All Comments on 'VY Ch. 00-03'

I can't see the necessity of an MMF scene in a world where the male-female ratio is 1 to 10000.

Far out! Looking to the next chapter. 5 stars!

As this is your first foray into L/W, I will try to be nice. The problems I had wit this tale was the drifting from present tense (Something happening right now) to third (telling of things from a viewers stand point (best tense)).

Next you started the story like this

The small percentage of remaining men in the other parts of the world did not fare any better and within months, only about 2,000 males were alive.

Next sentence.

Every scientist specializing in genetics, reproductive science, virology and any other concentration of relevance to fighting VYrus and rebuilding humanity was weighing in on how humanity could avoid this extinction level event with less than 50,000 surviving males

Two paragraphs later..

So, when the number of surviving males hit 2,000 a new state of emergency was declared bringing with it a new set of laws focused on survival of the human race on a genetic level.

With in four paragraphs you changed your numbers three times, an editor or beta reader could have helped prevent this.

If you plan on continuing this story, get one or both before you submit it.

Given such a severe shortage of men, too much precious sperm is spent on blowjobs even at the stage of testing and selecting candidates for wives. It would be more correct and useful for all accompanying staff not to wear panties and lift up skirts or robe floors at the slightest arousal in men...

Wow! Let me say first that I am astounded by how this story has taken off in just the first 24 hours compared to my other 2 works (short stories) which have had reasonable ratings and okay view totals. As for some of the comments that only serve to degrade, they will be deleted if no reasonable justification given. I can accept criticism, just make it helpful. Now, to address some issues brought up in other comments, yes, I do realize there was significant issue in the story tense going back and forth, which is why Volunteer Editor Phil Anderer is helping me with this story. There is also several other changes in the story (one being replacing Trump as the president with Dr. Oz even though Trump was president when I first started writing this story in 2018). Additionally, there is significant additional storyline that has been typed up in the version to-be-published right now, which will replace this version's text, so I would ask that in the next few days when it is hopefully approved that you take another look and modify your vote and comment again if you feel it is appropriate. Regarding those who keep claiming that this story is a rip off or indicative of another common sci-fi writer's style, I am not convinced because I've been a sci-fi fan all my life and watched and read a ton of it, even some really badly written ones. This story as it exists, still locked in my brain as I work to get it down on paper does not resemble any one particular genre. At best it relates in small degrees to multiple genres, but is completely original. I never copied a single word of anyone's work and quite frankly have no need to. I am an accomplished technical writer for multi-billion dollar corporations and have written probably over 100 reports in the course of my university degree programs. I do want to say thank you to all those who have taken the time to read my novel, even if you gave up after the first chapter, which is a terrible shame and I feel sad you missed out on the real meat and potatoes of the story so far. Depending on the final length of the story, which I estimate will total somewhere between 100k-150k words for this first novel, I will split up the story into multiple submissions of somewhere between 2-4 chapters each.

After a while of thinking about it, I have to ask, If he lives in a secluded complex and can't have outside visitors except the gov-ment how are any of his prodigy suppose to help repopulate the earth? He had to sign a no incest clause so I would assume (bad word) so would his wives and children. If he had 1500 wives and they each gave him five kids that would be 7500 people living in his apartment style house. Would that boarder on being a slum lord?

Enjoyed the story so far, but you've included a couple of things in the house rules that just do not work.

First: You've required that each wife is to be allocated a discretionary 60 minutes of intimacy per week with their husband.

With 1313 (including the original wife and assuming the 7 additional choices made with the first 4 wives accept) acceptances of a possible 1500, plus the original wife, means 1313 hours of discretionary intimacy are required of the husband each week. The problem is that there are only 168 total hours in the week with only 120 hours available after 8 hours of sleep. Group intimacy might be possible if the group is only two or three women who are close with each other, but with the hours available, every hour would need an 11 person group. Not likely that intimacy would actually be possible.

Second: Newly married wives from the Repopulation Program will be required to make at least 1 attempt every 90 days to become pregnant by the Head of household to continue zero-cost health care. After a wife has successfully delivered 5 male live births, they will receive lifetime zero-cost health care regardless of additional births as long as they remain in the same household.

Again the math does not work, at least at the beginning. With 1312 new wives all needing to be impregnated, giving them all an opportunity within 90 days means the husband would be required to do 14.6 women each day, and that assumes their fertile periods cooperates and spread equally over those 90 days.

Remember as well that the men have been told they will be required to add even more wives later. That makes both of these numbers even more impossible.

Anyway, keep on writing. It's a fun story and I'm curious where you're going to take it. Ultimately, for the project to be successful, it might require a combination of multiple wives (at a more manageable level) and sperm collection - the wives for mental/relational wellbeing and the sperm collection to reach many more women with artificial insemination.

This is more sci-fi category than LW. A few things were problematic for me. How many wives was he expected to have at any given point in time? It seemed like a couple of different numbers were thrown out in the telling of the story. Also the house laws or rules were somewhat ridiculous. Okay, it is fiction. But. First off the bat we have the topless rule...really? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love melons, orbs, headlights, ta-ta's, boobs, tits...you know, breasts. But making every adult go topless by law is illogical! And what about the rule where every wife gets one hour a week of devoted time with the husband? There are only 168 hours in a week. Who gets which hour with him? When does he get time to himself? Time to eat, sleep, work, have a hobby, sit on the john for pete's sake? 168 hours a week means he is maxed out at 168 wives by law but with no time for anything else. But it was mentioned he would end up with maybe 2,000 wives? Man does not live by sex alone! He has to have a break from the enormity and madness life has become. Seriously, even a normal sane man faced with the stress of this scenario would go stark raving mad! - TANSTAAFL

Have you ever read Frank Herbert's White Plague? He was a master of Science Fiction and that story covered something similar - a disease wiped out the majority of women, etc... Looking forward to seeing where you take this. Get your numbers straight.

Page 1

Interesting idea though I really don’t think all of the men would go docile like sheep to their medical prisons

Page 2 early.

If the guy had Vyrus antibodies then he has immunity. He's the MOST valuable.

As to impregnation, they would do it the same way they did it in "A Boy and His Dog".

Page2

Welcome to your new life as cattle.

Live free or die.

Loved it, fantastic story. Looking forward to the next chapter

5/5

I wanted to respond to one of the comments by Schwanze1 about the VY antibodies being present in the male on the transport. The reason antibodies being present in the bloodstream is an indicator of lethal exposure is that the Eye actually enjoys what is referred to as Immune Privilege. If a virus fails to exit the eye's immune privilege area, there will be no antibodies present in the body's lymphatic-exposed areas, like the bloodstream.

If you would like to know more about this fascinating aspect of immunology, please reference the following web pages:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7150101/

https://www.aao.org/eye-health/tips-prevention/eye-immune-privilege

Again, thank you for reading the story and stay tuned for the updated version that has been submitted and is awaiting approval for publishing.

Brilliant parody of government/corporate communications on a global catastrophe. The unneeded details, awkward phrasing, absence of empathy, etc. all convey the tragedy of current events. This timely piece offers amazing promise as it exposes the plight of humanity on the verge of extinction while media offers no insight. Making it a 'loving wives' story is a stroke of genius. It could be framed as an "idiots guide to end stage sex as humanity vanishes from earth". Hanging on every word.....

A real page turner! Long Draw paints an evocative portrait of every man's dream. Keen attention to policy and every emotional nuance brings the reader along a roller coaster ride of erotic thrills and spills. Dialogue flies off the page. Images of loss and redemption ricochet with dazzling clarity. The attentive reader will be challenged to keep up with the philosophic examination of the noble heights of altruism shown by the hero. But is not that the hallmark of loving wife stories? Yes, you'll upchuck with delight, jerk tears and sit on the edge of your seat. Can erotica get better than this?

Love how the author can come up with so much ideas and open minded to everyone’s eyes to reality. It’s amazing how somebody can just have so many ideas and so much creativity to just start typing up a book. Wish you luck and I love the most chapters to come out. Any negative comments ,I don’t think they’re negative but they still have the urge to read your book and giving your reviews. Keep up the hard work in the good work .love how open and create up your ideas are.

An interesting start to a story about a virus killing all the males. It will be interesting to see where the author takes the story next.

Sounds like a good start

to a great story. Thank you.

Tried to get beyond the 2nd page, but couldn't do it.

Antibiotics have no effect on viruses period. I'm guess you meant that the virus was resistant to anti-virals.

Your male population seemed to be all over the place. The laws you enacted were stupid and wouldn't have been sustainable. For the population to survive the males would have to either have sex or be drained for later IVF every day for the rest of their lives. Relationships and sex for procreation would be too inefficient with such a low male population.

Frankly, you reduced the male population numbers by such a huge percentage that it's doubtful re-population would have been possible to begin with. Not when you have to take into account everything else.

I know it's fiction, but there was simply too much that was incongruous for me to enjoy it.

I think you had a good idea but very poor execution.

Yeah, Not a Viking is right, honestly. Fantasy has its breaking point and the author finds it pretty quickly. And his editors failed him by not reigning in his tendency to prolixity. Really, half the words would have made twice as good a story.

Thanks for the feedback Anonymous. Yeah, sometimes I get like that. Thanks for the read and review!

Laborious. A good core idea, but massively over-wordy. I found it un-entertaining in the end.