Was I Truly a Monster?

Pamela laughed. "I'd never have come up with that one!" she added.

The waitress came and asked if I wanted coffee. I asked Pamela if she wish to have one with me. To my surprise she agreed.

We spent about fifteen minutes talking about lots of inconsequential stuff, much like we had before I developed the AVM. I saw her look up and noticed her parents heading to the door. She got up. I thanked for her making my evening special.

I paid and walked home feeling better than I had in months. I had spoken with Pamela directly which is all I wished.

The next few weeks were quite busy by my recent standards. The Gateway people helped me set up my business. I registered with HMRC. I leased an estate car so I could have enough room for all the documentation, diagnostic tools I would require. I contacted the firms I had worked with previously and others who I had never been inside. I found a few jobs and they went well so I was used more often. I found working for myself beneficial as I had no one screaming at me.

I began informing the businesses how I thought their machines were running and what upgrades or replacements would be needed. My previous firm only wanted us to repair so no advice was to be given. They took note of that and often took my suggestions on board.

My social life was still nil. I tried engaging more with people at the gym but my reputation had preceded me. I explained but to little avail. I went to the pub and some clubs but women did not want to know me. I didn't blame them.

On the anniversary of my heart attacks, I went for a meal to celebrate my rebirth. As I was being seated, I was surprised to see a party at the other end of the restaurant. Amongst those present were Declan, Norma, a few other former friends and Pamela. She looked gorgeous. She appeared happy and I was glad for her.

I was choosing my main course when Declan came over to me.

"I saw you as you came in. How are you?" he asked.

"Okay. No recurrence, no mad episodes. Life is work, home, gym. How are you?"

"I'm okay. Norma and I are getting married. I tried to dissuade her as she will be telling me what to do all the time. At the moment I have some spare hours."

I laughed and laughed. "Congratulations. It's about time she tied you down. You are very lucky."

"What about you? You found someone. Why are you here on your own?"

"As to why I'm here, it's my rebirth birthday. The other question. No. Everyone knows what a monster I was, so no one is interested in taking a chance. I'm not really bothered. I'm scared myself at times. Who would be as good as what I had and destroyed? You take care of Norma. She deserves that.

"You probably should go back. I don't want to cause any more friction. Enjoy your party. Congratulations again."

We shook hands and he went off. I was glad for him. Norma was a lovely lady. No Pamela but lovely. I enjoyed my meal. I tried not to gaze at the group of former friends. I smiled when I heard all the laughter. My life was because of me, no one else was to blame.

I had intended to head to the bar after my meal but decided I should just leave. I was paying when Norma came up to me.

"Declan says you wished us both well and to take care of me. Thank you."

I smiled, "I'm surprised he struggled as you hooked him. You are perfect for each other. He's a lawyer so maybe not the brightest!"

She laughed. "That's vintage Andy. Where are you heading?"

"I'm just going home."

"Declan said you were celebrating your 1st birthday. Surely you were going to stay for a drink."

"I was but you will all be heading to the bar and I don't want to cause any potential trouble on your evening. Your engagement party should be magical.

"I hurt all of you. I can't undo that. If I could travel back in time and tell the doctors to examine me, deal with the AVM so I never became that monster, I would. None of you deserved what I dished out. I'm truly sorry."

Norma surprised me, "What you said was typical good Andy. Looking out for others. Go for your drink in the bar. Celebrate your 1st birthday. You have to have a life as well as us."

She kissed me before heading back to her engagement party. I was confused.

I decided one drink at the bar would not cause offence. I was halfway through it when I heard them come in. I wanted to look at Pamela but I controlled myself. She didn't need me making a fool of myself.

There was music playing and a song which Pamela and I had loved came on. Tears came to my eyes. I just held it together. I was concentrating on the bar taps when I felt someone take the seat next to mine. It was Pamela.

"They're playing our song," she said quietly. She could see the tears in my eyes.

"It will always be our song. How are you?"

"Still good and bad days. And you?"

"Work, home, gym or some order of the same."

She smiled, "I thought you would have hooked somebody by now." I realised Norma had talked.

I laughed, "No fish wants to bite my bait. It's toxic. I don't even want to go fishing. I'd be like the old bore at a party talking about the one which got away."

She laughed, "Norma said your humour was back. They are a lovely couple." She gave me a soft peck on the cheek and left to return to the party.

I realised my heart was beating faster. I knew I'd never replace her.

I was just finishing my drink when Declan came up.

In his mock Irish accent, he said, "You're charming the ladies tonight. Both Norma and Pamela say you have your humour back though as Norma described it, I didn't find it funny!"

I laughed. This was normal Declan. He could dead pan anything. We'd often joked about lawyers.

"There's no accounting for taste. I'm not sure Norma got the best of the deal but you certainly did."

Declan laughed, "That's not funny. It's the truth. I've been sent over on behalf of everyone to invite you to join us. I know you want to refuse because of the past but we all need a future. You need it as well. It was unanimous. Please join us."

Declan's eyes said he was telling the truth. I needed to take a step towards normality. I agreed. I caught the barmaid' eye and asked her to get a drink for everyone. I would pay.

The night went quickly. I was constantly catching up as I never knew half of what they were talking about. Who was with who! Who had changed jobs? It was only on current events and cars I was able to participate fully. My impression of Boris went down well though Dave thought I could have waited until he stopped drinking as he spilled most of it because I made him laugh.

It was a good evening for my birthday. As usual the group moved around so we all talked with everyone. Towards the end, I was speaking with Pamela and Deidre. I was congratulating Deidre as she was obviously expecting. I know they had been looking forward to having children.

She floored me when she said, "What about you? You always wanted children."

I agreed but "You need someone special for that. I don't have any one and I doubt I will."

Pamela looked sadly at me. The subject was changed and they talked about the pub quiz from hell. When they told me some of the questions, I was able to answer them. This quickly went round the table. Some looked at me in amusement.

I shrugged, "What can I say. I've been reading a lot the last year. Some are covered by my work knowledge. Mind you, that's only these questions. If I actually went I probably wouldn't be able to answer any - like normal."

Some sage heads nodded. My lack of quiz knowledge was well known.

It was getting late, so I started to say farewell. I thanked them for inviting me and wished them all well.

As I left, I headed to the toilets as it was a half mile walk on a cold night. I came out to find Pamela standing there.

She asked, "Can I walk home with you? My dad will collect me when I call him."

I nodded. She asked me to wait and went to the ladies.

As we walked towards our old home, we chatted about the evening. We agreed it had been a success.

Once in our home, Pamela turned to me, "Do you want me to go to the bedroom?"

I looked at her aghast. "Pamela, this is going to sound weird. I don't believe I'm saying this. Randy Andy would love to take you to our bedroom and make love to you all night long.

"This Andy would love to do that to but wants more than a fuck, no matter how wonderful that would be.

"I love you. I've never stopped loving you. I don't want to destroy your life again. If you want to see how we get along, if I can ignite your love for me; I'm happy to try. For me, it means learning about each other again, courting and when the time is right making love. If the desire, the spark has been truly lost then we wouldn't make love. I love and respect you too much to use you like that.

"If you came here just to fuck, I'm sorry to disappoint you. You are worth far more than that."

Pamela smiled, "I hoped that was what you would say. That's what the Andy I love would say. If you had said yes, I would have gone and we would have fucked. But, you're right, it wouldn't be the real us, it would just be scratching that damn itch. It may well have put the final nail in our coffin.

"What do you think we should do?"

"Pamela, if you're saying you would give me a chance to show you I'm not a monster, I would be delighted to accept. I think we should meet up for a drink, a meal, visit the cinema, just court like old. In addition, I'll ask my counsellor for advice. I suspect she may ask to see us both. I know talking to her has helped me a lot. She's making me realise that I can have a life, I'm not that monster but I struggle to let go of the hurt I caused."

Pamela looked around, "You've been decorating. Show me what you've done."

I showed her around the house. I had decorated the landing, staircase and hall. She approved of the colour scheme. I had to say it wasn't my choice, I'd found her design on the computer. The same with the guest bedroom and the room she named nursery. I had stripped the old wallpaper from it but had no reason to finish it.

"What about the master bedroom? Did you follow my design for that?"

I shook my head. I said quietly, "It's a beautiful design but it was so personal I couldn't do it as you wouldn't be in it. Maybe if things go well, I'll decorate it or we can do it together and the nursery."

She came up and kissed me. It seared my lips. My penis sprang to attention. I felt her nipples expand into my chest. "I'd like that," she said quietly.

I made us a coffee as it was time for her to call her dad. I didn't envy her that call. He would recognise the address. I would walk her to the car and take any flak from her dad.

When I brought the coffee through, I asked, "How did that go? He'll have been surprised."

She smiled, "Not as much as I thought. I said we had met up and you'd been invited to join us. He's always liked you.

"I've never asked, did you hear from your folks after the court hearing?"

I shook my head, "Neither have contacted me. I haven't seen their names in the death notices or divorce list. Declan blindsided me. I answered it before my brain recognised what I was saying. He told me it was because of the terrible abuse my mum had given him for representing me. If we had spoken beforehand, it wouldn't have come out unless dad read the medical report."

It seemed just moments before her dad arrived. We had finished our coffees and she was teasing me about me wearing stockings for her.

I walked her out to her father's car. I shook his hand and apologised for all I had said which hurt him and his wife. I was truly sorry.

He smiled, "Andy, when it came out, it made sense. I could never see you as this monster you called yourself. From what I have heard from those around you at work, you are back to being that Andy, the good guy. Don't beat yourself up. Be who you are now not what you were."

I thanked him for his understanding. I kissed Pamela goodnight. A passionate but not too passionate kiss.

We were both smiling as she got into the car. I watched the car drive down the street before it turned and was lost from view. As I entered the house, I received a text, "Can we speak tomorrow?" I emoji back, "Happy, Happy Face."

I'd had a great birthday. What the next year holds I don't know but I have hope.