Was I Truly a Monster?

Seven weeks following my surgery, I attended the cardiac clinic for further tests. I don't recommend hospital transport as the fifty-five minutes it should have been I was there took five hours out of my day. It collected another three patients and waited until all were finished. On the bright side, I was with people who didn't know me so actually chatted with me.

I did have a deficit in heart function which was manageable with drugs and exercise. The surgeon expected greater damage to the heart. I praised his skill.

The surgeon thought I had got off lucky. Physically yes, mentally no! I had lost everyone who I had ever cared about due to my own actions. With me being more able I didn't need the carers. I was alone!

As my stamina improved, I started the cardiac rehab course. It's to get you fully mobile and show you there is life after almost dying. It helped improve my health. I had started a better diet as I didn't like the fat I was carrying. I had never noticed the fat piling on but in the last year I never observed a lot of things.

I was beginning to take more notice of life. I could see things requiring done in the house, cleaning, decorating. I tried a few cleaners but my reputation meant no one wanted the job. In the garage I tidied it up, something Pamela had been going on at me to do. It was easier as there were no cars in it. She had taken our car when she left. When I have the all clear to drive, I would need to look for one.

I would also need to look for a job though I was considering going self-employed. My skills were in demand otherwise my boss would have fired me long before he did. It helps that I am bloody good at my job. I did call many of the companies I had worked with to apologise for my behaviour and explain why. Some may be willing to have me back working there.

I was glad one of the carers helped me fill in the universal credit forms. They were a nightmare. After I submitted them, they contacted me and asked me to attend an interview fifty miles away. They were not happy when I explained due to my medical issues, I couldn't attend but they could come to me. They tried to insist until I said I would speak to my MP about this. The money barely justified the amount of work to get it. I had to use savings to pay bills.

Sixteen weeks after my heart attacks, I found myself in court facing Pamela, her family and my parents for our divorce. I had wanted to allow it to go through as she had cited unreasonable behaviour and I couldn't disagree with that. I didn't want to stop the divorce or stop her from getting on with her life.

The only reason we were in court was that she would not speak to me. I just wanted to apologise.

Declan had been getting more annoyed with Pamela's solicitor who refused to allow any meeting, even one with a mediator if they wished. Unknown to me my mother had made a big mistake by blowing up at Declan criticising him for bringing it to court and representing me.

Declan had offered to allow Pamela's solicitor to lead all the evidence of my unreasonable behaviour without the need to them to give evidence but he sensed that the Sheriff may be more disposed to upping the proposed settlement so he refused.

Pamela was first into the witness box. She looked lovely but a bit drawn. She had lost some weight.

I watched her closely as she never looked at me. I had watched the recordings so knew what she was talking about as she recalled how at parties, if I started rubbing my head, I would change from being a normal guy to a monster. I would take any comment and make it sound like a barb so went straight to full on frontal attack. I would destroy a person's looks, demean their penis size, their droopy breasts, their clothing, their holidays, anything new they did; I destroyed with my words. When she tried to stop me, I would list a litany of her faults, from her cooking, her clothes, our frozen bedroom. I always seemed to know the correct words, the correct venom to impact harshly.

Listening to her I was deeply ashamed of myself.

When her solicitor asked about our sex life, I was glad she hadn't recorded them as if she had, I would have killed myself after viewing the first one.

Pamela finally looked at me, an anger and sadness in her eyes, "If we made love when he was fine, we did all the normal things. It was loving, caring. When he started to rub his head, I knew it was going to change. It became brutal. He would hold me down tightly and use my body to get off. There was no finesse just brutally. I would have bruised arms or if he was doing it from behind my shoulders or even neck was bruised. There was no consent for that. It was rape. He seemed able to keep using my body for far longer before he came. Even then he would recover quickly and start again. I couldn't say or do anything to prevent it, he was far larger than he is today. I would be sore for days, my body, my vagina bruised. If he became really angry, he would slap my face, my breasts or spank my bum using his hand or on occasion his belt. Often, I couldn't sit down for hours afterwards. My pleas meant nothing to him. If this happened when we were playing our light bondage game, the gentle teasing, play was thrown aside. He became dominant, ruthlessly mauling my breasts, biting my nipples, often till they bled. He would use the toys not to give me pleasure but pain, making me cum and cum until I was exhausted and in great pain. My pain seemed to make him happy. Other occasions he threatened to sodomise me but thankfully, he never did."

I was crying, the tears just came and came. I was a monster!

After her solicitor had finished, Declan asked several questions. First, he addressed the Sheriff. "Mr Deans accepts all you have been told about him. He admits his behaviour was unreasonable, well beyond any level of acceptability. The reason we are here today is because his wife through her solicitor refused to speak to him so he could explain everything. He understands there will never be any reconciliation but he wished to apologise and explain in full directly to her."

He turned to Pamela, "you said how Mr Deans behaviour impacted badly on your relationship but the worst was that he never accepted responsibility for his actions. He would say his mind was blank. Did you believe him?"

Pamela looked at him like he was stupid, "No! I don't believe him. He knew and enjoyed what he was doing." Her tone showing her anger.

Declan continued, "The last time you saw him, what happened?"

Pamela smiled, "I had dressed like he had always wanted me to as it was his birthday. I was showing far more than I normally do. He came in drunk and accused me of looking to seduce someone else though he didn't use those words, his were much more expressive and insulting. The venom in his voice cut my heart out!

"He staggered into the toilet and threw up for ages. I left him alone."

It was Declan's turn to smile, "Do you think leaving your husband to die as he was having a heart attack was reasonable behaviour or don't you believe him?"

Pamela grimaced, "I don't believe him!"

Declan answered, "If he said his name was Andrew Deans, you wouldn't believe him, would you" as he sat down.

The other witnesses went through painting me like a bastard, which was accurate. Declan didn't bother examining them. He called me to the witness box.

"Mr Deans, how would you describe the year before the final incident with your wife?"

I answered, "It was hell. I was having increasing headaches which were getting worse. Over time I realised I couldn't remember lots of things which happened. I knew I went to work, I did my work but I couldn't remember what I did. I was like an unfeeling autobot. Being unable to recall any details made me question my sanity. I could tell I had done some vile things, my conscience told me that but I couldn't say to whom or what I did.

"As the year went on the headaches became more frequent and more severe. I'm sure I blacked out a few times."

Declan asked, "Were you drunk when you came home on your birthday? Having a few after work with the lads."

I looked at him, "I have no friends left to have a drink with and I never drink and drive. It's too dangerous for me but mostly for others.

"As I was driving back from a job, my head began aching, it just kept building. I knew I couldn't get to my office so drove home. I staggered from the car, my head pounding, my chest in a vice. I could hardly move my legs. I had just kept control of my stomach while in the car. I so wanted to be sick. I was gulping air.

"As I staggered into the house, I saw Pamela. She looked like an angel. She was right, she was dressed as my fantasy woman. Things between us were so bad, I jumped to the conclusion this was to screw me as this was for someone else. I shouted that out and had to stagger as best I could to the toilet where I threw up and threw up. I thought I'd end up inside out.

"When I came out, Pamela was gone. My chest, my back, my jaw all ached. My watch was telling me I had a major problem. I called 999 for an ambulance. The next I knew it was two days later.

"I regained consciousness in the ICU. I had had to be resuscitated in the ambulance enroute to the hospital and again on the operating table. Later I required brain surgery due to the same problem which caused my heart attack, an Arteriovenous Malfunction. I was in hospital for four weeks."

Declan smiled benignly -- not -- at Pamela and my parents, " Did you contact your wife and family to let them know where you were, what had happened? Did they look for you?"

I replied, not sure where this was going, "No to both. I knew I had broken our relationships so didn't pursue that. When I was able, I contacted my mother to apologise but the only word said was "Karma" before the phone was put down."

Declan asked, "you said your memory was blank. In what way, could you describe it?"

I thought, "The only way I can is to say if you've ever filmed something and discovered you forgot the film, you can't see it again. I could tell I had done something as my conscience told me but I didn't know what. It annoyed Pamela and it annoyed me. It annoyed everyone I fell out with."

"What do you think of your wife's description of you?"

I sighed for a moment, "When I was home from hospital, you came to my house to discuss a new will and divorcing Pamela so she would be free of this monster I had become. I still didn't know what I actually did, I just knew it was despicable. You discovered the letter on my pillow. I hadn't been able to get upstairs.

"The letter hurt me, not due to the words she used but how much I had hurt her. She didn't believe me when I said I didn't remember. She had recorded about fifty such episodes. I watched them, noting what I did. I called those involved to apologise. She never recorded our lovemaking but if she had and it was as graphic as she stated, I would have killed myself. How could I do something like that to the one I love. How could I abuse my family and friends in that way? But I did. I believe her version of events."

"When you called me, it was for a new will and to start work on divorcing Pamela. If you love her why?"

"The will was easy. I didn't know then how much damage my heart has sustained. If I died, I wanted to ensure she was cared for. She made my house a home so she should have it.

"The divorce was because all the time in hospital allowed me to think about what her life had been like. I didn't know what I did but I knew I hurt her and our families and friends. I love her but she needed to be able to be free to have a life with someone good which she deserves not a monster like me."

Declan smiled, "Pamela, your family, her family don't believe you were ill. How can you convince them?"

"I wanted a meeting prior to this to explain everything. To apologise, to answer all their questions. I don't expect forgiveness or any reconciliation. I wanted to ensure she knew there was not one molecule of blame attached to her or them. This was all on me. I would have showed them my scars, on my chest, my leg and scalp where they operated. I would show them my medical records, not for sympathy but so they would have closure as well."

"What did you learn about your AVM?"

"The doctors' said it was genetic. The malformed blood vessels had infiltrated my heart and heart arteries. They had to be removed and I ended with a quintuple bypass. They thought my headaches were connected and after a scan confirmed that I had open brain surgery to remove the malformation."

"What was the placement and result of the brain AVM?"

"The AVM was over my brain's reasoning and emotional areas. The pain meant it interfered with my normal boundaries. Basically, I had no self-control so everything, everybody was fair game. I had no constraint. Since its removal I've never suffered any such event. It also stopped the brain from recording what I did so I had no memory of it. I can recall everything now.

"I'm still recovering and will be for a few more months at least. I am about to commence counselling to help me deal with my own thoughts about it."

Declan smiled at my mum as he asked the next couple of questions.

"You said the doctors' said it was genetic. What else did you learn about the cause?"

My answer was out before I understood what I said, "The doctor asked if there were heart problems in the family as if I had siblings, they would need tested. I said my dad walked everywhere without getting out of breath and my mum was seldom ill. She asked about my dad's blood group and I told her. She said, he's not your biological father. My blood group is incompatible with him being my father."

My dad stood up, looked at me and Declan and then my mum. She was blushing and crying. He stormed out.

Declan asked me if I wanted to say anything else.

I looked at Pamela. "Pamela, I didn't want today. I wanted to speak directly with you to explain, apologise to you for everything I did which hurt you. I will love you until I die but you deserve your freedom to find someone who will be kind, loving and want the best for you. Someone you will be happy having children with, who will be the father you want for them. I don't want alimony or any of the money we had. You need it to help you have a new start."

Her solicitor didn't ask me any questions. He and Declan made their final submissions. The Sheriff granted the divorce. He didn't award any alimony for me but he divided our savings.

After the judgement we made our way outside. I looked at Pamela but she was deliberately staring away from me. I had a heavy heart but I knew there was never any chance of any forgiveness. I hoped she would find happiness. She deserved that.

My mother was left standing alone. Dad had left in the car. What was it she had said, "yeah -- Karma's a bitch isn't it!"

Declan gave me a lift home. I was physically getting better but lacked any true stamina. I was able to walk to the gym and do a controlled workout. I had to be fit to get back to work as it could be physical at times. I spent the time at home alone investigating setting up in business for myself. I made an appointment with a Gateway advisor to see what I would need.

I had a surprise when in the mail came a cheque from Declan. He had threatened to sue my former employer for wrongful dismissal (I don't think we had an earthly given the way I behaved but) and the illegal bugging of my car. The five-figure sum would help me set up my business.

I had further tests and the good news was that there was no recurrence of the AVM at either site. My neurological tests showed I was fit to drive if I wished. I had to wait for DVLA to confirm they approved before I could.

I decided to celebrate as I hadn't been out since my heart attack. I booked a table at a nearby restaurant so I could walk both ways. The meal was good but being by myself wasn't. I realised that I would have to try and make new friends. I wasn't beyond nodding terms with those I saw at the gym after three months.

I was finishing my dessert when I felt a presence slightly behind me. I looked and there was Pamela. She looked nervous. I smiled and said, "Hello." She nodded. I said, "If you're with someone and are worried about me, I'll not order my coffee. I'll pay and leave. I won't disturb you."

She smiled, "I'm not. I'm with my parents. I saw you and wanted to speak to see how you are doing."

It was my turn to smile, "This is my first time out since my brush with my mortality. The food was good. My own cooking is slowly improving but will never reach the heights yours did. Medically, my recovery is going well. No recurrence. I'll be able to drive shortly. I'll then be able to start working.

"How are you doing?"

She looked shocked I wanted to know about her, "I'm okay. I have good and bad days."

"Well, I hope you have many more good days. You deserve that. I can never undo what I did but I did mean my apology. I hope you find what you're looking for."

She sat down across from me. She seemed to be struggling with what to say.

"Pamela, just say what you need to say. That's why I wanted to speak with you, explain and answer those questions I could."

She nodded and asked quietly, "That day in court, I couldn't understand why you were crying. Why?"

I took a moment to respond, "The truth is simple. I did view those recording you made. I cried as I watched them. I did call everyone and apologised. Those were bad enough. When you described how my monster self abused you, beat you, raped you, I lost it. You don't do that to someone you love. When I think back to how we made love, I cherish those memories. We played, we laughed, we created our own stories and enjoyed pleasing each other. Your words showed me just how nasty and vindictive I had become. I had destroyed your love for me. I meant it when I said I would have killed myself had I known.

"You are beautiful, inside and out. You are intelligent, empathetic and loving. You are everything any man would want as a wife. I abused the trust and love you gave me."

She looked at me as I spoke as though trying to see if I was lying. I wasn't.

"What about those blanks?" she asked.

"Pamela, they trouble you, they trouble me. The surgeons explained it in terms of the brain records what we do. The AVM stopped the recordings. If you suffered from this if I took you hand and kissed it. Later that may be all you remember. Why did I do that? Why did you allow me too? What led to it? Those are questions you may have because you only have the memory of me kissing your hand.

"That's all I had. A memory of being vile. I didn't know what I did. Your recordings showed me how vile I was. I can recall them now because there is no AVM stopping my brain recording. I only wish you didn't have your own recordings of my abuse of you. If I could, I would erase those memories from you. I should never have abused you."

She looked like she understood. Her next question floored me. "Was there anything in your recovery you discovered which surprised you?"

I laughed. I looked around to see if I could see her parents. "What's up?" she asked.

"Pamela, I was checking if your mum or dad had a cane or crutches. If they had maybe I could understand where the question came from.

"I needed a carer to help me shower and dress. I had to wear support stockings due to the surgery on my leg where they harvest the vein to make new arteries. It's to help prevent blood clots and oedema. I was struggling with the clips and laughed. She asked why I was laughing. I told her you didn't wear stockings as often as I would like you to because you found the clips could be difficult. How could I tell you I agreed with you! You'd never wear them for me again.

"Then it dawned on me you'd never wear them for me again."