Vivian: Life in Estonia Ch. 18

Upon learning from Raimond Kruuse, that he was identified for certainty by a DNA test for paternity, as the man who had impregnated Varvaara Raudsepp, Vivian asked, "So did she have an abortion then? I understand you can have an abortion up to the end of the eleventh week of pregnancy and the DNA testing for paternity can be done after the eighth week of pregnancy."

Raimond replied, "No she didn't. I think the DNA test had a profound physiological effect on her. In one of our subsequent conversations, Varvaara indicated, that when she first ascertained that she was pregnant, she was annoyed. She viewed her pregnancy as a condition of an inconvenience that would interfere with her enjoyment of life as a college student. So, to her mind, the obvious solution was to get an abortion.

"The abortion laws in our country foster such an attitude. As you said a woman can get an abortion no questions asked up to the end of the eleventh week of pregnancy. Under certain stipulated conditions such as a danger to the mother's health, an abortion can still be permitted up to the end of the twenty-first week of pregnancy."

Vivian opined, "Yes, I really cannot countenance an abortion upon demand. In the United States when President Clinton was in office, he articulated that the Democrat Party's position was that abortions should be safe, legal and rare. But since that pronouncement, his Party has dropped the inclusion of the word 'rare' in their policy position."

Raimond continued without uttering a comment on the abortion issue. "In any case once she and I had participated in the DNA test for paternity she developed a whole new outlook on her actual physical condition. Obviously, she was intellectually aware of the particulars of pregnancy. Nevertheless, taking part in the DNA test brought home to her the reality that she had another human being growing inside her and she was its mother. How could she justify by simply discarding unilaterally this human being! Consequently, she changed her mind, and informed me that she would bring this pregnancy to full term. She further advised she was still unsure whether to keep the baby and raise it on her own or give it up for adoption. I suspected that she had already made up her mind to keep the baby."

Vivian asked, "So, how did you react to these developments?"

Raimond responded, "Sad to say I was infuriated. Up until the paternity test, I was absolutely certain that Varvaara and I had not had sexual intercourse that night. So, in the meantime, I had started dating Lenni Järve, and we had a marvelous time. We were soon sexually active, and I spent Christmas Eve with her family. She then came to meet my family on Christmas Day. We were becoming an item. That is until the disquieting news of Varvaara, and her baby spoiled it all. The real bitter pill to swallow for me was the realization that had I not been so stubborn in not paying for an abortion, as was her original intention, my relationship with Lenni would have remained intact and then who knows?"

Vivian said, "As I'm against abortion, I'm not so empathetic to your plight. Just because Varvaara was pregnant by you does not mean the end of the world nor for that matter the end of your relationship with Ms Järve. Surely, she would make allowances for your behavior. I'm in agreement with you that at the very least Ms Varvaara could have easily avoided having sex with you. Surely Ms Järve would not have begrudged you having to pay child support if she were truly in love with you."

Raimond replied, "One would think that you would be absolutely right in your conjecture. However, when I did approach Lenni to advise her of the details she was not quite so understanding. She was furious at me for not having told her about Varvaara beforehand, as if that would have mattered, or made any difference. She advised me that she was infertile, and she had planned to reveal her condition if our relationship were to become serious. She didn't elaborate on the reason for her infertility.

"In Lenni's view, it would have been one thing had I been married and subsequently separated. In such case she would welcome my children and she would enjoy the status of being a stepmother whether or not I had full or joint custody or just visitation rights. But in the actual situation she could not see herself derive any enjoyment to see me pay another women child support for the sole reason I had gotten drunk one evening and was indiscreet."

Vivian reacted, "Oh wow! What an attitude! Although I can understand her viewpoint. What happened next?"

Raymond said, "Well, once Varvaara had elected to carry her pregnancy to term, I had to reassess my position. It did not matter that in the one act of sex which resulted in her pregnancy, I was totally drunk. Nor did it matter, that I had no recollection of the event. There was no denying the fact that I was going to become the father to Varvaara Raudsepp's child. I was taught to be responsible for my actions.

"I had refused her request to pay for her abortion, since I was convinced, I couldn't be the father. Once it was established that I was responsible for her pregnancy then I was prepared to pay for the abortion as it certainly seemed to me to be the optimum outcome. Unlike you along with the position of my political Party, I believe the woman has the ultimate right to choose whether she would go through with her pregnancy.

"However, when the woman, in my case Varvaara Raudsepp chooses to go through with the birth, then I as the father come into the picture. In examining various information literature on parenting, the consensus is that research has thoroughly demonstrated that children raised by their biological parents in a stable, intact home usually have distinct advantages over those compared with children raised by adoptive parents, stepparents, divorced parents, cohabiting parents, a single parent or any other parental arrangements.

"Mind you nowadays, there is virtually no stigma attached to the status of illegitimate children. Still for the well-being of the individual it is best not to be born illegitimately. To be born legitimately the parents of the child must be married before birth.

"With these thoughts and facts running through my mind, I came to the conclusion that since I was going to become a father, it behooved me to provide the best outcome for my child. The best outcome would be that Varvaara, and I needed to get married and live together. Accordingly, after many discussions with Varvaara she reluctantly agreed to marry. We got married in May after the completion of Varvaara's first year at Tallinn University. Our daughter Maria was born in August."

Vivian commented, "That's quite a story Raimond. You make a case for marriage, but as you said children thrive in a stable marriage living with both parents. I gather from what you said earlier you did not have a happy marriage and that's understandable considering the circumstances."

Raimond, "Yes Vivian. That was absolutely true. My marriage had no chance from the get go. Varvaara resented the fact she could not lead the carefree lifestyle of what she had imagined was in store for her as a college student. She had thought that her twenties would be the time to have fun: parties; drinking and many boyfriends. There would be time enough to settle down once she was thirty. That's the time she expected to become a mother, not at nineteen. She was still so thoughtless about birth control despite the fact as a student it would not cost her anything to get a proper contraceptive. And so, she gave birth to another daughter, Amanda."

Vivian asked impertinently, "So are you suggesting your marriage failed solely because of your wife's immaturity?"

Raimond replied, "Oh no! I know I did not do my share to make our marriage work. Even though it was I who made the push for us to get married. I could not shake the feeling that I really didn't have sex with Varvaara. So, I resented the fact I was essentially forced to marry. I admit I was not invested in making the marriage work. We fought constantly. We had infrequent sex which is one of the reasons Varvaara was lackadaisical in birth control.

"I do give credit though to Varvaara for finishing school and obtaining her Baccalaureate degree despite being a mother for three of the years and mother of two in her final academic year. With her excellent academic record, she was able to land a non academic job at the University. This allowed her to proceed to undertake a graduate program and is now a tenured professor at the school."

Vivian questioned, "You're still married today just like I am, but my marriage is definitely over. Eino and I are in agreement in the main of settlement issues, so that divorce will inevitably soon follow. What then is your situation? You said you separated and have lived apart for fifteen years. Any particular reason why you're not divorced? Is there still a reconciliation possibility?"

Raimond answered, "No, there's no reconciliation possible. When Maria was six years old and was about to enter grade school, we both came to the realization that we were hurting our daughters emotionally by our constant bickering. We realized it was a dreadful atmosphere for our daughters to endure. We knew that they would be better off, if we lived separate and apart.

"Curiously enough we worked out a separation agreement without rancor. We agreed to a regular visitation schedule flexible enough to change as an emergency arises. I must say we were very mature in dealing with each other after separation than when we were living together. We were very circumspect in not to bad mouth each other to our children. As a result, I have a great relationship with both my daughters. They are great girls and are sure to succeed in life. I'm very proud of them."

Vivian observed, "Your experience justifies my position for pro life. Had you acquiesced in Varvaara's initial demand for you to pay for an abortion in order for you to continue your promising relationship with Lenni Järve, you might have had a great marriage with Ms Järve but you would have had no children. Although unfortunately you would not be unique in this matter in Estonia. And more importantly, Maria Kruuse and for that matter Amanda Kruuse would not exist today."

Raimond replied, "Yes, I must agree in our case your viewpoint is justified. The abortion law in Estonia as you know allows abortion upon demand up until the end of the eleventh week of pregnancy but really in reality an abortion is permitted up to the end of the twenty-first week under certain conditions such as: (a) if the woman is younger than 15 years old; (b) or if the woman is older than 45 years old; (c) if the pregnancy endangers the woman's health; (d) if the child may have a serious physical or mental defect; (e)or if the woman's illness or other medical problem hinders the child's development. I daresay almost all abortions can fit into one of those cases especially with the cooperation of a sympathetic physician."

Vivian said, "Yes, it's even worse in the United States, in that some states allow abortions after the twenty-first week of pregnancy known as late-term abortions. There was even a former governor of Virginia who remarkably was a physician himself, justify snuffing out a baby born after a failed abortion. Contrast this with Pro Life advocates including the Susan B Anthony list and the Abortion Survivors Network featured a remarkable woman in their ads. This woman survived a failed late term abortion and was adopted. She became a wife and a mother, obtained a master's level graduate degree, and worked as an occupational therapist."

Raimond gasped, "Wow! That's actually barbaric. Anyway, Varvaara did not get the abortion and the abortion issue now no longer matters in our case. Paradoxically, since we separated and have lived apart, these past fifteen years I have grown to highly respect Varvaara and like her very much. We get along much better and seldom have we had any disagreement as to the method of raising our daughters or disciplining them.

"We devised a unique custodial scheduling arrangement. A weekend visitation started Friday afternoon when both girls were finished with school for that day and ended at 08:00 PM Sunday evening. The first weekend of the month the girls remained with Varvaara; the second weekend I would take care of Maria only; the third weekend I would have Amanda only; and in the fourth weekend as well as if there's a fifth weekend, I would have custody of both girls. This schedule still applies while they are both at the University in Tartu, but since they are now adults the visitation schedule is only a guide for them. More often than not they remain in Tartu. And I'm sure they will both be living independently once they have finished their education."

Vivian then said, "Wow it does seem like things have worked out for the better for you. Still, you haven't divorced despite having lived apart for fifteen years. Does this mean there is a reconciliation possibility? I get the impression by the way you've been talking that you still have sex occasionally with her."

Raimond answered, "No there is no possibility of reconciliation. We just have different interests. I'm too wrapped up with my position in the government, which is an anathema to her. Likewise, I'm not interested in her position with Tallinn University despite my previous connection with the school. You are correct to surmise Varvaara and I have had sex occasionally since we had separated. It has been rare, though, and certainly none for at least the past four years. Varvaara seems to have acquired a very steady boyfriend who satisfies her sexual lust.

"We haven't divorced for different reasons. For my part, I really have no interest in living with a woman as I'm just not domesticated enough for a successful marriage. I'm a workaholic such that I don't need sex so much. So, my situation where I have three women on call for sex at a moment's notice is the ideal situation for me. That being the case there is no impetus for me to seek a divorce. If at any time Varvaara should wish for a divorce I would not stand in her way."

Upon hearing this, Vivian put a positive spin to his remarks. By taking at face value as to what he had just said, gave her hope for a great sexual affair. She thought that a true workaholic would view sex as an incidental secondary occurrence, not to detract from the main pleasure in his work. In Vivian's view as Raimond took the trouble in booking a room in this posh hotel, he must consider his occasional sexual activity as important in his life and in his desires. That in turn should translate into sensational sex. At least it had to be better than the desultory sex she was getting from the reluctant Urmus Tralla.

Raimond continued with his explanation, "As to Varvaara she has confided in me as to why she has up to now not been gung ho in seeking a divorce. Her father and mother divorced when she was four years old, and she was their only child. Her mother then remarried when she was eight years old. Almost from the time her stepfather moved in with them, he began molesting her. She hated every abuse he had inflicted on her. What was even more mortifying to her was that when she complained to her mother, her mother wouldn't believe her.

"Her mother blatantly accused Varvaara of lying and making up stories. She refused to confront her husband about Varvaara's accusations. And so Varvaara had a miserable childhood. Her schoolteachers were alert to notice her sullen disposition. Since Varvaara did very well in her school work, they did not pay much attention to her behavior at first. When she was ten years old and had reached grade six, her teacher at the time, became alarmed at her consistent somber and grave mood and demeanor. Her comportment was in sharp contrast to her happy disposition when she was seven or eight and in the first two grades in school.

"One day this schoolteacher confronted Varvaara in a private chat. As her teacher was female, Varvaara with little coaxing revealed all of the occasions of abuse she had to endured at home. The teacher immediately reported to the principal of the school who in turn reported to the proper authorities. In due course, full custody of Varvaara was reverted to her father who had also remarried. Her stepmother was very sympathetic, and they had a great relationship as a result. Varvaara refused to see her mother and the woman did not persist. Varvaara never saw her mother again, and doesn't even know whether she's alive or not, nor does she care."

All Vivian could say, "Oh God what a horrible story! I can't comprehend a mother who won't protect her child."

Raimond then said, "Given Varvaara's sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her stepfather, you could imagine her attitude as a mother herself of two girls. She had no problems in this regard when we were living together. She could sense intuitively I was the kind of man who would never contemplate or even be tempted to engage in inappropriate behavior with our daughters. And of course, she had had no problems with her own biological father who loved her appropriately. However, once we had separated, she had become very leery of other men.

"Since she and I realized, it was impossible for us to live amicably together, she knew for sex she would have to look elsewhere. And by looking elsewhere she would wish for more than a mere one night stand. It goes without saying that if she had no children that would not have been a problem. However, with two daughters, she couldn't help herself in wondering if any new man she would take a fancy to was not secretly a pedophile who would molest our daughters were she to cohabit with him.

"Intellectually, Varvaara knew it was unfair of her to make such a snap judgment of any man she would meet. Still her stepfather, had been a handsome man with a very engaging personality. He was well liked by his friends and acquaintances. Varvaara had to grudgingly admit she could see why her mother was skeptical of her accusations. Ultimately, though she didn't give her mother a pass as she had to have at least wondered about her accusations.

"As a result of her apprehensions, Varvaara decided not to get a divorce to avoid the temptation of getting married again. Needless to say, she was happy that I was ambivalent on this point. She refused to have sex in her house even when our daughters were with me in one of my weekends. She went so far as to refuse to introduce our daughters to any man as he came to the house to pick her up for a date.

"Perhaps now that our daughters are adults and presumably will be living independently from now on, Varvaara might want a divorce soon. However, at this point she does seem content with her single lifestyle. Although, she's been in an exclusive relationship for the past four years, she does not seem to be in any hurry to cohabit with him. In any case that's the story on why I'm still married despite being separated from my wife for the past fifteen years."

Vivian reacted, "Wow! That'd quite a unique story. Everything now fits and I now understand your lifestyle. I'm sure most people who are not privy to your actual background, would find it weird that you and your wife would remain married while living separate and apart for fifteen years. Especially considering each of you have sexual relations with others. One would think that normally at least one of you would have sought a divorce.

Raimond replied, "Yes, it is what it is. In any case it seems like our dinner date is at an end. My offer previously hinted at is still open. I'd love a night of passion with you. You are a most charming woman as beguiling as ever I could possibly desire. So, what do you say my dearest Minister of Culture?"

Vivian was bemused by his unorthodox blunt form of seduction. Still Vivian reasoned that it must have been obvious to him throughout the date that she was easily susceptible for a sexual adventure. So, she decided to be blunt as well. She replied, "At this point I do not wish to be bashful nor coy with you. I would love to have sex with you and even enter into a no strings attached relationship or affair with you. And I have various reasons for such desire. Not the least of which is that I find you a most attractive man. In fact, I'll go so far as to confess that if you just want to fuck me tonight and then have nothing further to do with me after that, then well I can accept that. And if you want to have only periodic sex with me that is fine with me as well. Just so you know that whatever will come of our relationship it will not be an exclusive one."