All Comments on 'Walking into Trouble Pt. 01'

*****Interesting opening looking forward to future chapters. Thanks for sharing.

Yeah you got me interested, keep it coming.

Could read. Might have a tail here.

LOVE slap-hapy-papy #9

good start. Could go many ways I see

Interesting but sometimes a littie confusing. What is it about Amy and Jess?

You need an editor/proofreader to help you out. This is a confusing mess.

Good beginning!

5

You're not doing yourself any favors here...

There are a lot of little issues in the story that don't make sense. Why does he not have his own key to the apartment where he lives? Even if she drives him to and from work every day, it's simply not realistic that he would never need to let himself into the apartment. Then, having finally received his own set of keys, he drops them in the mailbox for her? WTF?

So, you really need to engage with an editor to smooth out your story. They can help with issues like this as well as improving your grammar and general story flow.

Then, you need to learn is to use tags. At least in the second chapter you tried, but they don't really give a potential reader much to go on.

You basically have four things to convince a potential reader to read your story. They are all important, but which is the most important depends on how the potential reader is looking for stories to read. If they are doing a tag search, this story will never be found. If they are browsing by category, the odds are that non-erotic isn't one they are browsing. At least your title is a bit intriguing for those, like me, simply checking out the new stories list. The fourth element is the descriptive blurb you used to describe your story. The one for this story wasn't bad, but really didn't give me much to go on either. Adding it all together, I figured it was worth a try but not high on my list, so it's been sitting quietly in a tab for days waiting for a light day (like today) when I don't find enough stuff that really jumps out at me to read.

Now, back to my impression upon reading it...

Well, first of all, the longer the story went, the less I actually read. By the end, I was speed skimming, which is better than the ones that I just jump to the end, but worse than those I skim carefully in hopes of it improving. I'll probably skim the next chapter since I see it's already posted but, unless it shows a marked improvement, it will probably be the last chapter I look at.

Confused and confusing. Nice try, but either get a good editor or at least let it sit for 3 or 4 days and then go back and re-read it.

I was quite happy to sit and let this adventure story wash-over and absorb me, but that hope was quickly dashed! The constant convulsions in the tale, gaps, leaps, jumps, glitches that, even making full allowance for any E2L handicap the writer may have, made trying to follow even the gist of it damned hard work!

The incessant appalling spelling, syntax, grammar, stubborn dogged and determined exclusive use of regional, local and oft even parochial vernacular, only served to redirect my total attention and concentration into translating into plain English, and decoding just what-on-Earth the Author was so desperately trying (and failing) to say to his audience. This being such an arduous and intricate task, I kept losing the plot, obliging me to keep re-reading many sections, over and over again.

Bloody hard going!

..and for what?

As it is, it reads more like the rambling rants of a pubescent sociopath rather than the carefully thought-out and well-crafted masterpiece-in-the-making that it just might have become, with just enough self-belief to stop, and think things through! Stop, put it down, sleep on it, have a night-out, get drunk, get hung-over, get sober, write something TOTALLY different, THEN come back to it!

Please!

I really think that there may just be a great story in there, somewhere, but it is too well buried! Get some help!

Enjoying the start, and can see how your inspiration of “Threads: The Island” comes to play here. Given that it’s well over ten years, im looking forward to seeing how you take the story to the next level. Yes there are issues with this story, but it’s a start and you can only get better from here. Keep it up.

Just bad writing.