Waiting

It's midnight. Lila steps out through the front door of the small apartment lobby just in time to see her bus pulling away from the nearby stop. The next one will be quite some time, but there's no way she's going back inside. Instead, she descends the few front steps, crosses the silent street, and approaches the bus shelter in which she'll sort through her thoughts and wait. The only sound to be heard is that of her sneakers brushing over loose gravel on old, cracked pavement.

It's a cool, humid summer night in her small town. The large glass panes that make up each wall of the small shelter are foggy with condensation and dust. A simple bench with two seats is installed against the back wall, and above one seat, on the glass, is someone's silhouette. There's no one there--not anymore. But their presence, or that of many people over time, has created a vague imprint in the foggy glass.

As Lila steps into the shelter and sits in the corner next to it, she imagines the silhouette belongs to a friendly spirit; it, too, is waiting for the bus. Lila sinks down into her large, black hoodie, and reflects out loud.

"Life's rough, eh?" she mutters.

A moment passes.

"I mean, first they smile at you, compliment you, then invite you over. And then again and again for weeks."

Lila kicks some gravel. It plinks off the glass wall in front of her.

"And the whole time I'm thinking: Shit, this girl really likes me!"

She scoffs.

"Finally, I work up the nerve to make a move. She invites me over, we share stories of past crushes and flings... And she wasn't even weirded out by mine. It all fits! She must be working toward the same goal. She's inching closer to touch, to make out, maybe more!"

"She says it's been so nice talking, that it's been so long since she's connected with someone like this. Then she blushes, and lowers her eyes, you know? But, like, at me."

"So, I go for it. I lean in with purpose, with confidence--I know I'm right! I can feel it! Our lips touch, then press together, and I swear to God she kisses me back. She's wide open. But just for a second."

"Then she's leaning back. Far away. My eyes open and she's scared, even disgusted. She tells me I have to leave. She says we shouldn't hang out anymore."

"What is that? It's so stupid!"

Lila kicks more gravel, then sits in silence as her eyes well up. She sniffles. A tear rolls down her cheek. Another moment passes.

Then there's a voice.

"I'm sorry that happened to you."

Lila straightens up immediately. With wide eyes, she looks through the clouded glass into the dark street, but it's difficult to see.

"Who's there?" she calls, with a tremble in her voice. She uses her sleeve to quickly wipe away the tears in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to scare you. I...I didn't think you'd hear me."

Lila does hear the quiet voice, and clearly, too, but can't quite determine where it's coming from. It feels close, but not in any particular direction.

"Who are you? Where...are you?" she asks, still searching.

"I'm Kieran. I live nearby on Balsam Street."

Lila notes the calm sincerity in his voice. Some of the urgency fades away.

"Well, I used to," he continues.

"Okay, but where are you? You're scaring me."

"Please don't be scared," Kieran pleads.

Lila stands and tries to make sense of the moment. She makes a hesitant tour around the shelter, taking a thorough look. It's all open space in the immediate surrounding, and she can see everything under the streetlights, but nobody's there. She steps back into the shelter and, turning back to the two-seat bench, stares at the silhouette in the condensation on the glass behind it.

"I really am sorry about what happened with that girl," Kieran says.

Goosebumps appear on Lila's arms and neck. Her stomach feels like it's falling through her body.

"How...how are you here?" she asks, frozen in place.

"I don't know," he replies. "But I'd like you to stay for a while. If that's okay."

Several seconds pass before she's able to speak.

"Um...sure."

Lila robotically places her hands in the pockets of her oversized hoodie and slowly sits back down in the corner next to Kieran. She stares at the concrete. Neither of them speaks.

A car rolls by; it sounds unbearably loud. The tires crinkle and bump along the loose asphalt of the old road, and the foggy glass panes of the shelter glow brightly as the headlights pass over it. Once the car crosses them, the shelter glows red from its rear lights, then gradually returns to a dim grey. Eventually, silence.

"Please say something," Lila begs, her hands trembling. "Believe it or not, this is actually less scary when I can hear you."

"Right, yeah. Um..." Kieran starts, unsteady.

"Wait, you said you lived on Balsam, right?" she asks, grasping at something normal.

"Yeah, with the giant maple tree out front," Kieran says, with pride. "My parents are still there."

"So then...why are you out here?" she asks, too overwhelmed for tact.

"They're still sad," Kieran responds, genuinely and unphased. "It's hard to see them like that."

"Did, um..." Lila shivers. "Did you die here?"

"I did, yeah. It's okay. I was waiting for the bus. My friend Hari was having a party since his parents were away for a few days. I was jealous--my parents never leave town."

"Heh, same," Lila says, awkwardly.

"And I was excited because I was finally going to see Katrina off campus. We had physics together, but we definitely had chemistry, too."

Lila slowly raises her head and stares off in disbelief with unfocused eyes.

"Just laugh," Kieran says, playfully. He sounds a little embarrassed, too.

Lila snorts softly and her shoulders begin to relax.

"I thought we could be something together, so I planned to tell her how I felt at Hari's. I'd be cool and suave at this big, exciting house party that my friend was throwing, and she'd be so impressed and get caught up in all the fun and openness. I'd tell her she was beautiful and that I wanted her."

A gentle smile forms on Lila's face.

"I remember sitting right here, so sure that in just a short time we'd go find a dark, quiet corner and make out for hours. Hari and the boys would wonder where I'd gone, and maybe even try to find me. But Katrina and I would be hiding cozily in a closet, or out back in the bushes, under the stars."

"That sounds really nice, Kieran."

"Yeah."

Silence returns to the shelter. Another car crosses them, then disappears into the night.

"I bet she wanted you too, Kieran," Lila continues, picking at her cuticles. "You seem like fun."

"Thanks. And that girl up there made a big mistake, um..."

"Lila--oh my gosh, sorry. My name is Lila."

"That's a nice name."

Lila tugs at a loose thread on her worn blue jeans. It's hard to know where to look or what to focus on.

"So, what's it like?" Lila asks, breaking the silence again.

"Uh, pretty much what you'd expect, I think."

"Is it hard? Like...are you unhappy?"

"To be honest, that longing is one of the only things I can think about." Kieran lowers his voice. "It's kind of embarrassing. I don't..."

"No, tell me more. Please?"

"It's just...that feeling of wanting. It's still as strong as that night before the party. She's moved on now, living her life, but I still crave that closeness, that intimacy that I was so sure that we'd share. Back then it was exciting. Now it's more hopeless. Heartbreaking."

"But you sounded so full of life just a minute ago. You even had me feeling excited! Your energy is contagious, Kieran." Lila smiles warmly at the glass ahead. "I was even forgetting about my..." She points a thumb over her shoulder. "Whatever that was back there."

"Thanks, Lila. It's been a long time since anyone's even talked to me."

"Other people can't hear you?"

"Not really, no. Maybe it helps that it's so quiet at this time of night. But I don't really know how this works."

"Maybe it's fate," Lila says, casually.

"Heh, yeah...maybe."

Lila blushes, realizing the weight of such a word in his context.

"I want to ask you something, but maybe it's inappropriate," Kieran says.

"Well, this conversation got deep really fast, so...it's probably fine?" Lila laughs nervously, looking over at the empty seat next to her.

"Okay, well, um. Have you ever...slept with a girl before?"

"Wow!" Lila exclaims with wide eyes, her feigned offence betrayed by a smirk.

"Oh my God. Okay, I'm sorry! Just forget it."

Kieran struggles to think of something to say to put an end to his embarrassment.

"Not yet," Lila finally responds, fingering a small hole in her worn jeans.

"...But I gave a blowjob once," she admits, biting her lip to reign in a mischievous smile.

"Nice," Kieran says, with an exaggerated, skeevy tone.

"You better not be winking at me right now," Lila warns, playfully.

"Finger guns, actually."

They laugh.

"Wait...can you see through my clothes or something?" Lila asks, trying to stay on the amusing topic.

"What? No," Kieran says, a little defensively.

"I mean, we've established that you're a pervert, so... Just wanted to make sure that I still had my privacy." Lila sticks out her tongue for a second and watches a moth flutter and dance under the streetlight.

"And how do I know you're not, like, phasing through my clothes or something, hm?" she continues.

"You'd feel it."

"What?"

"You'd feel it," Kieran says again with certainty. "Look. Put your hand up."

Lila obliges immediately, curiously, holding her hand up in front of her.

"High five."

Lila feels a cool aura swiftly approach, then pass through her open hand. As it does, she feels a slight pressure and a tingle in her flesh.

"See? It's cold, right?"

"Yeah, but like...more than that. Like my skin and muscles had to shift a little to share space with yours."

"Huh. I've never gotten that kind of feedback before. Usually, they just shiver and tighten up their scarves or whatever."

"So, obviously I can't see it, but like...you have a body," Lila realizes.

"Yeah. I mean...I still feel it. I still see it when I look down."

"Do you ever feel--I don't know--hungry?"

"No, I ate before the party," Kieran says with a chuckle. "All those feelings I had kinda froze inside me."

"Oh, like you said. The longing," Lila recalls. "The wanting for closeness."

"Yeah..."

"Well, if it's any consolation," Lila looks down at her feet, "I feel pretty close to you right now."

"Yeah... it's nice."

Lila smiles wide and tries to stifle a giggle.

"What?" Kieran says, confused.

"So does that mean you're, like, permanently horny?"

"Wha--shut up!"

Lila's shoulders quake as she giggles openly. She can hear the embarrassment in his voice again.

"Don't worry. It's not like I can see your unstoppable boner or anything."

"It's not like that!" Kieran pauses. "But you wish you could," he jabs back, trying to recover.

Lila stops giggling suddenly, her face neutral. She rubs her nose with her sleeve.

"Can you touch my hand again?" Lila pulls up her sleeve to her small wrist, revealing the thin fingers of her right hand. She rests it on her right thigh, closest to Kieran, palm down.

"Oh, uh...sure." Kieran reaches over with his left hand and lays it over the back of Lila's.

She focuses on the light coldness, the faint pressure of his invisible touch. His aura cools her hand. She then turns it over to feel the slight cold in her palm and over the sensitive skin of her inner wrist. The soft little hairs on her neck stand on end.

"Usually people just bristle. I stopped trying to make contact."

"No, it's kind of nice. Especially knowing what it really is," she says, staring at the lines in her palm. "I guess I know a bit about what it's like to have people reject my touch, too."

Lila turns her head to the right, decidedly. She tries to focus on a point in the near distance, where she guesses Kieran's face is looking back.

"Let's kiss."

"What?" Kieran pulls his hand back. "But I--"

"Aren't you curious? Let's just try it."

Lila leans forward, closes her eyes, and licks her lips. She waits.

In a moment, the air in front of her face changes temperature, and the tip of her nose gets cold. The thin coat of saliva on her lips feels icy. There's a vague pressure, and a tingle on her lips like minty chap stick. Then it's gone.

"Um...how was--"

"That was really cool," Lila says softly, her mouth gently agape as she opens her eyes.

"Can I try to touch you?" she asks.

"Uh...sure."

Lila reaches out in his direction, aiming for his chest. She concentrates, moving her hand forward slowly as she waits to meet his aura, then the subtle feeling of contact. When she finds it, she spreads her fingers and lays her hand flat against him.

"How does it feel to you?"

"A little warm."

"It's your chest, right?"

"Yeah."

Carefully following the cold boundary of Kieran's immaterial body, Lila runs her hand up over his shoulder, up the side of his neck, and to his cheek. As best she can, she caresses his face and imagines the eyes into which she gazes, fascination and affection unselfconsciously written in her own.

"They're brown," Kieran offers, softly. "In case you were wondering."

"Actually," she begins, after a moment of heavy silence, "I was wondering how you were holding up with that unstoppable boner."

She cackles. Kieran doesn't speak.

Hearing the echo of her laughter returning from the walls of nearby structures, including that girl's apartment, she's suddenly self-conscious. Is she still awake? Did she hear her?

"It's...challenging," Kieran admits, suggestively.

"Yeah, it must be hard, eh?" Lila teases as she pulls back and crosses her arms. The girl and the apartment are already fading to the back of her mind again.

"Pull it out." Lila glances down and flicks her chin at his seat.

"Excuse me? In the middle of the street?"

Lila furrows her brow and shrugs theatrically.

"That doesn't mean I should do it!" Kieran counters.

"Come on, you said it yourself. You're basically forever horny. Are you telling me you've never, you know, taken care of business?"

"This isn't something I usually talk to girls about." Kieran chuckles nervously.

"Here, just follow my instructions. It'll be fun."

"Pull it out of your--do you even have pants?"

"Yes."

"Okay, pull your dick out."

"Now stroke it a little," she continues. "But just a little! And slowly. Are you doing it?"

"Yes," Kieran replies, shyly.

"How does it feel?"

"Uh...this feels weird, to be honest."

"Oh, um...do you want to stop?"

"...No," he replies, after some thought.

Lila rubs her nose with the sleeve of her hoodie again and sniffles.

"Here, maybe this'll make you more comfortable," she says, matter-of-factly.

Leaning her back against the side wall of the glass shelter, Lila turns her body to face Kieran's seat and puts her feet up on the small divider between them. She sits scrunched into the corner in a sort of foetal position with her knees up, but parted so Kieran can still see her face.

"There, is that better?" she asks, still adjusting.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm touching myself, you dope."

She wiggles her right hand under the waist of her jeans and lays it over her vulva, above her snug boy shorts.

"Keep stroking. But slow, remember?" Lila instructs.

"Right, yeah," Kieran obliges.

As she stares into the whiteish fog on the pane of glass opposite her, Lila imagines the boy she masturbates with.

"What colour is your hair?" she asks, fingertips gently grazing her labia.

"Reddish blonde."

"Cute."

She increases the pressure on herself slightly, feeling the way her lips push into each other.

"You better be following my instructions," Lila warns.

"I am."

"Great. Now stroke a little deeper. Just a bit. How does it feel?"

"It feels good, Lila."

At the sound of her name, Lila's nervous system sparks. She picks up on the arousal in the huskiness, the low depth of his voice.

"I like when you say my name like that, Kieran... Are you wet?"

"Heh, yeah. Are you?"

"Getting there," she admits, massaging her labia with lazy, circular motions. Their pressing together gradually becoming a sliding.

"What are you looking at right now?" she asks.

"You, Lila."

She sticks her tongue out at him.

"Don't stop," she says, sincerely.

"I won't."

They sit in silence for a short while, gently masturbating in tandem. Lila leans her hooded head against the glass next to her and contemplates the surrealness of the moment.

"Oh! I have an idea." She pulls her head from the glass and holds her left index finger out between them. "Touch it."

"Okay?"

"With your other hand! I told you not to stop," she says, assuming.

"Right, heh...of course."

Kieran's cool touch meets Lila's.

"Okay, now follow me."

Lila pulls her hand back toward her, slowly enough that he can follow it closely, and finally arrives to point at a spot on her chest. Her eyes close and her lips part as the cold of Kieran's vague touch passes through her hoodie and chills her nipple. It springs to attention, and Lila lets out a subtle moan.

"Now play with it," she commands, quietly.

Lila's hard nipple tingles. She has the slightest sense that it's being brushed back and forth, pinched, and tugged. She slips her hand into her underwear.

"You like that," Kieran notes in a low voice.

"You better still be jerking off at a modest but sensual pace--I swear to God," Lila growls with playful aggression, lightly massaging the hood of her clit between her middle and ring fingers.

"What kind of music do you like?" she asks.

"I liked to make electronic ambient tracks on my laptop. Hari joked that I just listened to whale sounds. But I also played bass.

"Deep and ethereal, eh?" Lila smirks.

"Okay, stop stroking and just grip the base," she instructs. "With your other hand, lightly run your fingertip up and down along the underside of your dick."

"Mhm."

"Make sure you go right up the tip, nice and smooth," she adds. "Am I doing okay? It's been a while since I've been with a guy."

"You're giving me shivers," he sighs, with pleasure.

Lila basks in his feedback, pinching her clit a little tighter as she strokes it between her fingers.

"You'll do as I say, right?" Lila asks.

"Always."

"Stop touching yourself. Put your hands on your knees."

With her hand still down the front of her boy shorts, Lila glances around the shelter at the fog on the glass that surrounds them, gauging their visibility to others from outside. Reassured, she uses her free hand to grip the bottom of the front of her hoodie and seductively raises it up to reveal her tummy, then one of her small, pointed breasts. Her nipple, still jutting tightly from her chest, senses the clammy cold of the midnight air.

"What do you think?" she asks.

"Oh, it's..." Kieran begins, clearly in awe.

"Don't you dare fucking touch yourself."

Securing the waist of her hoodie under her armpit, Lila squeezes and massages her breast freely, on display. She closes her eyes and lets her warm lips part as she savours the sensation. Her clit is hard, and she strokes it more vigorously. She lets slip a long, quiet moan, knowing it'll make things that much harder for Kieran.

"Can I--" Kieran starts.

"Not yet. Mm, are you still hard?"

"Very."

"Good," she says, opening her eyes and looking serious. "When I count down to one, I want you to jerk it fast."

"Okay," he whispers, unsteadily, hoping she doesn't start too high.

"Five." Lila rolls her nipple between her fingers.

"Four." She licks her lips.

"Three." Kieran groans, impatiently.

"Two." Lila lays her head back against the glass and closes her eyes.

"One!"

Lila can hear Kieran's quiet, guttural vocalizations as he masturbates furiously. She herself huffs with the ferocity of her self-pleasure. As her orgasm comes into view, she has a sudden thought.