar and reciting her colors pushed her into subspace...

"Close your eyes." I ordered, watching her.

Her eyes slid closed, long eyelashes fluttering as she did...

"Place your hands behind your back and give me your colors again."

She did as she was instructed, her voice taking on a more breathless and magical quality as she told me what green, and yellow, and orange and red stood for...

"Sit up straighter while you address me..."

Her back got straighter, her pert breasts heaving as she spoke...

I took the time to admire her body...

It was amazing.

Her heavy, full breasts. The fine outline of muscles of her tummy that moved, fine and lean as she spoke. Heavy lean thighs that led upwards towards her fine...

"Red means stop."

Reaching back into my bag of tricks, I pulled a set of leather restraints, wrist and ankle, again, handmade in black leather, though this time lined in otter fur, which had cost a pretty penny.

Standing, I took a step towards her, towering over her, my leg nearly touching her as I approached.

Slowly, she opened her mouth...

My body responded my excitement building, tearing at my will...

Again, I wanted to take her...

Taking her chin in my hand, I tilted her face up towards me as I slipping the edge of my thumb into her mouth.

She sucked, eagerly, her teeth nibbling on the nail of my finger as she took me into her mouth.

I smiled, wide, "Open your eyes."

She opened her eyes, a look of bliss on her face...

I squatted beside her, holding the restraints up, "Ready to play?"

"Yes, please," she told me, nearly begging, before adding a hasty, "Sir."

Moving to the edge of my chair, I took her face between my hands.

She went amazingly, intoxicatingly limp, her neck lolling between my palms, which excited me more than her nakedness ever could...

It felt so powerful. To have her so completely put her trust into me. To submit so willingly, so readily...

It was like a drug, pouring into my system exciting both my mind and body to the point that it was all I could do to keep from pushing her to the floor and taking her, taking her as an animal would its mate in the height of rutting season...

Letting my hands slip across her face, I settled my fingers behind her head, my thumbs beneath her eyes...

She looked up at me, beatific smile on her face, her eyes filled with such lust and trust that I was left speechless...

Leaning in closer, I smiled at her...

I told myself that I was conditioning her. That I was telling her that her submission to me made me happy, to reinforce the bond between her and myself.

That was a lie though.

The truth was I was happy to have this beautiful, naked, amazing woman between my palms, offering herself up to me in any way that my twisted, perverted mind could think to have her. I felt like a caveman, pushing and conquering to have whatever the beast within me could take.

The urge to taste her lips was like the call of the drug to the junkie...

Leaning in, I kissed her lips, tasting her as she rolled her lips and tongue beneath my own.

It was a great kiss, deep and long...

As I broke from her, my nose dragging along hers I felt the grin on my face, that drugged, hypnotic drag on my eyelids as the chemicals in my brain poured along my synapsis.

Opening my eyes, I looked into hers...

Her look was one of pure, unadulterated lust...

That felt powerful too.

She moved quickly, eagerly, her hands coming from her back, sliding along my legs as she tried to push herself into me, the only thing stopping her being my hands upon her head.

Her voice was urgent and full of need, "I want you..."

The look of displeasure slid onto my face as I felt my fingers tighten upon her head, beginning to squeeze.

She sensed more than saw my displeasure, her hands ceasing their upward surge towards a hold deeper into my body...

My jaw clenched so tight I could feel my teeth ache as I growled at her, "You were told to put your hands behind your back. Did I give you permission to touch me?"

She immediately pulled her hands back, placing them behind her back once more...

I moved my index fingers, placing one behind each ear, unerringly finding the soft spot behind the ear that lead to a cluster of nerves and placed a small amount of pressure with each finger.

It was a fairly intense pressure point, and I knew that even the slightest pressure there would cause immediate, intense pain...

I saw her wince, her body going a little weak as she bent at the knee, her body folding slightly as the pain hit her...

A muscle in my cheek spasmed as my voice found purchase again, "I asked you a question."

She tried to shake her head, but I held her firm.

There was fear in her eyes, genuine, distressing fear, which filled me with an animalistic, gleeful happiness...

She swallowed, bearing the pain I inflicted on her, "No, Sir. I'm sorry, Sir."

Standing, I kept my vise-like grip on the sides of her head, pulling her up into a straighter kneel. As I pulled her up, I put more pressure on my fingers, increasing the pain of the nerve-lock I had her in.

She gritted her teeth, a small mewl escaping from her as I saw the pain register to a new high...

Back off a bit... my brain warned me. She's still cold. Not ready for you to take the pain up so high so fast...

Carefully, I let the pressure off my index fingers, keeping the hold, but much lessening the pain I was inflicting on her.

Her eyes snapped open, fluttering wildly as she looked up at me.

Dramatically, I sighed, shaking my head at her, "I had such high hopes for you."

Her eyes widened and a sort of weird panic found purchase there.

She knelt deeper, pushing her breasts out to me, "I'm sorry, Sir!"

Moving my hand, I covered her mouth, my eyes again narrowing, "What did I tell you about speaking when spoken to?"

I could see her mentally curse herself, her brow wrinkling as she corrected herself...

To her credit, she forced herself to speak, "This one is to speak when spoken to..."

This one... I laughed to myself. I like that.

Putting on a stern tone, I allowed myself one terse nod, "Very good. At least your stupid ass is smart enough to remember that."

Leaning down, I put my nose on hers, "You know I need to punish you now, don't you?"

She nodded, her nose rubbing against my own as a look of rapture clouded into her eyes...

It was completely thrilling to see.

Slowly, carefully, I let her kneel down deeply, helping to hold her weight as she settled back down on her haunches.

Turning from her, I went back to my bag of tricks, trying to decide what I wanted to do.

I had a few options in my bag.

A nice hempen rope. A harsh, angry pair of metal handcuffs, or a pair of lovingly made leather wrist straps.

Each had its own merits.

The rope would be nice if I wanted to start tying her up. It might be nice, but I quickly discarded the idea. Today was about exploring her pain tolerances and what really got her motor revving. Taking the time needed to do a full Shibari tie would eat up too much time and energy, plus it would take away from the energy needed to explore what needed to be explored.

The handcuffs, while expedient, I discarded as well. They would do in a pinch, but I always felt like handcuffs were just too impersonal. They worked when I wanted to restrain quickly, but they always felt lazy to me. They were also a no-no in my book because they took time to come off and that was always something that made me worried. They were also risky during play. They were hard and unforgiving and they balanced all of the weight of restraint against a very small surface area.

I had seen times when a cramp popped up, or someone moved a shoulder wrong, or called out their safe word and in those cases the person needed to be released immediately. Even if I wore the key on a strap around my wrist, as I always did, it took time to unhook the person and to me, that was unforgivable.

So I settled on the leather wrist cuffs I had made her.

Pulling them out, I turned back to her, showing them off...

They were an effort of love. Made of black leather of matching stock to her collar, set wide and lined with otter fur...

They had small, sewn in D-rings, which I had set with care, that could be used with a little double-sided clamp, so they could still be used to quickly immobilize, like handcuffs, but without the need for key.

Returning to the chair, I sat, showing her the toy I had made for her, "I made these for you."

She smiled a little, "Thank you, Sir."

Giving her a little wave, I ordered her, "Give me your hands..."

Immediately, she pulled her hands from behind her back, extending her wrists to me as she bowed her head...

It was amazingly erotic, her arms outstretched, her head bowed...

Slowly, carefully, I put the cuffs on her.

She purred as I put them on her, stretching her arms and back, her lithe muscles stretching beneath her skin, setting my mind to buzzing with possibilities as to what to do with her.

She set her head against my knees and I sensed, for a moment, that she was at her most vulnerable. Now was not the time to push her, or hurt her.

"Come here," I ordered.

She looked up at me, her eyes hazy, "Yes sir."

She crawled closer to me and I took the back of her head slowly, carefully. Pulling her head towards my lap, she turned her mouth, obviously confused by my intentions. Her fingers moved towards my zipper, and so sternly I told her, "No."

She looked up at me, confusion in her eyes.

"Turn your face." I ordered.

She turned, placing her head in my lap as I let my fingers tangle in her hair.

Melting in my lap, she went limp and I realized I had made exactly the right call at exactly the right time. Part of me wondered if this wasn't what she needed right now. A part, a strong part wondered if what she needed wasn't just submissive aftercare. Just the very act of being collared and cuffed might have been as much as she could handle.

What she might need right now was simple human contact...

Holding her head against my lap, I made a small adjustment, moving my hand from the back of her head and into her hair, holding her by the hair as she pressed her head into my lap.

It was a much more dominating position. One was a comforting gesture, the other was a type of comforting domination.

Her arms tightened around my legs as she clung to me...

"Good girl." I whispered, my fingers tightening in her hair as I pressed her head harder into my lap.

She moaned, making a small circle with her hips as she clung to me.

A let her sit there like that for a good long time, watching her as she mewled and made those strange little circles with her hips...

Finally, after about five minutes, I lifted her by the hair, making her make eye contact with me as she kept her head in my lap. Slowly I brushed her face, "Do you want to continue?"

She looked up at me, her eyes filled with misery and I knew that she needed to stop. Her eyes filled up with tears which spilled from her cheeks. Slowly I pulled her head back into my lap as I wrapped my arms around her head, shushing her as she cried into my lap...

Chapter 7:

Sitting in the oversized leather chair, I crossed my legs, pulling my foot in in a way that was a little uncomfortable.

Psychologists always made me nervous. Even Eva...

I thought back on all the sessions that I had had with her.

I had been seeing her for a little over a year now. Once every two weeks.

I wanted to say that it was helping, but deep down there was a little seed within my mind that doubted that.

"Isaac?" her voice cut into my thoughts.

Looking up at her, I raised my eyebrows at her questioningly, "Huh?"

She smiled that easy smile she always had when meeting with me. That smile must have been something that they taught in school, though I had never learned it.

A part of me wondered if there was someone right now, in one of her classes that was teaching Mia that very same smile right now...

Eva's smile got wider, "I was asking about this girl you've been seeing, Mia? Right?"

I looked at her, dialing in to what she was saying, a sense of discomfort working its way up in my chest as I looked down, scratching above my eye, "I didn't say I was seeing her..."

Eva's smile turned into a little laugh as she covered her mouth, "You've been having dinner with her three times a week for more than a month now, haven't you?"

I shrugged, "Yeah, but..."

There was a weird sense of shame that filled me.

It was unexpected and unusual for me.

I knew what I was, and for the most part, I had accepted it.

Eva put her hands down on the arms of the chair, the picture of self-control as her eyes bored into me, "You know that it's okay to allow yourself to be happy and see someone outside of your professional life, right?"

Eva knew all about me. Knew what I did for a living. That had not been an easy relationship to cultivate. Kink friendly therapists were not a dime a dozen...

I had burned through six before I had found one that didn't treat me like a deviant that needed to be fixed.

Giving her one terse nod, I met her eyes, "Yeah. I know. But my relationship with Mia isn't like that. It..." my thoughts wandered, "it isn't romantic. It's just a friendship. I find her really, really interesting. There's a strength there. Something that I've never seen before."

Eva tilted a hand up, resting her long, elegant fingers next to her face as she leaned on her hand, "And the thought of a romantic relationship with her has never crossed your mind?"

I shrugged, not breaking her gaze, "I guess... but..."

It all came rushing in then.

All the meetings with Mia. The attraction for her. That look she had when she smiled. The casual brush of her fingers against my arm as she laughed. The fierce fire in her face as she walked.

Everything about her was so perfect.

I felt myself deflate.

That was not to be, and I needed to accept that.

Giving Eva a weak smile, I wrinkled my nose at her, "It's not like that's possible. Right?"

Eva leaned harder into her hand, "Why not?"

An evil laugh bubbled out of me, making it as far as a single chuckle before I strangled it out, "You know why not. How does that conversation go?"

Eva looked away from me, her eyes narrowing, "Aren't you a good communicator?"

I studied her, trying to wrap my mind around what she was talking about.

She winced at me, "Isn't that what a relationship is about in your eyes? Good communication? Even when it's a tough conversation?"

I watched her, understanding at last what she was suggesting, "It's not that simple."

She put her hands in her lap, giving me a weak smile, "Why isn't it that simple? Yes, maybe you're open with her and she rejects you. Maybe she accepts you, but she can't have a romantic relationship with you based on what you tell her."

She raised her hands, "That at least gives you the option to make a choice. Even if that choice isn't one you want to face."

She wrinkled her nose at me, "And maybe she just accepts you. Does that scare you?"

I looked at her, really thinking about what she was saying to me...

I nodded finally, "A little."

Looking away from her, I thought of...

My mind recoiled away from that thought...

Eva saw it.

"How are the dreams?" she asked, her voice cautious.

My eyes snapped back up to hers, a surge of annoyance splashing through me as my mind clicked onto what she had done. There was a brief flare of anger that crashed through me at her opening me up so unexpectedly and then laying that knockout punch on me...

My jaw tightened as I tried to force the anger down.

She tilted her head at me, "Does it make you angry that I ask that?"

Taking a deep breath, I pushed it out through my nose, feeling the tension in my shoulders melt away, "No."

She put her hand back to the side of her face, "You're sure?"

Smiling a little, I allowed, "Okay. A little."

She smiled at me, "And that's okay too."

There was a little twitch in my cheek as I watched her watching me.

I knew it was an involuntary twitch, but it annoyed me all the same.

I didn't want to answer her. Didn't want to think about the dreams, but this was my choice. I decided to come here. I decided that this was something that I wanted to work my way through. I was in control here. Even when I didn't feel like I was.

"The dreams are better." I allowed, the mental picture playing out across my mind, splashing in full technicolor glory behind my eyes...

"It's been a few weeks since I've had it though." I allowed.

Eva's eyes filled to the brim with compassion, "And that's better?"

I felt like a raw, exposed nerve, "Yes."

"Why do you think it's getting better?" she asked, her face filled with curiosity.

I shook my head, "I have no clue. It just," I looked away from her, my eyes flowing across the paisley flowered carpet in her office. Finally, giving up, I shrugged, "It just is."

Chapter 8:

Mia pushed her food around her plate unenthusiastically...

I leaned a little, trying to meet her eyes, only to remind myself for the thousandth time that that was something that she was never going to see or respond to...

"Something wrong with your food?" I asked, worry staining my voice.

She looked up, her gaze not quite tracking my face, instead looking a little over my left shoulder, "No."

She looked back down, her shoulders slumping a little as she made a face, "I'm sorry."

I reached over taking her hand in mine. Her hands were so soft...

Moving like I had touched a hot iron, I pulled my hand from hers, "Sorry."

An amused smile slid across her face, "About what?"

I shook my head at my own stupidity, "I shouldn't have touched you without asking..."

Her hand reached across the table, finding mine in the dark, "It's okay..."

She squeezed my hand protectively, "You don't need to ask to hold my hand."

Smiling, I gave her a little squish of my nose, which she couldn't see, but that made me feel better all the same, "You just seemed like something was bothering you and I wanted to remind you that I'm here."

Her gaze waved back and forth across where I was, "Thank you for that."

I shrugged, "What are friends for?"