Vanilla Ch. 06-09

Flicking a switch, she bathed the room in light, "Better?"

She set her cane on a little table next to her keys.

Turning, she smiled at me, "Drink?"

Guilt pounded into me.

As much as I wanted to lie to myself I knew the truth.

A girl doesn't invite a girl to her place for drinks at nearly midnight if there isn't at least some intention in her mind of there being a romantic connection. Yeah, maybe she had no intention of sleeping with me, but there was something here that was beyond what I had originally fooled myself into believing...

"Isaac?" she asked.

"I should go."

She looked at me in wonder, and then her face fell...

"I understand."

There was something in her voice. In her shoulders. The way they slumped in defeat. It was the first time I had seen anything even approaching hopelessness in her.

Stepping close to her, I asked, "What do you mean?"

She shook her head, heading towards the kitchen, "Stupid blind girl. I should have realized that..."

My eyes widened in shock as it finally hit me.

She thought?

Wait? Really?

She thought I thought she wasn't good enough for me?

Seriously?

Moving quickly, I walked to her, taking her hand, "Wait. Mia, it isn't that!"

She turned, her shoulders slumped, "No. I get it. I just thought..."

Taking her shoulders between my palms, I turned her, making her face me, "Mia. You are..."

I tried to think of the words. Tried to think of the correct way to make her understand how spectacular she was...

She looked up at me, "You don't have to lie to me. I get it. It doesn't make you a bad person or anything. Who wants..."

"Mia. It's not you or anything about you. Everything about you is amazing. I just can't..." I tried to make my mind wrap around what I needed to say.

I could feel the moment sneaking away from me...

The voice came back, "Tell her. Let her make a choice..."

"Be honest." It whispered.

My shoulders slumped as I realized that I had two choices. I could tell her the truth and maybe lose her, or I could turn away and definitely lose her.

"Look. I'm sorry. I..." I tried to find the words again...

"Jesus Christ..." I muttered.

How would I even say this?

Scrunching up my face, I shook my head, "I need to say something. I need to tell you something."

She looked at me, her face full of questions, "I don't understand."

Taking my hands off her, I held them to my sides, "I don't know how to say this... God," I shook my head, "I fucked this up so badly."

Closing my eyes, I held my head down in shame...

She moved closer to me before stopping and looking up at me, "Can I ask you a favor?"

Looking at her, I nodded, "Of course. You've been patient with me..."

She looked up before slowly reaching out with both her hands, "Can I see you?"

Looking at her, I reached out, taking her hands in my own, my problems forgotten, "What do you mean see me?"

Her hands moved slowly, coming up, her fingertips trembling as they found my face...

She rested her palms against my jaw, her fingers beneath my ears, her thumbs upon my cheeks. Looking up at me, she smiled and I wished that she had taken her dark glasses off. I really wanted to see her eyes as she looked at me.

She giggled, "You're all bristly..."

She was so happy, I couldn't help but smile as my heart twisted in my chest, "You telling me I need to shave?"

Shaking her head, she told me, "No... I like bristly."

Her hands slid up my face, exploring as they moved up my cheeks until her fingers rested against my hair, her thumbs on my eyebrows...

Her voice was liltingly happy as she explored, "Let's see what we're working with here..."

Her smile turned into a smirk, "Good hairline. Good."

I moved closer to her, putting my hands on her hips...

She felt so fucking good.

Her thumbs moved over my eyebrows, "Bushy eyebrows, huh? Bold choice Mister Elm."

I shook my head at her, "Not really a choice. Just how they grow in."

Her thumbs moved, running down the bridge of my nose as her fingertips slowly moved down the sides of my eyes...

"Broken nose..." she chimed.

I smiled wider, "I was a fighter as a teenager. Too much testosterone and too little common sense. Never knew when to back down from a fight."

Her eyes narrowed, "Not much has changed there I think..."

"I'm too old for that shit now. Lost most of the fights I was in anyway. Figured that I'd give it up before someone made me even uglier than I already am."

She laughed at me as her hands continued down my face. Her thumbs moved across my upper lip as her fingers caressed my cheeks, "Nice high cheekbones..."

I smirked at her as her fingertips finished running across my jawline...

"You're handsome." She told me as she returned her hands to their original place, thumbs against my cheeks, fingers against the side of my head.

She moved slowly, her face moving up towards mine as she stood on her tippy toes...

Her movement was graceful, like a dancer's...

So hypnotizing...

Moving my face forward my lips met hers.

Her lips were heaven upon mine as we kissed. She felt so good in my arms that I couldn't help but pull her closer. She wrapped her arms around my neck as she pressed her body to mine...

She was too much.

She was too perfect.

Her mouth opened beneath mine, her tongue slipping into my mouth.

Her kisses tasted like strawberries...

It was heaven. She drove all doubt from my mind.

My fingers slipped into her shirt, her skin silky and smooth beneath my fingertips.

I started to push her to the bed.

What was worse was she let me. She was eager to have me...

That was what stopped me.

She wanted me and I wanted her, but I wasn't honest with her. I didn't deserve her and much as my mind filled with visions of her naked body surging beneath mine, I knew that I would hate myself if I didn't tell her the truth.

I pulled my lips from hers with a herculean effort...

"Wait." I panted as my brain screamed at me that I was a complete and total idiot for even thinking of stopping her...

She pulled against me, "It's okay. I want you."

Her voice was filled with longing. With need for me.

I tried to push her away as she pulled against me, "No. I can't. I need..." I stammered, "I need to tell you something..."

She shook her head as she pushed her body back against mine, her lips once again finding my own...

I kissed her back eagerly, all sense driven from my mind as her tongue slid back into my mouth, caressing my own as we kissed.

I found us moving, once more towards the bed...

Stopping us again, I pulled my lips from hers, "I have to tell you this..."

She shook her head at me, "I don't care what it is. I want you."

Her lips, once again found mine.

I wasn't strong enough to resist her.

I wanted her too much.

She was so perfect.

She was everything that I wanted in a woman.

That thought was what finally gave me the strength to pull my hands from her shirt. To take her arms. To push her away.

I just kept telling myself, over and over again, she was everything I wanted in a woman.

I knew that if I slept with her right now...

I would be betraying her.

"Stop. Mia, please." I begged, knowing that if she pressed those perfect lips to my own one more time that I wouldn't have the strength to resist her.

My face melted, "I have to tell you."

She stopped, breathing hard as she looked at me, a smile on her face. Shaking her head at me, she moved her hands, placing them upon my arms as I held them, "It's okay. I don't care. Whatever it is. I don't care."

Tilting my head at her I felt the frown on my face as my heart twisted in my chest, "You're going to care about this. I promise you."

My head dropped and the strength nearly ran out of me. My knees got weak. My shoulders slumped, "Please."

She nodded, worry written plain upon her face, "Okay. It's okay. Calm down."

Turning, she led me, "Come on. Sit down... it's okay."

Letting her lead me, I realized that this was finally happening.

I was going to have to tell her the full truth.

She sat next to me. So close to me.

I could feel the warmth of her, her leg pressed against my own. Her had in mine as she held it, looking for and giving me comfort all at the same time.

"Just spit it out..." my brain screamed at me, "don't be a coward!"

I tried to make the words come.

They refused.

Dropping my head into my palms, all I could do was shake my head.

I found my voice, but I was unable to find the words that I needed. Instead, all I could say was, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."

Closing my eyes, I held my head in my hands...

Her voice surprised me, "Isaac?"

I couldn't answer her.

There was worry in her voice as she asked again, "Isaac? It's going to be okay."

Her fingers tightened on my pantleg, "Isaac. I'm here. We're going to figure this out together. You can tell me. It can't be that bad..."

Shaking my head as my heart twisted in my chest... I knew the truth.

She ran her hand against my leg, her voice lilting as she spoke to me, "I'm going to help you."

Her words where like sledgehammer on my soul...

I could hear the smile on her face as she asked me, "Do you remember the first time we had dinner together?"

The sudden change in topic got my attention, making me look at her, "Yes."

She smiled, "The question game was a trick. It's something that I learned to help people open up. Can I help you?"

I didn't want to. Didn't want to let her help me...

But I had no choice.

Nodding, I made my voice work, "Okay."

She tangled her fingers in my pants again, "So you feel like this is important?"

I nodded, "Yes."

"But you don't want to tell me?"

I shook my head, "No."

She tilted her head, studying me, "Why not?"

It was such a simple question but it was also a profound one. It surprised me that I had not thought that far ahead before.

I had to really think about it.

It didn't take me long to figure it out.

I answered her, my voice quiet, "I really like you. I'm worried you'll reject me once I tell you..."

She took my hand, a frown on her face, "I understand."

Her smile turned to a frown, "I like you too..."

Just that smile. Those few simple words made me feel so much different. They made me feel stronger. They made me feel like things were maybe going to be okay...

Her face turned thoughtful, "You know what I like about you?"

Again, her sudden turn of the conversation made me blink. It threw off my entire line of thinking. It was ironic because she was asking me that question and just the very fact of her asking it made me realize that was one of the things that I liked about her...

Her sharp mind. Her wit. How smart and caring she was. Her lust for life.

I tried to focus on her question. Tried to make myself understand what such a wonderful woman could see in me. What could make such a tremendous person pay any attention to me.

I wasn't special.

She was.

Shaking my head, I answered her, "I have no clue what you see in me."

"It's what I hate most about being blind." She told me. "The way people treat you. People always seem to act like the fact that I'm blind is what defines me. They get so caught up in what I can't do that they never seem to realize what I can. You never treat me like that. You don't act like my blindness defines me. You treat me like my blindness is just a part of me. Like it's something secondary to who and what I am."

She squeezed my hand harder, "I've never met a man that makes me feel like that."

This time it was me that squeezed her hand.

She smiled at me in response.

"Whatever this thing is," she continued, "this thing that worries you so much. It doesn't define you. No matter what it is, it's just a part of you. Now whatever it is, I can't say I'm fine with it. I can't say it won't change how I see you, but I can tell you that that one thing isn't you, and I understand that."

She stopped, pushing her glasses back up, which I came to realize was a nervous tick she had. It was something she did when she felt self-conscious about her blindness...

"I can't change that I'm blind. I can't work on that problem. I'm betting you that no matter what you have to tell me, it's something about yourself that you can change if you want to..."

She smiled a sad smile at me while she shrugged, "you just need to decide what's important to you."

She moved closer to me, "None of us are normal. Most of us do a really good job of hiding that. That's another thing I love about you. You're not normal and you're okay with that. You're honest, and forthright. You don't filter things."

Everything she told me washed over me.

It was so much to take in.

She saw the best in me.

She saw so many things in me that I didn't even see in myself...

She also made me feel so strong...

She made me find my words...

"Now much do you know about BDSM?" I asked.

I could see some of the surprise on her face as the question landed. I had to admit, I was watching her carefully to see how judgmental she was...

She didn't seem to be judging me. She just seemed to be surprised by the question.

She tilted her head and even behind her dark glasses I could see her eyes narrow as she studied me, "You mean like Fifty Shades of Grey?"

Laughing, I shook my head. That book, and the subsequent movies were both a blessing and a curse to a community. Yes, it moved a lot of what we practiced into a more mainstream, accepted viewpoint, but it also put some weird thoughts into people's minds and then put them into positions that caused them to risk their own safety.

Hospitalization rates from kinky sex jumped through the roof after so many people jumped on board not really knowing what the hell they were doing.

Nodding a little, I answered her, "Yeah, a little like that, but real life is always a little more complicated..."

She smiled, her hand once again taking my own, "So that's what you had to tell me? You're into kinky sex?"

I winced, wishing that it were only that simple...

"No." I answered, "I, uh..." taking a deep breath I made myself finish, "I'm a pro-Dom."

She tilted her head as she raised an eyebrow, "A what now?"

"People pay me to dominate them. That's what I do for a living?"

That got her attention.

She actually snapped back a little, "You mean, like... sexually?"

Frowning, I figured this would be the point when the entire thing fell apart, "Sometimes. Though usually that's not what people are looking for. Domination and submission are complicated things that mean different things to different people. Most people are just looking to scratch and itch that they can't scratch somewhere else. A lot of them are just looking for a release from their day to day lives. For some, it's about sex, but for most it's about the submission itself. They are looking for someone that has the ability to meet their needs without increasing their risk."

She pulled her hands from mine and scooted away...

Folding my hands, I put them into my lap, "I understand."

It hurt, but less than I would have expected it to...

Mostly I just felt numb.

She scooted back into me, putting her hand back on my leg, "No. I'm sorry. I was just surprised. I... uh, I was just surprised. I'm still your friend."

Looking at her, I put my hand on her leg, making sure I kept it well away from anything that could even suggest that I was trying to be intimate with her. Patting her knee, I took a deep breath, "I'm going to go. I'm... I'm sorry I didn't say something earlier. You deserved that..."

She grabbed my hand, "Please. Don't."

Looking at her, I was amazed once again by how beautiful she was...

Shaking my head in sadness, I looked at her, "It's okay. I know you feel like you made me promises. You didn't. I did this."

She grabbed my hand, "Wait! I mean it! I..." I could see that wonderful mind of hers try and work her way through what she was thinking...

Reaching up, I put my hand against her cheek, my thumb rubbing against her cheekbone, "You are such a wonderful person, Mia."

Even through my sadness, I found a smile...

"I like you a lot. There's a lot for you to think about."

I tried to think my way through what I needed to say to her...

"In two days, I'll be at the diner. If you're not there, I understand. I won't go there ever again. I'll leave you alone and you'll never have to see me again."

I shrugged at her, "And if you decide to come. I'll be there and you can ask whatever questions you want..."