Wages of Sin

"It happened at the conference last week. A woman from another region. She was willing. I was willing. It just happened. I make no excuses or rationalizations. I took you and our life together for granted just like Pastor Phil said. When I think on it, I cannot believe I was so greedy and so stupid. I wanted more. I thought I needed more. Now I know that what I need is to beg your forgiveness and allow me to show you in every way possible that I do not take you or our marriage for granted. If you will grant my wish, I will be the best husband and father like I should have been all along. Please, please keep me in your life. I think I would die without you and the kids. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness. Whatever you decide we should do, I will agree to." Bryan started to sob heavily.

Dawn sat still for quite some time. "It was just one time?"

"Yes."

"Do you love her?"

"No, it was intense lust though."

"Did you enjoy it?"

"I was hoping you wouldn't ask that but I have to be honest. It was great sex. I'm not sure what made the difference between that and the sex we have had but it was good."

"I'm not sure what to say. This is so surprising."

Bryan offered, "Why don't I leave for a few hours and let you think about it? We can talk again or if you tell me where you want to go from here, I'll do whatever you say. Oh, you said you wanted to talk to me about something."

"Well you kind of blew what I wanted to talk about out of the water. Actually, how about I leave to see if I can get my head wrapped around what you've just told me. I should be back in a couple of hours just before we need to pick up the kids."

Dawn got into her car and drove to the place she felt most comfortable, the parking lot at the school where she taught. The parking lot was empty. She pulled into her usual faculty slot by habit, turned off the car, and started crying. In about thirty minutes she knew what she had to do. Dawn called the one person she had to. "Hello, it's your dime." The jovial voice on the other line was fellow teacher Darrell.

"Hello, Darrell this is Dawn. Can you talk?"

"Yeah, I'm outside grilling. You sound upset. What's the matter?"

"We . . .we can't see each other anymore."

"Did your husband find out?"

"No, actually it's almost the opposite. He just told me he has had an affair."

Darrell paused then said, "That sounds like good news to me. You guys can have an open marriage and we can continue to see each other."

"NO. I'm sorry to sound harsh. It was weird. I was about to confess to him. The same things he said about why he had the affair and the same reasons he gave for us to stay together were the same things I was going to tell him. I need my marriage. I just wanted the sex with you. I have to get back to where I need and want my husband and no one else."

"Are you going to tell him about us?"

"No, at least not yet. He is too fragile right now. I'm afraid of what might happen if I hit him with my infidelity. I'll just have to live with the guilt for the time being."

Darrell persisted, "If you're not going to tell him, I don't see why we can't continue with our motel visits. You know how much you love it when you ride me reverse cowgirl."

Dawn realized for the first time that it really had only been about sex for Darrell. She needed to shut the door on his pursuit. "I said I haven't told him yet. I'm also afraid if I tell him he will think that we need to tell your wife too since she would be the only one who didn't know and it would not be fair to her."

"No, no don't tell Martha. She'd have me neutered in my sleep. You're right. This is a good time to end it. Good luck. Got to run. The burgers are done. Bye."

"And now to prepare my speech to Bryan. I'll agree to give him another chance and use the opportunity to return to being the wife I should have been in the first place. I may have gotten lucky, but I better not press my luck. Damn, that was one heck of a sermon."

Dawn went home to a husband that had obviously been crying and was very depressed. She said she could forgive a one-time slip and wanted to stay married. Dawn added that the kids needed two parents, a husband and wife who were 'married' and just not living in the same house. His reaction surprised and pleased her. Bryan thanked her profusely and promised undying, faithful love. It nearly killed her to see his tears and hear his vow.

Later in bed, Dawn felt guilt well beyond what she had felt before. She debated in her head whether or not to tell him about her affair which, in her mind, was worst since it had been going on for almost a year. Her need for resolution led her to talk to Pastor Phil whose sermon had brought her husband's fling to light.

Dawn had made an appointment the next day for her lunch hour. Pastor Phil welcomed her into his office and agreed to shut the door as she had requested. Dawn did not waste any time. "Pastor Phil, I have sinned. I have been unfaithful to my husband." The tears she had been holding back came flooding out of her eyes.

After handing her the box of tissues from his desk, Phil asked, "Does your husband know?"

"No. That's the issue I need guidance on. Should I tell him? Your sermon Sunday convinced me to tell him even if he would want to divorce me. Just before I was going to tell me, he admitted to an affair himself. He showed so much remorse and was hurting so bad, I just couldn't hurt him anymore. I have ended the affair, but I can't get over the guilty feeling. I have kept my secret for so long, I think it would be best to keep going as is. So far, it has not effected my marriage, so . . "

Pastor Phil interjected, "I can't believe it has not effected your marriage. Have you ever thought about your lover when you weren't with him? Have you ever compared the lovemaking ability of your husband as opposed to your lover?" Seeing the look of discovery in her eyes, Phil continued. "In my opinion, affairs always effect marriages. Yes, many people are able to stay married without ever confessing. But I think they fool themselves that not telling really doesn't affect their spousal relationship."

"You, you think I should tell him then?"

"You have to be the one to decide that. Try this, just imagine what you think your life would be like in five years if you do not tell him. Would you have the quality marriage you want if you are continuing to hide your secret from him? What do you think would happen if he found out before you told him?"

That last question really hit Dawn hard. She asked herself, "In the long run, which would hurt him the most?" Dawn concluded that she had to be honest and take the consequences. It was not fair for him to ask her for forgiveness when it was she who had done far worse than him.

The next time she was going to be alone with her husband for a while, Dawn approached Bryan. She started sobbing and blurted out, "We need to talk. I have done something horrible." Her confession, however, did not make things right or make either of them feel better. Actually, it was the opposite. Both felt worse. The old adage of two wrongs don't make a right proved true. They agreed to go to Pastor Phil for counseling.

It took almost a year of regular sessions with their minister before both felt they could trust each other enough to combine it with the love they never lost. A new marriage of sorts took place and it looked promising.

Pastor Phil mused in his office after Bryan and Dawn left their last session. "That makes seven couples that have come for counseling after my Communion sermon a year ago. I wish I knew what I did that was so special to influence the congregation so much." He grinned and thought, "If I do figure out what was so special, I need to use it for a sermon on Tithing."