Waiting in Limbo

The fluorescent lights flickered and whined overhead. I should have felt more nervous than I did; everything in me screamed that my present life was about to end, one way or another. But it already had, and no matter what happened in the next however long, seconds or minutes or hours, knowing would be better than not knowing. That's what I told myself. That's what I clung to.

Waiting rooms are liminal spaces, holding pens for those whose lives are about to change. In the limbo between two quantum states, the one before and the one after, the waiting room is the buffer. Is it allergies or a cold? Is it benign or malignant?

Is it my child or his?

I looked across at Trevor, as distant from me in the waiting room as he could be. Not long before, I would have expected him to be waiting out here by himself, pacing nervously, ready with cigars for me and flowers for Julia.

We'd been friends since high school, inseparable as the three new kids that all came in on the first day of our sophomore year. We went to college together. He was the best man at our wedding. And nine months before, while I was away for a couple of days, he and my wife had hung out together, gotten drunk and high, and fucked.

I didn't suspect at first; we all had our own things going on, and Trevor not coming over to hang out for a couple of weeks wasn't that surprising. He was trying to get established in business, and Julia and I still acted like newlyweds, so he'd given us a little space lately anyways.

I'd like to give her credit for telling me as quickly as she did, but I can't. Julia claimed it had only happened once, and one time at that. No all night fuckfests, just a quick, passion-filled tryst, followed by tears and guilt as they realized what they'd done. She was remorseful, she claimed, but wanted to live with the guilt rather than hurt me.

If it hadn't been for the pregnancy, they would have taken it to their graves. Maybe they would have still tried, if there was any chance of passing his child off as mine. But the simple fact is that I'm white, and Trevor is Black. They could have waited to see, but they both knew that if I greeted "my" child and it clearly was not, that would be the end of my marriage. Julia was taking the chance that by getting out in front of it she could soften the blow, just in case. That maybe she could save her marriage and keep her child, regardless of who the father turned out to be.

The flying fists and black eyes had taken place months ago, but Trevor still gave me a wide berth. To his credit, he only defended himself by keeping his arms up, never trying to hit back. To my credit, I stopped hitting him once he was down.

I allowed his presence here because Julia had been only half-right: she could save our marriage if she carried my child, but not his. I could try to forgive her drunken mistake, a one-off that she took steps to prevent happening again. But I wouldn't raise another man's child, especially one that so clearly wasn't mine. He was here because Julia's mother, Maria, insisted that she would need the support if I walked out; I allowed it because I knew that's exactly what would happen if things happened as I feared they might.

Maria acted as my proxy in the delivery room. We all agreed that it would be better that way. I'm a relatively even-keeled man, but I'd beaten the living shit out of my best friend when I found out he'd slept with my wife. Even I had no idea how I'd react if Julia's child looked like him. Would I scream? Faint? Curse and walk out? No way to know. So the two potential fathers sat and waited. He looked at me with guilt and sorrow and pain. I fixed him with a dead stare.

When Maria walked out, her face told me everything I needed to know. Our future had been set since that night nine months before. Her tone was sympathetic but pleading as I stood; she had to try for Julia's sake. I hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, and walked out without a word.

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This story was originally the opening for Longings From the Past, before I changed the structure to reveal Luisa's background later. I found it while working on some other stuff and decided to turn it into a 750 word prequel. Thank you all for your support, and I hope you enjoy it!