All Comments on 'Warrior: The Beginning'

I'll give you feedback. Your editing is piss poor, your storyline is choppy, and I stopped reading after the 12th paragraph or so because your dialogue was making my teeth hurt! Choppy dialogue sucks. Maybe it was your intention to make this sound like (in both dialogue AND narrative) "Og make fire! Og smile at fire. Heat feel good." If so, then I'm sorry I couldn't get past it and I stopped reading. If you want more pointers, feel free to email me.

John (WK)

Not sure if it was an experiment in style or not, but the dialogue needed work. A lot of work. Also- not sure if the detailed smithing scene was needed. It didn't add anything to the story really and read more like technical piece.

I had to stop reading the story because the English is quite frankly unreadable.

From what little I've read the story itself might be promising, but due to the faulty editing/grammar it's not worth deciphering.

So let's see, first guy, do you not read your own stories because there is better dialogue in this one. I know there are some typoes or wrong words in there, missed them and doesn't really hurt to have a couple wrong words. One I don't know what happened I could have sworn it was the right word.

Second guy, more or less the same observation, I see worse dialogue reading most of the other stories on this site and nobody says a word about it. Also find myself wondering if you and guy number three only read stereo manuals.

No offense to all three, but this isn't feedback, this is little Timmy running to mommy to complain because Susy took his truck. Although number two you are perhaps correct on the smithing part, but then we are talking about a smith. Of course there will be sections on smithing because it is what she thinks about while smithing.

Is it just me or is common logic not common?

There is a saying that goes like this: If it walks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck. I don't mean to hurt your feelings but the narration was poor, the grammar bad and the dialogue didn't seem to fit or add to the story. There was nothing in the way of intrigue, nothing to draw the reader in and hold them to the story. I was in no way compelled to follow this character on her journey against the pressures of the stringent societal norms she was facing.

In the first few paragraphs you attempt to lay out the ground work of her wanting to become a Warrior, but give us nothing in the way of understanding her drive and determination to struggle against convention in becoming a Warrior

"the tenfada all assume that all we wish to do is spread our legs and produce babies. Which is not quite correct, we are allowed to do things until we come of age."

"It is not the trade that I wish to do, just the one Papa does. I wish to be a warrior, some of them have taught me some of it."

You've missed a critical moment in developing this character. Who taught her? How did they teach her? When did they teach her? The answers to these questions could have assisted the reader in bonding with the characters struggle, not to mention drive the erotic nature of a story on an erotic literature site. What better way to get a sense of her size, shape, dexterity, gracefulness etc...

As an outline to a potential story there is some promise here. You need to rework this and elaborate and develop the depth of the characters. Until then this is a duck and not a swan.

Sorry.

has heavy armour enough that she can take some bashing with a smile :))

She tells of her journey in her own language and joining her we learn about these strange people - under the mountain and in the world outside.

I've read on this same site other stories that seemed to me - excuse my french - far more _indigentes_, poorly inspired and written, than this one.

I hope to read more of budara braveheart's adventures, spreading her wings - and her legs.

Thank you syd, honestly I thought nobody did actual feedback anymore. Course while I know what you mean I didn't want to just hand it all out right away this time. I'll do that again but what you want is a personal preference on it. Totally understand you not reading anymore of this one since I have stopped reading professional novels for doing the same thing.

All a matter of if you're up to waiting for the back story to come in fuller if at all. I honestly am not real sure how much backstory I will do moving forward since it's about the current not previous stuff.

Frenchy you made me giggle so thank you. Honestly braveheart was not the thinking on this. Closer to simply a gal trying to do what she wants while facing the world. Course now that I say that I realize I always do that. Huh, that is a little annoying but then again there really isn't anything else to any of the stories on here besides people doing just that, unless it's just the hot sex strokers.

Not sure how saying the dialogue needing work is the equivalent of running home to mommy, but it was stilted and sounded overly formal and forced. I did send some more detailed feedback via email as well.

I liked your story. It has a very nice plot and that's why I recomend you try to find an editor.

Anyway even if you don't edit it, I will be looking forward for the next chapter. After all this is the place for beginers and amateurs and our expectations should be less profesional.

Thanks for witing and sharing.

Hello :)

You have a voice which is obvious by the amount of submissions you've written! I was like wow! I read someone earlier suggested you find an editor? Well I think it would be easier for you to just play around narratorial style. Most books and written in third person, or first person pov. Point of view. First person, helps to give a sense of action as it's taking place, but third gives it a more omni presence. Kind of like taking something 1D, and making it 3D.

It's really simple to do. Just change your personal pronouns, (I) in to (he/she) and then put into past tense. She went down. This might not be what you're going for, but I think it would help get your ratings up.

Off course ignore this if it's unwelcome.

Good luck. :)

I found this narrative quite difficult to follow. At first I thought the intent was broken English through use of first-person narrative. The best published example I could think of was "Pygmy" (http://www.amazon.com/Pygmy-Chuck-Palahniuk/dp/0307389812); please have a 'look inside' and read to illustrate my point. It's possible that's what you were going for, but your other submissions read the same. Additionally, your comments are written with the same erroneous sentence structure. People here are trying to provide you with feedback, but you shouldn't dismiss them as merely 'haters'. There is a common trait in your public feedback of poor grammar and awkward dialogue that should raise a flag.

Contrary to Biscuit86, I don't believe playing around with narrative style will fix the issues with this piece. First person can be an effective way of conveying emotion

I'm pretty sure there's a good story in here, but it's getting lost in translation. The first three comments were a little harsh, but no less untrue. Your narrative really needs cleaned up. And based on your own responses, I would say this: Be careful comparing the quality of your work to other submissions on this site. Ever heard the expression "In the world of the blind, the one-eyed man is king"? People come here looking for and submitting amateur erotic literature. Like it or not, the voting is a reflection of a story's erotic factor rather than literary marksmanship. When you raise the bar and start comparing your work versus renowned authors, your work will improve.

The way the tenfada and burada talk throws me off but by page 3 it's something you get used to. I like this story, it's a good world you're building up. Good (and creative) idea for making it a decidedly foreign world while also making sense. Loved the agen.